Update 44 is now available for testing on the PTS! You can read the latest patch notes here: https://forums.elderscrollsonline.com/en/categories/pts
Maintenance for the week of September 16:
• [IN PROGRESS] Xbox: NA and EU megaservers for patch maintenance – September 18, 6:00AM EDT (10:00 UTC) - 12:00PM EDT (16:00 UTC)
• [IN PROGRESS] PlayStation®: NA and EU megaservers for patch maintenance – September 18, 6:00AM EDT (10:00 UTC) - 12:00PM EDT (16:00 UTC)
• [IN PROGRESS] Xbox: NA and EU megaservers for patch maintenance – September 18, 6:00AM EDT (10:00 UTC) - 12:00PM EDT (16:00 UTC)
• [IN PROGRESS] PlayStation®: NA and EU megaservers for patch maintenance – September 18, 6:00AM EDT (10:00 UTC) - 12:00PM EDT (16:00 UTC)
ESO Joke of the Day
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Affrayer✭✭✭I'll start off with a corny one for now.
Q: How do Bosmer send messages in the forest?
A: By moss code.Pffffff28 -
Affrayer✭✭✭Nord Boy: "Grandma, have you seen my flask? It was labelled 'Skooma'."
Grandma: "Sod the flask! Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen!?"Pffffff47 -
kip_silverwolf✭✭✭✭✭An Altmer and a Dunmer walk into a bar...the Bosmer walks under it.."I'm going to live forever..or at least die trying"
drunken Nord & Tamriel streaker since Arena32 -
Obscure✭✭✭✭✭What do you get when you cross a Nord, a Dunmer, and an Argonian?Violently Murdered!
Blood for the Pact!41 -
Food4Thought✭✭✭Here is a variant of the "wood chuck" tongue twister ...
How much wood could a wood elf cut
If a wood elf could cut wood?
As much wood as a wood elf could cut,
If a wood elf could cut wood.15 -
tzurlogen✭✭✭Tannakaobi wrote: »Did you hear the one about the pretty Bosmer girl who went on a fishing trip with six Nords with beards?
She came home with a red snapper.
this man wins the internet.17 -
Digiman✭✭✭✭✭Food4Thought wrote: »I'm curious how many people have Elder Scrolls or Elder Scrolls Online jokes and I want to hear them all. If you got a joke, please post. Whoever gets the most "LOL" wins!
I'll start.
An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.
The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"
The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."
LOL and WoW joke, very nostalgic.
What is the difference between paying your skooma dealer or pay a subscription to this game?
The skooma is more rewarding and his place is less likely to have bugs in it.Edited by Digiman on June 24, 2014 6:49PM15 -
Obscure✭✭✭✭✭What's the best way to convince even the most pompous Altmer that you have a good point?Stab them in the chest with it.
What do you wear to dinner in Vallenwood?Barbeque Sauce.
How do you know if a chick your dating pre-ordered the Imperial Edition of ESO?She has crabs.Edited by Obscure on June 24, 2014 6:57PM66 -
ferzalrwb17_ESO✭✭✭✭✭This is an awful, old, awful, corny, awful one. Sorry in advance.
An Altmer, a Bosmer and a Khajiit are faced with a sheer drop impeding their path home that would surely cause them to respawn at the nearest wayshrine should they attempt to jump. The nearest wayshrine is behind them.
A wandering mage encounters the trio and has a solution to their problem.
"I can place an enchantment upon each of you that will activate when you leap from the cliff. Simply say what you want to land on below and it shall instantly appear. Think before you leap". He made some strange gestures, some tingley things happened and he went upon his way.
The brave and pompous Altmer, knowing full well the feeling of a powerful enchantment, agreed to try first. She leapt from the cliff and shouted "spidersilk". Instantly a bed of spidersilk weavings appeared below and cushioned her fall allowing her to walk home after a quick wave of her resto staff.
The sly Bosmer, having witnessed the power of the enchantment, eagerly jumped from the cliff next and shouted "Moss". He landed in a magically produced pile of the softest moss to be found in Dominion territory and barely needed the smallest gulp from his Elixir of health before heading on his way.
The gleeful Khajiit was beside himself with joy. Seeing the success of his travelling companions, he leapt from the cliff with typical grace and shouted "Weeeeeeeee!".54 -
yodased✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭Stamina builds.Tl;dr really weigh the fun you have in game vs the business practices you are supporting.22 -
AlexDougherty✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭ferzalrwb17_ESO wrote: »This is an awful, old, awful, corny, awful one. Sorry in advance.
An Altmer, a Bosmer and a Khajiit are faced with a sheer drop impeding their path home that would surely cause them to respawn at the nearest wayshrine should they attempt to jump. The nearest wayshrine is behind them.
A wandering mage encounters the trio and has a solution to their problem.
"I can place an enchantment upon each of you that will activate when you leap from the cliff. Simply say what you want to land on below and it shall instantly appear. Think before you leap". He made some strange gestures, some tingley things happened and he went upon his way.
