What's the best/funniest NPC line you've heard?

DogFaceInBananaPatch

On the Alcaire Castle grounds in overheard someone shouting: "Hide your children, hide your wife! The redgaurd's going to attack at any moment."

I nearly rolled out my chair!

Huxley12345

"I am the Artificer Madam! That is why I dare!"

The fearless delivery by Telenger to a Deadric Prince was fantastic.

KhajitFurTrader

This seems to be a random NPC guard line in DC:

"I like to crush skulls and eat sweet rolls... and I'm all out of sweet rolls!"

If this isn't a reference to the Duke, I don't know.

Nhines

Quest in Eastmarch.
“What is that cat ***? Who the hell throws cat *** on someone?”

PlagueMonk

While not an NPC per se, I had one of my crafting hirelings blame his poor haul on him having to tend to his poor, sick dog!

Blud

MercyKilling wrote: »

"Go ahead, surprise me. Say something intelligent."

Every time I hear this, I think the retort should be, "You wouldn't understand it."

Electric Feel

Threads like this are why I love this game

Siluen

The drunk winemerchant in Stonefalls tends to crack me up with the line he utters in a drunken slur when you've helped him out:

"Thank the three! Alllll... three of them!"

leeux

I got this one today in Reaper's March

seaef

And another from today...

stefan.gustavsonb16_ESO

There is a female wood elf NPC in Bramblebreach named Firillin, or something like that. If you chat her up, she says this:

"What are you doing?"
"I play with the ants. Build them little houses, give them jobs, introduce them to each other so they make ant babies, that sort of thing."

Has to be a reference to "The Sims". Hilarious in its own right, too.

SoupDragon

Siluen wrote: »

The drunk winemerchant in Stonefalls tends to crack me up with the line he utters in a drunken slur when you've helped him out:

"Thank the three! Alllll... three of them!"

I'm kind of in love with him. One of the best quests in EP!

MAOofDC

I heard a bandit complaining to another bandit. "So I broke four lock picks trying to open a chest only to find out it was empty." My only thought was that suck I sure hope it doesn't happen to me.

Srugzal

Because of this thread, I've been writing down gems. It seems that they're nearly endless. Here's just 2:

1. A female Argonian warrior says, "I've got mud caked in places where mud should not be."

2. I've long been a fan of pirate movies, and the best of them is "Treasure Island" (1934, Gary Cooper, Wallace Beery as Long John Silver). There's a quest in Coldharbour where a bunch of Argonian pirates get caught up in a cursed treasure and a phantom fleet. All but one of them get turned into skeletons, but the redoubtable Pirate Captain is not deterred by this setback. In a line worthy of Long John Silver, but in the driest, flattest monotone Argonian she intones, utterly without emphasis or accent,"And I swear by the blood of me crew, that spook will pay for this wicked trick."

seanolan

KhajitFurTrader wrote: »

This seems to be a random NPC guard line in DC:

"I like to crush skulls and eat sweet rolls... and I'm all out of sweet rolls!"

If this isn't a reference to the Duke, I don't know.

I believe it is a reference to the immortal cult classing starring Rowdy Roddy Piper, "They Live", in which he enters a bank full of aliens that only he can see, and declares, "I am here to kick a*s and chew bubble-gum. And I'm all out of bubble-gum." and procedes to devastate a building full of aliens.

Lunerdog

A female guard informed me last night that if I was trying to be witty I was only half way there...

Talrenos

Blud wrote: »

I was at Skald's Retreat today in the Rift and I heard a ghostly mother scolding her daughter.

"You're going out dressed like that? You look like a horker!"

@zos_GinaBruno "We are working on Werewolves, will have the changes posted this week"

I contend that Gina *is* a NPC, as she meets all the criteria, She obviously does not play the game, so she is a NON PLAYER, and her comments are hilarious so she is quite the CHARACTER.....

AlexDougherty

MAOofDC wrote: »

I heard a bandit complaining to another bandit. "So I broke four lock picks trying to open a chest only to find out it was empty." My only thought was that suck I sure hope it doesn't happen to me.

I heard a variation on that, with a thief complaining to a friend that he broke four lockpicks opening a chest, only to find a single lockpick.

Not sure which is worse.

SoupDragon

Found a drunk, dancing nord in the river today.
"Ten cheers for King Jorunn! Ten drinks for Jofarr!"

Fleymark

I forget exactly what was said but one of my hirelings sent me his package one day with an apology for the brevity of his message as he was being chased by a mob of angry villagers.

thesongoftimeb14_ESO

In Davon Watch, an NPC is always saying... Don't know what tooo dooo. For some reason, I always comment back. lol

Dovhakiin

Probably any troll-line from Abnur Tharn xD

Dovhakiin

Double comment

SoupDragon wrote: »

Found a drunk, dancing nord in the river today.
"Ten cheers for King Jorunn! Ten drinks for Jofarr!"

A drunk Nord? Why am I not surprised?

zaria

AlexDougherty wrote: »

MAOofDC wrote: »

I heard a bandit complaining to another bandit. "So I broke four lock picks trying to open a chest only to find out it was empty." My only thought was that suck I sure hope it doesn't happen to me.

I heard a variation on that, with a thief complaining to a friend that he broke four lockpicks opening a chest, only to find a single lockpick.

Not sure which is worse.

An pretty obvious reference to Oblivion and to some degree Skyrim.

Locnaar

"as I was going out one day, my head fell off and rolled away,
and when i saw that it was gone, I picked it up and put it on"

Cadwell

SoupDragon

Dovhakiin wrote: »

Double comment

SoupDragon wrote: »

Found a drunk, dancing nord in the river today.
"Ten cheers for King Jorunn! Ten drinks for Jofarr!"

A drunk Nord? Why am I not surprised?

Haha, true! One of many reasons I love playing the EP storyline.

helediron

Sergeant Herdor: I love a good sneak attack. The look in a man's eye when the knife goes in. Ooh! I just got chills.

rbenkepub19_ESO

"I have to drink this much, or I'll dry out."

Garetth

I have a few favorites:

NPC in Rivenspire says: "If you are going for wit I can say that you are half way there."

Guard at bank in Repaer's March says: "If you want to lose 10 pounds of ugly fat, I can cut your head off."

Another NPC in Reaper's March says: " Your face is so ugly it could curdle milk!"

traigusb14_ESO2

Nhines wrote: »

Quest in Eastmarch.
“What is that cat ***? Who the hell throws cat *** on someone?”

There are a bunch of different lines for that one.. all of them are classic!