ESO Joke of the Day

AngryNord

A Nord was lying on his deathbed. A priest was called in to give him his last sermon. The first thing the priest noticed, was a nearly empty bottle of mead beside the bed. The priest lifted up the bottle, and said, "really, Harald, is this all you've got to comfort yourself with at the very end of life?"
"No, priest, don't worry - there's an unopened bottle in the drawer!"

gorant1313ub17_ESO

"Patches"

I win.

Elirienne

Since we are culling non joke posts, how about the one above me? @ZOS_UlyssesW ?

Aeradon

Sai Sahan left for Valley of the Blades one Fredas noon. But, being Fredas, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend drinking with the boys and spending all the gold pieces saved up for Lyris' birthday present.

When he finally appeared at home, Sundas night, he was confronted by a very angry Nord and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally Titanborn stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Morndas went by and he didn't see his Snow Lily. Tirdas and Middas came and went with the same results. Come Turdas, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Affrayer

A khajiit takes a cute bosmer girl home from a tavern one night. She says, "Show me it's true what they say about khajiit men." So he stabs her and steals her coin purse.

Jonplummer99b14_ESO

I used to be able to tell a lot of ESO jokes but then I took an arrow to the knee.

OK here goes:

What's the difference between love and a Cyrodil campaign?

Cyrodil campaigns go on forever

kip_silverwolf

This is by far my favorite thread! I'm loving these!
Please keep them coming!

Swordguy

A khajiit stuntcat is traveling throughout Tamriel, gathering large crowds wherever he goes as he scales nearby mountains, tall buildings and cliffs to jump off, only to land at the bottom unscathed. No one has ever figured out his secret, and few have tried to copy him; those who have are all dead. He always insists the crowds not gather too close, and because of this, no one can see his landings up close.

outside winterhold, the Great Khajiit stuntcat stands at the top of the mountain, overlooking the great expanse of the frozen wasteland, and the tall buildings of the city below. He reaches into his pocket, and brings forth a bottle, its cork partly chipped off. With a deep breath and a loud exhale, the Great Stuntcat leaps off the edge of the tallest mountain cliff, spreading his arms and legs to catch the wind, and pull him away from the mountain and towards the far away crowd.

Below, 2 Nords standing near each other look up, watching the dot in the sky fall towards them. The Nord on the left says, "Skooma really tastes terrible. I switched that Cats' Skooma for some bottom shelf mead, but now I feel really funny."

The Nord on the right turns to his friend and then reels back in horror and exclaims, "Talos be damned, you're a ghost!"

gorant1313ub17_ESO

What do you call the sport of Cyrodiil after the patch!?

Mo-Lag Ball!

Woolenthreads

Food4Thought wrote: »

Actually, had you bother to read the jokes posted on the first page. You would have noticed I responded to that ... on the first page.

@Food4Thought
Perhaps you need to attribute the original source for them, in the first comment with the joke in it, so they know it didn't actually come from WoW.

tordr86b16_ESO

I used to be an adventuring Vampire, but then I took an silver bolt in the knee.

Asava

ESO's joke for today, "We have a QA department."

Zxaxz

We, patched the game. Here are the patch notes. :P

Blackhorne

kirnmalidus wrote: »

Ollie & Lena jokes converted to ESO FTW.

Well, if that's your flavor, how about one "borrowed" from my favorite cowtown puppet show* (although I'd heard it in another form before then, but I was too young to remember whence) :

Sven and Olaf are down on the docks in Riften.
"Hey Sven," says Olaf, "How long do you think this pier is?"
"Dunno, Olaf," says Sven, "Let me count the boards..."
"Okay, " says Olaf, "And I'll count the slits."

And so they walk down the pier, counting boards and slits.

Sven: 1...
Olaf: ...1
Sven: 2...
Olaf: ...2
....
Sven: 23...
Olaf: ...23
Sven: 24...
Olaf: ..twenty-waaagh! (falls off the pier)

"Ah-hah!" says Sven. "I see now: when you're out of slits, you're out of pier!"

*One thousand internets to you if you know the show.

seaef

Q: How many ESO haters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much better it was in the days of UO.

cisadanepajsuxrwb17_ESO

I laugh so hard everytime I fire up ESO. The game is a total joke!

AngryNord

Q: How many ESO fanbois does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They refuse to acknowledge that the bulb is blown, and anyone pointing it out to them is just a hater and immideately ignored.

Aeradon

Alternate Reality: After successfully crowning Varen, Sai and Lyris have a little boy named Siris. They were living happily ever after. (Siris pronounced as sai-ris)

One day little Siris was out squashing torch bugs when he saw his father's horse galloped into the woods. Curious, he followed the trail and saw Daddy and Aunt Kasura in a passionate embrace. Little Siris was so excited that he ran home and tell the story to his mother.

"Mommy! Mommy! I was squashing torch bugs and I saw Daddy's horse went into the woods with Aunt Kasura. So I followed him and I saw Daddy giving Aunt Kasura a big kiss! Then he helped Aunt Kasura take her shirt off, and Aunt Kasura helped him take his pants off, and then Aunt Kasura.."

