ESO Joke of the Day

Tipsy247

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I

coryevans_3b14_ESO

Rammanjeff wrote: »

Funny nobody has said this yet...

ESO IS the joke of the day.

That's because this was meant to be a fun, actual jokes converted to eso lore thread. But folks like you are to be expected. You can't stand anyone having fun. You must make sure they are as miserable as you are.

Edit: Also, kudos to everyone contributing actual jokes to this thread. This is one of my favorite threads so far, very fun to read

terryammon

Joke of the day got to be... Everyone that bought this game, it cant just be me, that feels like i have spent alot of money on a game and sub and been totally ripped off and left with a headache and waiting for patches to fix patches and im not going to say anything about the pfs/lag problems in pvp, but it clearly shows why ESO had its release dated canceled by Sony and Microsoft for PS4 & Xbox1.

Dayv

Why did the nord keep going to old tombs?


He was a draugr addict.

coryevans_3b14_ESO

terryammon wrote: »

Joke of the day got to be... Everyone that bought this game, it cant just be me, that feels like i have spent alot of money on a game and sub and been totally ripped off and left with a headache and waiting for patches to fix patches and im not going to say anything about the pfs/lag problems in pvp, but it clearly shows why ESO had its release dated canceled by Sony and Microsoft for PS4 & Xbox1.

Forums need ignore ability ASAP. This kind of thing ruins threads that try to be fun. There are plenty of other threads for your complaints. Constructive or not.

Noctisse

Love this thread in spite of the moaners who try to use it as yet another thread to complain about the state of the game

AlexDougherty

A Khajit, An Argonian, and a Breton are maroon on a desert isle, after search the isle they come across an statue of Azura.

The statue says "You can each have one Wish"

The Breton says "I want to go home to High Rock, and see my family", poof he disappears in a puff of blue smoke, and presumably reappears in High Rock.

The Argonian says "I want to go to my Uncles place in Riften, and be able to swim in the lake there", poof he dissappears in another cloud of blue smoke.

The Khajit scratches his head and says "this one finds this too hard, I wish my two friends were back here to help me decide",.....

Sturmwaffel

Thought for sure that khajiit was going to wish for a large ship full of skooma.

AlexDougherty

Sturmwaffel wrote: »

Thought for sure that khajiit was going to wish for a large ship full of skooma.

Maybe that's what he'll wish for on the next island.

vokage89

Food4Thought wrote: »

I'm curious how many people have Elder Scrolls or Elder Scrolls Online jokes and I want to hear them all. If you got a joke, please post. Whoever gets the most "LOL" wins!

I'll start.

An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.

The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"

The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."

NICE way to steal a human joke from WOW.. guess you dont thing any wow players wanted to try a new game huh?

Sturmwaffel

vokage89 wrote: »

Food4Thought wrote: »

I'm curious how many people have Elder Scrolls or Elder Scrolls Online jokes and I want to hear them all. If you got a joke, please post. Whoever gets the most "LOL" wins!

I'll start.

An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.

The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"

The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."

NICE way to steal a human joke from WOW.. guess you dont thing any wow players wanted to try a new game huh?

I know, let's read the first post and then comment on the fourth page. That'll be fun.

nudel

Nyghthowler

Two Nords are walking down the street and see a dog near the stables licking it's balls.

The first Nord says "I vish I could do that..."

The second Nord looks at his friend and replies "Don't ve stupid, that dog would bite you"

AngryNord

What do you get for killing a Khajiit in Eastmarch?

Answer: More experience, and your stuff back.

Tannakaobi

I also love this thread, which is why I will post another joke.

A group of three Nords are exploring Valenwood when they are captured by some Bosmer.
They are brought before the King, who tells them they are to be cooked and eaten for an upcoming feast.
The men are tied up and lowered into a giant pot of water.
Two of the Nords start screaming and shouting, but the third starts laughing hysterically.
His friends ask him, "What is so funny? We're about to be boiled alive, you know!"
The laughing Nord grins and says, "I just crapped in their soup!"

Food4Thought

vokage89 wrote: »

Food4Thought wrote: »

I'm curious how many people have Elder Scrolls or Elder Scrolls Online jokes and I want to hear them all. If you got a joke, please post. Whoever gets the most "LOL" wins!

I'll start.

An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.

The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"

The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."

NICE way to steal a human joke from WOW.. guess you dont thing any wow players wanted to try a new game huh?

Actually, had you bother to read the jokes posted on the first page. You would have noticed I responded to that ... on the first page.

Goibot

ZOS

Aett_Thorn

Two wolves and a bear are talking in the woods outside of an Altmer city. One wolf says, "I wonder what it's like in the city there. Every time we get close, the guards or some adventurer attacks us."

"Oh, it's wonderful," says the bear, "full of beautiful buildings and some great artwork."

The wolves are stunned. "How did you get in to see the city?"

"Oh, it's easy for me," responded the bear. "I just stand on my back legs, tell the guard I'm a Nord, and he will point me towards the nearest tavern."

Swordguy

A Nord, Orc and Khajiit are running from the Guards after a failed bank robbery.

The 3 of them run into an alleyway, and notice a bunch of empty sacks on the ground. each of them squeeze into an empty sack, and try to lay motionless against the wall.

The guards enter the alleyway, and look around.

"There," shouts one of the Guards, "I see horns poking through a potato sack!"

The Nord hiding inside the sack lets out a loud "Mooooo."

"Nevermind that, Its just a homeless cow," replied the 2nd guard.

"Well, what about that potato sack over there?" Exclaimed the 1st Guard, "I see a large Tail sticking out."

