What's the best/funniest NPC line you've heard?

HaldaAinur

"This flower...it belongs to this one..." a skooma addict in the refuse area of elden root who found a pretty glowing flower.

Blud

I've been playing this game for years now and I just now overheard an argument between and Altmer and a Bosmer over the pronunciation of the word quay at Cat's Eye Quay on Khenarthi's Roost.

How do you pronounce this word?

InnocentOfCrime

My favorite has to be when razuum-dar is in Matiisen and gives you a lecture on having to do things you may not like in service to the queen. And the last one was "riding a guar naked through an Argonian temple"

Its a shame they never actually let him tell you about that.

Plus 90% of what Darien of the DC story says and does makes me love him.

Muramasa89

Blud wrote: »

How do you pronounce this word?

"key"

For me, it has to be Sheogorath of course.

"It's been so long since we had guests. You would have loved my old uncle Leo, back in the day. Charming dinner conversation, when he wasn't bringing up old girlfriends. Literally. Regurgitating them. Nasty habit."

kyle.wilson

SFDB

Okay, context: Molag Bal is about to deliver the most withering putdown ever as you close a dark anchor. He flips on the mic, and steps in a pile of dog cr*p. Forgetting it's still on he quakes in impotent rage and shakes his fist at the offending offal:

"Dog's filth! You've angered a powerful enemy!"

Then he flips the mic the other way, switching it off, and is halfway through his withering putdown before realizing no one can hear him, then the anchor collapses and he's left there fuming while Molag Kena asks why it smells like dog sh*t in here all of a sudden.

Squall8882

Hey, fancy man lol

Blud

Squall8882 wrote: »

Hey, fancy man lol

Haha

Where?

theher0not

This is just not one line, but I'd advice anyone to go to Abnar's landing, get a bounty and get caught by a khajiit guard. It will be worth a few 100 gold just to hear their lines.

The females will flirt with you (the least suggestive line I've gotten by one is "This one has a thing for criminals, that's why she got into this line uf bussnies. But you still need to pay the bounty") while the males are all criminals who just pretend to be guards.

MLGProPlayer

Anything that Stibbons says.

SlinkySlack

Trial Sanctum ophidia starting room, the merchant.
When you select the merchant and listen to all she has to say and not skip the dialog.
(I do not know the exact wording she uses except the funny part but it goes something like this)

Merchant:
(calm relaxing tone of voice): "Are you going in there? You'll need a lot of equipment. It just happens that I have some for sale."
(Stronger and bit faster but still calm voice): "So what do you say?"
(very fast outburst voice): "Give_me_your_money!!"

Every time I here traders say things like:
trader: "Good honest merchants. Trust this one".
or the banker (which openly admits he was in white rose prison by using the words "served time" and not "held captive")
banker: "Lets do some business."
I can not help to get the feeling I'm being robbed or scammed in some sort of way

Huyen

My best is when Pacrooti writes you as a woodworker hireling:

"Pacrooti told the guards he didnt steal. This one just took the stuff others leave lying around for others to take away."

SydneyGrey

I heard these lines in Orsinium today:

"I was chased by a giant! I think she wanted to mate."

"Why do the other nations destroy Orsinium? Because the Orcs keep rebuilding it!"

fafnircorrino

I used to hear this one a lot when I would start sneaking and get spotted by some NPCs, though I haven't heard it in a while:
"Shiftier than a skooma addict with a moonsugar mustache"

Sidney

I have a few favorites but they make me laugh as much today as they did the first time I read them:

Pacrooti: This one bought a horse that answers to commands. To make it stop, you shout "Sweet roll!" To make it go, you shout "Thank the Divines!" Pacrooti was riding and dozed off. When he awoke, the horse was racing towards a cliff. Pacrooti shouted "Sweet roll!" and it stopped just in time. "Whew," Pacrooti said, "Thank the Divines!" Pacrooti had horsemeat for dinner.

Pacrooti: Pacrooti does not know when this shipment will reach you, but he hopes you find the components well. For once in his life, Pacrooti chased a spriggan instead of the other way around. With firebrand in hand, Pacrooti terrorized it for all the times the spriggan's sisters terrorized Pacrooti. It ran off a cliff and became the components you hold.

Pacrooti: Pacrooti hopes you find these components to your satisfaction. He met a spriggan head-on for them. In fact, these components were once a spriggan's head.

Pacrooti: Pacrooti hopes these components are to your satisfaction. They cost an arm and a leg to obtain. The arm and a leg of a spriggan! Pacrooti is proud of that one. Surviving a spriggan attack and the joke. Equally.

I hate spriggans as much as he does, that's probably why I find them so bloody funny lol

SirAndy

My initial answer from August 2014 still stands:

You throw it up, you lick it up!

max_only

Muramasa89 wrote: »

Blud wrote: »

How do you pronounce this word?

"key"

For me, it has to be Sheogorath of course.

"It's been so long since we had guests. You would have loved my old uncle Leo, back in the day. Charming dinner conversation, when he wasn't bringing up old girlfriends. Literally. Regurgitating them. Nasty habit."

It’s pronounced “Kay” though.

Chrysa1is

"fingaenean"

AWinterWolf

"Cat ***? Who throws cat *** at people?"

WolfingHour

All of Rilis' lines in Banished 2, but especially the "Ah! How amusing!" bit. The voice actor was really clinging on to the scenery and not letting go.

"Incineration beetleeeees!" in Blessed Crucible for the same reason. A nice juicy bit of scenery chewing.

Coggage

ANYTHING said by Sereyne the Drunken Kitty Mage in Elsweyr.

Astelo

my new favorite.
While gathering lore books for mag guild skill with new necromancer in shadowfenn a quest npc came along with:

"Be careful, there are necromancers nearby"

Inaya

"Oof. Well, sometimes my power gets a little... out of control. The Mages Guild was supposed to help me master it, but they take a dim view of people breaking curfew. And getting drunk on kitchen duty. And throwing up in the soup."

"There's a basic rule of spellcraft: do not attempt while drunk. Or, while recently drunk. Never been great with rules.

tyggerbob

My favourite will always be the female carpenter in Anvil who says "Don't you just love the feel of wood in your hands? So hard, so thick, so ready to reveal its true form as you apply sweat and muscle to the task .... Oo, I get excited just thinking about it!"

FrancisCrawford

New one:

"Vampires don't impress me. I bite harder in bed." Followed by a sort-of offer to let you compare.

If you think about it (and don't actually know yet), you can probably guess which NPC that's from.