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ESO Joke of the Day
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AngryNord✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭The legatus heard a drunken Dunmer at a tavern mumble about 10 000 Imperials. He ordered a couple of his scouts to bring the Dunmer in.
"What is this mumbling about 10 000 Imperials?" the legatus angrily asked. "You aren't some sort of spy, are you??"
"No, no, by the divines, no!" the Dunmer asked. "All I meant was, I'd rather provide my services for 10 000 Imperials, than for one Nord!"
The legatus' mood changed completely, he stood up, put his hand on the Dunmer's shoulder, and said, "now THAT is something I like to hear. I wish you all the best in your endeavours in the future!"
"Oh, by the way," the Imperial suddenly said. "What services DO you provide?"
"Well," the Dunmer answered. "I am a gravedigger at the Cheydinhal Chapel."11 -
Food4Thought✭✭✭I saw this one on another forum and had to share ...
These jokes are like hot chicks ...
Hard to get, and when you do get them they aren't nearly as good as you thought they would be.2 -
isengrimb16_ESO✭✭✭✭✭I just remembered another one, if you can stand it.
There were three guys, working on a newfangled kind of building that's all the rage now in Imperial City, involving steel girders and stuff. So they're having lunch, 80 ft or so up in the air, sitting on a girder.
The Khajit says, "While this one loves his wife very much, this one hopes she did not pack yet another moon sugar brittle for this one's lunch - if she did, this one will throw himself off this very girder!" He looks into his lunchbag, and sure enough, moon sugar brittle. He jumps off the girder and plummets to his death.
The Bosmer says, "Well, I hope I don't find another venison pasty in my lunch today, like very other darned, boring day, 'coz if I do, down I go!" Sure enough, he looks in his lunchbox to find a venison pasty. Down he goes.
The Nord says, "By golly, if I see another peanut butter sandwich in my lunch, I'll go down with my two friends!" He opens his lunch bag to find a peanut butter sandwich, so, of course, he jumped off the girder, too.
The wives met at the funerals, which were held at the same time at the same place. Weeping, the lady Khajit says, "If this one had known that her husband was sick of moon sugar brittle, this one would never have packed it ever again!"
The Bosmer wife cried, "Yes, yes, if he had only said something, I would have made him something besides venison pasties!"
The Nord wife pondered this, and said: "You see, that's what I don't get. My husband always packed his OWN lunch!"
23 -
BaddLarry✭✭✭Here's one...enjoy:
A Dunmer ship caught in the middle of a massive storm, wrecked off the coast of Auridon. The only survivor, a Dunmer researcher, dragged himself onto the beach and began to seek shelter from the tumultuous winds and piercing rain. Through the haze, he spied what had to be the whitest house he had ever seen in his life. It practically shone like a beacon among the cliffside. Arduously, he ambled toward the white house seeking refuge. After desperately knocking at the white door he was greeted by a white Khajit with white fur, white eyes, and white clothes.
“Come in from the elements, friend” said the white Khajit. “I do not know why one would be out in such weather, but you are most welcome here.” The Dunmer thanked him and walked inside. He was immediately amazed to see that everything in the house was of the most brilliant white color. “You must be tired, yes?” the white Khajit added. “My sons will be in Greenshade until morning, please change your clothes and sleep in their room until the storm passes”.
So the white Khajit walked across the white floor until he got came to a white closet. He opened the white door and inside was white towels. He gave the Dunmer a white cloth and then walked across the white floor to a white basket. In the white basket was a white robe that he also gave to the Dunmer. The white Khajit then walked across the white floor to a set of white stairs that led up to the top of the white house. The Dunmer followed across the white floor and up the white stairs behind the white Khajit. When they reached the top of the stairs the white Khajit turned a white doorknob on a white door that led to a white bedroom.
“Sleep here.” Said the white Khajit. The Dunmer looked around the little white room and saw two white beds with white pillows, a white nightstand, a small white window, a white basket, and a white carpet over the white floor. The Dunmer dried off with the white cloth and put his clothes in the white basket. He then put on the white robe, walked across the white carpet, and sat upon the white bed. He laid down on the white pillow looked up at the white ceiling, thanked his gods for his safety, and went to sleep.
After a few hours, the Dunmer woke up mildly suspicious about his surroundings but even more thirsty as he hadn’t had a drink in what seemed like days. He got up from the white bed, walked across the white floor, turned the white doorknob, and opened the white door. He walked down the white stairs. He didn’t see the white Khajit but decided to search for a kitchen to look for water. He walked across the white floor and passed the most curious white chairs with white beetles embedded in the white wood in an exquisite decorative fashion. He paused as he noticed how white the moon looked through the white front window of the white house.
