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ESO Joke of the Day
Food4Thought
✭✭✭
I'm curious how many people have Elder Scrolls or Elder Scrolls Online jokes and I want to hear them all. If you got a joke, please post. Whoever gets the most "LOL" wins!
I'll start.
An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.
The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"
The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."
I'll start.
An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.
The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"
The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."
-
Aett_Thorn✭✭✭✭✭
✭A skeever, a wolf, and a mudcrab are sitting in a bar after a long day.
The skeever says to the wolf, "Man, I am so tired of getting my butt kicked all day long by even low-level players. They just keep coming at me on the beach and killing me before I can even finish eating any of the ship's wreckage."
The wolf agrees, saying, "I know what you mean, skeever, I'm just chilling in the woods with my family, and adventurers are there all the time, and I have to watch as the slaughter my family every few minutes. It's horrible."
They both turn to the mudcrab, asking if he has been experiencing the same thing.
"No, guys, I've actually been the one slaughtering the adventurers."
"What?!?!", the skeever and the wolf ask, incredulous. "How on Tamriel are you able to do that?"
"Well," says the mudcrab, "I'm a VR7 mudcrab." -
milesrodneymcneely2_ESO✭✭✭✭✭"A pair of fair-haired Breton lasses decided to make a pilgrimage to the capitol of Cyrodiil."
"Near the end of the journey they happened upon a fork in the road with a sign that read: ~Imperial City Left~."
"Disheartened, they turned around and went home."Edited by milesrodneymcneely2_ESO on June 23, 2014 5:13PM -
Arsenic_Touch✭✭✭✭✭
✭
Communication.
Oh, different kind of joke... Hm. I'll have to get back to you.Edited by Arsenic_Touch on June 23, 2014 5:02PM☠ Is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured? ☠
╔═════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ══════════════╗
"Hope can drown lost in thunderous sound."
"Fear can claim what little faith remains."
"Death will take those who fight alone."
"But united we can break a fate once set in stone."
╚═════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ══════════════╝
NA // Ebonheart Pact // Leader of CORE Legion // Namira Beta Tester // VR11 NB -
Shunravi✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭milesrodneymcneely2_ESO wrote: »"A pair of fair-haired Bosmer lasses decided to make a pilgrimage to the capitol of Cyrodiil."
"Near the end of the journey they happened upon a fork in the road with a sign that read: ~Imperial City Left~."
"Disheartened, they turned around and went home."
Lol. Guess what bosmer cities do.they migrateEdited by Shunravi on June 23, 2014 5:10PMThis one has an eloquent and well thought out response to tha... Ooh sweetroll! -
kaosodin✭✭✭✭Arsenic_Touch wrote: »
Communication.
Oh, different kind of joke... Hm. I'll have to get back to you.
Pffft
-
Tannakaobi✭✭✭✭✭Did you hear the one about the pretty Bosmer girl who went on a fishing trip with six Nords with beards?
She came home with a red snapper. -
Jaxom✭✭✭✭Tannakaobi wrote: »Did you hear the one about the pretty Bosmer girl who went on a fishing trip with six Nords with beards?
She came home with a red snapper.
We have a winner!!! -
daneyulebub17_ESO✭✭✭✭✭
✭Why did the Bosmer fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
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TheBucket✭✭✭✭Ragnar_Lodbrok wrote: »My ESO joke: Play your way.
You should just write a bookWilliam Reignes
Magic Nightblade - Rogue Bomber
Creator of Thirsty Thief Build (Retired 1.5) -
Bhakura✭✭✭✭Grand scale war in Cyrodill is a bit of a stalemate as no faction wins ground on the other, and so they entrench themselves. Eagerly to be the first to break the stalemate one clever Ebonheart pact soldier tells his captain:
"Captain, Daggerfall soldiers like sweetrolls the most"
The captain shrugs, nothing much else to do and shouts towards the Daggerfall frontline:
"SWEETROOOOLLS"
A bunch of DC soldiers stick their heads up, hungry and bored as they are and immediately get shot in the face. The captain tries it a few more times with more casualties on the DC front as a result. With empty eyes the DC captain sees this happening and a clever DC soldiers runs up to him:
"Captain, EP soldiers like ale alot, lots of nords"
The captain nods and shouts towards the EP frontline:
"AAALLLEEEEE"
Thirsty and bored as all nords always are stick their heads up and immediately get shot in the face.
A bit shocked the EP captain says to his soldier:
"DC to smart, what you got on AD?"
"Lots of Khajit there, they known for their skooma abuse."
And so the captain turns towards the AD frontline:
"SKOOOOMAAAAAAA"
...
No response
"Didnt they hear me?"
"SKKKOOOOOOOOMMMMMAAAAAAAA !!"
"AAAAALLLLLEEEEE"
And the EP captain sticks his head out.You know what the chain of command is?
Its the chain ill beat you with until you realize who's in command here. -
Surinen✭✭✭this one of mine is pretty old but it always gives me a healthy dose of chuckle and grin.
What do you call a nord girl impaled and set on fire?
The Little Match GirlEdited by Surinen on June 23, 2014 6:48PMMissing Altmer hair colour: black: http://forums.elderscrollsonline.com/discussion/110900/altmer-missing-hair-colour#latest -
Food4Thought wrote: »I'm curious how many people have Elder Scrolls or Elder Scrolls Online jokes and I want to hear them all. If you got a joke, please post. Whoever gets the most "LOL" wins!
I'll start.
An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.
The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"
The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."
Isn't this some sort of variation from a joke in WoW? I believe the humans said it with /joke.
