Is it wrong to inquire about RLF gender to your in-game friends?

Araneae6537

SilverBride wrote: »

Araneae6537 wrote: »

SilverBride wrote: »

You can't expect people to treat each other in game differently than how things are in real life. It's bound to carry over into the game.

I can demand respect. And the topic of the thread was about asking someone’s irl gender. Why would someone want to know? To know whether they should treat me differently then? Hard pass. Anyone gets weird with me, I’m ghosting them faster than they can say “boo!”

I don't understand how asking someone's gender is disrespectful. In real life we are looking at the person, hearing them speak, and except in certain situations their gender is obvious. In game it is not so clear.

Why would someone want to know? As I previously mentioned, if I become friends with someone I like to know who they are. This is just one fact friends find out about each other as the friendship develops.

I don't care if other players know I'm a female. It's not something I feel I need to hide for whatever reason. If someone becomes inappropriate because of it I'd warn them and end the friendship. If they persist I'd take screenshots, report them and put them on ignore. But that is something wrong with their personality, not my gender.

It isn’t the asking but why they want to know and if and how someone is treated differently because of their gender that can be disrespectful. I fear you misunderstand me; there is nothing wrong with revealing your gender or anything else about yourself that you wish.

And I do want to say I’ve had mostly good experience in ESO, including getting on voice chat with PUG groups and it’s a total non-issue. All I’m saying is that there are reasons people may be uncomfortable with being asked.

zaria

I have an funny story from an free to play MMO I played over 20 years ago. I played an female elf.
I helped some guy on an world boss and we started talking.

First we talked about the game but then he started to try to pick me up and it was obvious he was an young teen.
So I kind of had to inform him I was an guy and perhaps half the ladies he saw in the game was guys.
He was shocked

SilverBride

Araneae6537 wrote: »

It isn’t the asking but why the want to know and if and how someone is treated differently because of their gender that can be disrespectful.

Guys often speak much more crudely to their male friends than to a female. In this case, them knowing I am female may cause them to treat me more respectfully rather than the other way around.

SirAndy

marshill88 wrote: »

... So because I know that most of the female characters I encounter online are males ...

I'm a dude who has 3 male chars and 4 female chars and the rest are cats.

And since you are "a student of psychology" here's a question for you:
Does that make me weird?

Danikat

Sandman929 wrote: »

I've been in many an awkward pug chat where some male asks, or is obviously excited by the fact that they're playing with a female gamer when one speaks up. I can't imagine how uncomfortable it must be for the female gamers to have to deal with that crap.
Every time I hear "You're a girl?" asked in voice chat, I just expect the next question to be "Will you be my girlfriend?!"

"Will you be my girlfriend?" is marginally better than "OMG marry me!"

Especially when they keep on about it (which thankfully has only happened to me once, and not in ESO). Whether it's supposed to be a joke or a serious expression of interest it's weird and going on and on about it only makes it worse.

Araneae6537 wrote: »

SilverBride wrote: »

I can usually tell what gender a player is by the things they say. I have been wrong but it's rare. I hate to attribute this to male and female stereotypes, but that does play into it.

I have asked before, but only after I've known someone awhile and just wasn't positive. Why would I care? Because I like to know who the person I'm friends with is.

I've also been asked and didn't feel anything negative by it.

I really don't understand why anyone would find this an offensive question.

Have you not had guys treat you differently after finding out? (I’m assuming from your forum name that you’re female!) It’s been a while and in a different game, but I’ve had it happen when I’ve joined voice chat, or people I had been friends with then treat me differently and there were problems, and then back when I used to rp the question was just one of several indicating misplaced irl interest. So, I wouldn’t be offended but I might feel very uncomfortable and probably find a reason to leave the situation and avoid that person/group in the future. I’m not saying that no one that I now game with knows I’m female, but it was learned organically and I mostly only play with people who don’t care anyway so then it’s fine. I hope that makes sense!

For what it's worth I haven't had anyone in ESO treat me differently as a result of finding out I'm a woman in real life. I can't remember anyone asking me directly but it comes up sometimes, especially in guild chat where people tend to mention bits of real-life info, or on the rare occasions I'm on voice chat.

Maybe it helps that I seem to end up in guilds with quite a few female members, including officers and sometimes leaders, but no one seems to think much of it. The biggest reaction I've had is someone taking a long look at my crafter and telling me they wouldn't expect a female player to make a character like that. (He's an older guy, a bit overweight and heavily scarred - it fits his retired soldier backstory but I guess it could be an odd choice.)

("Sadly" the rumours that female characters/players get given all kinds of free stuff seems to be untrue in ESO. )

Araneae6537

.

Toanis

When you feel uncomfortable with someone on the internet flirting with you, then say so (or say your GF doesn't like it.) Oherwise, does the player's gender matter? You'll never meet IRL. Unless you had some long out of character conversations, it's unlikely that it is someone of either gender who is genuinely interested in you, the player behind the monitor. They're most likely just roleplaying, so go as far as you're comfortable with, and if you think they're not the one, log off and you'll be done.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urNyg1ftMIU

ThorianB

SirAndy wrote: »

marshill88 wrote: »

... So because I know that most of the female characters I encounter online are males ...