As he made his way into a white kitchen, he found some white water in a white well-bucket in a white corner of the white kitchen. He found a white chalice and dipped some of the white water out and drank it. He then put down the white chalice, left the white kitchen, walked across the white floor, went up the white stairs, turned the white doorknob, opened the white door, crossed the white carpet, laid in the white bed, fluffed the white pillows, and went back to sleep.
Later still, the Dunmer was overwhelmed with the need to relieve himself (white water will do that to you). He got out of the white bed, walked across the white carpet, turned the white doorknob, opened the white door, went down the white stairs, crossed the white floor, turned the white doorknob on the white door in the back and opened the white door. The Dunmer then noticed that even the grass and trees behind the house where shining white surrounded by a tall white fence. Getting more suspicious, he stepped onto the white grass, walked across the white field, passed a white tree that had what appeared to be white apples growing from it, and made his way to a white outhouse to take care of business.
After the deed was done, the Dunmer left the white outhouse, walked back across the white field, paused to take a white apple from the white tree, turned the white doorknob, opened the white door on the back of the house, walked across the white floor, went up the white stairs, turned the white doorknob, opened the white door, walked across the white carpet, sat on the white bed, fluffed the white pillows and laid down. He then took a bite of the white apple and inside was a fat white worm. He got off of the white bed, walked across the white carpet, opened the white window, and threw the white apple onto the white grass. He then walked back across the white carpet, a sat down on the white bed, laid back on the white pillows and went fast asleep.
When morning came, the Dunmer awoke to a very nice aroma coming from downstairs. He got off of the white bed, crossed the white carpet, turned the white doorknob, opened the white door, walked down the white stairs, crossed the white floor, and went into the white kitchen. The white Khajit and his two equally white sons were there along with an Altmer who, strangely enough, wasn’t wearing anything white.
“Sit down,” said the white Khajit. “My sons and I were about to partake in a fine repast and you are welcome to join.” The Dunmer, his stomach spoiled from the white apple, declined but thanked the white Khajit for his hospitality and pulled the white chair back from the white table and sat down. The white Khajit then opened the white pantry, took out three white bowls, and placed them on a white table. He then placed two white plates in the middle of the white table. On one plate were white moon sugar biscuits and on the other was white moon sugar brittle. The white Khajit took a handful of white moon sugar brittle and put it in his white bowl. One white son of the white Khajit grabbed three white moon sugar biscuits and put them in his white bowl. The other white son of the white Khajit took a white ladle and scooped up some white moon sugar brittle and put it in his white bowl. The white Khajit and his white sons then started to eat.
The Altmer then asked the Dunmer where he was headed and the Dunmer let him know that he needed to find passage back home. The Altmer said he was part of a research team on their way to Bleakrock Isle and offered him a cot on the ship. The Dunmer was beside himself to not only have found a way back, but was extremely happy to be venturing out with fellow researchers as well. The white Khajit and his white sons, without saying another word, put their white bowls in one white hand, brushed their white mouths free of the white crumbs with the other white hand, pushed back their white chairs, got up from the white table, placed the white bowls into a white wash bucket, walked across the white floor, approached the white front door, turned the white doorknob, opened the white door and walked outside. Immediately, the white house, white trees, white grass, and white furniture all disappeared and the Dunmer and Altmer found themselves sitting alone on the cliffside.
“That was one heck of an experience?” the Altmer said to the Dunmer.
“Yes.” The Dunmer replied. “There’s no way anyone will ever believe us”
They conferred with each other at great length while they made their way to the ship. Once there, they told every other researcher on the vessel about the incident and wrote a paper documenting their observation for posterity.
Here's what they wrote.....Dunmer and Altmer researchers agree that Khajit prefer the taste of Moon Sugar Brittle 2 to 1 over Moon Sugar Biscuits as part of a complete breakfastEdited by BaddLarry on July 2, 2014 1:27AM7 -
Affrayer✭✭✭What did the Bosmer do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped!
*badum tish*
I'll see myself out...Pffffff5 -
Blackhorne✭✭✭✭
If this thread has shown anything, it's that the biggest joke of all are the desperate trolls.Perphection wrote: »I've got the BEST ESO joke of the day!!!
This game.
