ESO Joke of the Day

AlexDougherty · July 2014

purple-magicb16_ESO wrote: »

AlexDougherty wrote: »

purple-magicb16_ESO wrote: »

Alrite, I'll throw my hat into the ring:

Three Nords, Ulfric, Eorlund and Olfrid, in a fishing boat aren’t having much luck catching anything when, after several dozen meads, Olfrid falls into the water and sinks to the murky depths. The other two frantically decide what to do. Eorlund jumps in to pull him up and Ulfric stays on the boat to help load him in. After being below for several minutes, Eorlund finally surfaces, throwing him in the boat with the help of Ulfric. Ulfric immediately begins mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Ulfric (as he is giving mouth to mouth): Wow, Olfrid has really bad breath!

Eorlund: Yeah, and I don’t even remember him changing into a skidoo suit… EEEEWWWW!!

Sorry, joke doesn't work without 'skidoo suit'.

GLHF

I don't get it, at all.
Sorry but I just don't see any joke there.

He pulled up the dead body of a guy who fell thru the ice on his snow machine and died the previous winter. <picture me smacking myself in the forehead>
:-s

Ok, thanks for the explanation.

isengrimb16_ESO · July 2014

Lord_Draevan wrote: »

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

You're as much fun as a Presbeterian woman in a bar.

History is no joke. ಠ__ಠ

Just kidding, history is hilarious

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJsrcbVGsa4

zgrssd · July 2014

Lord_Draevan wrote: »

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

You're as much fun as a Presbeterian woman in a bar.

History is no joke. ಠ__ಠ

Just kidding, history is hilarious

Unless you had to life through it. Then it usually just *bleeps*.

Lord_Draevan · July 2014

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJsrcbVGsa4

I'm at work right now and YouTube is blocked :P

Perphection · July 2014

Shadowhorn wrote: »

I was once an adventurer like you but then I took a patch to the knee.

Haha, oh that's good.

AlexDougherty · July 2014

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

Lord_Draevan wrote: »

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

You're as much fun as a Presbeterian woman in a bar.

History is no joke. ಠ__ಠ

Just kidding, history is hilarious

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJsrcbVGsa4

Very nice, but the research into the song was done by people about to become famous.

I won't bore you with the who, what & why though.

zgrssd · July 2014

There was one an old altmer master wizard. He had the rule to only take one apprentince at a time and apprenticeship with him took 10 years. But since he was known for his skill and wisdom, people still wanted to learn from him.

This time three mer have gathered to become his student:
A Altmer, a Dunmer and a Bosmer - all three women.
He will ask each prospective student a question to measure thier wit and ability to deal with situations without using the magic he teaches. Only those who impress him the most can be thier student and will get his Student Badge.

The Altmer is first to be asked the riddle:
"You are walking alone along a the forrest road when you suddenly notice a man following you. What do you do?"
"I run faster"
"He keeps pace"
"Then I hide in the forrests. My parrents often took me out hunting, so I think I can outmaneuver him in the thicket."
The master thinks on this and asks her to send in the next student.

Next it is the Dunmer's turn:
"You are walking alone along a the forrest road when you suddenly notice a man following you. What do you do?"
"I run faster"
"He keeps pace"
"Then I grab myself a tree branch and fight him. My parent thaught me how to defend myself."

The Bosmer is last. She goes in and comes back out less then a minute later, having the Student badge on her clothes (as far as Bosmer wear clothes).
The other two are impressed and went to know what happened. She tells:
"The old geezer told me that I was being chased by a man through a forrest."
"So I said I stop."
"So he said the man was getting closer. So I said I lift my dress."
The Dunmer starts turning red but the Altmer continues to ask:
"But what then?"
"Then I wait till he drops his pants to his knees."

Now even the Altmer turns red. The Bosmer looks at them slightly confused and asks:
"What? I am pretty sure that with a lifted dress I can outrun any man that has his pants down."

Chuggernaut · July 2014

What did the Bosmer do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped.

