Midyear Mayhem Humor

DeeJayMoss · January 2020

spartaxoxo wrote: »

I was in battlegrounds for under 50s. An enemy player that was very low level kept trying to heal me to death, even though i was ignoring him, while strafing back and forth. I just grabbed his relic and left.

I wish there was battlegrounds for over 50s. I'm hopeless at PvP, even though I love it, and my reflexes aren't what they used to be

Ilithyania · January 2020

DarcyMardin wrote: »

The joke is me. I suck at PvP and I almost never go to Cyrodiil. But for some odd reason I love these MM events. I slap on whatever impen armor sets I have stashed away and respec for heals & buffs and slot some immovable portions (that I usually forget to use). Then I join the zerg.

I’m a super easy target because 1. I have no idea what I’m doing, and 2. I throw myself into the fights anyway. It’s a good thing it’s not a *real* battle because some sort of primitive bloodlust comes over me and I have no fear. I’m a walking “come get your free AP here” sign. I laugh when I die, which is all the time, and rush to join the fight again.

If someone attacks me one on one, they are usually running circles around me (literally) while I’m frantically punchIng skills and pots and going, dude, where’s my shield?

I’m probably also one of the idjits meatbagging the door or light attacking the siege engine. Or — this is my favorite — getting proxy detted to death along with about 20 other folks right after capturing a resource. Twice. (I kinda wanna learn how to do that).

Have fun killing me, frenemies!

its ppl like you that makes these events superfun

keep goin and have fun

Nerouyn · January 2020

SeaGtGruff wrote: »

Got a funny story? A joke? Share it here!

I was questing in Bruma on one of my baby necromancers and a gank squad rolled up.

Cue eye-rolling.

But it took an unexpected turn. I got killed a couple of times total but successfully snuck my around them more often than not.

Then I had the quest to kill the magister. I had him down to about half health and one the gank squad found and killed me.

I didn't immediately release though and after the ganker killed the magister, I got quest completion.

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!

A cov ganker finished my quest for me.

And the gift kept on giving.

After I rezzed and sneakily turned that quest in, a ganker - same or not, I don't know - hit me with some attacks but I was mounted and just sped on by.

Those few hits seemed to qualify me as "defending" Bruma cos about a minute later I was awarded about 10 times as much AP as I would have gotten from a single quest.

Hallothiel · January 2020

Guild group getting hammer & going to Chalman and before taking the keep, utterly destroying every damn wall just because.

And then leaving it like that.

Very satisfying. Can’t tell you how many times have hurled myself at those walls only to be destroyed by red zerg.

biminirwb17_ESO · January 2020

In Kaal today an EP ball group took Bloodmayne which had a DC scroll in it, as usual this group decided to farm the scroll for a while, then to go and flip the resources.

Not realising AD were still at BM and had flipped the keep flags the EP ball group followers (not the group itself) tried to get in the doors of the Keep when it was no longer theirs.

They all died on the postern steps probably wondering why they couldn't get in.

Oh and the ball group wiped as they almost always do.

faeeichenlaub · January 2020

While waiting queue for Kaal. Crashing and re-queing.. I've completed summerset chapter.
Irony PVP event = PVE appreciation event

SeaGtGruff · January 2020

The other night I had another all-nighter in Cyrodiil, so by mid-morning I was pretty tired, but there were new players logging in to play for a bit before heading off to work, so I kept hanging on.

I helped capture some key keeps and open up the enemies' gates for someone (also an all-nighter, I think) who wanted to grab skyshards, and then the player who was grabbing skyshards shared a quest to capture the Elder Scroll of Chim. I'd already captured and carried three Elder Scrolls during the night, including Chim, but reds had logged on in the morning and were working on taking back their scrolls. Anyway, the two of us managed to defeat the guards at the temple, then I grabbed the scroll and started running.

