ESO Joke of the Day

cigarsmoker

A couple of Bosmer are eating a Court Jester.
The first turns to the second and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Allyah

It's really hard to have jokes as original as these:

Funny nobody has said this yet...

ESO IS the joke of the day.

Templar! Only I'm not laughing!

ESO! Best joke ever.

ZOS

Found the best joke of the day.

http://forums.elderscrollsonline.com/discussion/113725/urgent-hotfix-required/p6

Not an exploit. HA!

"Patches"

I win.

ESO's joke for today, "We have a QA department."

We, patched the game. Here are the patch notes. :P

I laugh so hard everytime I fire up ESO. The game is a total joke!

Here's an ESO joke for ya:

Zenimax got their *** together and fixed the game without breaking new stuff every single patch.

I thought Patch 1.2.3 was the best joke...

ESO

With all the problems this game has and ZOS inability to properly fix anything, this game is turning into a joke.

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

ZOS QA and Testing Team

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Patch 1.2.3...get it....that's the joke...Patch 1.2.3

Elder Scrolls Online.

Nuff said.

Nord: "With patch 1.2.4 zos fixed fps drop and cyrodiil issues!"
Dunmer: "Really?"
Breton:

I've got the BEST ESO joke of the day!!!


This game.

Zenimax.........

ESO joke of the day?

We want to fix it For Real this time with a hotfix.

That's pretty funny eh?

Anyone else's stomach and face muscles sore from laughing at these?

Mr.Turtlesworth

Sir Cadwell: hello
Orc: pet my head mr. bumblebutt

I'm the best at these.

zdkazz

These are from the elder scrolls 2 daggerfall, some of the best out of thousands lol

1."This orchard has sentimental value to me," said Mojhad, the Khajiit, to his friend, Hasillid. "Under that tree, for example, is where I first made love. And that tree, is where her mother stood, watching us."
"She watched you while you made love to her daughter?" said Hasillid, clearly impressed. "Didn't she say anything?"
"Meow."

2.A Dark Elf man killed his wife after catching her making love with another man.
When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week."

3.During the War of Betony, the Bretons in the Isle of Craghold were under siege for several days. After the island was liberated, Lord Bridwell found the ruins of the castle where a crowd of survivors were hidden away in the dark. It was going to be a difficult job freeing them, as part of the roof had collapsed trapping them all within. Bridwell stuck his head in the only opening and shouted to the Bretons below: "Are there any expectant mothers down there?"
"It's hard to say, your Lordship," said a young woman. "We've only been down here for a few days."

XquixoticalX

What do you call a female Bosmer who's into leather and bondage?

A dominionatrix.

LariahHunding

Late on the thread, so this may be a repeat:

What's black and blue and red all over?

That Redguard that [snip] me off.

[Moderator Note: Edited per our rules on Cursing & Profanity]

kingnerevar

So a Breton, a Redguard, and an Orc are escorting a large group of younger Breton ladies through a dangerous and well known Ebonheart hot spot. Suddenly the Orc notices a seeming unbeatable group of Dumner approaching from all sides effectively cutting them off in all directions. The Breton quickly looks through his gear and finds he only has three soul gems remaining. He quietly tells the others of his plan to resurrect themselves after the slaughter and the enemy has left the area. Well this doesn’t sit well with the Orc, so he asks what they are going to do about all the young Breton ladies they are escorting. The Breton promptly replies "screw the girls" the Redguard, not fully understanding the context of this, abruptly replies "do you think we have time?"

zgrssd

Why are Bosmer men the best boyfriends?
Because they bring thier women breakfast to bed every day.

Knootewoot

I win, because i have the most funny joke in the world:

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Whiterun Wolfhound das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

isengrimb16_ESO

Knootewoot wrote: »

I win, because i have the most funny joke in the world:

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Whiterun Wolfhound das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

"Ich habe hier seit 400 Jahren gelebt und habe noch nie einen Geist gesehen."

I can't translate out the other quote for some reason.

zgrssd

Knootewoot wrote: »

I win, because i have the most funny joke in the world:

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Whiterun Wolfhound das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Neither I as a german nor google translates langauge detection has any idea what language that even is. Much less what it says.

Aeradon

There was a eccentric murderer in Cheydinhal who caught a Khajiit, an Altmer, an Imperial and a Breton. The Khajiit is rumoured to be the best trader across Tamriel, the Altmer is a famous diplomat, the Imperial is a brilliant tactician and the Breton is a bright young mage.

The murderer casts a spell so none of them could talk, he then buried 3 of them neck deep in a straight line facing a wall, and one of them behind the wall. He has done it with precision and order such that:-

The Breton is buried behind the wall, he could see nothing.
The Khajiit is the first in line, he could only see the wall.
The Altmer is the second in line, he could only see the Khajiit's head.
The Imperial is the third in line, he could only see the both the Khajiit's and Altmer's head.