Lord_Draevan · July 2014

zgrssd wrote: »

Unless you had to life through it. Then it usually just *bleeps*.

To list a few:
-The year 3 different popes were elected, argued, and each excommunicated the other.
-Napoleon stating "steam power will never be usefull, and to think a ship will ever move without a sail is simply absurd."
-When Lichtenstein invaded Italy with 80 men and came back with 81, a friend they'd made.
-In 1973, a drunk Libyan managed to hit the only existing tree in the Sahara desert with his truck.
-In 1895, there were only 2 cars in the entire state of Ohio. They managed to hit one another.

AngryNord · July 2014

Lord_Draevan wrote: »

zgrssd wrote: »

Unless you had to life through it. Then it usually just *bleeps*.

To list a few:
-The year 3 different popes were elected, argued, and each excommunicated the other.
-Napoleon stating "steam power will never be usefull, and to think a ship will ever move without a sail is simply absurd."
-When Lichtenstein invaded Italy with 80 men and came back with 81, a friend they'd made.
-In 1973, a drunk Libyan managed to hit the only existing tree in the Sahara desert with his truck.
-In 1895, there were only 2 cars in the entire state of Ohio. They managed to hit one another.

Bill Gates: 640K ought to be enough for everyone

isengrimb16_ESO · July 2014

AlexDougherty wrote: »

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

Lord_Draevan wrote: »

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

You're as much fun as a Presbeterian woman in a bar.

History is no joke. ಠ__ಠ

Just kidding, history is hilarious

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJsrcbVGsa4

Very nice, but the research into the song was done by people about to become famous.

I won't bore you with the who, what & why though.

Oh, I`m very interested. I always thought the Arrogant Worms were just a bunch of jerks from Toronto that very few people had ever heard of.

Other groups get confused for them, usually Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. Notably this song. These guys are from Edmonton.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-LzM9fMS-0&feature=kp

BTW, this song is pretty damn accurate.

isengrimb16_ESO · July 2014

zgrssd wrote: »

There was one an old altmer master wizard. He had the rule to only take one apprentince at a time and apprenticeship with him took 10 years. But since he was known for his skill and wisdom, people still wanted to learn from him.

This time three mer have gathered to become his student:
A Altmer, a Dunmer and a Bosmer - all three women.
He will ask each prospective student a question to measure thier wit and ability to deal with situations without using the magic he teaches. Only those who impress him the most can be thier student and will get his Student Badge.

The Altmer is first to be asked the riddle:
"You are walking alone along a the forrest road when you suddenly notice a man following you. What do you do?"
"I run faster"
"He keeps pace"
"Then I hide in the forrests. My parrents often took me out hunting, so I think I can outmaneuver him in the thicket."
The master thinks on this and asks her to send in the next student.

Next it is the Dunmer's turn:
"You are walking alone along a the forrest road when you suddenly notice a man following you. What do you do?"
"I run faster"
"He keeps pace"
"Then I grab myself a tree branch and fight him. My parent thaught me how to defend myself."

The Bosmer is last. She goes in and comes back out less then a minute later, having the Student badge on her clothes (as far as Bosmer wear clothes).
The other two are impressed and went to know what happened. She tells:
"The old geezer told me that I was being chased by a man through a forrest."
"So I said I stop."
"So he said the man was getting closer. So I said I lift my dress."
The Dunmer starts turning red but the Altmer continues to ask:
"But what then?"
"Then I wait till he drops his pants to his knees."

Now even the Altmer turns red. The Bosmer looks at them slightly confused and asks:
"What? I am pretty sure that with a lifted dress I can outrun any man that has his pants down."

LOL! Yeah, I always laugh at news stories about baggy-pants gangstas trying to run away from the cops but tripping over their own baggy pants.

born2beagator · July 2014

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

Lord_Draevan wrote: »

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

You're as much fun as a Presbeterian woman in a bar.

History is no joke. ಠ__ಠ

Just kidding, history is hilarious

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJsrcbVGsa4

There are no words to describe how amazing this is

Antonie · July 2014

During my journey to find the best vintage wine i stumbled upon a small tavern. Someone was giving free rounds of cheese. I figured the least to do to thank that person is to listen what tale he is telling.

