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Is it wrong to inquire about RLF gender to your in-game friends?

  • Path
    Path
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    Personally, I do not care what other players identify sexually.

    This is a game.

    Play how you want.

    Engage with other players, it is an MMO, and be happy to make a friend.

    As another said, This is not a dating app.
    Fairy Tales Really Do Come True...Kinda.
  • Athan1
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    I mean, even if you ask, what makes you think people will reply truthfully? For all you know, anyone on the internet could be a cat.
    Athan Atticus Imperial Templar of Shezarr
  • Moonsprite
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    I feel it’s better ask if you are interested in knowing this person better. I have never been offended by anyone asking me.

    I don’t bring it up because people get these crazy ideas that if you have voluntarily told someone your a girl it means you want free stuff or you want people to treat you differently.

    I do agree with one of the above posters that when people find out you’re a girl, the guys tend to be less nasty (vulgar) Seriously, I’ve had to google some things they say because no man in his right mind would say these things in front of a lady irl. I sometimes turn off zone chat because it gets nasty in there too.
  • SilverBride
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    Path wrote: »
    Personally, I do not care what other players identify sexually.

    This thread is about asking what someone's gender is, not how they identify sexually.
    PCNA
  • Ekzorka
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    marshill88 wrote: »
    Is it wrong to inquire about RLF gender to your in-game friends?
    Nope. In some languages it will be clear who is your interlocutor. ;)
    marshill88 wrote: »
    So because I know that most of the female characters I encounter online are males
    As well as women can play for male characters. It's a MMORPG, where people can choosing a character based on their interests like RP or just a model they're looking at.
  • Loralai_907
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    Ok. So. If someone I barely knew thought they needed to ask me if I was a girl irl, my first thought would be about their intent. WHY are they asking? What does it matter, what are they looking for, are they about to get weird with me when I say yeah? Because thats just not a normal part of conversations I have with people. Maybe thats because I am in discord a lot, so the people I interact with will typically hear my voice. But I have had enough people get weird with me, in game and in discord, that I am just a little cautious now. The ones in game, they weren't part of the discord stuff, so they just got weird for fun I guess. I don't enjoy being asked stupid crap like do I look like my character irl, and then just use your imagination after that as to what else they found appropriate to say to me. I don't enjoy being spoken to in Cyro about being assaulted/forced to do things (and not in that its just Cyro PvP talk kind of way). I had a guy in discord talk about driving to my state the first time he was in a call with me. Like, these are extremes I know that, and they haven't happened super often or anything like that (and I SUPER appreciate all you guys out there not being like this, you are awesome!). But its just like, having dealt with this crap, and knowing other ladies have too, if you want to ask about their gender, your motives better not be to cause her any dang distress because you think you are some special snowflake or something that is going to sweep her off her feet with your weirdness. (apologies for any ramblingness, I am so so so tired rn)
    PC-NA - formerly, mommadani907Guild: Weeping Angels - Co-GMTwitter: @ Loralai_907 several Alt accounts....CP 1700+
    Active characters:Fauna Rosewood ( Bosmer Stam DK - Master Crafter/AD)///Loralai Darknova (Drunken Zombie Bosmer Stam Sorc - PvP/AD)Lilith Darknova ( Dunmer Mag DK - Master Crafter - PvP/AD)///and roughly 1billion alts
  • Uvi_AUT
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    I treat everyone as their ingame Gender. Its a RPG after all. Doesnt matter if "he" says he is a male in Real Life.

    Not that it matters though, I cant think of a situation where I would treat a woman differently than a man.

    Only exception. If you run around in just a Bra (metal or not) and panties, I will treat you like a Streetworker. I guess you are going to roleplay a woman of the oldest profession.
    Registered since 2014, Customer Service lost my Forum-Account and can't find it.....
  • EvilAutoTech
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    Athan1 wrote: »
    I mean, even if you ask, what makes you think people will reply truthfully? For all you know, anyone on the internet could be a cat.

