ESO Joke of the Day

LrdRahvin

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

ZOS QA and Testing Team

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fyrefenix

i was a templar tank. with 2000 armor and 2000 spell resistance and 2000 health.

i had like 1400 magic and 1700 stamina.

i came encountered with the beetle of doom in a desert called ali'kir in a veteran 4 zone no longer part of the ebon heart pact.

this beetle bit off one of my arms after i used ransack i tryed to retaliate with crippling slash to even my odds so he got mad and bit off my other arm

so now im deep into this epic battle and the beetle calls his second friend.
and my worst enemy another beetle of doom

im scared so i heal myself with this [snip] skill called lingering ritual then i use another skill called unstoppable thinking with a name that bada.s.s it might help

so each beetle bites off my legs so im laying in the desert like a paraplegic and i see my death is imminent and my battle with marco polo and molag bal flashes before my eyes.

then this dragon knight or sorcerer they are casters use the same armor all look alike i don't know what the hell he was honestly. comes in casts a couple of spells slaughters the beetles of doom.

he looks down and says you must be a templar or a nightblade LOL

[Moderator Note: Edited per our rules on Cursing & Profanity]

Dayv

3 skeevers escape from an alchemist's laboratory. On the first day they find themselves in a field of carrots, oops I mean alleyway full of trash, and spend their time gorging on delicious garbage.
On the second day they find themselves in a sewer full of hot lady skeevers. Well you know what a libido rabbits, oops sorry skeevers have got. Well the rest of that day is too pornographic to describe here.
On the third day they're just chilling in a midden and the first skeever says "tomorrow, I'm going back to the alleyway, you know how I love my food." The second skeever says "hey I never turn down a good time with the ladies, so I'm going back to the sewer". The third skeever says "I'm going back to the lab". The other look at him and say "WTF!?" and he replies "I haven't had a cigarette, oops sorry I mean skooma based potion, for 3 days".

zgrssd

Read though all of them. Very nice thread.

Dayv wrote: »

3 skeevers escape from an alchemist's laboratory. On the first day they find themselves in a field of carrots, oops I mean alleyway full of trash, and spend their time gorging on delicious garbage.

All the "oops" parts kinda ruin the jokes timing. It would have been a nice one without those. Would you mind to train again without those?


A short one:
Two bosmer try chicken for the first time.
Says the one: "Tastes like human."

Surinen

short story about the flail

give a head, pretty Salache!
- she gave three

Aeradon

A Nord died and went to Sovngarde. There he met with the caretaker.

"Just a moment there Nord. We're not sure whether it's right for you to enter Sovngarde."

"What do you mean? I did my fair share of battles!"

"Fine, look, you fought well, we know. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but Sheogorath really wants you. He even gave us a list of things you did that we don't have in our records!"

"What do you mean a list of thing I did? Give me that! ... Stealing cheese from a skeever? I never did that!"

"Nobody can proof that. Sometimes maybe you got drunk, or maybe our people who does the records got drunk. I don't know. All I know is you are to spend a day at Sheo's and a day here, then you pick yourself. I want no trouble."

So the Nord was sent to Sheogorath's realm. The Shivering Isles. It was filled with flowers, entertaining acts that involved all the souls that live their eternal lives there, and bards that play lovely tunes. Everybody on the isles wear bright colours that makes them shine.

Sheogorath personally came to the Nord and took him on a tour around the Isles.

In the courtyard was the game of Wabbajack, where people take turns to play with the staff and where everyone has the most fun. Butterflies were everywhere, so is mead, so is meat and so is brawling. The Wabbajack makes things more interesting, the Nord gets to fight a Dremora, an Ayleid and a drunk Gargoyle made of cheese. Sheogorath also makes sure the people on the Isles stay pleasing to the eye. There were just so many activities on the cheerful and bright island.

The next day, the Nord was back in Sovngarde. Sovngarde had blue air, great structures but not quite maintained. The place was dark and gloomy, but definitely a good setting to drink. He drank all he could just like on the Isles, and he brawl the old Nord champions.