At this point Lyris cut him off. "Siris, this is such an interesting story. Why don't you save the rest of it for supper time? I'm sure Daddy would be glad to hear it too."

At the dinner table, Lyris asked Little Siris to tell his story. Little Siris gladly obliged: "I was squashing torch bugs and I saw Daddy's horse went into the woods with Aunt Kasura. So I followed him and I saw Daddy giving Aunt Kasura a big kiss! Then he helped Aunt Kasura take her shirt off, and Aunt Kasura helped him take his pants off, and then Aunt Kasura and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Varen used to do when Daddy was in Cyrodiil."

Sturmwaffel

There are two kinds of people:

• Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information.

Aeradon

TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO COME TO THIS THREAD AND SAY ESO IS A JOKE

A wise Khajiit stood in the trade district and told a funny story.

Everybody laughed like crazy.

He told the same story again.

This time, less people laughed.

He told the same story again and again.

When there is no laughter in the crowd,

He smiled and said,

"You can't laugh at the same joke over and over again. Why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again?"

Seriously, bring your constructive complains to the spotlight if you have any, this is not the thread for that. If you believe it's not going to get fixed, take your money elsweyr.

Brizz

A 3rd grade class came in from recess. The teacher sat them all down and said, "Ok kids! It's time to play a spelling game. I'll ask you to spell a word, and if you get it right, you get a cookie!"

The teacher looks towards Joey, the High Elf child, "Joey, What did you do for recess?"

"I played in the sand box with Mary," Said Joey the high elf.

"Ok Joey, spell 'Box'"

"B. O. X."

"CORRECT! Here's your cookie." The teacher then looks towards Mary, the little Breton girl, "Mary, what did you do for recess?"

"I played with Joey in the sand box," Said Mary the Breton.

"Ok Mary, spell 'Sand'"

"S. A. N. D."

"CORRECT! Here's your cookie." The teacher then looks at Karack, the young... but large orc child, "Karack, what did you do for recess?"

"I tried to play with Joey and Mary in the sand box, but they just threw rocks at me..."

"Oh no Karack, that sounds like racial discrimination... Now spell 'Racial discrimination' - and you get a cookie"

Brizz

An orc and a redguard are walking in the park. The redguard says, "Awww, look it's a dead bird."

The orc looks up and says, "Where?!"

Elirienne

Aeradon wrote: »

TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO COME TO THIS THREAD AND SAY ESO IS A JOKE

A wise Khajiit stood in the trade district and told a funny story.

Everybody laughed like crazy.

He told the same story again.

This time, less people laughed.

He told the same story again and again.

When there is no laughter in the crowd,

He smiled and said,

"You can't laugh at the same joke over and over again. Why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again?"

Seriously, bring your constructive complains to the spotlight if you have any, this is not the thread for that. If you believe it's not going to get fixed, take your money elsweyr.

This.

Dayv

So this guy meets his friend and says "I've been away a while and not able to play ESO, but I've been really looking forward to patch 1.2.3. Is it as good as they promised?"

The other guy replies," well I've got some good news and some bad news "

" Oh hell, give me the bad news first. "

"well all your abilities have been nerfed, your armour sets have been broken, lag is worse than ever, lootables are full of junk weapons that serve no purpose and there a whole massive list of other bugs that I'm not even going to get started on"

"Oh no! This sounds like a total disaster. You'd better give me the good news. "

"The good news is, you can have my stuff."

Aett_Thorn

A Nord was standing in the woods, wondering why an arrow seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. And then it hit him.

AngryNord

Aett_Thorn wrote: »

A Nord was standing in the woods, wondering why an arrow seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. And then it hit him.

Nah, can't have been a Nord, sounds more like an Orc :-P

Aett_Thorn

AngryNord wrote: »

Aett_Thorn wrote: »

A Nord was standing in the woods, wondering why an arrow seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. And then it hit him.

Nah, can't have been a Nord, sounds more like an Orc :-P

Was going to go Orc, but then the prevailing theory in this thread is that Nords are the dumber race.

Aeradon

Aett_Thorn wrote: »

AngryNord wrote: »

Aett_Thorn wrote: »

A Nord was standing in the woods, wondering why an arrow seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. And then it hit him.

Nah, can't have been a Nord, sounds more like an Orc :-P

Was going to go Orc, but then the prevailing theory in this thread is that Nords are the dumber race.

I didn't pick Nord because they were dumber though, just happens that mammoths and trolls are from Skyrim. LOL. It's prevailing cause the Nord brothers made it so.

Food4Thought

kip_silverwolf wrote: »

This is by far my favorite thread! I'm loving these!
Please keep them coming!

It is indeed doing much better than I had hope. A number of people actually appear to be reading through all of the pages.

Food4Thought

We never knew the Khajiit was a drunk ... until he showed up to work one day sober.