ESO Joke of the Day

Warraxx

Patch 1.3.3

Chubbaz

Cyrodil.

Ba dum tss.

Surliman

milesrodneymcneely2_ESO wrote: »

"A pair of fair-haired Breton lasses decided to make a pilgrimage to the capitol of Cyrodiil."

"Near the end of the journey they happened upon a fork in the road with a sign that read: ~Imperial City Left~."

"Disheartened, they turned around and went home."

LOL ...oh...this one was good.

Surliman

What do you call a scamp flying thru the air with a stick of dynamite up it's rear?

An orc hand grenade.

Brewdie

mikeymike2785b14_ESO wrote: »

What do you get when an Orc uses Extended Chains and pulls you into him and a group of his Orc buddies?

A Pulled Orc Sandwich

What do you get when you dump an Oil pot on an Orc and a Khajiit?

Orc Fried Rice and Orange chicken (It's made of Cat!)

LOL! I died!

Anu_Saukko_Tutkija

Once proud templar tank walked on cyrodiil forests, shouting " i have a 3000 points of healt! " then he saw nightblade..

Templar is no more

BaddLarry

An elderly female Drublog orc ambled into the treehouse of a well known Bosmer shamam.

"Good sir, I am in need of your assistance" she muttered.

"I'm here to serve." replied the shaman. "What seems to be the problem?"

"I've been having a weird problem for a couple of turns now" the old orc continued. "I constantly have to pass gas everyday, but there is no sound and no smell". "As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 10 times since I've been in your treehouse and even you haven't noticed."

The shaman said, "I see." he reached for a parchment of paper and wrote down a list of ingredients. "Gather some Nirnroot, some juice from a torchbug, some purified water, and bugloss. Mix it all together and drink it."

The elderly orc took the list, nodded in thanks and left.

A few days later she came back to the shaman's house looking far more distressed.

"Bosmer fool!" She shrieked. "I don't know what you did to me, but now when I pass gas it's still silent, but it smells like Molag Bal's outhouse. I've never smelled anything this foul in my life!"

The shaman said in as loud of voice he could muster. "Good, good...now that we've fixed your sense of smell, gather these ingredients so we can fix your hearing."

Michael308

A Bosmer, a Khajit and an Orc are at a bar, each mulling over a stiff drink at the end of a long week. Among the ususal smattering of gripes, the subject of true happiness comes up.

“Well that’s easy,” the Bosmer says. “You are perched on your tree in the still quiet of the forest when dawn’s first light begins to filter down through the leaves. You have a slab of fresh meat in your hand from your latest kill and you take that first, luscious, bloody bite. That my friend, is the moment of true happiness.”

“Pffft!” The Khajit spit out a small hairball, giving the Bosmer a dismissive wave. “You know nothing; this one will tell you the truth. The room is dark, the kitten curled in your arms is soft and warm and your brain is wrapped in the glow of moon sugar. This, my friend, is the moment of true happiness.”

The Orc looked at both of them with a dour frown and thumped his mug on the thick wooden table. “Bah!” He drew a deep breath and sighed. “You slave eighteen hours at the orsinium mine, then trudge home through knee-deep snow to a small cave you share with wife, nine little orcs and in-laws. You barely have time to pour one small horn of cheap mead when there is a knock at the cave door. You answer to see six members of the Imperial Brute Squad in heavy armor, toting shields and maces. The front one stares you in the eye and flashes a badge as he asks ‘Are you Grog Skullbasher?’ You look him square in the eye and say ‘Nope. He lives next cave down.’ THIS is the moment of true happiness.”

Armitas

Mannimarco walks into a bar dressed up as a sweetroll and asks for a plate of fishy sticks. The bar tender replies. "I'm sorry but we don't serve food here".

A Khajiit and an Argonian walk into a bar. The Nord ducked.

A Nord walks into a Khajiit and Dunmer bar, walks up to the Khajiit bar tender and asks for a drink. The bartender says the drink is free if you can tell me who in the bar is a dunmer. The Nord looks at the Khajiit, then a Dunmer, then back to a Khajiit and replies..."I don't know, they all look pretty dumb to me".

Flexar

An Altmer, a Nord and an Orc are on a ship that has been damaged by a storm and is sinking, but they are not too far away from shore.

So, the Altmer leaps from the boat and swims half the way to the shore, but drowns.

The Nord gets off the boat and swims three quarters of the way there, but also drowns.

The Orc swims half way to shore, and then back to the boat.

AngryNord

During a siege of the Imperial City, a Nord archer named Olaf noticed the Pact were taking heavy losses. He deviced a strategy to try and counter this, and went and asked his commander, "what's the most common name for an Imperial?"
The commander thought for a while, and answered, "Gaius, I think."
The Nord went up to the battlement, and shouted over to the Imperials, "Gaius, are you there?"
As quickly as one of them would raise his head above the battlement to answer, the Nord put an arrow between his eyes. This went on for quite a while.
Eventually, an Imperial archer thought he had figured out the Nords' strategy. He went over to his legatus, and asked: "Sir, do you know the most common name among the Nords?"
"Hmm... Olaf, I think," the legatus answered.
The Imperial went over to the battlement, and shouted, "Olaf!!! Are you there?"
The Nord archer heard it, and went over to the edge of the battlement, keeping his bow on the ready, he carefully shouted over, "Yes! Is that you, Gaius?"
As soon as the Imperial archer raised his head to answer, the Nord shot him.