The caretaker approached the Nord and asks his decision on the place to spend eternal life. "Hmm. Don't get me wrong, Sovngarde is a great place! But I do prefer the Shivering Isles." the Nord replied.

So the Nord was sent to the Shivering Isles upon request. As he steps through the portal, he was greeted by Sheogorath. The Isles however, seemed different from the day before. The air was red, the flowers were dead, and lava flows everywhere. People were in rags, shackled and are busy doing chores.

"What happened here?"

"Ha! If your expression could be more dramatic, you would be my new favourite! But since you didn't.. Hmm.. Oh! Yes yesterday! Yesterday was recruitment day! You mortals are so fun meddle with. Didn't you say you enjoyed the act I made? Now time to do the clean up!"

Food4Thought

A Redguard proposed marriage to an High Elf. The woman responded, "I do like the simple things in life. I just don't want one of them to be my husband."

kirnmalidus

Blackhorne wrote: »

kirnmalidus wrote: »

Blackhorne wrote: »

kirnmalidus wrote: »

Ollie & Lena jokes converted to ESO FTW.

Well, if that's your flavor, how about one "borrowed" from my favorite cowtown puppet show* (although I'd heard it in another form before then, but I was too young to remember whence) :

Sven and Olaf are down on the docks in Riften.
"Hey Sven," says Olaf, "How long do you think this pier is?"
"Dunno, Olaf," says Sven, "Let me count the boards..."
"Okay, " says Olaf, "And I'll count the slits."

And so they walk down the pier, counting boards and slits.

Sven: 1...
Olaf: ...1
Sven: 2...
Olaf: ...2
....
Sven: 23...
Olaf: ...23
Sven: 24...
Olaf: ..twenty-waaagh! (falls off the pier)

"Ah-hah!" says Sven. "I see now: when you're out of slits, you're out of pier!"

*One thousand internets to you if you know the show.

Not sure if you've ever heard the Ollie and Lena joke involving baby skunks… I've been trying to figure a way to convert that to TES since I saw this thread but can't think of a lore appropriate creature to replace the skunks with that would still make the joke work.

I hadn't, but Google works. I think skeevers would work -- I'm sure they have the requisite olfactory trait. I'm not sure what race to make the travelers, though -- Nords have been a bit overdone, and that's not needed for this particular joke. Argonians wouldn't work either. Khajiits or Orcs might...

[Edit: leftover draft of abandoned comment]

I was thinking Nords as the travelers with baby Argonians instead of skunks.

isengrimb16_ESO

Just use random Daedra as skunks, They stink, but have less good utility to them than skunks do.

zgrssd

I think we can use ogrins for all fat-peopel jokes. And scamps for all small peopel jokes:
A Deadroth walks into a Oblivion bar. Asks the Barkeep: "Why such a long face?"

Says the Dremora to the Ogrin: Don't make yourself so wide.

Two scamps walk into a bar. They say to the barkeep:
"Tow short ones."
Says the barkeep:
"I see that. But what do you want to drink?"

kewl

Patch 1.2.3...get it....that's the joke...Patch 1.2.3

zgrssd

kewl wrote: »

Patch 1.2.3...get it....that's the joke...Patch 1.2.3

The only joke here is that you guys are still trying to derail this thread on page 7. Despite having zero effect so far.

AngryNord

kewl wrote: »

Patch 1.2.3...get it....that's the joke...Patch 1.2.3

Broken record...

SantieClaws

There once was an orc called Rosiebelle
Whose boots were starting to smell
She sold them to a Nord
For some beer and her board
and a couple of reindeer pelts

Beerbong_Ginn

One day in Eastmarch, Olfrid is attacked by an atronach, and his body is pretty badly burned. The priest sends for his two best friends, Agnar and Hofnir, to identify the body.

Agnar arrives first, and when the priest pulls back the sheet, Agnar says, "Yah, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The priest rolls him over, and Agnar says, "Nope, dat ain't Olfrid."

The priest thinks this is strange. Then he brings Hofnir in to identify the body. Hofnir takes a look at the face and says, "Yah, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The priest rolls him over and Hofnir says, "No, dat ain't Olfrid."

