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Unofficial ESO Joke thread
RAGUNAnoOne
✭✭✭✭✭
✭
✭
Since @ZOS_AntonioP asked for it here it is
Antonio's joke:
Orc: "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
Breton: "Have you seen a healer?"
Orc: "No, just spots."
My lame joke:
Why does everyone lust for Argonian Maids?
Because you always get some tail
Let's hear yours.
Antonio's joke:
Orc: "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
Breton: "Have you seen a healer?"
Orc: "No, just spots."
My lame joke:
Why does everyone lust for Argonian Maids?
Because you always get some tail
Let's hear yours.
PS4 NA
Argonian Master Race
PAWS (Positively Against Wrip-off Stuff) - Say No to Crown Crates!
Support Tail armor and tail ribbons: http://forums.elderscrollsonline.com/en/discussion/236333/concept-tail-armor-for-beast-races#latest
http://forums.elderscrollsonline.com/en/discussion/246134/request-dyeable-tail-ribbons
Argonian Master Race
PAWS (Positively Against Wrip-off Stuff) - Say No to Crown Crates!
Support Tail armor and tail ribbons: http://forums.elderscrollsonline.com/en/discussion/236333/concept-tail-armor-for-beast-races#latest
http://forums.elderscrollsonline.com/en/discussion/246134/request-dyeable-tail-ribbons
14
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IrishGirlGamer✭✭✭✭✭
✭I was JUST about to start this thread!
I will accept @ZOS_AntonioP's challenge. I'm sure I will embarrass myself in the process. You've been warned.
Joke 1:
A large Khajiit was having trouble sleeping, so he went to visit a healer. Reclining on the couch, he explained his problem to the healer:
"This one has problems sleeping. I close my eyes ......... and nothing happens."
The healer looks at the Khajiit for a long time. "Why the big pause?"
Joke 2:
(Sorry, Zenimax!)
Pickup line overheard in a Daggerfall Bar:
"My name is ESO. Can I crash at you your place tonight?"
Edited by IrishGirlGamer on November 30, 2016 10:18PMValar Morghulis.
Someday I'm going to put a sword through your eye and out the back of your skull. Arya Stark
You're going to die tomorrow, Lord Bolton. Sleep well. Sansa Stark
If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. Desmond Tutu22 -
Tryxus✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭Why is the Khajiit sneaking around the apothecary?
So that he doesn't wake the sleeping powder"Stand strong, stay true and shelter all."
Tryxus - Guardian of the Green - Warden - PC/EU5 -
Shader_Shibes✭✭✭✭✭
✭A khajiit walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has seen his family, the bartender says "You will have to look elsewhere" (Elsweyr)
Edited by Shader_Shibes on November 30, 2016 10:27PM13 -
Brokensocket✭✭✭Knock knock
Whos there?
Draugr motif pages
Draugr motif pages who?
Lol just joking keep doing dailies for crap white foodPSN: Spaztik_896 -
Sunver✭✭✭There are few by me, not funny at all, but whatever
A scumbag, thief, criminal and murderer walk(s) into a bar:
-"Mister Tharn, you may leave now" says the bartender.
Why Molag Bal failed to win vestige to his side?
-Because his anchoring technique was flawed.
Two cannibals are cooking unlucky khajiit they've found. One says:
-Hey, don't roll him that fast, he'll cook bad!
-Yeah, right! That's khajiit you dummy, if I roll him any slower, he'll steal our coal!
Snowlilly, have you placed the poster we're looking for a bodyguard for our caravan?
-Yes my lord!
-Any results?
-Of course, we've been robbed last night!
What are the first words you hear after a night of study in the Mages Guild, when you find yourself floating in the air with thousands of sweet rolls around?
-Curse you Mad God!When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;
What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?
For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.
O LORD our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth!8 -
Mettaricana✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭Husband: Honey put the cat out
Wife: shoves husband outside
Husband: this one is not the cat!?!?
Altmer Guy: so what happened to your last boyfriend?
Bosmer girl: he left a bad taste in my mouth.
Khajiit: this one has wares to wear of you have coin?
Nord: this fur coat is nice where did you get such quality?
Khajiit: this one had enemies once.... but not anymore.
Nord: are... these..?
Khajiit: this one has discount for those who don't ask questions.
Orc:this mead tastes like troll ***!!
Nord: aye how do you know what troll *** tastes like?
Orc: ..............
10 -
Kram8ion✭✭✭✭✭
✭How many night blades does it take to screw in a ligh
Incap strike
Vipers
Aussie lag is real!6 -
FLuFFyxMuFFiN✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭Mettaricana wrote: »Altmer Guy: so what happened to your last boyfriend?
Bosmer girl: he left a bad taste in my mouth.
Oh I can only imagine what people who don't know the lore behind this must be thinking
10 -
LMar✭✭✭✭✭
✭Ohh I was going to create the same thread. Anyways, here it the joke from before:
-Why do Argonians make good scholars?
-Because they know their HISTory!
and a new one
-How do you make a Wood Elf taller?
-You feed him skooma and make him into a HIGH Elf!
(Get it, High! Ahaha ? XD)"If a stick of fish is a fish stick, it will stick like other fish sticks stick"
"Taller races now sit in chairs correctly"9 -
Yolokin_Swagonborn✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭Q: What is the difference between Crown Crates and Las Vegas?
