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ESO Joke of the Day
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runagate✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭Q: How does Sheogorath bring madness to Cyrodiil?
A: Jyggalag
Jyggalag : Sheogorath :: Igglybuff : Jigglypuff
Overheard song of an ancient dwarven bard:
Q: Are we not Mer?
A: We are Dwemer1 -
Shaun98ca2✭✭✭✭✭Jyggalag is all about order and has brought much order to the PVP.
Good for him LOL.1 -
Silowyi✭✭✭rayeab16_ESO wrote: »i have one or two. they are old, and much used, but still loved.
how many Dunmer does it take to change a lantern?
just the one....but in the great old days, hundreds of slaves would change thousands of lanterns, at our every whim!
(( and yes, they are lightbulb jokes lol))
Wow, never thought an ESO board would remind me of Babylon 5.... yes dear I know where you stole that joke from and I'm going to email Peter Jurrasik (Londo Molari) and tell him!!!4 -
isengrimb16_ESO✭✭✭✭✭Before I write mine, I need to know what race is considered the stupidest. Not the most primitive, the stupidest. It's a rewrite of a "newfoundlander" joke my newfoundlander ex claims to have written. It's rather long, but it's very good.
2 -
Aeradon✭✭✭✭✭A travelling Nord merchant arrived in the trade district of Imperial City, with him is a large mammoth that carried no goods.
"You've seen mammoths stand on two legs! You've seen mammoths stand on one leg! But have you seen a mammoth jump?"
"Anyone who can make this Mammoth jump with 4 legs off the ground will win 1000 gold! Only 5 gold to test your luck!" shouted the merchant.
People flock around the merchant and the mammoth. Some tried to tickle the trunk, some tried to scare the mammoth with a rat, some had their bodies stomped to a pile of meat. The Nord has been enjoying himself, sacks full of gold and hands full of ale.
Two days later, a Khajiit came up to the Nord and offered him 5 gold for a try. The cat brought out his barbaric mace that resembles that of a giant and walked to the front of the mammoth. He waved the mace in front of the mammoth's eyes and proceed to the behind of the mammoth.
A swing of the mace between the mammoth's hind legs and the creature was up in the air. The Nord had no choice but to give all his earnings to the witty Khajiit.
The very next day, the Nord came up with another idea. He was sure that this time he will be able to return to Skyrim with his head held high. Nords could only be blacksmiths they say, I'll show them.
"You've seen a mammoth nod! You've seen a mammoth paint! Have you seen a mammoth shake his head sideways?"
"Anyone who could make this mammoth shake his head will be rewarded 1000 gold! Only 5 gold for a try!"
Even more people flocked around the merchant. Everyone thought it aaas an easier task, but it turns out the mammoth would only nod at the hardest try. The Nord was very certain that no mammoths could shake their heads, and was happily gulping his ale as the gold added up.
The witty Khajiit showed up again. The Nord laughed and took the Khajiit's gold, knowing his mammoth would never shake his head.
The Khajiit brought out his mace again, and waved it in front of the mammoth's eyes. He then asked, "Do you want this one to try again?"
The mammoth shook his head.Edited by Aeradon on June 24, 2014 8:28PMPeople keep telling me they're gonna buy me an ale. They never do.
There are only two things I can't stand in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's culture. And the Elves.
Help make this compilation complete!
Compilation of Ideas and Suggestions44 -
isengrimb16_ESO✭✭✭✭✭Nord it is, judging by the other jokes.
OK. So, a Nord who's down on his luck decides to go to Imperial City to see if he can get work there. After a couple of weeks of getting turned down, he resorts to panhandling outside of the city's fanciest hotel.
He's not having much luck with that, either, until a very rich Altmer pulls up in a fancy stretch-coach. As the Altmer gets out of the back, the Nord approaches and him says "Hey, uh, ya wouldn't happen to have a coin or two to spare, would you, b'ye?"
The Altmer looks at the Nord, and smiles. "Say, you're a Nord, aren't you? I'd know that accent anywhere. My wife and I have a little cottage just north of Falreath; we spend every summer there. We love it!"