The murderer then paints the back of their heads in the order of Black-White-Black-White (Breton-Khajiit-Altmer-Imperial). He then tells them that there is two blacks and two whites in the room, and they are to guess the colour painted at the back of their heads. Should anyone shouted a wrong guess, all of them are dead. And should anyone say anything other than the answer, all of them are dead. Should one of them answered correctly, all of them will be teleported back to their respective houses safe and sound. He then cast said curse on all of them, and undo the mute spell.

The murderer then left them to their own fates.

Three days later, when the murderer returned, a smirk was on his face, as the curse has been lifted.

One of them managed to give the correct answer with 100% certainty. Who? And how? Mention my tag when you answer, and I shall provide the correct answer after 5 guesses.

Tip: Just picture yourself in their positions and enjoy the process. (tip edited for fun)

This is not a joke, but I had great fun asking my friends. Hope you guys have fun with it too!

zgrssd

Aeradon wrote: »

There was a eccentric murderer in Cheydinhal who caught a Khajiit, an Altmer, an Imperial and a Breton. The Khajiit is rumoured to be the best trader across Tamriel, the Altmer is a famous diplomat, the Imperial is a brilliant tactician and the Breton is a bright young mage.

I would say the breton. Because either he use a clairvoyance spell to see te other three peoples heads.
Or since it was pitch black behind the wall he just guessed black and could not be wrong (because in the dark all colors are black)

Aeradon

zgrssd wrote: »

Aeradon wrote: »

There was a eccentric murderer in Cheydinhal who caught a Khajiit, an Altmer, an Imperial and a Breton. The Khajiit is rumoured to be the best trader across Tamriel, the Altmer is a famous diplomat, the Imperial is a brilliant tactician and the Breton is a bright young mage.

I would say the breton. Because either he use a clairvoyance spell to see te other three peoples heads.
Or since it was pitch black behind the wall he just guessed black and could not be wrong (because in the dark all colors are black)

Haha!! Nice guess! Nope! Should I include a tip in the post? But it will spoil the fun

XquixoticalX

@Aeradon‌ it's simple...

the Altmer calls out the correct answer. He knows that if his head is painted the same color as the Khajit's, then the Imperial have would known the answer and shouted it. Because the Imperial can see both in front of him, if they are both black he knows he is white, and the Breton beyond the wall is white as well. He would have called out if this were the case. So, because the Imperial stays silent, the Altmer knows that his head must be the opposite color from the Khajit's (which he can see as it is right in front of him.)

AngryNord

Aeradon wrote: »

One of them managed to give the correct answer with 100% certainty. Who? And how? Mention my tag when you answer, and I shall provide the correct answer after 5 guesses.

Tip: Just picture yourself in their positions and enjoy the process. (tip edited for fun)

This is not a joke, but I had great fun asking my friends. Hope you guys have fun with it too!

Imperial. He could see that the two other heads were one of each colour, and used his deduction to come to the conclusion they were painted alternatingly.

Aeradon

XquixoticalX wrote: »

@Aeradon‌ it's simple...

the Altmer calls out the correct answer. He knows that if his head is painted the same color as the Khajit's, then the Imperial have would known the answer and called it out. Because the Imperial can see both in front of him, if they are both black he knows he is white, and the Breton beyond the wall is white as well. He would have called out if this were the case. But because the Imperial stays silent, the Altmer knows that his head must be the opposite color from the Khajit's (which he can see as it is right in front of him.)

Cookie for you

@AngryNord‌ That was actually my first response to the question when I was asked. LOL.

Knootewoot

zgrssd wrote: »

Knootewoot wrote: »

I win, because i have the most funny joke in the world:

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Whiterun Wolfhound das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Neither I as a german nor google translates langauge detection has any idea what language that even is. Much less what it says.

Guess nobody saw Monthy Python's flying Circus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ienp4J3pW7U

isengrimb16_ESO

Knootewoot wrote: »

zgrssd wrote: »

Knootewoot wrote: »

I win, because i have the most funny joke in the world:

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Whiterun Wolfhound das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Neither I as a german nor google translates langauge detection has any idea what language that even is. Much less what it says.

Guess nobody saw Monthy Python's flying Circus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ienp4J3pW7U

DOH!

Mine was from someone's tagline I remember from about 20 years ago. It's supposed to read: "I have lived here for 400 years, and I've never seen a ghost".

Mondo

Perhaps but it doesnt even make sense

isengrimb16_ESO

Mondo wrote: »

Perhaps but it doesnt even make sense

It's Monty Python, it's not SUPPOSED to make sense.

Mondo

Im German i cant even understand what he is trying to say. I should watch flying circus again its quit a while since last time

isengrimb16_ESO

Mondo wrote: »

Im German i cant even understand what he is trying to say. I should watch flying circus again its quit a while since last time

Been a while for me, too, but yeah, I think they just used some pidgin German, because none of them speak it, and they figured the other anglophones watching them wouldn't speak it, either. Who knows. Or it's deliberately nonsensical, because Monty Python specialized in nonsense.

