Favorite NPC one-liners?

tinythinker

Misheard dialogue... "seal those buttholes".

(Actual dialogue... "seal those boltholes".

tinythinker

"Barring any unfortunate encounters with rough-hewn furniture, I'll be fit to travel after a bit of rest" - Rafillerion

tinythinker

"These damnable cultists bested me...

"One of their mages bound my soul to this doll and left me to spend eternity as this repulsively adorable plaything" - Heiruna Doll

"It's not every hero that stops t help a talking doll" - Heiruna the Merciless

Elvenheart

“Do you know how long I’ve been looking for you!?”

“Kyne preserve us, a vampire!”

“Your eyes are as lovely as muddy puddles.”

indigorune

Valymer wrote: »

I heard a woman NPC say one time, "Every girl has her price. Mine is 5 gold."

Yes! I heard this in a delve once. Poor girl--have some self-worth! Surely you're worth at LEAST 50k. xD

rei91

"Mara's crotch! They're summoning a great sea serpent on us!" - coming from an Altmer in a really frightened voice
And every time distressed NPC are swearing funny, usually paired with good voice acting...

Also I believe no one mentioned Rufinus here yet?
"This'll show them! Nobody pushes Rufinus around!"
<Talk to him more>
<Push Rufinus over the edge>
Oh the URGE to pick the pun option XD

And one from Darien in Hollow City:
"Look at this place! All fancy and formal. Everyone gathered, putting aside their differences to overcome a greater evil. How heroic! I expect this means that we're all going to die.
Heroically, of course."
I find it breaking forth wall a little, what with "an important someone always going to die in the final battle" cliché

Lady_Linux

do you know how long ive been looking for you? (for as long as you've chosen to be a stalker?)

tinythinker

Lady_Linux wrote: »

do you know how long ive been looking for you? (for as long as you've chosen to be a stalker?)

We need more Stugas

Lady_Linux

tinythinker wrote: »

Lady_Linux wrote: »

do you know how long ive been looking for you? (for as long as you've chosen to be a stalker?)

We need more Stugas

what about the guy in the rift... "i've been sent for you" how do these folks see me when im invisible? nb, hello... no one can see me...

tinythinker

Some new lines from Rigurt the Brash...

"Praying to catch fish, eh? Rigurt just uses a net."

___

"It's just like the Skald-King always says: you always find Rigurt at the heart of a problem!"

___

"Rigurt has overcome many trials that others said were hopeless. Like that time he fell in the latrine at Fort Amol!"

___

"Rigurt samples meats from all over Tamriel [...] But it was in Greenshade that Rigurt ate the finest cuts.

"I don't know what animal it came from, but Farethor said it honored the Pact!"

___

"Rigurt needs to taste this boar for himself. Nothing better than fresh hagraven squeezings!"

___

"Rigurt is glad to see you friend. This place makes his armpit hairs stand up."

tinythinker

Most of my favorite dialogue in Western Skyrim has come from the merchants of Solitude. Like, they've got some quest-worthy *** going on...

Here's Storm Blade-Bard, weaponsmith:

"Here to buy? Sell? I'm here to sell! Buy!

"Oh, that sounded better in my head. No wonder the Bards College didn't take me."

- - -

"Poke them, slice them, bleed the, dry. With Strom's* blades they'll ne'er know why!

"No, that doesn't work either. I'd want the person I'm killing to know why."

(*The text does say Strom, but the name is written as Storm on the NPC... *shrug*)

- - -

"Fear enveloped her for the first time in her life. "No!" she said to Lord... Lord Killsalot? Ah, horker's arse. I can't remember the next part.

"Um, buy my blades. Lord Killsalot would approve."

Vinicius Maximus, mystic:

"I saw a line of skeevers leaving a ship in an orderly fashion the other day. When I told one of the locals, she gasped and ran off. Now I'm worried about her."

- - -

"I'm supposed to be far away from here, yet I'm not. Instead I sell things so that I might one day leave this place. Please consider buying something?"

Medresi Grulathil, tailor:

"I feel like someone's watching me. I have ever since I got here. It's unsettling.

"But you're probably here to buy clothes, right?"

- - -

"Thank goodness you're here. Would you mind sticking around for a bit? I think something bad's about to happen.

"Plus, it never hurts to see what outfits I'm selling."

- - -

"You ever hear about someone cursed to have draugr follow them? Because I think that's happening to me.

"Oh. You're probably thinking I should pull myself together and sell clothing. So sorry."

Fanenrel, leatherworker:

"I'm not normally one to put feelings over reason, but it feels like someone's dancing on my grave. Again."

Yrsrytt, armorer:

"I hear the basement of the Blue Palace has a new ghost! A couple months ago, one of the kitchen staff fell down, hit her head, and died.

"Oh, but probably want to buy some armor, don't you?"

- - -

"Some Bards College students try to sneal into the Blue Palace every now and again. Last week, one of them hinted that they'd buy lockpicks if I had them.

"Here's a hint: I don't have lockpicks."

I listen to these dialogues and wait for a new quest text and swoosh to happen...

tinythinker

yes

yes i can

tinythinker

I'm nominating every Reach line as a favorite for the Markath DLC due to the Scottish accents.

Still, this line from a visiting altmer did grab my attention...

"I feel like every day, reality stabs me in the gut with nonsense yet again" - Linwuuruben

tinythinker

Light as a feather spoiler...