The brave and pompous Altmer, knowing full well the feeling of a powerful enchantment, agreed to try first. She leapt from the cliff and shouted "spidersilk". Instantly a bed of spidersilk weavings appeared below and cushioned her fall allowing her to walk home after a quick wave of her resto staff.
The sly Bosmer, having witnessed the power of the enchantment, eagerly jumped from the cliff next and shouted "Moss". He landed in a magically produced pile of the softest moss to be found in Dominion territory and barely needed the smallest gulp from his Elixir of health before heading on his way.
The gleeful Khajiit was beside himself with joy. Seeing the success of his travelling companions, he leapt from the cliff with typical grace and shouted "Weeeeeeeee!".
ROTFL XDPeople believe what they either want to be true or what they are afraid is true!
Wizard's first rule
Passion rules reason
Wizard's third rule
Mind what people Do, not what they say, for actions betray a lie.
Wizard's fifth rule
Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self
Wizard's tenth rule5 -
xylus289_ESO✭✭✭Food4Thought wrote: »I'm curious how many people have Elder Scrolls or Elder Scrolls Online jokes and I want to hear them all. If you got a joke, please post. Whoever gets the most "LOL" wins!
I'll start.
An Orc walks into a bar in Cyrodiil with an ugly, one eyed, mangled parrot on his shoulder.
The barkeeper looks up, jumps back, and proclaims, 'God what an ugly thing. Where did you get it?"
The parrot responded, "Orsinium. They are all over the #$%&# place."
Stealing a joke and replacing a human with an orc doesnt count. you lose.5 -
What do you get when an Orc uses Extended Chains and pulls you into him and a group of his Orc buddies?A Pulled Orc Sandwich
What do you get when you dump an Oil pot on an Orc and a Khajiit?Orc Fried Rice and Orange chicken (It's made of Cat!)Edited by mikeymike2785b14_ESO on June 24, 2014 7:29PM14 -
What do you get when Zenimax takes too long on their megaserver maintenance?Threads like this :P16
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Tannakaobi✭✭✭✭✭tzurlogeneb17_ESO2 wrote: »Tannakaobi wrote: »Did you hear the one about the pretty Bosmer girl who went on a fishing trip with six Nords with beards?
She came home with a red snapper.
this man wins the internet.
Sweet, what do I do with the internet? Wait... forget that question, I know what the internet is for.
13 -
Rammanjeff✭✭Funny nobody has said this yet...
ESO IS the joke of the day.It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong. ~ Thomas Sowell8 -
Ridicularded✭✭✭An enchanter is sitting at a bar when a pretty Altmer chick walks by.
"Bet she's got mad kuta"
*winks1 -
Whisper292✭✭✭Tannakaobi wrote: »tzurlogeneb17_ESO2 wrote: »Tannakaobi wrote: »Did you hear the one about the pretty Bosmer girl who went on a fishing trip with six Nords with beards?
She came home with a red snapper.
this man wins the internet.
Sweet, what do I do with the internet? Wait... forget that question, I know what the internet is for.
This one made me tear up from sheer happiness.---
Love all, trust few, do wrong to no one. - William Shakespeare1 -
Cody✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭
I don't get it:/milesrodneymcneely2_ESO wrote: »"A pair of fair-haired Breton lasses decided to make a pilgrimage to the capitol of Cyrodiil."
"Near the end of the journey they happened upon a fork in the road with a sign that read: ~Imperial City Left~."
"Disheartened, they turned around and went home."
20 -
Mordria✭✭✭✭NookyZooky wrote: »
I don't get it:/milesrodneymcneely2_ESO wrote: »"A pair of fair-haired Breton lasses decided to make a pilgrimage to the capitol of Cyrodiil."
"Near the end of the journey they happened upon a fork in the road with a sign that read: ~Imperial City Left~."
"Disheartened, they turned around and went home."
Umm.. the city. It left.3 -
Shaun98ca2✭✭✭✭✭NookyZooky wrote: »
I don't get it:/milesrodneymcneely2_ESO wrote: »"A pair of fair-haired Breton lasses decided to make a pilgrimage to the capitol of Cyrodiil."
"Near the end of the journey they happened upon a fork in the road with a sign that read: ~Imperial City Left~."
"Disheartened, they turned around and went home."
You knows its sad I didn't get it at 1st either....try reading it out loud.3 -
Tannakaobi✭✭✭✭✭As it is a new day I will post another.
As a Nord of good breeding I have many Argonian and Khajiit servants.
Anyway, just the other day my wife walked in to find me in bed with our Argonian maid.
"That's disgusting, what do you have to say for yourself?" she asked, I just sat there and said nothing.
"The cat got your tongue?"
"Sometimes" I replied.
42 -
runagate✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭Sea Elf : Maomer :: Khajiit : MeowmerEdited by runagate on June 24, 2014 8:11PM24 -
AngryNord✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭Two workers drag a dead Khajiit out of Lake Honrich. A Riften guardsman walks by, and notices a huge rock strapped to the Khajiit's body.
"Stupid Cat," he says. "Not only did he steal a huge rock - he even tried to swim across the lake with it!!"41