    I'm a lawyer, not a cat.
    Edited by EvilAutoTech on April 1, 2021 7:05AM
  • Samadhi
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    marshill88 wrote: »
    ...I see a lot of what I would call 'flirting' in the game, and I wonder, simply as a student of psychology if the human behind the character is doing a percentage of that flirting (i.e. I, the real life person, enjoy the zing of this flirting) or if people flirt in game completely detached from their character (my character is flirting, i'm roleplaying).
    Does it matter the reasons? Of course not, it doesn't matter, but do I still wonder?

    Personally a demisexual lesbian that enjoys casually flirting with people of any gender (in game and in real life) because it's nice to do little things that give people a smile

    "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- the 14th Dalai Lama
    Wisdom is doing Now that which benefits you later.
  • Samadhi
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    Not wrong. You're asking the individual to answer in terms they are happy to identify with.

    Feel like "may I ask your preferred pronouns?" and "are you a girl or a guy playing girl characters" are two different questions with two different levels of tact tho
    "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- the 14th Dalai Lama
    Wisdom is doing Now that which benefits you later.
  • Seminolegirl1992
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    I have a hard time believing 85% of the player base is male. I feel it's more like 55/45 or something like that. Nearly half my progression team makeup is female.
    @Seminolegirl1992 PC/NA CP 2400+ PVE, PVP, RP, Housing: Tel Galen, Fair Winds, Moon Sugar, Grand Psijic, Forsaken, HOTLC, Bastion, Ravenhurst, Gardner, Alinor, Hakkvild's, Gorinir, Kragenhome, Hundings, & more- feel free to come see! Wish list
    Former Empress | Swashbuckler Supreme | Planesbreaker | Godslayer | Gryphon Heart | Immortal Redeemer | Tick Tock Tormentor | Dro-m'athra Destroyer | Dawnbringer
  • spartaxoxo
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    I have a hard time believing 85% of the player base is male. I feel it's more like 55/45 or something like that. Nearly half my progression team makeup is female.

    I'd honestly be floored if it was accurate too. Nearly half my guild is female and I can't think of any game I have personally played with so many other ladies. It's gotta be somewhere near the industry average of 30^-40%
  • Aerenthir
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    I don't see any reason why I would care about a persons gender on a MMO. I don't role play. And I'm certainly not interested in hitting on women on a game. The notion itself is beyond absurd to me.

    If someone asks me, I won't be offended and I'll answer them. It's not a big deal for me. Also just like many people have said, in the guild that I am as well we have a lot more ladies than 15%.
  • Thavie
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    my motive is to understand proper etiquette
    I have curious mind and it is something of an academic fascination for me
    it is an academic question and scientific research

    So, "asking for a friend", just a tad longer, then.
    Edited by Thavie on April 1, 2021 9:26AM
    "We grew under a bad sun"
  • zharkovian
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    Yes, my experience in the game is there are a good percentage of females playing, certainly more than the OP stated 15% - if you play in a guild, and do group play, you hear all the voices. I find for trial play, for those that do speak out, females are about a third. This is also demonstrated with twitch feeds.

    As for the OP, besides academic interest, it does not, and should not matter.

    It's a game.
  • RedMuse
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    I'm not even going to get into that article because there are actual professonal studies out there that shows different numbers and people take it to prove things it doesn't actually prove.


    Back on the topic. If you ask me my gender I will tell you this, I'm actually five Alfiq in a Dwemer construct. For real though, if my real life gender is even remotely relevant to our interactions then you already know it, probably alongside my sexuality, age and a host ton of other stuff about me. If you need to ask, it wasn't relevant to begin with.
    And if I'm behaving in a fashion that makes you feel uncomfortable just ask me to stop. My parents raise me right so I know to mind myself around others and that stop means stop.
  • Varangian_af_Scaniae
    spartaxoxo wrote: »
    I, like many women, have created male toons in the past to avoid sexism for being a female gamer. It's not that I identified as a man, it's that I didn't want certain sexist men to identify me as a woman. Now that I'm older I don't care and pretty much exclusively play female toons. But many women and girls, especially younger ones or ones with a lot of RL stress will engage in this practice. And many female gamers have either done this themselves or know of another woman who has done that.