"M'aiq knows much, and tells some.
This one was on his way to meet an old acquaintance at Red Mountain.
While climbing M`aiq overheard a conversation.

First Voice: ...you are cursed to carry my luggage up this mountain, only to see it fall down over and over again!
Second Voice: Nooo!
First Voice: Okay, okay addendum: Each Time my luggage rolls back down a meaningless counter will say you have increased one level and its content will be emptied, then gets refilled.
Second Voice: Woohoo! What do i get when i level?
First Voice: Higher strenght, more luggage and free cheese for everyone!"

Affrayer · July 2014

rob.shzaub17_ESO wrote: »

What did the Bosmer do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped.

If you are going to copy someone, at least wait 3-4 pages. sheesh.

Chuggernaut · July 2014

Affrayer wrote: »

rob.shzaub17_ESO wrote: »

What did the Bosmer do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped.

If you are going to copy someone, at least wait 3-4 pages. sheesh.

lol oops, my bad. Saw the thread and looked for a good cannibal joke.

Affrayer · July 2014

rob.shzaub17_ESO wrote: »

Affrayer wrote: »

rob.shzaub17_ESO wrote: »

What did the Bosmer do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped.

If you are going to copy someone, at least wait 3-4 pages. sheesh.

lol oops, my bad. Saw the thread and looked for a good cannibal joke.

Oh it was a mistake? No biggy man ^^. Just giving you a hard time.

That joke is so old and corny though. =p

Chuggernaut · July 2014

Affrayer wrote: »

rob.shzaub17_ESO wrote: »

Affrayer wrote: »

rob.shzaub17_ESO wrote: »

What did the Bosmer do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped.

If you are going to copy someone, at least wait 3-4 pages. sheesh.

lol oops, my bad. Saw the thread and looked for a good cannibal joke.

Oh it was a mistake? No biggy man ^^. Just giving you a hard time.

That joke is so old and corny though. =p

Agreed! The comedians I listen too don't have jokes that translate well to ESO (Louis CK or John Mulaney).

ReCreare · July 2014

Obscure wrote: »

What do you get when you cross a Nord, a Dunmer, and an Argonian?
Violently Murdered!

Blood for the Pact!

Zerged!

purple-magicb16_ESO · July 2014

purple-magicb16_ESO · July 2014

Affrayer wrote: »

rob.shzaub17_ESO wrote: »

Affrayer wrote: »

rob.shzaub17_ESO wrote: »

What did the Bosmer do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped.

If you are going to copy someone, at least wait 3-4 pages. sheesh.

lol oops, my bad. Saw the thread and looked for a good cannibal joke.

Oh it was a mistake? No biggy man ^^. Just giving you a hard time.

That joke is so old and corny though. =p

Hehe... corny. Didn't think it possible but u just made that joke even grosser (is grosser a word?), anyway good on ya for puttin your own personal touch to it - I like it! It has further gag appeal!

zgrssd · July 2014

A sheltered Altmer mage is shown the City by a Kajiit. They come across a casino. Asks the Altmer: "Are those games of chance?"
"Not the way this one will play them."

LrdRahvin · July 2014

Lord_Draevan wrote: »

LrdRahvinb14a_ESO wrote: »

There once was a game called eso...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There... ESO is both funny and dirty (also broken)

But but... that's not a limerick

How's this then?

There once was a game called ESO
It was so full of bugs it got the heave-hoe
Along came the fanboys
Protecting their scam toy
Now they're all alone acting emo

Edit: Had to edit and intentionally misspell h o as it's filtered >.<

NadiusMaximus · July 2014

I posted a joke here but with all the lag it should show up in a few minutes.
Try reloading......

zgrssd · July 2014

LrdRahvinb14a_ESO wrote: »

Lord_Draevan wrote: »

LrdRahvinb14a_ESO wrote: »

There once was a game called eso...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There... ESO is both funny and dirty (also broken)

But but... that's not a limerick

How's this then?

