Is it wrong to inquire about RLF gender to your in-game friends?

Samadhi

marshill88 wrote: »

Flirting happens in this game....humans are humans and we enjoy the "zing" of flirting, and that is a little bit different than simply questing.

It is interesting in that in your first post you claimed this was your personal feeling and that your reason for asking for insights was to discern whether that was the case for other players:

marshill88 wrote: »

I see a lot of what I would call 'flirting' in the game, and I wonder, simply as a student of psychology if the human behind the character is doing a percentage of that flirting (i.e. I, the real life person, enjoy the zing of this flirting) or if people flirt in game completely detached from their character (my character is flirting, i'm roleplaying).

But now you are attempting to proclaim that it's not just your feelings but instead a human factor when other human players, such as myself, have made statements that flirting may be undertaken with absolutely no desire for further romantic engagement

My whole reason for asking this question was to know if its tactful to ask gender or not, because if one of my in-game friends is flirting with me, and its not appropriate to ask gender, I'd just cease and desist the activity because I simply don't like the idea of flirting with a guy, under any context, it doesn't appeal to me, and this is no offense to people who do like that, I have no problem with people enjoying what they enjoy when it is not at the expense of someone else.

Rather than looking for some sort of community sentiment that you can use as a blanket position, it is again my suggestion to treat people on a case-by-case basis

"may I ask your pronouns?" is a respectful way you can ask the person if they individually feel comfortable sharing that information with you, and opens the door for you to ask what their identity is

but really, if you feel uncomfortable flirting with a person on some subconscious basis that you may not have potential for deeper attraction towards the person you are flirting with, then the cease and desist is probably the best course
again, not everyone flirts for the same reason and if you are flirting with a particular goal that someone else flirting with you does not have, you are going to end up with interpersonal drama a later date anyway

Samadhi

SilverBride wrote: »

I had a long reply typed out, but I edited. I'm sorry if some players have had negative experiences with this question. But I stand by my opinion that it is not wrong to ask a friend what their gender is.

Can totally respect that you hold that opinion, and that we would be unlikely to form a friendship

spartaxoxo

SilverBride wrote: »

I had a long reply typed out, but I edited. I'm sorry if some players have had negative experiences with this question. But I stand by my opinion that it is not wrong to ask a friend what their gender is.

🤔 🙊 🙉 🙈

Nightowl_74

I'm an open book to a point, and it doesn't bother me to be asked whether I'm in reality a female. The point varies based on what kind of impression someone makes but it generally goes past my basic status of an older married woman.

People sometimes flirt with me or my character in online games but their gender and whether they're only role-playing are both irrelevant because I just ignore it. I'm not interested, either way. That being said, if someone routinely flirts with me I think they should be prepared for the possibility that I might want to know more about them, probably starting with whether they're male or female. There's nothing compelling them to answer but in my opinion the question would be within the range of "normal" in that situation.

Guys will often be more courteous when they realize I'm a woman. Several times it's been my lack of reaction to crude jests directed at me that made someone say, "Umm, you're a guy right?" Apparently most of my "indicators" are backwards, aside from that one.

SilverBride

Samadhi wrote: »

SilverBride wrote: »

I had a long reply typed out, but I edited. I'm sorry if some players have had negative experiences with this question. But I stand by my opinion that it is not wrong to ask a friend what their gender is.

Can totally respect that you hold that opinion, and that we would be unlikely to form a friendship

Not everyone are meant to be friends. Just respectful.

Samadhi

SilverBride wrote: »

Samadhi wrote: »

SilverBride wrote: »

I had a long reply typed out, but I edited. I'm sorry if some players have had negative experiences with this question. But I stand by my opinion that it is not wrong to ask a friend what their gender is.

Can totally respect that you hold that opinion, and that we would be unlikely to form a friendship

Not everyone are meant to be friends. Just respectful.

all the best

Goregrinder

SilverBride wrote: »

Samadhi wrote: »

SilverBride wrote: »

I had a long reply typed out, but I edited. I'm sorry if some players have had negative experiences with this question. But I stand by my opinion that it is not wrong to ask a friend what their gender is.

Can totally respect that you hold that opinion, and that we would be unlikely to form a friendship

Not everyone are meant to be friends. Just respectful.

Very true, not everyone can be winners and not everyone will be friends.

SilverBride

Samadhi wrote: »

all the best

Same.