He continues. "Look, I'll make you an offer. I'll ask you three questions, and if you can answer them, I'll give you a million gold pieces! How does that sound?"
The Nord, being no fool, accepts the challenge.
"All righty then", says the Altmer. "Here's the questions:
1. How many days of the week start with T?
2. How many seconds in a year?
3. How many D's in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?" (go with it)
The Nord whistles and says, "Uh, gee, those questions seem a bit tricky, and I wouldn't want to get them wrong by answering too quickly. Could .. could I have a bit of time with this?"
"Sure," replies the Altmer. "We'll meet back here tomorrow at the same time, and if you have the answers, you'll be a rich man!"
So the Nord spends the night thinking about the questions, and sure enough, the next day the Altmer is there, waiting.
"So, do you have the answers?"
"Sure do!"
"Ok, then, first question. How many days of the week start with 'T'?"
"Oh, that one was easy. Today and Tomorrow."
The Altmer started laughing. "OK, well, you're not really wrong, are you? Next question: How many seconds in a year?"
"Oh, that one was tricky, took me about an hour to figure it out," says the Nord. "The answer is 12."
"12?!" exclaims the Altmer. "How do you figure?"
The Nord says: "Well, there's the second of Morning Star, the second of Sun's Dawn, the second of First Seed ...."
The Altmer howls with laughter. Again, the Nord wasn't really wrong, so he waves it as acceptable. Once he calmed down enough to speak, he asks the third question: "How many D's in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?"
"Oh, my", sighs the Nord. "That was the one that had me up all night. Had to take my shoes and socks off, too. But I got the answer. Exactly 215."
"215!! How did you come up with that!?"
"Like this," says the Nord. "Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee ....." (to the tune of the song).
The Nord went home a rich man!
31 -
"Dunmer? Damn near killed 'er!!"Edited by mikeymike2785b14_ESO on June 24, 2014 8:49PM1 -
AlexDougherty✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭People believe what they either want to be true or what they are afraid is true!
Wizard's first rule
Passion rules reason
Wizard's third rule
Mind what people Do, not what they say, for actions betray a lie.
Wizard's fifth rule
Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self
Wizard's tenth rule8 -
Affrayer✭✭✭A day in the life of a Dunmer:
One fine evening, I was strolling down the road when I happened upon an Argonian holding an etched sword. A sudden bout of anger came over me. "By the Eight! That looks like mine!" So I ran back all the way home. Lo and behold, it was still there, shining my shoes.Pffffff37 -
Gremlis✭✭A high elf, dark elf and Nord enter a bar and sit down. The bar tender slides them all a mug of mead and there is a fly in each one. The high elf slides his mug away in disgust. The dark elf picks the fly out and takes a strong pull from the mug. The Nord grabs the fly and begins to squeeze it while yelling "give it back you little ***"!31
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Joke of the day for Tuesday: Releasing a 10GB patch with a launcher that's reporting 22 kB/s download speed.3
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seaef✭✭✭✭✭Did you hear about the old Argonian who couldn't keep his scales moist?
He had a reptile disfunction."The Illuminati are very achievement focused. It's like Xbox - only everything is hardcore."
- Kirsten Geary55 -
cigarsmoker✭✭✭rayeab16_ESO wrote: »how many Dunmer does it take to change a lantern?
just the one....but in the great old days, hundreds of slaves would change thousands of lanterns, at our every whim!
I get cookies and swedish meatballs, "Molari""900 years of Time and Space and I've never met anyone who was unimportant" - The 9th incarnation of The Doctor0 -
Iago✭✭✭✭✭Tannakaobi wrote: »Did you hear the one about the pretty Bosmer girl who went on a fishing trip with six Nords with beards?
She came home with a red snapper.
That made me LOLThat which we obtain to cheap we esteem to lightly, it is dearness only that gives everything its value.
-Thomas Pain1 -
Iago✭✭✭✭✭A high elf, a dark elf and a Wood elf all walked into a bar......
You would think one of them would have seen it!That which we obtain to cheap we esteem to lightly, it is dearness only that gives everything its value.
