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Unofficial ESO Joke thread

  • Bowser
    Bowser
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    The next time you run White Gold Tower, pinch your nose shut and repeat everything that Molag Kena says.

    Trust me, its hilarious. :D
    @King-Koopa
    World First DK Tank Execute on Rakkhat HM
    Play how you want - no meta allowed!
  • prettynink
    prettynink
    ✭✭✭
    runagate wrote: »
    [ snip ]

    Hello everyone,

    Since there is already an Official ESO Joke thread on the News & Website Articles Discussions forum on the topic, we've gone ahead and closed this thread. Please feel free to discuss feedback on the already created Official Thread on the matter. It'll be much easier to track everyone's feedback while it's all on one thread, rather than all spread out.

    Thank you for understanding!

    EPIC...I'd like to see someone top ^^^

    XBOX ONE: NA
    gt=PRETTYPHOENIX
    561 stam sorc redguard ad (Ma'tet) (9 trait crafter) (Stormproof)
    561 mag dk dunmer dc (Annaksunamin)(Empress)
    561 mag sorc altmer dc (Ammeratasu)(Stormproof)
    561 mag nb altmer dc (The Queen Akasha)(Stormproof)
    561 mag plar altmer dc (Sekmet Menchit) (Shehai Shatterer)
    561 heath dk imp dc (The Queen Khalessi) (Offtank)
    561 stam nb bosmer dc (Missandei Unsullied)
    561 stam sorc orc dc (Hannibal Lectress)
    561 stam dk khajiit dc (Maleficent Domina)
    561 stam plar redguard dc (Laggatha Lothbrok)
    561 healer breton dc (Harleen Quindell) aka Boots
    lvl 15 mag plar argonian ep (Sees All Draws)

    Affiliations
    Guild Lead of xTheDarkBrotherhoodx(PVE.Dungeons,Trials,PVP)In house Trade)
    Officer in Daggerfall Big Ticks( PVP)
    UNREST(Trader)
    Motto
    Loyalty,Honor,and Respect

    PAWS (Positively Against Wrip-Off Stuff) Let Crown Crates Go Night Night, May They NEVER Wake
  • runagate
    runagate
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    ✭✭✭
    prettynink wrote: »
    runagate wrote: »
    [ snip ]

    Hello everyone,

    Since there is already an Official ESO Joke thread on the News & Website Articles Discussions forum on the topic, we've gone ahead and closed this thread. Please feel free to discuss feedback on the already created Official Thread on the matter. It'll be much easier to track everyone's feedback while it's all on one thread, rather than all spread out.

    Thank you for understanding!

    EPIC...I'd like to see someone top ^^^

    Hehe, thanks, but I only RP a bottom.


    [ edited for clarity but it could still be taken several different ways ]
    Edited by runagate on December 1, 2016 2:58AM
  • mildlylucid
    mildlylucid
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    Stolen with some changes from a hireling.

    A Bosmer, Breton and Nord are having drinks at a bar. Each of them has a fly land in their drink.
    The Breton puts his drink to the side and orders a new one.
    The Bosmer looks at the fly, shrugs, and drinks it anyway.
    The Nord plucks the fly out of his mead and squeezes it between his fingers yelling at it "Spit it out you greedy horker!".
    Another day, another deathtrap.
    PC | NA | CP: 690+
    Main: Littlewill (50) - Khajiit Dragonknight Tank
    Alts:
    Bajzhli-do (50) - Khajiit Stamina Dragonknight DPS
    Tlanir Dro'flayn (23) - Dunmer Magicka Nightblade DPS
    Morgayne Dalodrel (21) - Breton Magicka Templar Healer
    Tumande Stormwatch (20) - Altmer Magicka Sorcerer DPS
    Tamdril Merilyn (5) - Dunmer Magicka Dragonknight DPS
    Bjorngrim Ingensen (5) - Nord Warden Tank
    Gwynereth Bonecrusher (4) - Bosmer Stamina Warden DPS
  • MickeyBN
    MickeyBN
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    ZOS said they were working on a solution for proc sets but then didn't tell us what it was or give us an ETA.

