ESO Joke of the Day

kherzaheb17_ESO · June 2014

-Tamriel citizen : Hey , get him , it is a thief.
-Guard : he is just a Khajit!

Metacon · June 2014

Two bosmers eat a clown.
Says one of them: "That one tastes funny."

AngryNord · June 2014

A Bosmer once was late for dinner.
He was given a could shoulder.

Aureli · June 2014

Aeradon wrote: »

*snip*

Nice conversion of the old hell joke. That was good.

AngryNord · June 2014

What do you call a Nord without a beard?

Woman

cigarsmoker · June 2014

Aett_Thorn wrote: »

Two wolves and a bear are talking in the woods outside of an Altmer city. One wolf says, "I wonder what it's like in the city there. Every time we get close, the guards or some adventurer attacks us."

"Oh, it's wonderful," says the bear, "full of beautiful buildings and some great artwork."

The wolves are stunned. "How did you get in to see the city?"

"Oh, it's easy for me," responded the bear. "I just stand on my back legs, tell the guard I'm a Nord, and he will point me towards the nearest tavern."

loved this one.

cigarsmoker · June 2014

I need a groan button to go with the lol button

AlexDougherty · June 2014

cigarsmoker wrote: »

I need a groan button to go with the lol button

I think a groan button would be subject to too many bad jokes, like "I got groan strain".

AlexDougherty · June 2014

Why did the Guar cross the Road??

to prove he wasn't chicken

Sorry about that one folks

AlexDougherty · June 2014

Two Orcs Ghorbash and Burz, meet up in a tavern, having not seen each other for three months.

Ghorbash asks Burz how he got two black eyes, to which Burz replies "well I was working for this Dunmer Count, and had to attend the weekly sermons by the priest of Tribunal." To which Ghorbash replies " yeah but how did that give you the black eyes"

"Well" replies Burz "I was behind his wife, and noticed that her dress had crept up into her backside, so I quickly plucked it out. I found out she didn't like that, when she turned around and belted me in the right eye"

"Ah and her husband did the other one" said Ghorbash. "No, no" responded Burz "he was quite understanding, and advised me never to do it again". "so how did you bruise the other eye then" demands Ghorbash.

"well the following week, I was behind her and her husband again" starts Burz "and the Argonian next to me pulled her dress out of the crack in her backside, now knowing she doesn't like that I quickly jammed it back in"

zgrssd · June 2014

Chuck Norris Jokes. I just realised we might be able to do them by replacing "Chuck Norris" with "the nameless hero". I mean those guys actualyl defeat Deadra and Living gods left and right on a daily basis.

The namless hero counted all the way to inifinity - twice.

Tests have shown that the force of a single shourt by the nameless dragonborn is bigger then the force of a lightning bolt. Or Volcano Erruption.

The nameless dragonborn once shouted soo loud, that the sheer force caused a disruption in space and it hit Molag Bal in the face a thousand years earlier, resultin in his defeat during the whole planemeld.

The namless hero does not read books. He just hits them once with his
index finger and the universe instantly let's him knows everything there is to know about it's contents.

For the namless hero even the most comprehensive almanach about the deadric realms does not dare to be longer to read then 10 pages per book. If they would have to be bigger, they just split themself into multiple tomes.

The Nameless hero knows what you are going to say beforehand, so most of the time he does not bother to listen to what you have to tell and just skips to the end and helps you.

jimfopao2 · June 2014

Elder Scrolls Online.

Nuff said.

sylviermoone · June 2014

jimfopao2 wrote: »

Elder Scrolls Online.

Nuff said.

Boo. /throws rotten tomatoes

Kajoh_Americano · June 2014

What is low and enjoys killing you ?

Your FPS !
*badum-tsss*

If you're looking for me, I'm already out.

zgrssd · June 2014

jimfopao2 wrote: »

Elder Scrolls Online.

Nuff said.

Kajoh_Americano wrote: »

What is low and enjoys killing you ?

Your FPS !
*badum-tsss*

If you're looking for me, I'm already out.

The eternal Slapstick humor of people trying to repteadely run down a wall with thier face.
In this case the wall of ignorance as they try to derail the thread with "ESO bad" comments.

Maximis_ESO · June 2014

Food4Thought wrote: »

I'm curious how many people have Elder Scrolls or Elder Scrolls Online jokes and I want to hear them all. If you got a joke, please post. Whoever gets the most "LOL" wins!