-Thomas Pain12 -
CatmarenSoul ShrivenI edited this from a well known ethnic joke, but thought of this while running into M'aiq in Skyrim whilst waiting for yon patch today.
This one would see the world and leaves home and see world outside Elsweyr.
This one comes to Cyrodiil, he is hungry, he orders food in tavern.
This one has not clean claws, asks serving wench for fork.
Wench says, Serving wench will never mate with Khajit.
This one is confused. This one says, "This one wants fork. This wants you to give fork on the table."
Wench says, "Khajit go fork on table with someone else, you son of a b**(*&'
This one does not understand what this one has done to anger her so. But, this one must defend his honor. This one kills the wench. This one is not whelped from dog. This one must flee.
This one flees and comes to inn. This one is tired. This one asks for room, is shown pile of hay. "This is our only mattress," Innkeeper say. Good enough for Khajit, he says.
This one asks to have sheet on bed.
Innkeeper is angry. This one does not know why. This one thinks the world is not as told by Khajit who talked to this one about travels in the world.
This one wants sheet so hay does not stick to fur. This one tries to explain. "Need sheet on bed, stick to fur."
Innkeeper is yelling"Go sheet on your own bed, you dirty son of a -"
This one does not understand, but this one must defend his honor. This one is forced to kill Innkeeper.
This one must flee again. This one flees all day and night. This one is tired and hungry. This one finds tavern. This one not ask for fork, for this one is too tired to find another tavern. This one asks for two piece fish.
The serving mans is angry. "Go piece in toilet or piece on fish in your own home dirty Khajit son of a -"
This one must kill again, and is sorry to have left home. This one heads back to Elsweyr, for this one has learned that the world is filled with no one but sons of b---Edited by Catmaren on June 25, 2014 12:03AM15 -
AinGeal✭✭✭isengrimb16_ESO wrote: »Nord it is, judging by the other jokes.
OK. So, a Nord who's down on his luck decides to go to Imperial City to see if he can get work there. After a couple of weeks of getting turned down, he resorts to panhandling outside of the city's fanciest hotel.
He's not having much luck with that, either, until a very rich Altmer pulls up in a fancy stretch-coach. As the Altmer gets out of the back, the Nord approaches and him says "Hey, uh, ya wouldn't happen to have a coin or two to spare, would you, b'ye?"
The Altmer looks at the Nord, and smiles. "Say, you're a Nord, aren't you? I'd know that accent anywhere. My wife and I have a little cottage just north of Falreath; we spend every summer there. We love it!"
He continues. "Look, I'll make you an offer. I'll ask you three questions, and if you can answer them, I'll give you a million gold pieces! How does that sound?"
The Nord, being no fool, accepts the challenge.
"All righty then", says the Altmer. "Here's the questions:
1. How many days of the week start with T?
2. How many seconds in a year?
3. How many D's in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?" (go with it)
The Nord whistles and says, "Uh, gee, those questions seem a bit tricky, and I wouldn't want to get them wrong by answering too quickly. Could .. could I have a bit of time with this?"
"Sure," replies the Altmer. "We'll meet back here tomorrow at the same time, and if you have the answers, you'll be a rich man!"
So the Nord spends the night thinking about the questions, and sure enough, the next day the Altmer is there, waiting.
"So, do you have the answers?"
"Sure do!"
"Ok, then, first question. How many days of the week start with 'T'?"
"Oh, that one was easy. Today and Tomorrow."
The Altmer started laughing. "OK, well, you're not really wrong, are you? Next question: How many seconds in a year?"
"Oh, that one was tricky, took me about an hour to figure it out," says the Nord. "The answer is 12."
"12?!" exclaims the Altmer. "How do you figure?"
The Nord says: "Well, there's the second of Morning Star, the second of Sun's Dawn, the second of First Seed ...."
The Altmer howls with laughter. Again, the Nord wasn't really wrong, so he waves it as acceptable. Once he calmed down enough to speak, he asks the third question: "How many D's in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?"
"Oh, my", sighs the Nord. "That was the one that had me up all night. Had to take my shoes and socks off, too. But I got the answer. Exactly 215."
"215!! How did you come up with that!?"