Goregrinder

ThorianB wrote: »

SilverBride wrote: »

Don't read too much into this.

In real life a person's gender is the first thing you notice when you meet, because in most cases their gender is apparent.

And yes people do approach someone differently based on their gender, just like they approach a child differently than an adult.

It's social norms and has nothing to do with disrespect. Nor is it the least bit unusual that someone would ask, because they have no other way to know.

I have worked with other guys in carpentry most of my adult life. They act A LOT different "around the guys" than they do around their spouses. The things they say at work would make them single if said at home and they egg each other on so it only gets worse the more comfortable they are with each other.

It's sad that many guys act so differently around other guys than they do around women, but this may be another reason why guys are curious. They don't want to say something they KNOW is wrong and offensive in front of the person that might be offended but its totally fine and even coll to say it to the bros. It's sad but true. Many guys don't mature until their 30s and 40s.

Yep that's just biology right there. Obviously "maturity" itself and it's frame of reference is subjective based on societal structures, but women mature faster than men in general. We build comradery with other guys by being like each other, which means we try to act like each other and try to compete with each other on who the alpha of a group is, which results in the behavior you just mentioned.

Women tend to build comradery by empathizing with each other, from what I have observed so far living with them. But I'm not a women so I can't substantiate that, that's just how it appears. There seems to be less competition for the alpha spot within a group, which leads to less competition in conversation, less risk taking (doing stupid stunts), less overall aggressive behavior in general, etc.

Women appear to be more likely to see someone put a fork in an outlet and learn that it's a bad idea by seeing how it negatively affects that person, meanwhile us guys are more likely to try it and get shocked a few times before we determine it's probably a bad idea. We're slow learners, but what I can say...I blame our reptilian brain for that.

tsaescishoeshiner

Goregrinder wrote: »

Yep that's just biology right there. Obviously "maturity" itself and it's frame of reference is subjective based on societal structures, but women mature faster than men in general. We build comradery with other guys by being like each other, which means we try to act like each other and try to compete with each other on who the alpha of a group is, which results in the behavior you just mentioned.

None of that is biology, that's all socialization.

The idea that it's "how men are" is a social perception, not a biological fact. The observation that it's "how men tend to be" doesn't make that observation biological, unless all those people grew up in and live in a perfect social vacuum. There are a lot of interesting studies and models for gender and group behavior.

But we should probably stick to discussing in-game dynamics, so we don't attract any official attention.

Elsonso

Samadhi wrote: »

"may I ask your pronouns?" is a respectful way you can ask the person if they individually feel comfortable sharing that information with you, and opens the door for you to ask what their identity is

I would suggest that asking about pronouns could be worse than just asking gender.

Samadhi

Elsonso wrote: »

Samadhi wrote: »

"may I ask your pronouns?" is a respectful way you can ask the person if they individually feel comfortable sharing that information with you, and opens the door for you to ask what their identity is

I would suggest that asking about pronouns could be worse than just asking gender.

I addressed this earlier in the thread. Asking a bigot for their pronouns may result in them getting upset with you for some sort of "brainwash speak" or whatever they may want to say as they tell you that they are an attack helicopter

but generally those are the sorts of people that you can bluntly ask "are you a dude or a chick?" and they will respond
Would not presume that to be the personality type that would cause someone to make a forum thread expressing concern about whether or not it is okay to ask

you need to treat the situation on a case-by-case scenario when you encounter it, rather than expecting a community standard that everyone is going to adhere to

DarcyMardin

Fascinating discussion! I haven’t actually met, in real life, many of the people I’ve met in the various MMOs I’ve been playing for many years, but one person I did meet one evening kinda proves that IRL gender isn’t always obvious. He was our guild leader/raid leader both in a former game and in this one, but a couple of years ago she decided to transition to her authentic self, a woman. She played both genders as her characters in both games, (and played always at the highest level of skill), but in voice coms she sounded male and appeared male when we met. Now she sounds and appears female. I love her no matter what gender she is.

The point being, gender is complicated and, as far as gameplay is concerned, it really doesn’t matter.

Psiion

Greetings all,

After review, it seems this thread has run its course and we have decided to close it down. As a reminder, both Flaming and Baiting are non-constructive and against the Forum's Community Rules. We always encourage sharing opinions, but we ask that they remain respectful when doing so.