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My Banking Assistant has gone insane!

Gentlemen, ladies and those of the furred or scaled persuasions,

I am writing to you today in order to alert you an alarming occurance. Tythis Andromo, my Banking Assisant has gone quite mad.

I recently received a letter from this Dunmer loon which advised me that he has "retired" from my service and retreated to his countryside manor in Deshaan. I mean Deeshan of all the places, for heavens sake. Now before you begin admonishing me for the reckless act of employing a Dunmer in personal service, I should tell you that the labor market has been extremely limited for some time. Indeed this fellow was the only qualified applicant for the post who had references.

In any case, after I checked my financial records, it seems that this blighter has helped himself to the bulk of my funds and purchased a country manor for himself somewhere in Deshaan. Needless to say, I flew into a rage. However, before I could beat any servants at all, Nuzhimeh my mercantile agent, who it must be said is a level-headed wench even if she is a Redguard, managed to calm me with the news that she had received a dinner invitation from Tythis. She advised me that she would find out what was going on and attempt to recover the funds with as little fuss as possible. I informed her that if fuss was needed that I had whole armoire full of very fussy staves.

Eventually I agreed to Nuzimeh's plan, thinking that dinner posed little risk of danger. After all, Tythis was a weedy little fellow, not the violent type and certainly dinner with him would be nothing like those feasts thrown by the vile Bosmer. The following evening Nuzhimeh departed for dinner, but inexplicably failed to return!

I began to fear the worse, but before I could select a suitable pair of staves to deal with this mess, Pirharri, one of my senior employees in Acquisitions and Disposals advised me that some expert reconnaissance would be necessary before assaulting a walled estate. She assured me she would return with the dawn and details of what the blackguard Tythis was up to. I agreed to the plan and returned to the highly demanding work of exploiting the unsophisticated citizens of Vvardenfell.

I awoke at my desk well after dawn. Pirharri was nowhere to be found, apparently another victim of the blue-beard Tythis! I immediately selected my favorite staves from my armoire, packed a traveling bag, washed and trimmed my beard, sat down to a four-course breakfast served on the balcony, had a nap in the sun to aid my digestion, and then hastily left my villa to make the long and arduous journey to disgusting Deshaan.

I arrived just as the sun was setting, and found the gate to the manor's grounds ajar and an eeire fog spilling out over the cobblestones. I checked the charge on my staves and quietly slipped though the gate. Gentlemen, ladies, and others, what follows below is a record of the vile depravity that I uncovered at the manor of the truly psychotic Tythis, as best as I can recollect. However, I doubt even my own memories at the moment, since I seem only to be able to recall the events in rhyming couplets!

It is my gravest warning to you all: if you value your own sanity, do not approach this crazed manor under any circumstance. I fear the best course of action would be to burn the entire place to the ground, and liberally salt the ruins. Indeed, it is probably wise to extend this to the entirety of Deshaan. I advise you all to closely monitor your own assistants. At the first sign of any unusual behavior, lock your coffers and dismiss the offending employee without references, at once. It is my fervent hope that you all avoid the loss I suffered at the hands of my defective Banking Assistant.

[This is a guided tour of Tythis' Madhouse of Terror (by @researchmonkey). If you wish to tour the house yourself you can access it by visiting the Quondam Indorilia residence of @researchmonkey (set during the Halloween period) via friends list or guild roster (Scheming Skeevers Imports, Iron Bank of Bravos, or Elder Scrolls Exchange) or by imposing on someone on those rosters to port you in on the PC NA server. Since the Halloween house is no longer marked as my primary residence, please use the add-on "Port to Friends House" to port to any of my houses. (Yes, it let's you port to any house a player owns, not just their primary residence.)

To enhance your experience I suggest you put on your favorite party frock, unequip your weapons, Quickslot any undead type polymorph, and put Magelight on your Ability bar in case some areas are too dark for your graphics settings. It should be clear when to activate your polymorph. If you don't have an undead polymorph available, then OH DEAR! I'm sure everything will be OK, though. No need to worry. No, not at all. If you don't want to spoil any fun at all, I also suggest that when you first load into the house that you close your eyes for 10-15 secs to allow the game to render all the items completely, as they do appear in an odd order, ruining the line of sight setups.