16 -
isengrimb16_ESO✭✭✭✭✭@BaddLarry - That so reminded me of an old Undermountain game I used to be in. The GM said our spy saw some "white dwarves" up ahead. We all thought "What the hell does their skin colour have to do with anything?"
Wights. Short, hairy ones.
2 -
bitaken✭✭✭✭✭ESO joke of the day?
We want to fix it For Real this time with a hotfix.
That's pretty funny eh?PvP Lead Officer for Einherjar
Member of Einherjar and associated guilds since 2001
A multi Gaming community of players.2 -
Food4Thought✭✭✭A Khajit drunken bar song ...
My name is Sabation
I work on a plantation.
I make 5 gold a day.
I really dig Lucy
She gives me some $%%@#
Then takes my 5 gold away!2 -
purple-magicb16_ESO✭✭✭✭✭Alrite, I'll throw my hat into the ring:
Three Nords, Ulfric, Eorlund and Olfrid, in a fishing boat aren’t having much luck catching anything when, after several dozen meads, Olfrid falls into the water and sinks to the murky depths. The other two frantically decide what to do. Eorlund jumps in to pull him up and Ulfric stays on the boat to help load him in. After being below for several minutes, Eorlund finally surfaces, throwing him in the boat with the help of Ulfric. Ulfric immediately begins mouth to mouth resuscitation.
Ulfric (as he is giving mouth to mouth): Wow, Olfrid has really bad breath!
Eorlund: Yeah, and I don’t even remember him changing into a skidoo suit… EEEEWWWW!!
Sorry, joke doesn't work without 'skidoo suit'.
GLHFEdited by purple-magicb16_ESO on July 2, 2014 6:14PMI don't comment here often but when I do, I get [snip]0 -
LrdRahvin✭✭✭✭✭Shadowhorn wrote: »I was once an adventurer like you but then I took MULTIPLE PATCHES to the knee (and a hotfix or two thrown in for good measure).
There...fixed it for you ^
Edited by LrdRahvin on July 2, 2014 6:16PM0 -
purple-magicb16_ESO✭✭✭✭✭Chuck Norris Jokes. I just realised we might be able to do them by replacing "Chuck Norris" with "the nameless hero". I mean those guys actualyl defeat Deadra and Living gods left and right on a daily basis.
The namless hero counted all the way to inifinity - twice.
Tests have shown that the force of a single shourt by the nameless dragonborn is bigger then the force of a lightning bolt. Or Volcano Erruption.
The nameless dragonborn once shouted soo loud, that the sheer force caused a disruption in space and it hit Molag Bal in the face a thousand years earlier, resultin in his defeat during the whole planemeld.
The namless hero does not read books. He just hits them once with his
index finger and the universe instantly let's him knows everything there is to know about it's contents.
For the namless hero even the most comprehensive almanach about the deadric realms does not dare to be longer to read then 10 pages per book. If they would have to be bigger, they just split themself into multiple tomes.
The Nameless hero knows what you are going to say beforehand, so most of the time he does not bother to listen to what you have to tell and just skips to the end and helps you.
Gudrod the Hunter eats his steak with a straw.I don't comment here often but when I do, I get [snip]0 -
isengrimb16_ESO✭✭✭✭✭The only other one I can think of, I can't figure out how to translate it, because Tamriel people don't have definitive "ethnic" songs like "I'se the B'ye" and "Frere Jacques".
0 -
ArconSeptim✭✭✭✭Zenimax, lagimax, fpslossimax really cool game this eso is you run it on max settings zenimax try that
*** 0 -
AlexDougherty✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭purple-magicb16_ESO wrote: »Alrite, I'll throw my hat into the ring:
Three Nords, Ulfric, Eorlund and Olfrid, in a fishing boat aren’t having much luck catching anything when, after several dozen meads, Olfrid falls into the water and sinks to the murky depths. The other two frantically decide what to do. Eorlund jumps in to pull him up and Ulfric stays on the boat to help load him in. After being below for several minutes, Eorlund finally surfaces, throwing him in the boat with the help of Ulfric. Ulfric immediately begins mouth to mouth resuscitation.
Ulfric (as he is giving mouth to mouth): Wow, Olfrid has really bad breath!
Eorlund: Yeah, and I don’t even remember him changing into a skidoo suit… EEEEWWWW!!
Sorry, joke doesn't work without 'skidoo suit'.
GLHF
I don't get it, at all.
Sorry but I just don't see any joke there.People believe what they either want to be true or what they are afraid is true!
Wizard's first rule
Passion rules reason
Wizard's third rule
Mind what people Do, not what they say, for actions betray a lie.