"You have a problem with me and Sai spending quality time together killing Grey Host vampires?"

*glares*

My character: Uhhh... no ma'am.

majulook

Help! Someone is disrespecting other peoples property! -Felari in Rawl'kha if she catches you stealing something.

Note: Felar is the one who takes care of the small chapel to the northwest of the city, where she is usually found praying.

FrancisCrawford

n0tthesun wrote: »

Valymer wrote: »

I heard a woman NPC say one time, "Every girl has her price. Mine is 5 gold."

Yes! I heard this in a delve once. Poor girl--have some self-worth! Surely you're worth at LEAST 50k. xD

There are a lot of delve standards, including (all quotes approximate):

"The pretty one. The one with a beard."

"That's not soup; that's my laundry."

"They say money is the root of all evil. Everybody needs to have roots."

EdmondDontes

"No charge to have a look" - Said by vendor in Mournhold

tinythinker

"I can assure you, Wood Elves are not made of wood" - Tinzen, Bosmer daily quest giver in Solitude

Elvenheart

tinythinker wrote: »

Most of my favorite dialogue in Western Skyrim has come from the merchants of Solitude. Like, they've got some quest-worthy *** going on...

Here's Storm Blade-Bard, weaponsmith:

"Here to buy? Sell? I'm here to sell! Buy!

"Oh, that sounded better in my head. No wonder the Bards College didn't take me."

- - -

"Poke them, slice them, bleed the, dry. With Strom's* blades they'll ne'er know why!

"No, that doesn't work either. I'd want the person I'm killing to know why."

(*The text does say Strom, but the name is written as Storm on the NPC... *shrug*)

- - -

"Fear enveloped her for the first time in her life. "No!" she said to Lord... Lord Killsalot? Ah, horker's arse. I can't remember the next part.

"Um, buy my blades. Lord Killsalot would approve."

Vinicius Maximus, mystic:

"I saw a line of skeevers leaving a ship in an orderly fashion the other day. When I told one of the locals, she gasped and ran off. Now I'm worried about her."

- - -

"I'm supposed to be far away from here, yet I'm not. Instead I sell things so that I might one day leave this place. Please consider buying something?"

Medresi Grulathil, tailor:

"I feel like someone's watching me. I have ever since I got here. It's unsettling.

"But you're probably here to buy clothes, right?"

- - -

"Thank goodness you're here. Would you mind sticking around for a bit? I think something bad's about to happen.

"Plus, it never hurts to see what outfits I'm selling."

- - -

"You ever hear about someone cursed to have draugr follow them? Because I think that's happening to me.

"Oh. You're probably thinking I should pull myself together and sell clothing. So sorry."

Fanenrel, leatherworker:

"I'm not normally one to put feelings over reason, but it feels like someone's dancing on my grave. Again."

Yrsrytt, armorer:

"I hear the basement of the Blue Palace has a new ghost! A couple months ago, one of the kitchen staff fell down, hit her head, and died.

"Oh, but probably want to buy some armor, don't you?"

- - -

"Some Bards College students try to sneal into the Blue Palace every now and again. Last week, one of them hinted that they'd buy lockpicks if I had them.

"Here's a hint: I don't have lockpicks."

I listen to these dialogues and wait for a new quest text and swoosh to happen...

I think the tailor dropped their journal not too far from Solitude, which elaborates on those musings. Nice touch! 🙂

tinythinker

"For the record, this plan sounds like a symphony of horker farts" - Lyris Titanborn

tinythinker

Still loving the dialogue for the Naga-Kur dailies:

"The Naga-Kur do not hug or show any kind of affection toward outsiders. Instead, take this reward and go away" - Bolu

zaria

Well M'aiq the Liar has many like: Sea elves are not made of water and Wood elves are not made of wood.
M'aiq one is not sure about high elves.


I found this amusing, she is an weapon trader in Hollow city crafting area.

The cool part is that the Dunmer has an reply

tinythinker

Too busy to post them last month, but the Jester's Festival added some great lines this year. Especially the new King Boar material. Sometimes it was the line, sometimes the way it was delivered. A few examples:

"Who wants to eat their weight in apple mush?" - Arena Handler

"Here, my lord! The finest swill in all the land!" - Arena Handler

"Oof. Stink, stinky! Just like you like it" - Arena Handler

The best/worst though was the Khajiit who made cider talking about the unique aroma her feet provided.

tinythinker

Then there is this spoiler-free gem from the Blackwood PTS...

"He has the self-preservation instincts of warm bread." - Bastian Hallix

phantasmalD

One really memorable encounter to me is Gwannor who is praying next to Elden Root Temple Wayshrine. He cannot be talked to be but if you harvest the nearby wood node he says 'Yes, scorn my beliefs in front of me. I don't mind.' or 'No, I don't mind, keep chopping.'
It never fails to make me smile, such a dope little interaction.

Beardimus

_its doesn't cost to have a look_

pleximus

Do you know how long I've been looking for you?

Athan1

When the werewolf duke thanks you for agreeing to let him see off his family before you kill him:
"Delicious, thank you."

scorpius2k1

Thjordic Four-Thumbed, the Nord Mage in Mournhold Outlaws Refuge.

"Illusions, even botched illusions, have their benefits. For example, I can tell what you're wondering, and the answer is—yes! I am completely naked"

tinythinker

"You have all the thieving skills of a dead mudcrab" - Tonas Drin (Dunmer Priest NPC)