"Like this," says the Nord. "Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee ....." (to the tune of the song).
The Nord went home a rich man!
I don't know what's funnier, this joke or a Nord with a newfie accent.7 -
Lynnessa✭✭✭✭Hm... my brother told me about 50 Elder Scrolls jokes a few years back... but I can only remember a couple of them.
Why couldn't the Breton enter combat? She let her dagger fall off a cliff.
Why couldn't the Khajiit go to the party? She had to be Elsweyr.
What does the Dunmer weatherman say? "Today rain. To Morrowind."19 -
frogprincess_q4✭✭✭
I just watched this episode a couple of days ago (again)stabbykitteh wrote: »
I read this in Londo's voicerayeab16_ESO wrote: »how many Dunmer does it take to change a lantern?
just the one....but in the great old days, hundreds of slaves would change thousands of lanterns, at our every whim!
P.S. Hi @stabbykitteh!
Edited by frogprincess_q4 on June 25, 2014 1:22AM2 -
Sturmwaffel✭✭✭wrlifeboil wrote: »
It's on record here. Reading the posts of people rated Mature may give other players a negative experience.
Edit: Better answer is that we have a TOS agreement that enforces people to play nice.Edited by Sturmwaffel on June 25, 2014 1:21AM0 -
PSLAnimal✭✭✭✭A young woman is walking through Riften when she encounters an enormous Nord wearing a sorcerer's robe.
"Pardon me," the young lady asks. "But I have to ask. What do you wear under that robe?"
"I can't explain," the hulking Nord replies. "You'll have to take a look."
"OK," the young ladt agrees. She bends down, lifts the hem of the robe and peeks upward.
"OH MY GODS," she screams, recoiling in horror. "It's GRUESOME!"
"Yah," the Nord replies. "And if you look again, you'll find it's gruesome more!"Animal (Ask me what the PSL stands for. Go on. Ask.)
@PSLAnimal on the NA Megaserver
Making people wonder just what the hell is wrong with me since 1961.27 -
Teevesnacks✭✭✭Arsenic_Touch wrote: »
Communication.
Oh, different kind of joke... Hm. I'll have to get back to you.
There once was a kill joy
The end5 -
PSLAnimal✭✭✭✭One more:
A Nord walks into an inn and orders a glass of Black-Briar mead. As the bartender slides the drink to the Nord, another Nord sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence! I'm having a Black-Briar mead. Since I got here from Skyrim, this is the only inn where I've found it."
The first Nord replies, "Skyrim! I'm from Skyrim! Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the Nords asks, "What part of Skyrim are you from?"
"Winterhold," replies the other.
"This is weird," says the first, "I'm from Winterhold! Let's get another mead."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Winterhold?"
"Not much, really, I came here to Mournhold right out of school. I graduated from the College of Winterhold last spring."
"This is eerie," replies the other Nord. "I graduated from the College of WInterhold last spring, too. Let's get another flagon."
But the bartender says, "Hang on fellas, I gotta talk to my wife."
The bartender goes up to the sleeping rooms where his wife is cleaning up and tells her that he'll be late closing the bar for the night. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Fenraldsen twins are here again."
***
Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week, try the prime rib and don't forget to tip your waitress, those girls work hard!Animal (Ask me what the PSL stands for. Go on. Ask.)
@PSLAnimal on the NA Megaserver
Making people wonder just what the hell is wrong with me since 1961.20 -
ArcaneBlue✭✭✭why do khajiits lick th.. ok forget that I said anything
what's one thing the bosmers don't eat?orcs. they're too green#teamEmeric7 -
AngryNord✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭An Altmer, a Nord and an Imperial were passengers on a boat. The weather got real bad, it was Clear the boat was in big trouble.
"We're overloaded!" the captain shouted. "There's only one solution: One of you must jump overboard!"
"I do this for the Aldmeri Dominion!" the Altmer shouted, and threw himself overboard.
It helped for a while, but then the captain informed that the boat was still overloaded, there was nothing else to do, one more passenger needed to jump.
"I do this for Skyrim!" the Nord shouted, and threw the Imperial overboard...36
