What's the best/funniest NPC line you've heard?

bosmern_ESO

There is an orc in Grahtwood in the seducer location, he says:

"There is an old Orc saying about shields, it's like "buy a shield or something" "
you ask "do you sell shields?"
and he immediately says "mm No." the second you click it.

BloodStorm

" Now now Tharn, no telling my secrets!! Go to your room Abnur, I will deal with you shortly." - Mannimarco

Khami

I think it's in Wayrest, but one of the guards says, "There are no rules here, but we'll let you know when you break one."

Epona222

Coldharbour, during the "Breaking the Shackle" quest, where Cadwell says that we should go and give it a "d*** good thrashing".

Completely lifted from Cleese in Fawlty Towers, the "thrashing" scene (which is one of the best remembered and well-loved scenes from the show). Loved Fawlty Towers, love Elder Scrolls, love Cadwell - just hearing Cleese say that same line when playing Cadwell was awesome and just one of the best Easter Eggs ever - it was surely put in there with the possibility that the only people to understand the reference would be British people over the age of 40 - and yes Zenimax, we understood the reference, loved it and laughed at it. Thank you

leeux

In the Sentinel bank on the Alik'r desert, there's a woman I heard say something like this...

She starts: "Here's the thing... I..." and pauses, and then: "I... forget the thing."

That cracked me up the first time I heard it

Phantax

"If you want to lose 10 lbs of ugly fat, I'll gladly chop off your head"

or

"If I want your opinion.. I'll give it to you"

UrQuan

Epona222 wrote: »

Coldharbour, during the "Breaking the Shackle" quest, where Cadwell says that we should go and give it a "d*** good thrashing".

Completely lifted from Cleese in Fawlty Towers, the "thrashing" scene (which is one of the best remembered and well-loved scenes from the show). Loved Fawlty Towers, love Elder Scrolls, love Cadwell - just hearing Cleese say that same line when playing Cadwell was awesome and just one of the best Easter Eggs ever - it was surely put in there with the possibility that the only people to understand the reference would be British people over the age of 40 - and yes Zenimax, we understood the reference, loved it and laughed at it. Thank you

Hey, I'm not British (well, actually that's not entirely true, as I do have dual citizenship, but I've never lived anywhere in the UK, and I wasn't born there either), and I'm under 40 and I understood the reference! I always knew that someday, somehow, being raised on Fawlty Towers would pay off... Just don't mention the war!

Muizer

I like the NPC that says: "Getting smart with you? And how would you know!"

MikeBob

"What's the best/funniest NPC line you've heard?"

Dramatic:

"Be quick and stay quiet - it's the only certain way to remain alive." (The Thief)

Funny:

"I need another drink like I need a head in the hole" (some drunk Nord)

"You look like I could use a drink!" (another drunk Nord)

Funnier:

"Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don't care what you smell!" (oh wait ...)

Clever:

Lots. Too many to list them all, really. Good stuff.

KhajiitiLizard

Srugzal wrote: »

Two of my recent favorites, part of the same quest.

Reminds me, there is a Khajiit woman there (not quest related) that if you talk to her as a male Khajiit after winning the arena that asks you to have dinner with you and kind of implied that she wanted to mate with you.

Muizer

There's this quote I sometimes hear an Orc bandit say which goes something like: "You can't swing a dead cat; I got in trouble for that once".

onlinegamer1

"If you want to lose 5 pounds of ugly fat, I can chop off your head."

SantieClaws

cabbageub17_ESO wrote: »

Don't recall the dialogue but early in the EP maps there's a Couple upstairs in an inn clearly engaged in S&M

This would be the Ebon Flask in Ebonheart? They are not just upstairs but in the basement too ...

Srugzal

wenxue2222b16_ESO wrote: »

cabbageub17_ESO wrote: »

Don't recall the dialogue but early in the EP maps there's a Couple upstairs in an inn clearly engaged in S&M

This would be the Ebon Flask in Ebonheart? They are not just upstairs but in the basement too ...

There's also a male couple in the bar. They are, ahhh... not observing each other's personal space...

bellanca6561n

In one of the more novel quest endings, after you rescued a mead brewery for some Nords and killed the Orc chief who led the raid on it, you get to put the chief's head on a pike. The Nord approves and says,

"It may be ugly but nothing says security like an Orc's head on a pike."

Shadow-Fighter

Thank You, for Nothing

Srugzal

Here's one I heard in Fort Amol today:

"I can't remember her name. The pretty one, with the beard."

Wut?

leeux

^^^ Must have been a dwarf... yeah, that explains it

Xenite

I just had to come back to this thread after doing a quest last night....

*ahem clears throat*

"***! Who throws cat *** on someone!?!"

ZigoSid

The celeb Skyrim quote "Some people call this junk. Me? I call it treasure."

Become "Some people call this junk. Me? I call it junk too". from a Khajiit vendor at Eldenroot

Blud

mar1ano1987nrb18_ESO wrote: »

All the Abnur Tharn lines and jokes while you are doing the main story xD

Yeah, Abnur Tharn is pretty much the king of snarkiness. He is pretty funny.

Nightreaver

"Anyone can become Emperor. It's a risk we all must take."

Question I most regretted asking.
There is a Quest NPC that is all alone claiming to be a king and sends you on a quest to collect pieces to build his crown. When you return with the crown you point out that there is no one else around and ask him who he is king of.
His response....."Well now that you're here I'm king of you."

Louis

not the funniest but it made me giggle abit.

"it might be unseemly for a woman of noble birth to be drawn to the forge, but i cant help myself.

i find all the muscles and sweating to be... so interesting"

martinhpb16_ESO

various male npc "I haven't seen any action in weeks"

various female npc "I know what you need"

starkerealm

"I am not an Argonian, I am a crocodile!"

Aett_Thorn

Heard this one the other day by an NPC fisherman: "I'm fishing for some action. Haha!"

I just thought to myself, "Oh god, they've put 'Dad' jokes in the game."

Yann

Bosmeri stuff

JessieColt

In Belkarth, Craglorn:

'You wanna cry me a river, go ahead. Maybe you can float out of Craglorn'

Silver-Sabre

" I think I'll have what I'm having"

Silver-Sabre

Or something like .. " you look like I can use a drink"