There once was a game called ESO
It was so full of bugs it got the heave-hoe
Along came the fanboys
Protecting their scam toy
Now they're all alone acting emo

Edit: Had to edit and intentionally misspell h o as it's filtered >.<

NadiusMaximus wrote: »

I posted a joke here but with all the lag it should show up in a few minutes.
Try reloading......

The joke is on you. You have been trying to derail this thread for 10 pages now. With exactly 0 success.

But as a old saying goes: Slapstick humor is timeless.
So keep running against the wall of non-reaction. You might actually get through some day.

coryevans_3b14_ESO · July 2014

rob.shzaub17_ESO wrote: »

What did the Bosmer do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped.

lol

Lodestar · July 2014

A young Imperial maiden, runs excitedly into her fathers house, and says "Father, I am getting married! May I borrow mothers wedding dress"?

He looks quizzically at her. "Why are you pregnant"?

"NO"! she cries back.

"He responds with a shrug "Won't fit you then".

LrdRahvin · July 2014

zgrssd wrote: »

LrdRahvinb14a_ESO wrote: »

Lord_Draevan wrote: »

LrdRahvinb14a_ESO wrote: »

There once was a game called eso...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There... ESO is both funny and dirty (also broken)

But but... that's not a limerick

How's this then?

There once was a game called ESO
It was so full of bugs it got the heave-hoe
Along came the fanboys
Protecting their scam toy
Now they're all alone acting emo

Edit: Had to edit and intentionally misspell h o as it's filtered >.<

NadiusMaximus wrote: »

I posted a joke here but with all the lag it should show up in a few minutes.
Try reloading......

The joke is on you. You have been trying to derail this thread for 10 pages now. With exactly 0 success.

But as a old saying goes: Slapstick humor is timeless.
So keep running against the wall of non-reaction. You might actually get through some day.

Hodor? Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor! Hodor Hodor?

zgrssd · July 2014

"How to hack you foot off"
How to shoot yourself in the foot different styles (Operatign Systems, Programming Languages, Martial Arts Styles) has been done. This is my attempt to apply it to Tamriel. I am not sure I got all the right stuff for each race.

The Orc:
Hacks his own foot of. Asks if you do not want the whole leg or maybe the other foot too.

The Kajiit:
Would just go and steal someone his foot. Without that person noticing it!

The Bosmer:
Invites some friends first. You have to share free snacks with friends after all!

The Nord:
Tries to give himself Nord Courage - by drinking mead. When he finally is drunk enough to do it, he is also so drunk that he misses and only cuts of the feet of tables, cabinets and other furniture.
He still wakes up with a whole leg less the next day and nobody knows how that happened again.

The Dunmer:
First has to research the "propper" way of cutting his foot off.

The Altmer:
Like the dunmer, it just takes much longer to do the proper resaerch and do the proper rites.

The Redguard:
Makes certain his foot is burried with "the honored Thread" for fear of it being brought back to undead existince otherwise.

The Argonian:
Asks the hist for a helping hand. Doesn't receive one, so he asumes it is not the will of the his to loose his foot yet.
Alternative:
Asks a crocodile for a helping maw.

The Imperial:
Hacks off his foot. After all it was ordered.
Then goes mad over griev of what he lost and ultimatively has the wierd idea to get Emperor by raising a army of undead feet, that will be lead by his foot as general.
A Hero prophesized in the Elder Scrolls riases to challenge him. This time will be know as TES: The Foot Soldier Wars.

AlexDougherty · July 2014

zgrssd wrote: »

The Dunmer:
First has to research the "proper" way of cutting his foot off.

The Altmer:
Like the Dunmer, it just takes much longer to do the proper research and do the proper rites.

@zgrssd

These two seem a bit wrong to me, Altmer in other games were not that interested in the rites, the proper form yes, rituals however are more a Dunmer thing. They would research it first though.

And it seems to me that the Dunmer would try to trick you into giving up your foot instead, and only cut his foot off as a last resort (after trying to poison you of course).