A: Las Vegas is actually required by the Nevada Gaming Commission to publish the odds of winning for all gaming activities, to certify those odds by calibrating and testing every machine (including digital machines) periodically, and also contributes financially to Gambling Addiction Rehabilitation programs.Edited by Yolokin_Swagonborn on November 30, 2016 11:01PM22 -
GreenSoup2HoT✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭Heres my joke.
Your mama so fat, when she created a new character... HER INVENTORY ALREADY FULL! PS4 NA DC9 -
Tryxus✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭Do you know why the campaign is called "Trueflame"?
Cuz Death Recaps are full of "Eye of Flame""Stand strong, stay true and shelter all."
Tryxus - Guardian of the Green - Warden - PC/EU1 -
Publius_Scipio✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭The joke is that ZOS loves all these streamers and players like Jules, Kevduit, Sypher, Pink Mav Latex Show, etc etc.... Where everything is all about fresh cut flowers, baby bunnies, and hearts kisses and hugs. But Scipio.... Completely FORSAKEN!!!!! I came here and gave of myself to the Alliance War!!!! I have left my blood all over Cyrodiil in buckets! I have crawled on all fours through the muddy pools surrounding BRK as Pact and elves stabbed me over and over and over!
I never used engines of cheating. I have never used addons. I fight with the purity of what ZOS hands me! But alas no love for Scipio....1 -
Tryxus✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭How do the 10 races chop down a tree?
Altmer: Will use a Levitation Spell to rip it out of the ground, then boast about his/her magical talents
Argonian: Will worship the tree instead
Bosmer: Obeys the Green Pact and will slay anyone who dares to harm the tree
Breton: Chops it down with a regular axe, cuz they're a boring race
Dunmer: Gets his/her Argonian slaves to do it for him/her
Imperial: Tries the diplomatic approach and attempts to convince the tree to chop itself down
Khajiit: This one prefers to run up the tree, then complain that this one can't get down
Nord: Is too drunk from all that mead to chop it down, so he/she will instead pee against it and then be merrily on his/her way
Orc: Rams it headfirst
Redguard: What makes you think a Redguard can chop down a tree? Have you seen any in the Alik'r desert?"Stand strong, stay true and shelter all."
Tryxus - Guardian of the Green - Warden - PC/EU10 -
disintegr8✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭Why does an Argonian make a good lover?
Because he does good breaststroke.Australian on PS4 NA server.
Everyone's entitled to an opinion.4 -
RAGUNAnoOne✭✭✭✭✭
✭disintegr8 wrote: »Why does an Argonian make a good lover?
Because he does good breaststroke.
And is really good at erecting spines PS4 NA
Argonian Master Race
PAWS (Positively Against Wrip-off Stuff) - Say No to Crown Crates!
Support Tail armor and tail ribbons: http://forums.elderscrollsonline.com/en/discussion/236333/concept-tail-armor-for-beast-races#latest
http://forums.elderscrollsonline.com/en/discussion/246134/request-dyeable-tail-ribbons3 -
Mettaricana✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭GreenSoup2HoT wrote: »Heres my joke.
Your mama so fat, when she created a new character... HER INVENTORY ALREADY FULL!
Yo mamma so fat she filled the crown crafting bag4 -
Mettaricana✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭Yo mamma is like vivec she likes molag bals in her mouth.
Lore junkies would love this
Apologies if its to pg134 -
JD2013✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭Rohamad_Ali wrote: »This is the most balanced update ever .
It's always heartwarming to see how much you enjoy this game Sweetrolls for all!
Christophe Mottierre - Breton Templar with his own whole darn estate! Templar Houses are so 2015. EU DC
PC Beta Tester January 2014
Elder of The Black
Order of Sithis
The Runners
@TamrielTraverse - For Tamriel related Twitter shenanigans!
https://tamrieltraveller.wordpress.com/
Crafting bag OP! ZOS nerf pls!0 -
runagate✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭[ snip ]
Hello everyone,
Since there is already an Official ESO Joke thread on the News & Website Articles Discussions forum on the topic, we've gone ahead and closed this thread. Please feel free to discuss feedback on the already created Official Thread on the matter. It'll be much easier to track everyone's feedback while it's all on one thread, rather than all spread out.
Thank you for understanding!
Edited by runagate on December 1, 2016 2:45AM8 -
Rohamad_Ali✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭Rohamad_Ali wrote: »This is the most balanced update ever .
It's always heartwarming to see how much you enjoy this game 1 -
pewbis✭✭How do the 10 races chop down a tree?
Altmer: Will use a Levitation Spell to rip it out of the ground, then boast about his/her magical talents
Argonian: Will worship the tree instead
Bosmer: Obeys the Green Pact and will slay anyone who dares to harm the tree
Breton: Chops it down with a regular axe, cuz they're a boring race
Dunmer: Gets his/her Argonian slaves to do it for him/her
Imperial: Tries the diplomatic approach and attempts to convince the tree to chop itself down
Khajiit: This one prefers to run up the tree, then complain that this one can't get down
Nord: Is too drunk from all that mead to chop it down, so he/she will instead pee against it and then be merrily on his/her way
Orc: Rams it headfirst
Redguard: What makes you think a Redguard can chop down a tree? Have you seen any in the Alik'r desert?
Maybe the reason there are no trees in the desert is because the redguards are TOO good at chopping trees...2