    I thought that was pretty funny.
    Vaelerys Nightborn - Bosmer Nightblade PC NA
  • threefarms
    threefarms
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    Does M'aiq love horses?
    "Oh, M'aiq loves horses! Especially with good cream sauce."

  • LMar
    LMar
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    Some Bosmer humour:

    -What's brown and sticky?
    -A stick!
    "If a stick of fish is a fish stick, it will stick like other fish sticks stick"
    "Taller races now sit in chairs correctly"
  • Thornen
    Thornen
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    Crown crates....

    The jokes on us.
  • Ankael07
    Ankael07
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    ✭✭
    pewbis wrote: »
    Tryxus wrote: »
    How do the 10 races chop down a tree?

    Altmer: Will use a Levitation Spell to rip it out of the ground, then boast about his/her magical talents
    Argonian: Will worship the tree instead
    Bosmer: Obeys the Green Pact and will slay anyone who dares to harm the tree
    Breton: Chops it down with a regular axe, cuz they're a boring race
    Dunmer: Gets his/her Argonian slaves to do it for him/her
    Imperial: Tries the diplomatic approach and attempts to convince the tree to chop itself down
    Khajiit: This one prefers to run up the tree, then complain that this one can't get down
    Nord: Is too drunk from all that mead to chop it down, so he/she will instead pee against it and then be merrily on his/her way
    Orc: Rams it headfirst
    Redguard: What makes you think a Redguard can chop down a tree? Have you seen any in the Alik'r desert?

    Maybe the reason there are no trees in the desert is because the redguards are TOO good at chopping trees...

    Oh please. Even a sload can cut trees better than a redguard.
    Edited by Ankael07 on December 1, 2016 12:40PM
    If you want me to reply to your comment type @Ankael07 in it.
  • raidentenshu_ESO
    raidentenshu_ESO
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    ✭✭
    Bowser wrote: »
    The next time you run White Gold Tower, pinch your nose shut and repeat everything that Molag Kena says.

    Trust me, its hilarious. :D

    THE SCROLL IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!! KILL 'EM ALL!
  • Saoirse_Siobhan
    Saoirse_Siobhan
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    I've had this in my signature for a while now, but here's a repost:

    A Khajiit and a Wood Elf Walk up to a market stall.

    The Khajiit whisks three rabbit pasties into his pocket with lightning speed.
    The baker doesn't notice.

    The Khajiit says to the Wood Elf:
    "You see how clever this one is? You will never beat that!"

    The Wood Elf says to the Khajiit:
    "Watch this, a Wood Elf is always cleverer than a Khajiit."

    He then says to the baker,
    "Give me a rabbit pasty, I can show you a magic trick!"

    The baker gives him the pasty which the Wood Elf promptly eats.
    Then he says to the baker:
    "Give me another pasty for my magic trick."

    The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

    Then he says again:
    "Give me one more pasty... "

    The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Wood Elf eats this one too.

    Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
    "And where is your famous magic trick?"

    The Wood Elf says:
    "Look in the Khajiit's pocket!"
    PC/EU DC
  • Alucardo
    Alucardo
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    Orc: "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
    Breton: "Have you seen a healer?"
    Orc: "No, just spots."

    I laughed at this way more than I should have
  • Alucardo
    Alucardo
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    An Altmer walks into a bar. The Barkeeper says, "Why the long face?".

    --

    An Orc and Bosmer were sitting down eating their favourite stew. The Orc woman accidentally spilt some stew over her top and exclaims in a humorous tone, "Owh! I look like a pig". The Bosmer glances up from his bowl, "And you have stew on your shirt too".
  • AzuraKin
    AzuraKin
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    Tryxus wrote: »
    How do the 10 races chop down a tree?

    Altmer: Will use a Levitation Spell to rip it out of the ground, then boast about his/her magical talents
    Argonian: Will worship the tree instead
    Bosmer: Obeys the Green Pact and will slay anyone who dares to harm the tree
    Breton: Chops it down with a regular axe, cuz they're a boring race
    Dunmer: Gets his/her Argonian slaves to do it for him/her
    Imperial: Tries the diplomatic approach and attempts to convince the tree to chop itself down
    Khajiit: This one prefers to run up the tree, then complain that this one can't get down
    Nord: Is too drunk from all that mead to chop it down, so he/she will instead pee against it and then be merrily on his/her way
    Orc: Rams it headfirst
    Redguard: What makes you think a Redguard can chop down a tree? Have you seen any in the Alik'r desert?

    well actually there more to redguard territory then just the alik'r desert. craglorn and at least 3/4ths of bangkorai is redguard territory. as well as everything southward along cyrodil and the gold coast.
    v160 spellsword (nightblade)
    v160 restoration archmage (Templar)
    v160 battlemage (sorcerer)
    v160 restoration archmage (Templar)
    v160 warrior (DragonKnight)
    v160 assassin (nightblade)
    v160 swordsman (sorcerer)
    v160 spellsword (nightblade)
  • AzuraKin
    AzuraKin
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    Yo mamma is like vivec she likes molag bals in her mouth.

    Lore junkies would love this

    Apologies if its to pg13

    im a lore junky and i dont get it. vivec is not the aniticipation of molag bal.
    v160 spellsword (nightblade)
    v160 restoration archmage (Templar)
    v160 battlemage (sorcerer)
    v160 restoration archmage (Templar)
    v160 warrior (DragonKnight)
    v160 assassin (nightblade)
    v160 swordsman (sorcerer)
    v160 spellsword (nightblade)
  • XDragonDoomX
    XDragonDoomX
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    A blind Nord walks into a bar and sits down.Thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear an Orc joke?"
    In a hushed voice, a male beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS an Orc, our bouncer is an Orc, I'm a maul specialist, the person sitting on the other side of me smiths with his bare hands. The female sitting next to you is a wrestler. We're ALL Orcs. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"
    The blind Nord sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."
    Edited by XDragonDoomX on December 1, 2016 1:59PM
    "Forums are like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea.
    massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of
    mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. ”

    (with apologies to Eugene H. Spafford, aka Spaf)

    I have the power to please one person per day. Today is not your day.
    Tomorrow... Tomorrow does not look good either.

    82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
    83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
    84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
    85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
    86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
    87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
    88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
    89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
    ** Mr Glenn's Forbidden activities list**

  • LMar
    LMar
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    AzuraKin wrote: »
    Yo mamma is like vivec she likes molag bals in her mouth.

    Lore junkies would love this

    Apologies if its to pg13

    im a lore junky and i dont get it. vivec is not the aniticipation of molag bal.

    It's more that Vivec mated with Molag Bal at some point. And he gave his head to Molag Bal to do what he wanted with it for a certain period of time.
    "If a stick of fish is a fish stick, it will stick like other fish sticks stick"
    "Taller races now sit in chairs correctly"
  • Enslaved
    Enslaved
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    Why did Nord stam DK brought 2h mace in Cyrodiil?

    Because his 3h mace was still on repair.
  • Jim_Pipp
    Jim_Pipp
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    I bet a bosmer 1000 gold he couldn't steal the meat hanging over the fire in the rosy lion.

    Bosmer: "[Snip] off, the steaks are too high"

    [Edited for profanity]
    Edited by ZOS_JohanaB on December 1, 2016 7:57PM
    #1 tip (Re)check your graphics settings periodically - especially resolution.
  • AEAltadoonPadhome
    AEAltadoonPadhome
    ✭✭✭
    Bowser wrote: »
    The next time you run White Gold Tower, pinch your nose shut and repeat everything that Molag Kena says.

    Trust me, its hilarious. :D

    Yerh Fehls still belerhve ye er deling with Clervieh Thern? She ers es lest te ye as the Whert Geld Tewer!
  • Hand_Bacon
    Hand_Bacon
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    I found a guild that is always running trials as advertised.
    #AlmostGood@ESO
  • Buffler
    Buffler
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    Kram8ion wrote: »
    How many night blades does it take to screw in a ligh




    Incap strike
    Vipers

    Lol this!
  • Enslaved
    Enslaved
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    AzuraKin wrote: »
    Yo mamma is like vivec she likes molag bals in her mouth.

    Lore junkies would love this

    Apologies if its to pg13

    im a lore junky and i dont get it. vivec is not the aniticipation of molag bal.

    Vivec had sex with Molag Bal. Read his books, man
  • vamp_emily
    vamp_emily
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    I will try and tell a joke :)

    *knock knock*
    Who's there?
    Load Screen


    [ 20 minutes later ]
    Load Screen who


    :)

    If you want a friend, get a dog.
    AW Rank: Grand Warlord 1 ( level 49)

  • sirston
    sirston
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    A DC player, AD player and EP player are all on a boat. when the captain yells "we're sinking we're sinking throw something over to help us float!"

    The DC player Goes we have enough of these in our lands, and throws over Orc Armor and Weapons.
    The AD player Goes we have enough of these in our lands, and throws over welkynd stones.
    The EP player Goes we have enough of these in our lands, And throws both the DC and AD players overboard.

    The captain says, "why did you throw those two men overboard?"
    and the EP player simply Responds saying, "They were using proc sets".
    Edited by sirston on December 1, 2016 3:23PM
    Whitestakes Revenge
    WoodElf Mag-Warden
    Sirston
    Magickia Dragonknight


    T0XIC
    Pride Of The Pact
    Vehemence
    The Crimson Order

    victoria aut mors
  • Jim_Pipp
    Jim_Pipp
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    How to calculate what Maelstrom Weapon you will get

    Use this equation to calculate what you will get on your next maelstrom run

    Pick any number between 1 and 9

    Multiply it by 3

    Add 3 to that number

    Multiply by 3 again

    Add the 2 digits together and the check the list below to see what you will get.

    1) Sharpened Bow
    2) Powered Restoration Staff
    3) Sharpened One-handed Sword
    4) Sharpened Two-Handed Sword
    5) Sharpened One-Handed Mace
    6) Sharpened Two-Handed Mace
    7) Sharpened One-Handed Axe
    8) Sharpened Two-Handed Axe
    9) A maelstrom weapon with any trait except sharpened
    10) Sharpened Daggers
    11) Sharpened Inferno Staff
    12) Sharpened Frost Staff
    13) Sharpened Shock Staff
    Edited by Jim_Pipp on December 1, 2016 3:34PM
    #1 tip (Re)check your graphics settings periodically - especially resolution.
  • vamp_emily
    vamp_emily
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    ✭✭✭
    Here is a few things I did in the past for jokes:


    siege.jpg


    ep.jpg


    Vet streamer comes to non vet campaign with fan boys:
    lizard2.jpg



    end-game.gif


    Edited by vamp_emily on December 1, 2016 3:37PM

    If you want a friend, get a dog.
    AW Rank: Grand Warlord 1 ( level 49)

  • Recremen
    Recremen
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    Here's a joke: the company's respect for fair business dealings.
    Men'Do PC NA AD Khajiit
    Grand High Illustrious Mid-Tier PvP/PvE Bussmunster
  • TheShadowScout
    TheShadowScout
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    ESO funnies? Well, I once saw something on the forums I found funny... but since I could not find it again (it was ages ago), I had to recreate it:
    15271797_1250954568259396_8507334978814171919_o.jpg
  • LMar
    LMar
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    -How many Khajiit are required to fully roof a Bosmer's house?
    -Depends on how thinly the Bosmer slices them!

    -I had another joke about a Khajiit but he went Elsweyr

    xD

    (I took these off a podcast I heard a while ago)
    "If a stick of fish is a fish stick, it will stick like other fish sticks stick"
    "Taller races now sit in chairs correctly"
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