    Isn't it strange that that just happens to women? I have played female characters in many online games. Never have I had anyone say anything condescending or sexist to me. Only thing close was one cat trying to roleplay, hitting on my Breton woman. It wasn't sexist it was just weird because I'm not a cat person.:)
    But it has happened a few time that people have called me an idiot or Cyka *****. Do I get offended no. Sexism might have happened to you but I believe you are exaggerating and you are safe in your home. As long as you don't give out your home address no one on the Internet can hurt you, what ever they say.

    "being a female gamer"
    Why would you use that term? Calling yourself a female game just separates you from the group gamers. Is it to make you feel special? Hey I spend many hours a day playing games and I don't call myself a gamer, let alone a male gamer. We are people playing games.
  • SpacemanSpiff1
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    ive never had to inquire. just talking to people, you get to know them.

    it's also never really mattered what gender my friends are though.
  • Moonsprite
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    @ Varangian_af_Scaniae

    There is a difference between playing a female character and being a woman IRL. Once you’ve been found out, attitudes change. Even in this game, a week after I started on PS4 NA a guy asked me to marry him and be his queen. This to me was sad, but not the most creepy thing to happen to me.

    In another game,FFXIV, I play I got “special pictures” of a guy DMed to me on discord. Another guy said he wanted to get a commission of our characters together. I’ve also been asked to send inappropriate pictures too (WoW) Thankfully, most people aren’t like this, but it does happen. I ignore/block these people. On some games though, you take people off your friends list or ignore them and they can still see when you log in. They make alts to try to talk to you and apologize. Some guys also think that if you are nice to them at all it means you’re interested in them.

    Watch some of the female gamers streaming and see the comments they get. I guarantee there are things said you wouldn’t see in a guy’s comments.
  • Goregrinder
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    Aerenthir wrote: »
    I don't see any reason why I would care about a persons gender on a MMO. I don't role play. And I'm certainly not interested in hitting on women on a game. The notion itself is beyond absurd to me.

    If someone asks me, I won't be offended and I'll answer them. It's not a big deal for me. Also just like many people have said, in the guild that I am as well we have a lot more ladies than 15%.

    Yeah for me it's like someone asking me what species I am (Human btw) or what language I speak or what color my hair is (black). Once I get on coms it'll be pretty apparent that I'm a dude so there'd be no point in saying otherwise. To me they're just questions that don't mean anything if answered. If someone is fishing me for information, I am sure any answer I give them is already in the public domain anyways, or Facebook/FBI already have it.
  • SilverBride
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    Don't read too much into this.

    In real life a person's gender is the first thing you notice when you meet, because in most cases their gender is apparent.

    And yes people do approach someone differently based on their gender, just like they approach a child differently than an adult.

    It's social norms and has nothing to do with disrespect. Nor is it the least bit unusual that someone would ask, because they have no other way to know.
    PCNA
  • Lugaldu
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    Aerenthir wrote: »
    If someone asks me, I won't be offended and I'll answer them. It's not a big deal for me.

    Maybe not for you, but it can be different for other people. Everyone should keep that in mind.

  • Goregrinder
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    Don't read too much into this.

    In real life a person's gender is the first thing you notice when you meet, because in most cases their gender is apparent.

    And yes people do approach someone differently based on their gender, just like they approach a child differently than an adult.

    It's social norms and has nothing to do with disrespect. Nor is it the least bit unusual that someone would ask, because they have no other way to know.

    This is the most objectively logical thing I've read in this thread so far. And you are right, the gender of something like 97% of all living human's (at least in the US)can be identified just by appearance. There are many tell tale signs such as bone structure, hairlines, eye brows, facial structures, height, hip width, etc. Online it's a different story, since you can mask your voice, easily change how you talk or type, and hide what you look like, which is probably more the "what are you?" question comes up a lot more in a game like ESO then if the interaction was at the line at the bank or something.

    You make very very good points about humanity though.
  • Lugaldu
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    Online it's a different story, since you can mask your voice, easily change how you talk or type, and hide what you look like, which is probably more the "what are you?" question comes up a lot more in a game like ESO then if the interaction was at the line at the bank or something.

    Sure, but the question is exactly why asking for the assigned sex of another player would be relevant since, as already mentioned several times, it just shouldn't matter.

  • SilverBride
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    Lugaldu wrote: »
    Sure, but the question is exactly why asking for the assigned sex of another player would be relevant since, as already mentioned several times, it just shouldn't matter.