Here are a few many stanzas to enhance alleviate the fun. The start of each section in the house is denoted by a Witch Curse Marker (a rough wooden X with skulls on it and a cloud of green fog at the base).

I'd like to thank @Finnisterre for the help in proofing both the house and the text. Thank you]


Through the gate,
the path is blocked.
By stonemason's frenzy,
all progress stopped.

A witch curse marker
warns you away.
But morbid curiosity
dares you to stay.


Witch's totem,
marks the start.
The journey not
for faint of heart.

Off to the well,
you must go.
Just mind the vines,
or you'll slow.

Screaming pumpkins
try to scare.
Will you advance,
do you dare?

What's this I see,
in the well?
The dead return,
from depths of hell!

So scream and run,
for you must flee.
But which way's out?
Just head for the tree.

Here's the clue,
if you require.
Find the dead deer,
if escape you desire.


Witch curse marker,
stops you dead.
But up the ramp,
look who's ahead.

The villain is here,
Tythis himself.
That's the ***,
who stole my wealth.

"Relax!" he cries,
"come sit and rest".
"Let me explain,
it'll be for the best".

"Lie back, breathe deep,
and rest your soul".
"Your money is safe,
'twas not I that stole".

"I have a scheme,
to recover your wealth".
"But we shall need,
a special kind of stealth".

"While I explain,
Let me measure your head".
"This machine you see,
cleaves living from dead".

"A flick of the switch,
one little chop".
"You are now ready,
for the big drop".

"Where you must go,
the living don't tread".
"Not really a problem,
now you are dead".

"Into the cart,
and back on the path".
"You'll find your wealth,
by kitchen's hearth".


Witch curse marker,
halts you again.
Here you'll witness,
punishment's pain.

Look straight ahead,
up on the hill.
This fate 'waits,
the weak of will.

Three crosses you see,
a reminder of sin.
The remains to be collected,
by next of kin.

Look to the right,
amongst the spikes.
That's DPS-Queues-As-Tank,
in one of his fights.

That foolish pug,
used random queue,
In Elden Hollow,
Bogdan did chew.

Look to the left,
who do we now see?
That's Tastes-Like-Fish,
skewered to a tree.

A perverted Argonian,
who <3desired <3 only fish.
Outraged fishmongers
ended that wish.

Look down in the mud,
sprawled in the mire.
That's Too-Many-Debts,
Whose luck was most dire.

This Orc liked to gamble,
but skill was his lack.
Eventually he folded,
with knife in his back.

Look left once again,
on path near the tree.
Hangs Speaks-Badly-Of-Others,
never to be free.

Put in his cage,
and hung up to rot.
This bad-mouthing egotist,
deserves what he got.

Look up the path,
see the funeral pyre.
Poor Pokes-Her-Nose-In,
incurred villagers' ire.

Tied to a post,
and burnt to a crisp.
This is what you get,
for being a witch.

There on the stairs,
next to the door.
Lies Chases-The-Sphere,
prone on the floor.

This skooma-addled Khajiit,
has ended up dead.
He failed to see,
cleaver to the head.

Let's leave our victims,
and enter the house.
Best to go careful,
be quiet as a mouse.


Witch curse marker,
makes you pause.
Hear that noise,
what's the cause?

There's the band,
called Simply Dead.
playing to appease,
the giant stone head.

Join the fun,
Invade the stage.
Blow the horn,
watch them rave.

Perhaps a drink?
It's only a hunch.
But at a guess,
probably not punch!


Witch curse marker,
there on the left,
Time for dinner,
hope you're all dressed.

What's this madness,
seen from the door.
Banquet on ceiling,
not on the floor!

You'll stay hungry,
that is the curse.
This mad feast
is truly perverse.


Witch curse marker,
with horrid smell.
Marks worst toilet,
in all Tamriel!

No water in basin,
but mushrooms on floor.
Look at the cubicles,
not a single door.

No towel for hands,
no paper in stalls.
What's in those vents,
high on the walls?

Best not to sit,
on convenient holes.
For reptiles await,
in toilet bowls.

Oh terror unending
my visit is brief.
It's eternal damnation,
without relief!


Witch curse marker,
At top of stair.
What madness here,
has made its lair?

What's that sound,
is it the bell?
Time for school,
in Class From Hell!

Take your seat,
you're late once more.
A surprise exam,
the pupils' chore.

Classroom's master,
cane in hand.
Looks to you,
and answers demands.

Hangs the hourglass,
its sands are frozen.
For endless exam,
you are chosen.

Where's your quill,
and your ink?
Why are you naked?
FLEE, don't think!


Witch curse marker,
Across the hall.
Past punishment box,
do not stall.

To see the Principal,
you are sent.
with long bamboo cane,
his anger to vent.

But what's this now?
Take a good look.
Poor bibliophile,
flattened by books.

With principal crushed,
off we now go.
To find the architect,
of this mad show.


Witch curse marker,
at bottom of stair.
See the food,
they do prepare.

Fountain of blood,
served like wine.
Sack of offal,
on which to dine.

Nuzhimeh on spit,
writhing in pain.
Pirharri in cage,
hung up like game.

Grinding skulls,
to make bone meal.
Carving Argonian,
with butcher's steel.

In hell's kitchen,
it is said.
Bodies of living,
feed the dead.


Beyond the hearth,
I see the true cause.
Mad Sheogorath stands,
as if awaiting applause.

"Return my wealth",
I screamed at him.
"I haven't time,
for your foolish whim".

His face lit up,
with maniacal glee.
And Mad God's smile,
rained down on me.

"Pompous Altmer,
I don't want your gold".
"The point you see,
was tale be told".

"Now it's complete,
collect your wealth.
It's only a shame,
You haven't your health".

I grabbed my coin,
and departed in haste.
Back to my villa,
not a moment to waste.

This tale is done,
my bones are weary.
So ends a night,
truly most eerie..

Take care my friends,
to avoid that place.
A hell of thing
is Sheogorath's grace.

Edited by researchmonkey on November 28, 2017 9:11AM
- Grumbles the Vague
  • Zinaroth
    Xantaria wrote: »

  • Azurya
  • Jaimeh
    Terrible business that you lost your assistants to the Mad God, but the description of the events, both prose and verse, made me smile. I do hope you will be able to get them back (maybe a substantial offering of cheese?), and then write about their experiences! :smile:
  • Zbigb4life
    We don't have to read all of this... do we? :s
  • Girl_Number8
    Ummmm u need to start your own role playing guild :)
  • Bryong9ub17_ESO
  • Cadbury


    "If a person is truly desirous of something, perhaps being set on fire does not seem so bad."
  • twev
    Zbigb4life wrote: »
    We don't have to read all of this... do we? :s

    Well, no, you don't have to read it, but there's going to be a test later this week, and it's not open-book....

    Just sayin'....
    The problem with society these days is that no one drinks from the skulls of their enemies anymore.

    PC/NA, i7 with 32 gigs of ram, nVME cards and an nVidea 1060 over fiber.
    I don't play through Steam, ever.
  • Bam_Bam
    wall of text says no.
    Joined January 2014
    PC EU - PvE & BGs & PvP (Vivec)
    Grand Master Crafter


    Lims Kragm'a
    Bam Bam Bara
  • Slurg
    You know Tythis did time in the White Rose prison, right? Not trying to judge, but I reckon that sort of experience changes a fellow.
    Happy All the Holidays To You and Yours!
    Remembering better days of less RNG in all the things.
  • Doctordarkspawn

    You have far to much time on your hands.
  • Betsararie
    The secret is you have to be as high as he was when he wrote it to actually read it.
  • Marabornwingrion
    I have no idea what I'm reading
  • Ulfgarde
    Who knew that a $40 virtual, balding, middle-aged elf-man with one unique voice line would be the unsuspecting target of some 2000-word (yes) poem on the forums.