Armitas

^ I got into so many closed parties with that strategy in college. Knock on the door. Say "Is Mike there?". Drunk door guard says "yeah there he is" and as soon as he gets pointed out you say "heey Miiike" and Drunk Mike thinks he knows you and waves back and you're in. Even got into one of the deans parties in a similar way.

Flexar

One day an Altmer is walking past a prison for Pact Soldiers and hears a group of Nords in the courtyard chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen!". Curious as to what the stupid Nords are on about, he goes over to peer through a gap in the fencing and gets poked in the eye with a stick. "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen!"

Pseudonym

Blessed Thistles are green,

Nirnroot is blue,

I'm bad at Alchemy,

Raise please.

Araflin

If you "Erect the spine of humour" one more time, I will insert the Fist of Thalmor.

yiasemi

Amalexia meets Vivec unexpectedly. Sotha-Sil learns.

Akatosh, lost his watch. Dibella a suspect.

A Bosmer, went through a portal and somehow ended up in a Thai tourist resort. Took him ten years to realise it was the wrong plane.

Molag Bal, against US pronunciation of vowels once Azura educated him.

Hermeus Mora, Materialised on a Greek island once. Took 30 centuries to regenerate.

Meridia. Not funny. Ever.

Mephala. You'd believe me?

Daedra. Barlow.

khele23eb17_ESO

A templar in heavy armor, carrying a 2-handed mace walks into a bar.

AngryNord

khele23eb17_ESO wrote: »

A templar in heavy armor, carrying a 2-handed mace walks into a bar.

My Templar does that all the time (except it is a two-handed axe instead of mace)

RoyMallis

A Nord , a Dunmer and an Orc walk into a bar.

The Nord says ouch, the Dunmer ducks and the Orc says quack.

SirAndy

RoyMallis wrote: »

A Nord , a Dunmer and an Orc walk into a bar

forums.elderscrollsonline.com/discussion/129593/eso-in-a-nutshell/p1

RoyMallis

SirAndy wrote: »

RoyMallis wrote: »

A Nord , a Dunmer and an Orc walk into a bar

forums.elderscrollsonline.com/discussion/129593/eso-in-a-nutshell/p1

I bit lol XD

PSLAnimal

Do you know why the new Akaviri Navy has glass bottoms in all their ships?

So they can see the old Akaviri Navy.

PSLAnimal

Two Orcs were marching a long dusty march across the Alik'r desert. It was a hot blistering day and the Orcs, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A Redguard rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the Orcs, "how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two leagues or so, I think," called back the Redguard. Another long hour dragged by, and another Redguard was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the Orcs asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two leagues."

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third Redguard. "Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two leagues."

"Well," sighed the optimistic Orc, "thank the Eight, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

ThisOnePosts

Person A: "Knock Knock"

Person B: "Who's there?"

Person A: "Orange"

Person B: "Uhh so old.. okay fine, Orange Who?"

Person A: "Orange you going to move your damn pets out of the way so I don't have to dodge roll out of the bank?"

woody92_ESO

How many Altmer does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb in the socket and the world revolves around him!

Blackhorne

Flexar wrote: »

An Altmer, a Nord and an Orc are on a ship that has been damaged by a storm and is sinking, but they are not too far away from shore.

So, the Altmer leaps from the boat and swims half the way to the shore, but drownsgets eaten by slaughterfish.

The Nord gets off the boat and swims three quarters of the way there, but also drownsgets eaten by slaughterfish.

The Orc swims half way to shore, and then back to the boat.

Now the joke is ESO-friendly and says something about the taste of Orcs.

Flexar

One day a Nord woman is sleeping with her lover. Her son sees her and so that he isn't caught he goes and hides in the closet. However, the woman hears her husband coming home so she hides her lover in the closet, not realising her son is already in there.
"It's dark in here." The son says.
"Yeah, it is." The lover replies.
"I have a training sword. Want to buy it?"
"Not really."
"My dad's out there."
"How much?"
"500 drakes."
Not wanting to be caught, the lover pays the child for his training sword and manages to get out of the house without being caught.

Later, the boy and his mother's lover end up in the closet together again.
"It's dark in here."
"Yeah, it is."
"I have a training shield."
"How much?"
"1000 drakes."
The lover coughs up the 1000 drakes, and manages to get away again without being caught.

Another few days later, and the boy's father comes up to him and tells him that he's going to take him outside and continue teaching him swordplay.
"I can't, I sold my training sword and shield to one of my friends." The son says.
"How much for?" The father asks.
"1500 drakes."
"By the Eight, that's terrible! It's dishonourable to extort money from your friends like that. As punishment, you're spending the night in the local tomb of Orkey."

So, the boy is left alone in the tomb at night with the priest of Orkey, and says "It's dark in here."
"Don't start that *** again, you're in my closet now."

gclifton58ub17_ESO

A Khajit walks into a tavern. He looks around at the patrons and says, "Ahm lookin' for the fellar who shot my Paw."

Aenra

Treachery wrote: »

What do you call a Khajiit sex offender?

A purrvert.

awesome, am stealing this one ^^

Valrien

How many Bosmer does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to pickpocket the the guy screwing it in while he's distracted.