Do you remember the Hungarian-English translation dictionary?

"My hovercraft is full of eels!"

btw, did Google do a proper translation of mine? I really have no way to know, because I only understand a few words and have no knowledge of German grammar.

Heh. There's also this:


ACHTUNG!
ALLES TURISTEN UND NONTEKNISCHEN LOOKENPEEPERS!
DAS KOMPUTERMASCHINE IST NICHT FÜR DER GEFINGERPOKEN UND MITTENGRABEN! ODERWISE IST EASY TO SCHNAPPEN DER SPRINGENWERK, BLOWENFUSEN UND POPPENCORKEN MIT SPITZENSPARKEN.
IST NICHT FÜR GEWERKEN BEI DUMMKOPFEN. DER RUBBERNECKEN SIGHTSEEREN KEEPEN DAS COTTONPICKEN HÄNDER IN DAS POCKETS MUSS.
ZO RELAXEN UND WATSCHEN DER BLINKENLIGHTS.

Or something like that, I've seen several variants.

Mondo

Ok this makes very very very hardly sense, a little. I think its more meant to say many funny German/English-German Words

Edit:

MP is very different in German than it is in English

isengrimb16_ESO

Mondo wrote: »

Ok this makes very very very hardly sense, a little. I think its more meant to say many funny German/English-German Words

Edit:

MP is very different in German than it is in English

Probably. But it's an example of pidgin German; basically English dressed up to look like it, with a few valid German words thrown in.

Pidgin English is fun to cut through, too.

Daraugh

Blackhorne wrote: »

kirnmalidus wrote: »

Ollie & Lena jokes converted to ESO FTW.

Well, if that's your flavor, how about one "borrowed" from my favorite cowtown puppet show* (although I'd heard it in another form before then, but I was too young to remember whence) :

Sven and Olaf are down on the docks in Riften.
"Hey Sven," says Olaf, "How long do you think this pier is?"
"Dunno, Olaf," says Sven, "Let me count the boards..."
"Okay, " says Olaf, "And I'll count the slits."

And so they walk down the pier, counting boards and slits.

Sven: 1...
Olaf: ...1
Sven: 2...
Olaf: ...2
....
Sven: 23...
Olaf: ...23
Sven: 24...
Olaf: ..twenty-waaagh! (falls off the pier)

"Ah-hah!" says Sven. "I see now: when you're out of slits, you're out of pier!"

*One thousand internets to you if you know the show.

MST3K!! From the movie The Sword and the Dragon, a joke by Ingmar Bergman. I fell off the couch laughing so hard the first time I saw that episode

Aeradon

Lanark wrote: »

Blackhorne wrote: »

kirnmalidus wrote: »

Ollie & Lena jokes converted to ESO FTW.

Well, if that's your flavor, how about one "borrowed" from my favorite cowtown puppet show* (although I'd heard it in another form before then, but I was too young to remember whence) :

Sven and Olaf are down on the docks in Riften.
"Hey Sven," says Olaf, "How long do you think this pier is?"
"Dunno, Olaf," says Sven, "Let me count the boards..."
"Okay, " says Olaf, "And I'll count the slits."

And so they walk down the pier, counting boards and slits.

Sven: 1...
Olaf: ...1
Sven: 2...
Olaf: ...2
....
Sven: 23...
Olaf: ...23
Sven: 24...
Olaf: ..twenty-waaagh! (falls off the pier)

"Ah-hah!" says Sven. "I see now: when you're out of slits, you're out of pier!"

*One thousand internets to you if you know the show.

MST3K!! From the movie The Sword and the Dragon, a joke by Ingmar Bergman. I fell off the couch laughing so hard the first time I saw that episode

C'mon. We all know it's from Frozen!

zgrssd

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

"Ich habe hier seit 400 Jahren gelebt und habe noch nie einen Geist gesehen."

Is a valid translation of:

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

"I have lived here for 400 years, and I've never seen a ghost".

Wich oddly enough wold be a fitting one liner for ESO.
I mean half my questgivers are ghosts, talking skulls, crows or projections.

Tabbycat

Why did the Guar win an award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

isengrimb16_ESO

zgrssd wrote: »

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

"Ich habe hier seit 400 Jahren gelebt und habe noch nie einen Geist gesehen."

Is a valid translation of:

isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »

"I have lived here for 400 years, and I've never seen a ghost".

Wich oddly enough wold be a fitting one liner for ESO.
I mean half my questgivers are ghosts, talking skulls, crows or projections.

Hurray, now I have a sentence I can learn, and maybe glean some grammar from it, thank you.

And yeah, heh, it is kind of fitting, isn't it? It's just something that always gave me a giggle when I remembered it.