The priest asks, "How can you tell?"

Hofnir said, "Well, Olfrid had two arse-holes."

"What? He had two arse-holes?!" exclaims the priest.

"Yah, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Olfrid with dem two arse-holes.'"

Moonchilde

Two Nightblades were sent to the marshes in Deshaan to watch for Covenant spies, an Argonian and a Dunmer. While there, they were attacked by ghosts and giant serpents.

After a rather sloppy battle with one of the serpents, the Argonian doesn't get up. The Dunmer drags him under a nearby tree, where he lays there twitching.

"I can't move my legs" says the Argonian.

The Dunmer checks him out - he's taken a deep bite at the base of his tail, and clearly the poison is killing him. "We're out of potions, what now?"

The Argonian sees the wound, looks up and says, "Go to back to Mournhold and find a healer, quick! They will know what to do."

The Dunmer sprints to the closest wayshrine and makes it to the city. He rushes to the Tribunal Temple and bursts in through the doors. "I need a healer now!" he yells.

The place is a ruin, and there are bodies everywhere. The lead healer walks up and says "We can't spare any healers right now, this temple was just cleared of Daedra. What's the problem?"

The Dunmer catches his breath, "My partner was bitten by a serpent out near the Ashlanders camp, and the poison is killing him."

The healer shakes his head. "Look, I must tend to the wounded here first. To keep your friend alive until I get there, you must run back now and suck as much of the poison out of the wound as you can, and spit it out."

The Dunmer races back to the wayshrine and sprints through the deep marshes again, and locates the tree where his fellow Nightblade was hidden.

The Argonian looks up weakly, "Well, what did the healer say?"

The Dunmer looks down at the Argonians bleeding arse and says "The healer said... the healer said you're going to DIE."

Oneguy

ViciousWayz wrote: »

LOL someone had to post this... with all the QQ (while I agree it's broken right now, it's still pretty damn funny --- even I as a Vamp can say this)

LMAO! I'm right there with ya Vicious, one can only laugh.

Raash

How about a limerick?

Two vampires met in one of the bars
hey pal take a chair & tell me what brings you to Reapers march
Oh I rather stand
since i walked cyrodil land
I got silver bolts stuck in my a*se!

SDZald

So this very bad Khajiit dies and goes to Sheogorath's realm. He is told that there are only three rooms available at the time and as luck would have it they would let him pick which one.
In the first room all the occupants are being repeatably beaten with clubs and chains.
In the second room all the occupants are being forced to walk across burning coals.
In the third room all the occupants are standing in waste deep poo drinking coffee.
The Khajiit exclaims this is a easy choice, this is my room. He is asked "are you sure, you will have to be here forever?" No doubt this is the one I want.
As he enters the room wading into crap he hears a horn and a loud shout, "Ok all you scum breaks over back on your heads."

AngryNord

The Nord ship captain orders the new Khajiit deckhand to throw anchor. The Khajiit runs off, and returns after about half an hour to inform that the job is done.
"What the hell took you so long??" the captain yelled. "And why is the ship still drifting??"
"Well, I took up the anchor just fine, master, but when I was about to throw it out, I noticed someone had attached a long rope to it, so I had to undo that first..."

gorant1313ub17_ESO

Why can't Mel Gibson be a light armor crafter?

Because he hates the jutes.

zgrssd

I think I can gather some common equivalents for Archetype Jokes:
Nord = Dumb Guy
Orc = Simple Guy
Breton = French Guy; maybe soem Brit
Bosmer = Promiscous, Cannibals
Altmer = Arogant guys; Aristrocrats, short guys
Kajiit = Thieves, Rogues, Smart Guys

Deadra:
Ogrim = Fat guy/glutonous guy
Scamp = short guy
Deadroth = Big Mouth

zgrssd

A young Bosmer boy and Altmer girl started showing obvious interest in one another. When they are having a meeting in the forest his father and her mother a are tagging along as chaperones.
Suddenly the two are out of sight. Ask the Altmer woman the Bosmer man:
"By the Auriel, what will they do now?"
"Progeny."

tordr86b16_ESO

isengrimb16_ESO

Why ESO decided to leave kids out of the game:



They're just too OP.