Wizard's fifth rule
Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self
Wizard's tenth rule9 -
Tremulous✭✭✭So during the Battle for Cyrodiil three of the Ebonheart Pact were captured and thrown into prison. There was a Norned named Shut up, an Argonian named Manners, and a Dunmer named Poo. (Character names now a days gezz.)
Well After a While these three came up with an escape plan. They had dug a hole to the outside yard and carefully avoided the spotlights. Shut up with his Norden strength leaped over the fense and took off forsaking his comrades. Every man for himself. Manners shimmied up the fence and landed on the other side safe and sound. Poo Attempted to climb over the fence but fell, hurting his leg.
Now Manners like his name went to aid his fallen brother in arms. Meanwhile Shut up was cornered by the guards who caught him while on patrol. One Guard shouted; with his sword raised, "What's your name!" The Nord respond, "Shut up." Furiated the guard yelled, "where are your manners?!?"
Shut up respond, "Over there picking up Poo."
The End
6 -
Lord_Draevan✭✭✭✭✭
✭I would love for someone to come up with a funny/dirty limmerick for ESO :PI'm a man of few words. Any questions?NA/PC server0 -
LrdRahvin✭✭✭✭✭Lord_Draevan wrote: »I would love for someone to come up with a funny/dirty limmerick for ESO :P
There once was a game called eso...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
There... ESO is both funny and dirty (also broken)
0 -
isengrimb16_ESO✭✭✭✭✭Lord_Draevan wrote: »I would love for someone to come up with a funny/dirty limmerick for ESO :P
"There once was a Nord from Nantucket ..."
You can fill in the rest. If I do, this post will get deleted so fast, your head would spin.
0 -
Lord_Draevan✭✭✭✭✭
✭LrdRahvinb14a_ESO wrote: »
There once was a game called eso...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
There... ESO is both funny and dirty (also broken)
But but... that's not a limerick Edited by Lord_Draevan on July 2, 2014 8:10PMI'm a man of few words. Any questions?NA/PC server0 -
purple-magicb16_ESO✭✭✭✭✭AlexDougherty wrote: »purple-magicb16_ESO wrote: »Alrite, I'll throw my hat into the ring:
Three Nords, Ulfric, Eorlund and Olfrid, in a fishing boat aren’t having much luck catching anything when, after several dozen meads, Olfrid falls into the water and sinks to the murky depths. The other two frantically decide what to do. Eorlund jumps in to pull him up and Ulfric stays on the boat to help load him in. After being below for several minutes, Eorlund finally surfaces, throwing him in the boat with the help of Ulfric. Ulfric immediately begins mouth to mouth resuscitation.
Ulfric (as he is giving mouth to mouth): Wow, Olfrid has really bad breath!
Eorlund: Yeah, and I don’t even remember him changing into a skidoo suit… EEEEWWWW!!
Sorry, joke doesn't work without 'skidoo suit'.
GLHF
I don't get it, at all.
Sorry but I just don't see any joke there.
He pulled up the dead body of a guy who fell thru the ice on his snow machine and died the previous winter. <picture me smacking myself in the forehead>
:-sEdited by purple-magicb16_ESO on July 2, 2014 8:17PMI don't comment here often but when I do, I get [snip]0 -
Lord_Draevan✭✭✭✭✭
✭isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »
"There once was a Nord from Nantucket ..."
You can fill in the rest. If I do, this post will get deleted so fast, your head would spin.
Actually, the original Nantucket limerick is from 1902 and wasn't a dirty one. Here it is modifed for ESO:
"There once was a Nord from Nantucket
Who kept all his gold in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket."Edited by Lord_Draevan on July 2, 2014 8:15PMI'm a man of few words. Any questions?NA/PC server2 -
isengrimb16_ESO✭✭✭✭✭Lord_Draevan wrote: »isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »
"There once was a Nord from Nantucket ..."
You can fill in the rest. If I do, this post will get deleted so fast, your head would spin.
Actually, the original Nantucket limerick is from 1902 and wasn't a dirty one. Here it is modifed for ESO:
"There once was a Nord from Nantucket
Who kept all his gold in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket."
You're as much fun as a Presbeterian woman in a bar.
Edited by isengrimb16_ESO on July 2, 2014 8:19PM2 -
Lord_Draevan✭✭✭✭✭
✭isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »
You're as much fun as a Presbeterian woman in a bar.
History is no joke. ಠ__ಠ
Just kidding, history is hilarious
I'm a man of few words. Any questions?NA/PC server4