The Khajiit hiding inside the sack let out a loud "Meeeooow."

"Nevermind," said the first Guard.

"Yeah, best not to let the cat out of that bag!" The second Guard said jokingly.

The Orc started to Giggle, amused by the corny joke.

"What's that?!" exclaimed the 2nd Guard, "Show yourself thieves, I can hear you!"

The first Guard pointed to a vibrating potato sack and said "I think the noise is coming the shaking potato sack over there!"

The Orc froze, and not knowing what else to do said bravely, "I'm just a potato, its the khajiit and Nord hiding in the other potato sacks you want."

Arsenic_Touch

Found the best joke of the day.

http://forums.elderscrollsonline.com/discussion/113725/urgent-hotfix-required/p6

Not an exploit. HA!

Elirienne

Keep it coming people please, I am not a funny gal so don't know many great jokes, but here is something I actually said to my sister about my boss who is called Richard, she couldn't stop laughing:

"I am not saying I hate him, I am just saying that if I had Molag Bal, Mannimarco and Richard in a room, and only two arrows left, I would shoot him twice."

[Moderator Note: Edited per our rules on Trolling & Baiting]

SDZald

Why do Breton Mages prefer to use Khajiit in their magic experiments instead of rats?

There are some things you just can't get a rat to do.

I know real bad

TheGrandAlliance

Food4Thought wrote: »

I'm curious how many people have Elder Scrolls or Elder Scrolls Online jokes and I want to hear them all. If you got a joke, please post. Whoever gets the most "LOL" wins!

I'll start.

An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.

The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"

The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."

Way to go with WoW human male /silly

AlienPrimate

Best elder scrolls joke ever:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OABQgRkkCBA

Tannakaobi

AlienPrimate wrote: »

Best elder scrolls joke ever:

lol! A real thigh-slapper that one... classic.

Elirienne wrote: »

[Moderator Note: Edited per our rules on Trolling & Baiting]
<snip>
I am not a funny gal so don't know many great jokes.

I thought that was pretty funny to be fair.

Beerbong_Ginn

A troll and a deer were pooping in the woods. The troll says to the deer, "Hey, deer... you ever have problems with poop sticking to your fur?"

"Nope," the deer answered.

So the troll ate the deer. Seriously, never poop near a troll.

isengrimb16_ESO

Three generals - one from each alliance - were bragging about how brave their men were to each other. Eventually, as such things do, the brag-fest got around to "prove it."

So, the Breton general calls over an Orc. "See that 10 foot ladder there? I order you to jump off of it into a tub of water!"

"Yes, sir!" saluted the Orc, and he did it.

The Nord general snorts. "You tink dat's sometink? Vatch this." He calls over an Argonian, and orders him to jump off a 50 foot ladder into a barrel of water. The Argonian obeyed the command immediately, without hesitation.

The Altmer scoffs at the beaming Nord. Disdainfully, he looks around (down his nose, of course), and spies a Khajit. "Soldier! I order you to jump off a 100 foot ladder into a glass of water!"

The Khajit salutes, and says, "With all due respect, sir, this one thinks you should go f--- yourself", and walks away.

The Altmer points proudly. "Now THAT'S courage!"

Aeradon

A rich and stingy Altmer has a lifelong dream of hunting forest trolls, and he wants to keep them alive during the process. One day, a Khajiit shows up in town and claims that he is a renowned hunter that has thoroughly explored Tamriel and knows every bit there is about any beast.

The Altmer immediately hired the Khajiit, and so they traveled to the forests within the Rift. The Khajiit then asks for 10,000 gold pieces, of which 2,000 was used to buy the best hound in Riften, 3,000 for the strongest Nord he could find, and 5,000 for a bow said to be strung by Rajhin himself. The Altmer has been calculating, but he reserved his comments.

When they finally found a forest troll resting on top of a tree, the Khajiit signalled for the Nord to take action. The Nord climbed onto the tree, and shook the branch the forest troll was resting on. As soon as the troll falls to the ground, the dog rushes in and bites the troll in the groins. The troll then faints.

"There, this one is very capable, yes?" The Altmer kept quiet.

4 more trolls were caught, all in the same way. The Nord shakes the branch, the dog bites the groin, and the Mer gets his trolls. The High Elf was still not content about the price he paid. He finally confronted the Khajiit and said, "Look, the Nord is strong, the dog does his job, and the troll is easily caught. So why in Oblivion do we need the bow? And it costs the most gold of them all!"

The Khajiit smiled and said, "It's good that we do not need the bow, friend. It's good."

The Altmer stopped bickering as they spotted another forest troll. The largest they have seen so far. The Khajiit signalled for the Nord to proceed. The Nord snuck to the tree, climbed the tree and when he's about the shake the branch, the troll woke up, grabbed the Nord, and threw him off the tree!

As the Nord was falling towards the ground, he shouts "By the Eight! Shoot the dog!"

AlienSlof

TheGrandAlliance wrote: »

Food4Thought wrote: »

I'm curious how many people have Elder Scrolls or Elder Scrolls Online jokes and I want to hear them all. If you got a joke, please post. Whoever gets the most "LOL" wins!

I'll start.

An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.

The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"

The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."

Way to go with WoW human male /silly

That joke was around in many forms long before WoW came along. Not everything was born from Wow.

This is a great topic and one I keep coming back to for a good giggle now and again!

Tannakaobi

Beerbong_Ginn wrote: »

A troll and a deer were pooping in the woods. The troll says to the deer, "Hey, deer... you ever have problems with poop sticking to your fur?"

"Nope," the deer answered.

So the troll ate the deer. Seriously, never poop near a troll.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYpgbLPsADA