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Which is the most amusing book you read in ESO?
FlaviusVoyage
✭✭✭✭
I read a book that I liked a lot because it shows the level of detail ESO puts into the game. The book is called "I was Summoned by a Mortal". It tells a tale of an unlucky Daedra summoned by... well, you will see. I added a spoiler tag below just in case someone is interested in reading it.
Back to the question: Which book has entertained you the most in the game?
"For as long as I can remember—and like all Dremora my memory is keen, especially for grievances—I have faithfully served the officers of my clan, and through them, My Lord Molag Bal. And yet not always: for once, to my shame, I was compelled to serve another.
I was on guard duty at the Endless Stair, an assignment I always enjoy, for I can mock and torment the passing Soul Shriven without being held responsible for them meeting their quotas. Leaping out from behind a claw-pillar while shouting, "There you are, weakling!" just never loses its appeal.
I was lurking behind a Dark Anchor chain link, preparing to terrify an approaching Soul Shriven by suddenly knocking her down and sneering, "No match at all," when I suddenly felt a strange tingling all over, from my horns down to my toes. I grew dizzy as the plane spun around me, nearly fell into a pool of blue plasm, and then suddenly felt myself hurled into an endless black void.
I wasn't alarmed at first, because who hasn't been hurled into an endless black void? It wasn't until I began to materialize at my destination and got a taste of the air that I had my first misgivings. "I smell ... weakness," I said to myself—and I couldn't have been more right. It was then that I first heard the voice of my Conjurer as he said, "Ah, this one looks fairly robust," and the full horror of my situation broke upon me. For I had been summoned to do the bidding ... of a mortal.
I turned, aghast, to see who had dared summon me across the infinities to Nirn, and found myself faced with a tall Elf of Summerset. Oh, I recognized the type: I'd abused more than a few Altmeri Soul Shriven in my time, and with gusto, for they evince a haughty arrogance entirely inappropriate in mere mortals. This one gave me a brief, appraising look, and then turned away, saying, "Follow and fight. There are Worm Cultists that need slaying."
Worm Cultists. Can you imagine the ignominy, fellow kyn? Not only had I been conjured away from my duty by one of the hated Elven mortals, but I must serve him by slaying the minions of Mannimarco, our Dread Lord's lieutenant and viceroy-to-be! I tried to resist, flexing my indomitable will, but the mortal mage's binding spell was too strong—all I could do was say, "No one escapes!" and follow him past a pair of torches into a subterranean maze of tunnels.
"You serve the great Vanus Galerion, Dremora," my Conjurer announced, quite unnecessarily—for what need had I to know the name of my slavemaster? But then I reconsidered, and mentally added his name to that long list each of us keeps: the list labeled, "Vengeance."
I followed, not deigning to crouch when my Conjurer hunched over to sneak, merely glaring at him and thinking, "I will feast upon your heart." In truth, however, it was as well that I had this Elf Vanus to follow, for the tunnels were many and twisting, and though we Dremora are fearless, relentless, and unparalleled among warriors throughout Oblivion, our sense of direction is rather poor. When doing courier duty, I've been known to lose my way right in the middle of the Moonless Walk and wind up back at the Lightless Oubliette where I started.
In time this Vanus began to pause frequently, listening, which only increased my irritation and impatience. Finally he stopped, with a "Shh!" to me—which was completely unfair, as I hadn't said a word. But I realized why he'd stopped when I suddenly heard human speech from the tunnel ahead. Hesitating nary an instant, I drew my greatsword and rushed forward, crying "A challenger is near!" The Elf cursed and followed, but he had only himself to blame—I was following his orders exactly.
The next minute passed in the red fury that all true Dremora feel when they enter battle. But my usual enjoyment of bloody slaughter was tainted by the knowledge that I was killing those my Dread Lord would prefer I didn't, and frankly, that just ruined the whole experience for me. As I lopped off the limbs and heads of the Worm Cultists, I was aware of the energies of the Elf's powerful magics crackling past me, incinerating the more distant enemies, but I was too mortified to enjoy the *** of destruction. The Elf came striding up as I subdivided the final Worm Anchorite, gloating, "So much for them. Take that, Mannimarco!"
"There could be no other end," I replied sourly, then felt the strange tingling again as the conjuration that had brought me to Nirn began to weaken. As the bonds dissolved I took one menacing step toward the Elf, but then the plane spun around me again, and it was back into the endless black void.
When I came to my senses I was lying in a pool of turquoise slime, looking up at the smiling face of my superior, Kynreeve Xalxorkig. "So, Zzedenkathik," he snarled, "straying from your post when on duty, eh? It's the scathe-rings for you, my lad!"
"But, Kynreeve," I cried, leaping to attention, "I couldn't help it! I was conjured, summoned to Nirn—by a mortal!"
Xalxorkig smiled even wider. "And that'll be an extra shift scathing for telling such a hornless lie. Now march, Zzedenkathik," he shouted, thumping me with his truncheon. "Left, right, left, right, left, right ..."
I hate it when Xalxorkig smiles. Kynreeve or not, his name's going on my list."
I was on guard duty at the Endless Stair, an assignment I always enjoy, for I can mock and torment the passing Soul Shriven without being held responsible for them meeting their quotas. Leaping out from behind a claw-pillar while shouting, "There you are, weakling!" just never loses its appeal.
I was lurking behind a Dark Anchor chain link, preparing to terrify an approaching Soul Shriven by suddenly knocking her down and sneering, "No match at all," when I suddenly felt a strange tingling all over, from my horns down to my toes. I grew dizzy as the plane spun around me, nearly fell into a pool of blue plasm, and then suddenly felt myself hurled into an endless black void.
I wasn't alarmed at first, because who hasn't been hurled into an endless black void? It wasn't until I began to materialize at my destination and got a taste of the air that I had my first misgivings. "I smell ... weakness," I said to myself—and I couldn't have been more right. It was then that I first heard the voice of my Conjurer as he said, "Ah, this one looks fairly robust," and the full horror of my situation broke upon me. For I had been summoned to do the bidding ... of a mortal.
I turned, aghast, to see who had dared summon me across the infinities to Nirn, and found myself faced with a tall Elf of Summerset. Oh, I recognized the type: I'd abused more than a few Altmeri Soul Shriven in my time, and with gusto, for they evince a haughty arrogance entirely inappropriate in mere mortals. This one gave me a brief, appraising look, and then turned away, saying, "Follow and fight. There are Worm Cultists that need slaying."
Worm Cultists. Can you imagine the ignominy, fellow kyn? Not only had I been conjured away from my duty by one of the hated Elven mortals, but I must serve him by slaying the minions of Mannimarco, our Dread Lord's lieutenant and viceroy-to-be! I tried to resist, flexing my indomitable will, but the mortal mage's binding spell was too strong—all I could do was say, "No one escapes!" and follow him past a pair of torches into a subterranean maze of tunnels.
"You serve the great Vanus Galerion, Dremora," my Conjurer announced, quite unnecessarily—for what need had I to know the name of my slavemaster? But then I reconsidered, and mentally added his name to that long list each of us keeps: the list labeled, "Vengeance."
I followed, not deigning to crouch when my Conjurer hunched over to sneak, merely glaring at him and thinking, "I will feast upon your heart." In truth, however, it was as well that I had this Elf Vanus to follow, for the tunnels were many and twisting, and though we Dremora are fearless, relentless, and unparalleled among warriors throughout Oblivion, our sense of direction is rather poor. When doing courier duty, I've been known to lose my way right in the middle of the Moonless Walk and wind up back at the Lightless Oubliette where I started.
In time this Vanus began to pause frequently, listening, which only increased my irritation and impatience. Finally he stopped, with a "Shh!" to me—which was completely unfair, as I hadn't said a word. But I realized why he'd stopped when I suddenly heard human speech from the tunnel ahead. Hesitating nary an instant, I drew my greatsword and rushed forward, crying "A challenger is near!" The Elf cursed and followed, but he had only himself to blame—I was following his orders exactly.
The next minute passed in the red fury that all true Dremora feel when they enter battle. But my usual enjoyment of bloody slaughter was tainted by the knowledge that I was killing those my Dread Lord would prefer I didn't, and frankly, that just ruined the whole experience for me. As I lopped off the limbs and heads of the Worm Cultists, I was aware of the energies of the Elf's powerful magics crackling past me, incinerating the more distant enemies, but I was too mortified to enjoy the *** of destruction. The Elf came striding up as I subdivided the final Worm Anchorite, gloating, "So much for them. Take that, Mannimarco!"
"There could be no other end," I replied sourly, then felt the strange tingling again as the conjuration that had brought me to Nirn began to weaken. As the bonds dissolved I took one menacing step toward the Elf, but then the plane spun around me again, and it was back into the endless black void.
When I came to my senses I was lying in a pool of turquoise slime, looking up at the smiling face of my superior, Kynreeve Xalxorkig. "So, Zzedenkathik," he snarled, "straying from your post when on duty, eh? It's the scathe-rings for you, my lad!"
"But, Kynreeve," I cried, leaping to attention, "I couldn't help it! I was conjured, summoned to Nirn—by a mortal!"
Xalxorkig smiled even wider. "And that'll be an extra shift scathing for telling such a hornless lie. Now march, Zzedenkathik," he shouted, thumping me with his truncheon. "Left, right, left, right, left, right ..."
I hate it when Xalxorkig smiles. Kynreeve or not, his name's going on my list."
Back to the question: Which book has entertained you the most in the game?
4
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GilGalad✭✭✭✭✭By far the humor of the wood elfs!
Full text:Collected by Telenger the Artificer
Vulkwasten, widely known for its fermented beverages, is home to some of the friendliest Bosmer I’ve ever met. Like most of their kind, they are industrious and get along well with most people. After completing research into their brewing methods, I stayed overnight with a local family.
As a historian, I realize one can learn much about a culture by studying its humor. Therefore, I copied down several of their witticisms for future examination. Perhaps by considering their amusements, we will gain further insight into the mind of the Bosmer.
A skeleton walks into the tavern and says, "I’d like some rotmeth. And a mop."
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.
Q. What’s brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Person One: Ask me if I’m a tree.
Person Two: Are you a tree?
Person One: No.
Q. Which side of a raven has the most feathers?
A. The outside.
Q. What has three heads, is ugly, and smells?
A. My mistake! You don’t have three heads!
Q. What’s light as a feather, but cannot be held for very long?
A. Breath.
Q. Imagine your boat’s sinking in slaughterfish-infested waters. How do you survive?
A. Stop imagining!
Q. Why do thunderbugs eat raw meat?
A. They never learned to cook.
Q. Why do bees buzz?
A. Because they can’t whistle.5 -
FlaviusVoyage✭✭✭✭By far the humor of the wood elfs!
Full text:Collected by Telenger the Artificer
Vulkwasten, widely known for its fermented beverages, is home to some of the friendliest Bosmer I’ve ever met. Like most of their kind, they are industrious and get along well with most people. After completing research into their brewing methods, I stayed overnight with a local family.
As a historian, I realize one can learn much about a culture by studying its humor. Therefore, I copied down several of their witticisms for future examination. Perhaps by considering their amusements, we will gain further insight into the mind of the Bosmer.
A skeleton walks into the tavern and says, "I’d like some rotmeth. And a mop."
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.
Q. What’s brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Person One: Ask me if I’m a tree.
Person Two: Are you a tree?
Person One: No.
Q. Which side of a raven has the most feathers?
A. The outside.
Q. What has three heads, is ugly, and smells?
A. My mistake! You don’t have three heads!
Q. What’s light as a feather, but cannot be held for very long?
A. Breath.
Q. Imagine your boat’s sinking in slaughterfish-infested waters. How do you survive?
A. Stop imagining!
Q. Why do thunderbugs eat raw meat?
A. They never learned to cook.
Q. Why do bees buzz?
A. Because they can’t whistle.
OMG, this is great!
Especially:
"Q. What has three heads, is ugly, and smells?
A. My mistake! You don’t have three heads!"
"Q. Imagine your boat’s sinking in slaughterfish-infested waters. How do you survive?
A. Stop imagining!"
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starkerealm✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭How to Win a Fight or The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition (which isn't particularly funny until you notice it's written by Telenger).Edited by starkerealm on April 7, 2017 3:47PM2 -
Magdalina✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭o: Dammit, OP. I opened this thread with intention of posting "I was summoned by a mortal" but you beat me to it!
I remember dat bosmer humour too. "What's brown and sticky? - A stick!" I know it's super dumb but I just can't stop laughing at this one lol. 3 -
IronCrystal✭✭✭✭✭
✭WabbajackMake PC NA raiding great again!
Down with drama!
What Mechanics Healer - Dro-m'Athra Destroyer
Homestead Raid Scores
vHRC 157,030
vAA 138,287
vSO 153,393
vMoL 154,550
Not raiding in Morrowind0 -
Tan9oSuccka✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭The Lusty Argonian Maid, vol 1 and 2. I also enjoy Pocket rules for kick the Khajiit.
1 -
FlaviusVoyage✭✭✭✭starkerealm wrote: »How to Win a Fight or The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition (which isn't particularly funny until you notice it's written by Telenger).
