ESO Joke of the Day

Surinen

(lore positive) bosmeri idiom: you *** what you saw
original: you reap what you sow

Food4Thought

I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a Khajiit with some skomma. Let’s kick its &%$.

What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same disguise mistake that I did when the Redguards are cellibrating.

Aett_Thorn

How many people from each race does it take to put out a fire?

Altmer: All of them, since they all just let the lesser races deal with such petty things as "fire."

Dunmer: One, who keeps throwing slaves on it, but it just keeps getting bigger!

Nord: At least two, but they didn't bring any water, they only have mead, and they're sure as **** not going to waste good mead on a fire. Just let the sucker burn itself out while we get drunk.

Khajiit: One, though This One ponders where the fire came from, and where it is going. Who is This One to tell the fire to go out?

Orc: Just one, but the Chief and the Clanmother stage a contest of strength to determine which orc has the honor of putting out the fire this time.

Argonian: None...it's a freakin' marsh, what damage could a fire do here?

Breton: One, though he must study the nature of the fire, determine if it is actual a daedra in disguise, and see if the fire has any magical value before he puts it out.

Bosmer: None, better to use the fire to cook your enemies.

Imperial: None. Don't put out the dragonfire!

Redguard: Oh fine, I'll just put the damn fire out!

Fairydragon3

best thread ever

Litvan

Here's an ESO joke for ya:

Zenimax got their *** together and fixed the game without breaking new stuff every single patch.

kirnmalidus

Tannakaobi wrote: »

As it is a new day I will post another.


As a Nord of good breeding I have many Argonian and Khajiit servants.
Anyway, just the other day my wife walked in to find me in bed with our Argonian maid.
"That's disgusting, what do you have to say for yourself?" she asked, I just sat there and said nothing.
"The cat got your tongue?"
"Sometimes" I replied.

The thought of sleeping with an Argonian is disgusting.

kirnmalidus

Obscure wrote: »

What's the best way to convince even the most pompous Altmer that you have a good point?]

That's redundant.

Warraxx

I thought Patch 1.2.3 was the best joke...

Lodestar

A proud Altmer, looking for a different way to wear his hair to impress his peers, sees Mannimarco from afar, and decides that is the style for him. And so he goes to his local Kajiit hairdresser/grooming parlour and asks him.

"Can you do my hair look like Mannimarco's"?

The Kajiit, seemed perplexed a little, but, was assured this was what his customer wanted. And so, the Kajiit went to work, and very quickly, the sensations of the Kajiits paws, relaxed the tired and weary Altmer, into a deep sleep, while the grooming continued.

The Altmer, stirred some time later, aware at first that the Kajiit had begun to work on a new customer sitting next to him. He greeted them both with a nod, and a stretch, and got up to view himself in a looking glass. But to his horror, discovered he was completely bald!

As he rubbed his hands over his newly shaven head, looking for reassurance this was not his mind playing tricks he cried.

"What have you done to my hair? Mannimarco does not look like this"!

The Kajiit barber replied "He would if he came to this one's grooming shop".

kirnmalidus

vokage89 wrote: »

NICE way to steal a human joke from WOW.. guess you dont thing any wow players wanted to try a new game huh?

No need to be rude about it. Most of the jokes here are converted from other jokes to fit TES lore.

Lodestar

kirnmalidus wrote: »

vokage89 wrote: »

NICE way to steal a human joke from WOW.. guess you dont thing any wow players wanted to try a new game huh?

No need to be rude about it. Most of the jokes here are converted from other jokes to fit TES lore.

Well was, mine was above.

Best leave the miserable *** to find another parade to rain on.

isengrimb16_ESO

kirnmalidus wrote: »

vokage89 wrote: »

NICE way to steal a human joke from WOW.. guess you dont thing any wow players wanted to try a new game huh?

No need to be rude about it. Most of the jokes here are converted from other jokes to fit TES lore.

Yup. That one about the generals, I learned that 30 years ago, and was originally about an American, a German, and a Brit (in that order).

The Altmer in the other, really long joke, was originally an American.

SDZald

kirnmalidus wrote: »

Tannakaobi wrote: »

As it is a new day I will post another.


As a Nord of good breeding I have many Argonian and Khajiit servants.
Anyway, just the other day my wife walked in to find me in bed with our Argonian maid.
"That's disgusting, what do you have to say for yourself?" she asked, I just sat there and said nothing.
"The cat got your tongue?"
"Sometimes" I replied.

The thought of sleeping with an Argonian is disgusting.

Or for that matter licking a Khajiit Khajiit

Affrayer

This one loves walking on the beach with his mate.