Yann

Racist jokes are coming:

"What do you call a Wood Elf who doesn't lie or cheat or steal?
A dead Wood Elf"

---

"How do you separate sailors in the Khajiiti navy?
With a hammer and tongs."

---

A big Nord named Julgen was set on by a gang of thieves. He fought them furiously, but in the end, they beat him into semiconsciousness. They searched his pockets and discovered that he only had three gold pieces on him.
"Do you mean to tell us you fought us like a mad lupe for three lousy gold pieces?" sneered one of the thieves.

"No," answered Julgen. "I was afraid you were after the four hundred gold pieces in my boot."

AlexDougherty

Two Nords Galmar and Ralof were walking home after an evening of drinking, along the way they came across a frog.

Ralof says "Galmar my buddy, I bet you three Septims you can't eat that frog whole".
Galmar says "ok" and scoffs the frog down, Ralof grumbles a bit but pays up.

A little further they come across another frog, and Galmar says "Ok Ralof, now I bet you can't eat that frog like I did, same bet Three Septims"
Ralof agrees and scoffs it down, Galmar pays up on the bet.

They walk for another two minutes, until Ralof say "Galmar, why did we eats those frogs?"

dannymcgr81b14_ESO

A Nord runs over to the City Guard and says "Hurry! I have an emergency! Two women are fighting over me!" The Guard says "So what's the emergency?" The Nord replies "The ugly one is winning!"

sylviermoone

I can't believe I read the whole thing! O.o

Seriously though, thanks for the LOLZ, everyone.

Blackhorne

SDZald wrote: »

So this very bad Khajiit dies and goes to Sheogorath's realm. He is told that there are only three rooms available at the time and as luck would have it they would let him pick which one.
In the first room all the occupants are being repeatably beaten with clubs and chains.
In the second room all the occupants are being forced to walk across burning coals.
In the third room all the occupants are standing in waste deep poo drinking coffee.
The Khajiit exclaims this is a easy choice, this is my room. He is asked "are you sure, you will have to be here forever?" No doubt this is the one I want.
As he enters the room wading into crap he hears a horn and a loud shout, "Ok all you scum breaks over back on your heads."

Hey, at least you get a coffee break.

kirnmalidus wrote: »

Blackhorne wrote: »

kirnmalidus wrote: »

Blackhorne wrote: »

kirnmalidus wrote: »

Ollie & Lena jokes converted to ESO FTW.

Well, if that's your flavor, how about one "borrowed" from my favorite cowtown puppet show* (although I'd heard it in another form before then, but I was too young to remember whence) :

Sven and Olaf are down on the docks in Riften.
"Hey Sven," says Olaf, "How long do you think this pier is?"
"Dunno, Olaf," says Sven, "Let me count the boards..."
"Okay, " says Olaf, "And I'll count the slits."

And so they walk down the pier, counting boards and slits.

Sven: 1...
Olaf: ...1
Sven: 2...
Olaf: ...2
....
Sven: 23...
Olaf: ...23
Sven: 24...
Olaf: ..twenty-waaagh! (falls off the pier)

"Ah-hah!" says Sven. "I see now: when you're out of slits, you're out of pier!"

*One thousand internets to you if you know the show.

Not sure if you've ever heard the Ollie and Lena joke involving baby skunks… I've been trying to figure a way to convert that to TES since I saw this thread but can't think of a lore appropriate creature to replace the skunks with that would still make the joke work.

I hadn't, but Google works. I think skeevers would work -- I'm sure they have the requisite olfactory trait. I'm not sure what race to make the travelers, though -- Nords have been a bit overdone, and that's not needed for this particular joke. Argonians wouldn't work either. Khajiits or Orcs might...

[Edit: leftover draft of abandoned comment]

I was thinking Nords as the travelers with baby Argonians instead of skunks.

Well, if you use Argonians, you could change the "what of the smell" like to "what of the scales" -- not sure if that would make it more or less gross...