    The question presented by the OP is "Is it wrong to inquire about RLF gender to your in-game friends?" Not is it relevant.

    It's not like you asked for their financial status, which would be inappropriate. But gender is the most basic thing about a person. It's perfectly natural to want to know this about someone you are friends with.
    PCNA
  • Goregrinder
    Goregrinder
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    Lugaldu wrote: »
    Online it's a different story, since you can mask your voice, easily change how you talk or type, and hide what you look like, which is probably more the "what are you?" question comes up a lot more in a game like ESO then if the interaction was at the line at the bank or something.

    Sure, but the question is exactly why asking for the assigned sex of another player would be relevant since, as already mentioned several times, it just shouldn't matter.

    I don't know, it may or may not be relevant depending on the situation. If another player starts flirting with you whether it is IC or OOC (for those RPers) wouldn't you want to know whether it's a guy or a girl behind that text? I know I would. But if someone joins the group because they want to PVP or something, I personally wouldn't care what they are, but some might. Different people care about different things.

    But that's irrelevant to my point. No one is has answer any question they don't want to. If someone asks if you like pineapple on your pizza, you don't have to tell them if you do or don't. I personally would because I don't see what harm someone probing me for information about myself will cause me. At the end of the day it doesn't matter to me what they know about me, the FBI will always know more anyways. The OP's original question was is it appropriate to ask "friends" that specific question.

    Some people are saying "Yeah in every case it's 100% inappropriate", but societal structures aren't that cut and dry. There is no blanket rule for human interaction that applies to everyone. It might be appropriate in OP's case if he is really good friends with a group. We don't know their relationship dynamic, and the question is posed in the abstract anyways.

  • Lugaldu
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    The question presented by the OP is "Is it wrong to inquire about RLF gender to your in-game friends?" Not is it relevant.

    Ok, so, is it wrong - imho yes, because it's irrelevant. In the game and IRL.

  • marshill88
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    I don't know, it may or may not be relevant depending on the situation. If another player starts flirting with you whether it is IC or OOC (for those RPers) wouldn't you want to know whether it's a guy or a girl behind that text? I know I would. But if someone joins the group because they want to PVP or something, I personally wouldn't care what they are, but some might. Different people care about different things.


    That is why I asked the question. I don't care about gender at all when I'm playing. I know each character represents another human being, and that human being deserves respect and dignity. But when one of those characters was flirting with me...very obviously (we were throwing pies at other players near the jester area, having a fun time, after a while she took her clothes off and danced in front of me, throwing kisses, etc. obvious flirting). WIth the flirting, I couldn't help but wonder if this is a woman or a man.
    .
  • SilverBride
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    Lugaldu wrote: »
    The question presented by the OP is "Is it wrong to inquire about RLF gender to your in-game friends?" Not is it relevant.

    Ok, so, is it wrong - imho yes, because it's irrelevant. In the game and IRL.

    As @Goregrinder pointed out, "It may or may not be relevant depending on the situation." But irrelevant doesn't translate to wrong. It is irrelevant for anyone in game to know what another's pizza preference is but it's not wrong to ask them.

    And the OP specifically asked about friends, not just random people you run into in game. It is perfectly natural for most people to want to know who their friends are. In game and real life.

    If you feel differently that is your opinion, which you are entitled to, but that doesn't mean everyone else is wrong.
    PCNA
  • ThorianB
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    Don't read too much into this.

    In real life a person's gender is the first thing you notice when you meet, because in most cases their gender is apparent.

    And yes people do approach someone differently based on their gender, just like they approach a child differently than an adult.

    It's social norms and has nothing to do with disrespect. Nor is it the least bit unusual that someone would ask, because they have no other way to know.

    I have worked with other guys in carpentry most of my adult life. They act A LOT different "around the guys" than they do around their spouses. The things they say at work would make them single if said at home and they egg each other on so it only gets worse the more comfortable they are with each other.

    It's sad that many guys act so differently around other guys than they do around women, but this may be another reason why guys are curious. They don't want to say something they KNOW is wrong and offensive in front of the person that might be offended but its totally fine and even coll to say it to the bros. It's sad but true. Many guys don't mature until their 30s and 40s.
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