I'm a dude who has 3 male chars and 4 female chars and the rest are cats.

And since you are "a student of psychology" here's a question for you:
Does that make me weird?

That you identify as an indiscriminate amount of cats? Yes, a bit but it's not the weirdest thing i have heard this week.

SickleCider

ThorianB wrote: »

SirAndy wrote: »

marshill88 wrote: »

... So because I know that most of the female characters I encounter online are males ...

I'm a dude who has 3 male chars and 4 female chars and the rest are cats.

And since you are "a student of psychology" here's a question for you:
Does that make me weird?

That you identify as an indiscriminate amount of cats? Yes, a bit but it's not the weirdest thing i have heard this week.

It's a little more conventional if they're wearing one big trenchcoat. 🐾 At least that way they can get into a movie theatre.

Agenericname

SirAndy wrote: »

marshill88 wrote: »

... So because I know that most of the female characters I encounter online are males ...

I'm a dude who has 3 male chars and 4 female chars and the rest are cats.

And since you are "a student of psychology" here's a question for you:
Does that make me weird?

What's kinda weird is people seem concerned, curious maybe a better word, if you're male or female, but nobody wants to know of you're really a khajiit or an argonisn.

Batgirl

The topic reminds me of
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISvFJw9JMlI XD
Actually people very rarely ask me if im girl or guy, nothing to be stressed about. I think its natural that they're curious, expecially guildmates or those i play more often with. And If they're total randoms hitting on my character in a creepy way, they can always go to ignore list :v
But i suppose it depends on the person's sensitivity.

xaraan

Anyone I consider "friend" level in the game I've played with in voice and usually would figure I'd know a decent amount about them, so never needed to ask anything like that.

I would think it's weird to just randomly ask someone something that really doesn't matter to me. If it's because you are just looking for a relationship, then maybe you should wait until things are past the point of having to ask someone that question before jumping into that train of thought.

Varangian_af_Scaniae

Of course you can ask about a players gender just as you can ask about where they come from, how old they are etc. It's then up to the player to answer or not. Why would you even ask about it? NEVER be afraid of offending people.

Varangian_af_Scaniae

spartaxoxo wrote: »

Also, as a lot of women create male characters specifically so they cannot be identified as females, I would not take expect a poll about that to accurately reflect females playing males.

Anyway I wouldn't bother to ask unless it comes up organically. I tend to refer to people by their avatar unless I'm told otherwise

Half of my toons are female does that mean I want to be identified as a women? Where do you get these ideas from?
Why would you refer to people by their avatar and not their account name? Having people call me Julia, Anna or Emma depending on which toon I'm playing with is kind of confusing. But hey that might be my fault, I should of course have named all my toons Varangian 1,2,3 etc.

spartaxoxo

Varangian_af_Scaniae wrote: »

spartaxoxo wrote: »

Also, as a lot of women create male characters specifically so they cannot be identified as females, I would not take expect a poll about that to accurately reflect females playing males.

Anyway I wouldn't bother to ask unless it comes up organically. I tend to refer to people by their avatar unless I'm told otherwise

Half of my toons are female does that mean I want to be identified as a women? Where do you get these ideas from?
Why would you refer to people by their avatar and not their account name? Having people call me Julia, Anna or Emma depending on which toon I'm playing with is kind of confusing. But hey that might be my fault, I should of course have named all my toons Varangian 1,2,3 etc.

I meant account name/main. And a woman making a male character so she cannot be identified as a woman, is a lot different than her actually being transgender.

I, like many women, have created male toons in the past to avoid sexism for being a female gamer. It's not that I identified as a man, it's that I didn't want certain sexist men to identify me as a woman. Now that I'm older I don't care and pretty much exclusively play female toons. But many women and girls, especially younger ones or ones with a lot of RL stress will engage in this practice. And many female gamers have either done this themselves or know of another woman who has done that.

Nestor

I never think to ask the gender of a person I know in game. When I do use Comms in a group setting, sometimes I am surprised by the actual gender of the player, sometimes I am not. However, it never matters. If I have fun with a person in text chat, I will have fun with them on voice chat.

Probably because I don't really flirt with anybody in the game, and the few times I do, it is obviously Tongue in Cheek and not to be taken seriously. Anyway, I treat everyone the same way.

Waffennacht

I know a ton of guys with female characters because they want to look at a female - not because they want to "play" as one.

So there's also that.

I find it weird anyone would automatically assume the rl gender based on a game.

Wayyyy too many factors.

TheImperfect

I have a person on my friends list who I've talked with several times briefly and have no idea whatsoever their gender. In the past you might have been able to guess a persons gender by some of the things they said relating to interests etc. but these days society is very mixed (as it should be) and so that makes it more difficult to ascertain. I think personally unless you really need to know for some reason, that it's not worth asking as it could possibly be taken the wrong way. I wouldn't be offended myself if asked and would just answer it. It's also possible the person you ask might not give you the honest answer. I think in most cases on a long enough time being friends you'll just find out somehow anyway.