I'll start.

An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.

The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"

The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."

Not sure if this was mentioned but that is a joke from World of Warcraft..... was it intentional that you switched the word Orsinium with Durotar?

cigarsmoker · June 2014

Kajoh_Americano wrote: »

What is low and enjoys killing you ?

Your FPS !
*badum-tsss*

If you're looking for me, I'm already out.

Lag kills, the joke of EVERY online game.

Aeradon · June 2014

Aureli wrote: »

Aeradon wrote: »

*snip*

Nice conversion of the old hell joke. That was good.

Here's another for you then

A young Breton boy wrote a letter to Zenithar.

Dear Zenithar,

I have finally forged my first blade! The blacksmith in my town agreed to buy my blade for 10 gold pieces! He told me that when he was seven years old just like me, he started his shop with just 50 gold pieces from a mysterious beggar. He also ask me to seek guidance from you.

Thank you for the 10 gold pieces! I will work harder to get my remaining 40 gold pieces!

Little Vinny

As the letter was passed to a friendly mail courier, the man decided that the closest thing to a Divine was the High King. Hence he handed it to the guards along with the castle's delivery. The mail was then presented to the High King. Amused by the child's young ambition to contribute to economy, Emeric wrote a note and commanded the house guard to deliver it along with 5 gold pieces.

Master Vinny. May your honest work be followed by worthy reward and pride.

Days later, another letter was directed to Zenithar and received by the High King.

Dear Zenithar,

Thank you for giving me the remaining gold pieces I need for my little shop! I will not disappoint you!

P.S. Please don't send gold pieces through the castle, those bad people in the castle took 35 gold pieces for themselves. Momma was right! Such greedy skeevers they are!

Little Vinny

AlienSlof · June 2014

Maximis_ESO wrote: »

Not sure if this was mentioned but that is a joke from World of Warcraft..... was it intentional that you switched the word Orsinium with Durotar?

This is an old, old joke, from waaaay before WoW even existed.

AlexDougherty · June 2014

Found this one in another thread.

kewl wrote: »

A Nord, a Breton and a Redguard are being imprisoned by Altmer, to be excecuted by Bosmer bowmen.

The Redguard thinks of a cunning plan and says, " Look, these Bosmer are country folk & very scared of natural disasters. So when you are taken put in place to be shot, just shout out some natural disaster and they will run for their trees, and you can escape". The Breton & Nord agree, this is a brilliant idea.

The Breton was first to be taken out. he was placed by a large tree, and just as the Bosmer take aim, he shouts "EARTHQUAKE!" And just as the Redguard said, the Bosmer run, terrified for their lives, and the Breton escapes.

When calm was restored, it was the Redguards turn, Very confident that his plan was a success he walked to the place by the tree, and just as the Bosmer took aim, he shouted "TSUNAMI!"

Just as before, the Bosmer flee for their lives and the redguard escapes.

The Nord was laughing into himself, as he watched and thinking "These country bumpkins are idiots".........

Just as before, after the chaos faded & order was restored, the last was led out towards the tree.

Just as the Bosmer took aim, he shout "FIRE!".

zgrssd · June 2014

Note:
For this one it is helpfull to understand the connection between Vivice and Mephala and thus how Vivec has aspects of her.
Also asume a Multi-family house, multi-storey inn or the like.

Now the actuall joke:
When a Dunmer dies, he can chosse by wich Tribunal Members teachings he wants to be judged for entering the afterlife.

A Dunmer died and choose to be judged according to Almalexias teachings. So he explains:
"I was old and I always suspected my young wife was cheating on me. This time I managed to come home early and find her alone in bed. She denied everything, but when I look out of the window I saw a young dunmer only wearing undergarments climb down the house under our window."
"In my anger I created a portal under my wifes wardrobe and placed the counter point over him. But our healer had warned me against too much stress and especially casting in my age. From the combined strain I died." (heart attack in the original)
He is told: "You felt rigtheous fury about her abandoning her vows. You may enter the afterlife."

The next dunmer chooses to be judged by the teachnings of Sotha Sil.
"Sotha Sil teaches that only a a sound body can house a sound mind. During my morning exercise I stumbeled and fell out of the open window, wearning nothing but my undergarments ."
"Luckily I managed to grab hold of the ledge. I started to climb down when I heard a argument of the coulpe living above me. When I look up I suddenly see a portal above my head and the next thing I know a wardrobe comes crashing down on me. Now I am here".
He too is allowed to pass.