Until the skooma wears off and this one is just dragging a stolen mannequin around the town well.

kirnmalidus

Blackhorne wrote: »

kirnmalidus wrote: »

Ollie & Lena jokes converted to ESO FTW.

Well, if that's your flavor, how about one "borrowed" from my favorite cowtown puppet show* (although I'd heard it in another form before then, but I was too young to remember whence) :

Sven and Olaf are down on the docks in Riften.
"Hey Sven," says Olaf, "How long do you think this pier is?"
"Dunno, Olaf," says Sven, "Let me count the boards..."
"Okay, " says Olaf, "And I'll count the slits."

And so they walk down the pier, counting boards and slits.

Sven: 1...
Olaf: ...1
Sven: 2...
Olaf: ...2
....
Sven: 23...
Olaf: ...23
Sven: 24...
Olaf: ..twenty-waaagh! (falls off the pier)

"Ah-hah!" says Sven. "I see now: when you're out of slits, you're out of pier!"

*One thousand internets to you if you know the show.

Not sure if you've ever heard the Ollie and Lena joke involving baby skunks… I've been trying to figure a way to convert that to TES since I saw this thread but can't think of a lore appropriate creature to replace the skunks with that would still make the joke work.

kirnmalidus

Aeradon wrote: »

TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO COME TO THIS THREAD AND SAY ESO IS A JOKE

A wise Khajiit stood in the trade district and told a funny story.

Everybody laughed like crazy.

He told the same story again.

This time, less people laughed.

He told the same story again and again.

When there is no laughter in the crowd,

He smiled and said,

"You can't laugh at the same joke over and over again. Why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again?"

Seriously, bring your constructive complains to the spotlight if you have any, this is not the thread for that. If you believe it's not going to get fixed, take your money elsweyr.

You somehow managed to tell those people to STFU while also staying on topic. Kudos to you sir.

Aeradon

A Breton captain was assigned to the deserts of Hammerfell to replace a Redguard that recently got promoted to Cyrodiil.

As the outpost is positioned in the middle of the vast desert, the Breton asked his native Redguard troop what they do in their free time to let off some steam. Everyone was talking about their Redguard games and music of which the Breton has absolutely no interests in. Just when he was about to think nobody understood his question, he overheard a corporal, "Well, the best time of the month is always when the camel comes, then we'll really let off some steam. The power trip with the camels are just mm-hmm! So good I don't think I'll touch women anymore!" Most agrees, some still prefers the ladies they left behind. The adventurous Breton smiled and kept quiet.

The camels finally arrived after a month of being posted to the outpost. As the captain, the Breton was given a privilege to pick first. "This one has great endurance sir, while Macy over there has really strong legs." said the quartermaster.

"I don't know why the rest of you are still standing there, but I can't stand the heat anymore!" the Breton took a foot stool and placed it behind Macy the camel. Then he stood on the stool, took off his pants and begin to have vigorous [snip] with the camel.

"Is this how you do it?" The captain asked.

"By the Eight! Certainly not sir! We merely take the camels to a mer settlement where the elf ladies are!" One of the soldiers replied.

"But the other night you were saying you do not desire women anymore?"

"Cause the elves call themselves wo-mer!"

@kirnmalidus‌ Thanks! Back to the jokes

Grim13

ESO

Morbus2

With all the problems this game has and ZOS inability to properly fix anything, this game is turning into a joke.

Blackhorne

kirnmalidus wrote: »

Blackhorne wrote: »

kirnmalidus wrote: »

Ollie & Lena jokes converted to ESO FTW.

Well, if that's your flavor, how about one "borrowed" from my favorite cowtown puppet show* (although I'd heard it in another form before then, but I was too young to remember whence) :

Sven and Olaf are down on the docks in Riften.
"Hey Sven," says Olaf, "How long do you think this pier is?"
"Dunno, Olaf," says Sven, "Let me count the boards..."
"Okay, " says Olaf, "And I'll count the slits."

And so they walk down the pier, counting boards and slits.

Sven: 1...
Olaf: ...1
Sven: 2...
Olaf: ...2
....
Sven: 23...
Olaf: ...23
Sven: 24...
Olaf: ..twenty-waaagh! (falls off the pier)

"Ah-hah!" says Sven. "I see now: when you're out of slits, you're out of pier!"

*One thousand internets to you if you know the show.

Not sure if you've ever heard the Ollie and Lena joke involving baby skunks… I've been trying to figure a way to convert that to TES since I saw this thread but can't think of a lore appropriate creature to replace the skunks with that would still make the joke work.