-
PSLAnimal✭✭✭✭Bjorn and Lars were working for the Windhelm city public works department in Eastmarch. Bjorn would dig a hole and Lars would follow behind and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked Bjorn, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two Nords are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
Bjorn, the hole digger, wiped his brow and sighed, 'Vell, I suppose it probably looks odd because ve're normally a three-person team. But today Sven, who plants da trees, he called in sick.'Edited by PSLAnimal on June 23, 2014 6:56PMAnimal (Ask me what the PSL stands for. Go on. Ask.)
@PSLAnimal on the NA Megaserver
Making people wonder just what the hell is wrong with me since 1961. -
rayeab16_ESO✭✭✭i have one or two. they are old, and much used, but still loved.
how many Nords does it take to change a lantern?
six.
one to hold the lantern and the other five to drink till the room spins.
how many Dunmer does it take to change a lantern?
just the one....but in the great old days, hundreds of slaves would change thousands of lanterns, at our every whim!
how many Altmer does it take to change a lantern?
none. the humans burned the lantern out, let THEM change it!
(if you recognise where the second one comes from *hands out cookies and meatballs)
(( and yes, they are lightbulb jokes lol)) -
Food4Thought✭✭✭jamespetchonka821b14_ESO wrote: »Food4Thought wrote: »I'm curious how many people have Elder Scrolls or Elder Scrolls Online jokes and I want to hear them all. If you got a joke, please post. Whoever gets the most "LOL" wins!
I'll start.
An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.
The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"
The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."
Isn't this some sort of variation from a joke in WoW? I believe the humans said it with /joke.
It is. LOL! I never said it had to a joke you personally made up! -
stabbykitteh✭✭✭✭
I read this in Londo's voicerayeab16_ESO wrote: »how many Dunmer does it take to change a lantern?
just the one....but in the great old days, hundreds of slaves would change thousands of lanterns, at our every whim!
Edited by stabbykitteh on June 23, 2014 8:06PM -
Food4Thought✭✭✭An Dumner, a Redguard, and a Nord are prisoners of war in Cyridiil and they attempt to escape. They are recaptured and brought before the Dominion Captain for punishment.
"You know the rules, " the captain said. "Any attempts at escape will be dealt with harshly. You each will receive 20 lashes on your back. But I am not a cruel person and I need you all to continue to work in the camp. So I will allow each of you your choice of one thing to put on your back to ease the pain."
The captain walks up to the Redguard and says, "what do you want on your back?"
The Redguard looks with disdain at the captain and yells, "water".
The captain splashes cold water on the Redguard's back and orders his punishment. The Redguard does not even flinch. He walks away as if nothing happened.
The captain then walks to the Nord and asks the same question. The Nord responds, "Oil". And the captain splashes oil on his back and orders his punishment. The Nord howls in pain and all but passes out from the beating.
The captain finally walks to the Dumner and asks, "What do you want on your back"?
The Dumner looks around for a minute and says, "The Redguard".
Edited by Food4Thought on June 30, 2014 10:01AM -
AlexDougherty✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭rayeab16_ESO wrote: »how many Dunmer does it take to change a lantern?
just the one....but in the great old days, hundreds of slaves would change thousands of lanterns, at our every whim!
I miss Babylon 5, even if it hasn't aged well.stabbykitteh wrote: »I read this in Londo's voiceEdited by AlexDougherty on June 23, 2014 8:31PMPeople believe what they either want to be true or what they are afraid is true!
Wizard's first rule
Passion rules reason
Wizard's third rule
Mind what people Do, not what they say, for actions betray a lie.
Wizard's fifth rule
Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self
Wizard's tenth rule -
kirnmalidus✭✭✭✭Bjorn and Lars were working for the Windhelm city public works department in Eastmarch. Bjorn would dig a hole and Lars would follow behind and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked Bjorn, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two Nords are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
Bjorn, the hole digger, wiped his brow and sighed, 'Vell, I suppose it probably looks odd because ve're normally a three-person team. But today Sven, who plants da trees, he called in sick.'
Ollie & Lena jokes converted to ESO FTW.Life of a Nightblade (Screenshot Tumblr)
“Attention Zenimax: Stamina builds don't hold up to magicka builds, and this is causing most of your class imbalance. It makes melee weapons and bows weaker than staves and class abilities. It makes medium and heavy armor less desirable than light armor. Fix this imbalance, and you'll address most of your balance issues.”
- @ruze84b14_ESO -
Pele✭✭✭✭✭
If I could vote LOL more than once, I would. Win!Aett_Thorn wrote: »A skeever, a wolf, and a mudcrab are sitting in a bar after a long day.
The skeever says to the wolf, "Man, I am so tired of getting my butt kicked all day long by even low-level players. They just keep coming at me on the beach and killing me before I can even finish eating any of the ship's wreckage."
The wolf agrees, saying, "I know what you mean, skeever, I'm just chilling in the woods with my family, and adventurers are there all the time, and I have to watch as the slaughter my family every few minutes. It's horrible."
They both turn to the mudcrab, asking if he has been experiencing the same thing.
"No, guys, I've actually been the one slaughtering the adventurers."
"What?!?!", the skeever and the wolf ask, incredulous. "How on Tamriel are you able to do that?"
"Well," says the mudcrab, "I'm a VR7 mudcrab."
-
Dayv✭✭✭✭jamespetchonka821b14_ESO wrote: »Food4Thought wrote: »I'm curious how many people have Elder Scrolls or Elder Scrolls Online jokes and I want to hear them all. If you got a joke, please post. Whoever gets the most "LOL" wins!
I'll start.
An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.
The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"
The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."
Isn't this some sort of variation from a joke in WoW? I believe the humans said it with /joke.
It's a variation of a very racist joke attributed to Bernard Manning. It certainly predated WoW.