The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition????
I confess that I opened the link right away, expecting something else!
0 -
Runschei✭✭✭✭✭
✭FlaviusVoyage wrote: »starkerealm wrote: »How to Win a Fight or The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition (which isn't particularly funny until you notice it's written by Telenger).
The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition????
I confess that I opened the link right away, expecting something else!
Naughty boy 0 -
BadArgonian✭✭FlaviusVoyage wrote: »starkerealm wrote: »How to Win a Fight or The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition (which isn't particularly funny until you notice it's written by Telenger).
The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition????
I confess that I opened the link right away, expecting something else!
Naughty boy 0 -
starkerealm✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭FlaviusVoyage wrote: »starkerealm wrote: »How to Win a Fight or The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition (which isn't particularly funny until you notice it's written by Telenger).
The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition????
I confess that I opened the link right away, expecting something else!
Yes, they do that on purpose.
0 -
FlaviusVoyage✭✭✭✭starkerealm wrote: »FlaviusVoyage wrote: »starkerealm wrote: »How to Win a Fight or The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition (which isn't particularly funny until you notice it's written by Telenger).
The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition????
I confess that I opened the link right away, expecting something else!
Yes, they do that on purpose.
Why do I keep falling for that?
0 -
starkerealm✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭FlaviusVoyage wrote: »starkerealm wrote: »FlaviusVoyage wrote: »starkerealm wrote: »How to Win a Fight or The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition (which isn't particularly funny until you notice it's written by Telenger).
The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition????
I confess that I opened the link right away, expecting something else!
Yes, they do that on purpose.
Why do I keep falling for that?
Because Telenger is a perv.3 -
Balad✭FlaviusVoyage wrote: »starkerealm wrote: »FlaviusVoyage wrote: »starkerealm wrote: »How to Win a Fight or The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition (which isn't particularly funny until you notice it's written by Telenger).
The Argonian Maid - An Oral Tradition????
I confess that I opened the link right away, expecting something else!
Yes, they do that on purpose.
Why do I keep falling for that?
You are funny LOL0 -
Balamoor✭✭✭✭✭
✭Yeah it's got to be humor of the wood elves.
That is in the top TES lore books period.0 -
rotaugen454✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭Has anyone seen a PDF file of all the books in the game? I found one for Skyrim, and it was something like 1000 pages and had every book in the game. Of course, it was a quick read, as most of it wasn't condensed text."Get off my lawn!"0 -
rotaugen454✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭I found an e-pub version someone made.
https://www.imperial-library.info/content/i-would-create-ebook-versions-well-how-about-everything-start#comment-22342"Get off my lawn!"0 -
Alpheu5✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭Fair Argonian Maiden.Come, my lad, let us speak
Come, fair maid, let us talk
Scale to scale
Tip to tail
Fair maiden
Hist-maiden
And sap-drenched ladDalek-Rok - Argonian Sorcerer || Dalek-Shād - Argonian Nightblade || Dalek-Shul - Argonian Templar || Dalek-Xal - Argonian Dragonknight || Mounts-the-Snout - Argonian Warden || Dalek-Xul - Argonian Necromancer || Two-Spires - Argonian Arcanist || Dalek-Nesh - Argonian Sorcerer || Dalek-Kör - Argonian DragonknightJudas Helviaryn wrote: »Don't incorporate bugs into your builds, and you won't have [an] issue.0 -
rotaugen454✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭Holy smokes, the e-pub of all the ESO books is 5200 pages!"Get off my lawn!"0 -
thrillho5000✭✭Why We Farm, a book found in Tomb of the Apostates. It's serious Bosmer business, but taken out of context, it's asinine... though in context it's still pretty stupid. Just avoid funerals and buy imported tomatoes on the sly, dummy!Main: Thavrin of Ill Omen
Class: screwup Dual-Wield Stamblade DPS/Tank hybrid, aka "The Near-Death Experience"0 -
Tornaad✭✭✭✭✭
✭rotaugen454 wrote: »Holy smokes, the e-pub of all the ESO books is 5200 pages!
That brings up something that has puzzled me for the longest time.
With all of the books in the Elder Scrolls games ... where are all of the printing presses?
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Fallen_Ray✭✭✭✭✭Books in ESO feel dull and lacking. Books with a greater plot those you find in Morrowind, Oblivion & Skyrim"Dear brother, I do not spread rumors, I create them"- Lucien Lachance0