I hadn't, but Google works. I think skeevers would work -- I'm sure they have the requisite olfactory trait. I'm not sure what race to make the travelers, though -- Nords have been a bit overdone, and that's not needed for this particular joke. Argonians wouldn't work either. Khajiits or Orcs might...

[Edit: leftover draft of abandoned comment]

AngryNord

An Argonian officer, a Dunmer officer and a Nord officer were arguing who's military was the mightiest.
"If we command all our troops to stand in line," said the Argonian, "they could completely circle the Imperial City's walls, on their own."
"Bah," said the Dunmer. "If all our troops were commanded to stand in line, they could completely circle all of Cyrodiil, on their own!"
"Well," said the Nord. "If a Nord got his wee-wee to stand, he'd be able to make three seagulls stand wingtip-to-wingtip, and cover its entire length!!"
Of course, none of the three really believed the other, and the Dunmer was the first to back down.
"Well, of course," he said. "There wouldn't be a complete row of soldiers all along the Cyrodiil border, there'd be lots of gaps"
"Yeah," the Argonian said, "there would naturally be quite a few gaps if our soldiers were to line the walls of the Imperial City too"
"Well," said the Nord, "I'll have to admit, that three seagulls wouldn't have the required wingspan to completely cover the length of a Nord's wee-wee either"

charles_crowe

A Dunmer, Breton, and Bosmer go to a tavern. The barkeep asks for their orders.

The Dunmer orders the finest jug of Sujamma they have.

Not to be outdone by a slaving elf, the Breton orders a pint of the tavern's finest Shornhelm Ale.

The Bosmer simply smiled and ate his companions, having drank themselves into a stupor.


Bosmer make terrible drinking buddies.

Treachery

What do you call a Khajiit sex offender?

A purrvert.

nudel

AngryNord wrote: »

An Argonian officer, a Dunmer officer and a Nord officer were arguing who's military was the mightiest.
"If we command all our troops to stand in line," said the Argonian, "they could completely circle the Imperial City's walls, on their own."
"Bah," said the Dunmer. "If all our troops were commanded to stand in line, they could completely circle all of Cyrodiil, on their own!"
"Well," said the Nord. "If a Nord got his wee-wee to stand, he'd be able to make three seagulls stand wingtip-to-wingtip, and cover its entire length!!"
Of course, none of the three really believed the other, and the Dunmer was the first to back down.
"Well, of course," he said. "There wouldn't be a complete row of soldiers all along the Cyrodiil border, there'd be lots of gaps"
"Yeah," the Argonian said, "there would naturally be quite a few gaps if our soldiers were to line the walls of the Imperial City too"
"Well," said the Nord, "I'll have to admit, that three seagulls wouldn't have the required wingspan to completely cover the length of a Nord's wee-wee either"

Am I the only one slightly disturbed that he called it a "wee-wee"?

AngryNord

nudel wrote: »

AngryNord wrote: »

An Argonian officer, a Dunmer officer and a Nord officer were arguing who's military was the mightiest.
"If we command all our troops to stand in line," said the Argonian, "they could completely circle the Imperial City's walls, on their own."
"Bah," said the Dunmer. "If all our troops were commanded to stand in line, they could completely circle all of Cyrodiil, on their own!"
"Well," said the Nord. "If a Nord got his wee-wee to stand, he'd be able to make three seagulls stand wingtip-to-wingtip, and cover its entire length!!"
Of course, none of the three really believed the other, and the Dunmer was the first to back down.
"Well, of course," he said. "There wouldn't be a complete row of soldiers all along the Cyrodiil border, there'd be lots of gaps"
"Yeah," the Argonian said, "there would naturally be quite a few gaps if our soldiers were to line the walls of the Imperial City too"
"Well," said the Nord, "I'll have to admit, that three seagulls wouldn't have the required wingspan to completely cover the length of a Nord's wee-wee either"

Am I the only one slightly disturbed that he called it a "wee-wee"?

The original Version of the joke (between an American, a British and a Norwegian officer on excercise in North Norway) use a more "Direct" Expression, but I wouldn't want the post to get removed by the moderators :P

Sallakat

I was 95% sure when I saw this thread subject that this would be some sort of a "eso so bad, eeew" rant post was not disappointed.

edwardspruitb16_ESO

WTS L.Suarez bite

ThisOnePosts

LOL someone had to post this... with all the QQ (while I agree it's broken right now, it's still pretty damn funny --- even I as a Vamp can say this)

Metacon

So that ESO player walks into a skillbar...

AlexDougherty

People please, just jokes.
This is supposed to make people happy, if you want to make people miserable, then [snip] off.

[Moderator Note: Edited per our rules on Cursing & Profanity]