The next dunmer chooses to be judged according to Vivecs teachings, especially his aspects as Anticiaption of Mephala.
"I just had spend a nice night with that married woman when her husband comes home early. So I quickly hide in her wardrobe..."

arena25 · June 2014

Bosmer: Spider!
Spider: No wait! Spiders eat insects!
Bosmer: Insect eater! <Kills spider>

catpower · June 2014

Sheogorath walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped head to toe in nothing but cellophane.

The psychiatrist looks up and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

Lord_Draevan · June 2014

Conversion of an old Lord of the Rings joke from wwwaaayyy back in the day:

A Dominion army is marching off to battle when they pass Blue Road Keep. They hear a shout from within:

"One Pact soldier is worth ten Dominion soldiers!"

Enraged, the Dominion general immediately sends his ten best over the wall. There's the sound of an intense battle, then silence. Then from the keep:

"One Pact soldier is worth a hundred Dominion soldiers!"

The Dominion general sends a hundred more troops over the wall. Again there's the sounds of a fierce battle, then silence. Someone within laughs and cries out:

"One Pact soldier is worth a thousand Dominion soldiers!"

Infuriated, the general sends in all his remaining troops, leaving only himself outside. After several minutes, a single wounded Dominion soldier comes crawling out. The Dominion general runs over to him and asks:

"By the Eight, what happened in there?"

The soldier utters with his dying breath:

"It...was a trap... there were... TWO of them!"

AlexDougherty · July 2014

A Khajit, a Breton and A Nord are sitting around a table regarding a half drunk tankard of mead.

"This one thinks the tankard is half empty" says the Khajit gloomily.

"No,No, you're looking at it all wrong" says the Breton optimistically "It's half full"

The Nord stands up drawing his Dagger "Look, I don't give a damn about that philosophy rot. Just tell me which one of you sods has been drinking my mead"

Snowballer23 · July 2014

Nord: "With patch 1.2.4 zos fixed fps drop and cyrodiil issues!"
Dunmer: "Really?"
Breton:

zgrssd · July 2014

AlexDougherty wrote: »

A Khajit, a Breton and A Nord are sitting around a table regarding a half drunk tankard of mead.

"This one thinks the tankard is half empty" says the Khajit gloomily.

"No,No, you're looking at it all wrong" says the Breton optimistically "It's half full"

The Nord stands up drawing his Dagger "Look, I don't give a damn about that philosophy rot. Just tell me which one of you sods has been drinking my mead"

Reminds me of something:
The realist says: "The tankard is half full".
The Optimist says: "Not for long!"

Also there has been a bit ofa cross reference between a Star Wars parody (Darth and Droids; "what if" Star Wars EP 1-6 has been a P&P RPG game?) and Elder Scrolls. I thought I might link it:
http://www.darthsanddroids.net/episodes/1060.html

Luke: So who knew that Vader was my father?
{beat}
Luke: Okay, so who didn't know?
Yoda: Well we all figured Vader was Anakin, but we didn't know for sure. Except maybe Annie.
Luke: And you all kept it secret from me? And week after week we sat here around this table and you just kept it all to yourselves?
{beat}
Luke: That is so cool!
GM: Glad you liked it. I set up a few things before you joined the game. There are a few surprises left!
Yoda: Really? Oh.
GM: Really, yah.
Luke: Awesome.
R2-D2: Yes, the future is crowded with secrets.
Luke: Oh, like you've got secrets.
R2-D2: I could tell you about the Rusty Aargonarian Maid...

cigarsmoker · July 2014

zgrssd wrote: »

AlexDougherty wrote: »

A Khajit, a Breton and A Nord are sitting around a table regarding a half drunk tankard of mead.

"This one thinks the tankard is half empty" says the Khajit gloomily.

"No,No, you're looking at it all wrong" says the Breton optimistically "It's half full"

The Nord stands up drawing his Dagger "Look, I don't give a damn about that philosophy rot. Just tell me which one of you sods has been drinking my mead"

Reminds me of something:
The realist says: "The tankard is half full".
The Optimist says: "Not for long!"

[/quote]

No, no. The realist would drink the mug.

THEN say it was empty.

cigarsmoker · July 2014

... or is that the opportunist?

Food4Thought · July 2014

Ancient Khajiit proverb.

Women will not help unknown men, but men will go out of their way to help unknown women.