Then I realized we didn't have enough keeps to hold all six scrolls. I was so intent on running that I didn't want to stop to type in chat, so I decided to just run to a safe keep (which already housed a scroll) and then type). "We need to capture back one of our other keeps so I can put the scroll in it!" I suggested Ash, and the player who'd shared the quest with me (and who was now playing in her sleep and needed to log out) said that the doors were already open, we just needed to flip the flags. I guess the reds must not have bothered rebuilding the doors after they'd attacked and taken back their scroll earlier. So we ran in, I dodged the guards, and I ran around the keep (up the stairs, down the stairs, up, down) waiting for two other players to flip the flags. I whacked at a few guards, too, but my deeps-fu is pretty poopy.

So we flip the flags, I put down the scroll-- which we'd been worried might reset because I'd been carrying it for so long-- and then we started working on repairing the keep. At that point, a swarm of reds came running in and wiped us, but by then I was so tired that I actually felt like thanking them! At least we'd been able to place the scroll and complete the quest.

Inaya · January 2020

Joke: Me, who has never PVP'd in this game, trying to figure out what to do

Michae · January 2020

I joined BG game on my not properly geared up necromancer and played capture the relic. Despite being made out of jelly me and other teammate managed to get the first 200 points of the match. After that the red team got 300 points ond one guy from our team, who didn't do anything so far started whining on zone chat saying:
"My team doesn't know what to do."
After that reds got another 100 and he started writing:
"Just let the red win."
Bothered by it I proceeded to get 200 points on my trash necro breaking even with reds on 400/400. And yet, he was still whining to let the reds win. We lost unfortunately, since there was no one to defend our relic. Ugh, I hate it when people just give up in the middle of the match and just stand around whining, but it was kinda funny too.

Jenzi · January 2020

So we are running back with a scroll and the guy carrying it decides to fall in a lava river. It is tantalising just within reach but to pick it up you must go on the lava. What followed was a steady stream of what I can only describe as lemmings falling to their death trying to pick up this scroll. It was hilarious. A few of us perched ourselves on the side and just watched and laughed until the scroll disappeared.

doomette · January 2020

DarcyMardin wrote: »

I slap on whatever impen armor sets I have stashed away and respec for heals & buffs and slot some immovable portions (that I usually forget to use).

I wish I was as diligent at remembering to use my immovable pots as I am at making them and making sure all my alts have them.

SeaGtGruff · January 2020

Michae wrote: »

I joined BG game on my not properly geared up necromancer and played capture the relic. Despite being made out of jelly me and other teammate managed to get the first 200 points of the match. After that the red team got 300 points ond one guy from our team, who didn't do anything so far started whining on zone chat saying:
"My team doesn't know what to do."
After that reds got another 100 and he started writing:
"Just let the red win."
Bothered by it I proceeded to get 200 points on my trash necro breaking even with reds on 400/400. And yet, he was still whining to let the reds win. We lost unfortunately, since there was no one to defend our relic. Ugh, I hate it when people just give up in the middle of the match and just stand around whining, but it was kinda funny too.

Are you sure he wasn't secretly working with the reds?

SeaGtGruff · January 2020

This morning I was doing my usual scouting mission on PC EU to earn my daily tickets. My EU main is just barely adequate for overland content, but not yet good enough to solo resources in Cyrodiil, so I always just leisurely sneak to my objective, write my scouting report, queue to the Imperial Sewers, and queue back to Cyrodiil for a fast trip home.

Being primarily a crafter, I stop and harvest everything I see while I'm sneaking along. And while I usually stick to rocks and trees while sneaking, I'm not afraid to cross an open field to grab a piece of wood, plant, flower, or mushroom.

I also like to use my iPad to read the forums or check other sites while I'm playing, and sometimes I'll stop playing to read or even to type a reply.

I'm sneaking southeast toward a farm or lumbermill in AD territory, spot some logs and plants, and go out into the middle of a field to harvest them. Then I get distracted by my iPad. I look up, and a party of about six or seven AD players goes past me, maybe 15 feet away from where I'm crouched, and one of them is carrying a scroll. Oh, snap! Fortunately, I remain hidden as they race past me.

I resume my trip to my objective, then realize they just stashed the scroll at the keep I'm headed toward. I finish my mission without spotting anyone else, queue home, and breathe a sigh of relief.

NBrookus · January 2020

It's faster to just suicide to the resource or front door guards, @SeaGtGruff for a quick ride back to the gates.

SeaGtGruff · February 2020

Yeah, but then your gear suffers wear and tear. Plus, as soon as I hit accept on the pop-up window, I come out of sneak in the hopes that I'll attract attention and get attacked while I'm locked into the queue and can't be killed.

valeriiya · February 2020

From zone chat "but the founding fathers never intended for us to get sniped 27 times in a 3rd of a second"

Ingenon · February 2020

So I transitus travel to Sejanus Outpost thinking I will repair the door and walls and use some of the repair kits that I keep getting from event boxes. Somehow I click on the door and go through it instead of repairing it. And the outpost is under attack, I am standing inside a ram, surrounded by a group of enemies. I click to go back through the door and instead set the ram on fire. Of course the group of enemies all attack me, and I respawn at my alliance gate. I get alliance points for burning the ram. ROFL.

Salix_alba · February 2020

run to get the scroll from the temple then run all the way back server rolls back scroll is back in temple, repeat 2 more times then game crashes and kicks me back to the zone I ported in from and was rolled back even further.
Then some one in cyrodiil always accuses zos of rolling it back because that's their (zos's) favorite alliance.
Funny thing is this happens all the time to different alliances and someone always makes the accusation ep says it about dc, dc says it about ad, ad says it about ep and all other combos.
Gotta love zone chat where no-one knows whats going on behind the scenes but everyone claims they do.

Sephyr · February 2020

AD+EP=AP.

Jenzi · February 2020

SeaGtGruff wrote: »

Yeah, but then your gear suffers wear and tear. Plus, as soon as I hit accept on the pop-up window, I come out of sneak in the hopes that I'll attract attention and get attacked while I'm locked into the queue and can't be killed.

Your gear suffers hardly any damage in Cyrodiil, but if you really don’t want to die then just type /stuck and you get back to your home base wayshire.

SeaGtGruff · February 2020

IIRC, /stuck costs gold, like porting to a wayshrine from out in the wilderness. I've had to use it before to get unstuck from the side of a mountain (the steep one with the giant and skyshard at the top) when I got stuck between a tree and the mountain. I know it's just a nominal fee, but I like free queues to the Imperial Sewers.

RogueShark · February 2020

I got yeeted into a wall in Sej today while defending.

Some EP tried to help but I was apparently unkillable and my resources refilled like instantly whenever I used an ability. On the bright side, I didn't die. On the down side, I... didn't die...

doomette · February 2020

The game just decided to have a laugh with me when it load screened me off the walls during a keep defense. I came back dead, CF ballista no doubt gone. Then the game froze when I tried to rez. Probably going to miss a big ol’ d-tic too. I don’t find this particular joke funny though

DarcyMardin · February 2020

So I learn yesterday why folks complain about the tanky meta. I go in on a tanky warden myself, mainly because I’m such a terrible PvP’er that I need all the defense I can get. It’s quiet and I’m not getting any AP, so I decide to go solo a resource. I find a likely lumber camp and start by running into the tower to get out of the line of sight of all the NPCs. I finish off the two who chase me in and then go up to kill the mage.

Being tanky, this takes a while. When I get back down to the flag, I find a real enemy player has come to defend the resource, so goodbye PVE— now I am fighting all the NPCs around the flag plus a *real person*. I figure, oops, I’m toast now, but I go on the attack anyway because I’m stubborn like that.

I’m quickly discover that my DPS is not doing much to harm my opponent. OTOH, his DPS isn’t doing me much harm either, even when combined with the joint effort of the NPCs. And so it goes for at least five minutes — seemed like longer — neither one of us is making any progress at killing the other. I finally get fed up and bored and decide to concede. Dead means a free port back to base and I have quests to turn in.

Still, I think it’s progress, because at the start of the event, even with a tanky build, I’d have been dead in less than two seconds flat.

D0PAMINE · February 2020

I was with some guildies in the Sewers and saw some DC crouched and trying to hide, but was visible. Obviously they were PvEr's. So I did the /wave emote and we left. That being said. I was ready to shatter them if they tried to gank us lol.

SeaGtGruff · February 2020

I had a scouting mission for Farragut Lumbermill, but since it was on NA and my NA main is good enough to solo resources, I like to do the scouting report and then capture the resource. Then I go around the keep and capture the other two resources before moving on to my next mission, which is to capture a resource. (I do a scouting mission and a capture resource mission back-to-back.)

So I take Farragut Lumbermill, Farragut Mine, and Farragut Farm, then head through Chalman Milegate to go back east.

Uh oh, I forgot to check my capture resource mission. I press J to switch quests, and I'm to capture Drakelowe Mine. Great, I should have just headed south from Farragut instead of going through Chalman Milegate. Oh, well, I'll just head southeast rather than heading back through Chalman Milegate.

I ride my horse down some rocks and spot a Runestones node on a little island in a stream that flows into a lake, so I cross through the little bit of water to reach the tiny island and harvest the Runestones. Then I head across the little bit of water on the other side to head southeast.

I notice I'm losing health really fast, and I'm almost dead, but suddenly it stops and I start regenerating HPs. That's odd, was someone attacking me? Then I spot an Argonian by a chest. Wait a minute, this is Lake Rumare! And I was just getting eaten by slaughterfish! Talk about dumb luck, stepping out of the water and back onto the shore just before being eaten alive.

doomette · February 2020

A psijic portal was finally the death of me. Sure it was a liiiiitle close to a big ol’ zerg, but I couldn’t resist the glowing ***’s siren song.

ArchMikem · February 2020

Hallothiel wrote: »

Guild group getting hammer & going to Chalman and before taking the keep, utterly destroying every damn wall just because.

And then leaving it like that.

Very satisfying. Can’t tell you how many times have hurled myself at those walls only to be destroyed by red zerg.

Oh that's on my bucket list. I would never get the Hammer unless i was superbly lucky with its spawn.

doomette · February 2020

ArchMikem wrote: »

Hallothiel wrote: »

Guild group getting hammer & going to Chalman and before taking the keep, utterly destroying every damn wall just because.

And then leaving it like that.

Very satisfying. Can’t tell you how many times have hurled myself at those walls only to be destroyed by red zerg.

Oh that's on my bucket list. I would never get the Hammer unless i was superbly lucky with its spawn.

Heh if I ever came across the hammer in the wild I’d probably say “I need an adult!” in zone chat and watch after it for someone more competent than me. The thought of having that sort of spotlight on me, nope nope nope.

max_only · February 2020

Here’s a joke. 3 alliances walk into Cyrodiil. DC has 0 scrolls, AD has 2 scrolls, EP has 4 scrolls. Dc has been in last place for days. The hammer spawns yellow because of course it does.

Miraculously they decide not to keep it behind their gates.

Here’s another joke: Do you think AD will push EP? Try to get a scroll?
Well do you think they’d at least take back Alessia, a home keep for them? They got a hammer and a zerg, could at least secure their own land. What do you think AD will do?...
Punchline: Nikel, Ash, Brindle, Carmala, over and over in a circle. And maybe just keep and hold Rayles and Warden for the lols. There aren’t any scrolls there but why not.

https://youtu.be/-kcvrLr1r8k

AD is afraid of EP, for some reason. Lol ESO pvp is worse than high school.