Donari

marshill88 wrote: »

So because I know that most of the female characters I encounter online are males,

Well, you don't actually know this; the research is projecting, not directly and reliably measuring. Not that it should matter one bit, any more than it matters what gender an author is when you're reading a good book. Besides, gender is a more fluid concept these days. And, well, even if more than half the players are 'male' that doesn't mean more than half of the players you personally interact with are.

All that aside, I would err on the side of not asking. If you're good enough friends with someone for that information to be even vaguely relevant, it will come up in the course of conversation about daily life if you trust their honesty. Eg if they complain of monthly cramps, and you don't suspect them of some sort of long-term deceptiveness or self-protective hiding, they've probably got female plumbing. If you're just a casual acquaintance, it's entirely their business and if they want you to know, they'll volunteer the information.

It's the mind behind the pixels that matters, not the body shape. Would you focus on asking what color eyes or hair someone has? Or would that just not come up unless the conversation veered that way on its own?

Lugaldu

When I read all of these comments, I find it downright terrifying and sad that there seem to be real reasons that prevent women from identifying themselves as female players (male gamers start flirting, suddenly behave differently towards them, etc.). That assigned sex really does not matter, is obviously still a long way off.

Cirantille

It is just a myth by this time.

Seriously, there are just so many female gamers that it does not need a specific attention of "gamer girl" anymore. We need to be over this.

I don't ask people their genders, because it does not matter? I'll just treat them like human beings.

And if they call me "he" I dont bother correcting it either because who cares if they think I'm a male

Cirantille

Kiyakotari wrote: »

Here's a bigger thought provoker for you:

How many of the male characters are being played by women?

I do! I do!

I made two handsome bois to adventure with

Will do even a third one soon

Ps. I also know some female friends of mine have male characters too

Even two of them have male character as main

Klad

Asking for personal details is creepy, anyone that ask about your personal details motives should be questioned.

Klad

Toanis wrote: »

When you feel uncomfortable with someone on the internet flirting with you, then say so (or say your GF doesn't like it.) Oherwise, does the player's gender matter? You'll never meet IRL. Unless you had some long out of character conversations, it's unlikely that it is someone of either gender who is genuinely interested in you, the player behind the monitor. They're most likely just roleplaying, so go as far as you're comfortable with, and if you think they're not the one, log off and you'll be done.

Wow...that video did not age well.

SilverBride

Toanis wrote: »

You'll never meet IRL.

Some people have. I have even read of people getting married after meeting in an MMO.

maxjapank

Maybe a different take. But I have always let my daughter design and name my toons. And she was pretty much set on making female toons. She’s much older now, but she’s got a better eye and imagination than her dad, and it’s just something we’ve always shared together.

deleted008293

Personally as a player whom got himself through a lot of unpleasant experienced in the past, I think it is only fair to not lie about your irl gender, or age, especially when you are using that in your advantage.

For example, it is wrong to pretend you are a female IRL when you clearly are not and use that to gain specific advantages from unsuspecting players, such as in game items, gold, crowns, dungeon carries, trials carries, questing and grinding partner, attention, affection, time, etc... or go as far as asking for irl material advantages, or reccur to threats when you do not get what you wanted or you want more, or ghost your victim afterwards. Well that is wrong regardless of gender but abusing a person emotionally in order to gain such advantage is immoral.

You always have the option to separate your real life from virtual life and be reasonable about it and not turn it into toxicity, harassment, or drama and if you feel unconfortable to be treaten in a specific way, try to apply for a gender neutrality stating on a nice tone that you preffer not to disclosure and be jugdged by your real gender. Drama avoided. Same apply if you do not want to make unwanted friends.

And wanted to add here, harassing a person who clearly do not want to use a microphone or his or her IRL voice in a trial is just as wrong.

A bit more on topic, it is always nice to get to know those around you and get to avoid those whom might cause you some problems.

Elsonso

SirAndy wrote: »

marshill88 wrote: »

... So because I know that most of the female characters I encounter online are males ...

I'm a dude who has 3 male chars and 4 female chars and the rest are cats.

And since you are "a student of psychology" here's a question for you:
Does that make me weird?

Thanks for asking. Why, yes, it does. Cats? S.M.H.

scorpius2k1

Toanis wrote: »

You'll never meet IRL.

My 2 friends of over 4 years now would say differently. Met grinding dungeons in ESO and talking on Discord, then eventually we all decided to IRL after months of getting to know one another. I also have made several friends in other games over the years, we all have met and still do meetups every once in a while and go do something fun. It's not as common nowadays and especially in larger gaming communities maybe, but still happens more than many would think.

Norith_Gilheart_Flail

Not wrong. You're asking the individual to answer in terms they are happy to identify with.