    Kudos to you, but damn.
    Edited by Ulfgarde on October 16, 2017 11:54AM
    Very athletic eso player
    PC EU
  • Publius_Scipio
    Skooma. Highly purified and concentrated skooma.
  • jritenburgh
    Soul Shriven
    This took dedication. I just went to see the house and I'm impressed.
    WTF did I just read? lol
    Once I was a lamb, playing in a green field. Then the wolves came. Now I am an eagle and I fly in a different universe.

    Been taking heads since TeS 3 Morrowind..

    Been enjoying PvP tears since 2014

    LvL 50 - Dragon Knight EP [PC-EU] = Illuvutar = Ex The Wabbajack = (Stam DK)
    LvL 50 - Night Blade DC [PC-EU] = Legendary Blades = Evil Ninja/Dueller = (StamBlade)
    LvL 50 - Sorcerer DC [PC-EU] = Daemon Lord = (Mag Sorc)
    LvL 50 - Dragon Knight DC [PC-EU] = Khal-Bladez = (Mag DK)
    LvL 50 - Dragon Knight DC [PC-EU] = Tenakha Khan = (Stam DK)
    LvL 50 - Templar DC [PC-EU]] = Blades The Disgruntled = (Stamplar)
    LvL 50 - Night Blade DC [PC-EU] = Ghost Blades = (Assassin)
    LvL 50 - Night Blade DC [PC-EU] = Malekith The Shadow = (Mag NB)
    LvL 50 - Warden DC [PC-EU] = Crimson Blades = (Stamden)

    Guild Master of The Bringers Of The Storm.

    Member Of The Old Guard
    PC Closed Betas 2013

    PC Mastah Race

    Anook Page anook.com/shadow2kk

    Been playing since Beta and Early Access

  • X_LadyPhoenix_X
    Runschei wrote: »
    I am very confused but still;

    Send shivers down your spine :D
    Mistress of Shadows (GM) <ShadowKnight Syndicate>
    an active,adult only, social guild that dabbles in everything on PS4 NA, Est. Oct. 2015
    For the Pact!
    Master Thief
    | Lady Phœnix ~ Nord DK | Yelena Elethea ~ High Elf Templar | Stalks-among-Shadows ~ Argonian NB | Inyoni Yezulu ~ Redgaurd Sorc |
    | Chändra Nälaar ~ Dark Elf DK | Elora de Danan ~ Breton Sorc | Velia Vixen ~ Wood Elf Warden | Serephina Valyrin ~ Imperial DK |
    PSN: X_LadyPhoenix_X
  • X_LadyPhoenix_X
    This took dedication. I just went to see the house and I'm impressed.

    I'm assuming it's on PC? Wish I could see it. :'(
    Mistress of Shadows (GM) <ShadowKnight Syndicate>
    an active,adult only, social guild that dabbles in everything on PS4 NA, Est. Oct. 2015
    For the Pact!
    Master Thief
    | Lady Phœnix ~ Nord DK | Yelena Elethea ~ High Elf Templar | Stalks-among-Shadows ~ Argonian NB | Inyoni Yezulu ~ Redgaurd Sorc |
    | Chändra Nälaar ~ Dark Elf DK | Elora de Danan ~ Breton Sorc | Velia Vixen ~ Wood Elf Warden | Serephina Valyrin ~ Imperial DK |
    PSN: X_LadyPhoenix_X
  • MissBizz
    This took dedication. I just went to see the house and I'm impressed.

    I'm assuming it's on PC? Wish I could see it. :'(

    I'm assuming it's on PC NA, as I'm in that Iron Bank guild... I might just need to swing on by.
    Lone Wolf HelpFor the solo players who know, sometimes you just need a hand.PC | NA | AD-DC-EP | Discord
  • Nyghthowler
    Dear @researchmonkey ,

    I am writing you to personally inform you of a new venture being started; The Tamriel Investment Foundry & Holdings Company.
    Never again worry your self about sneaky, half mad, semi mad, or totally mad Dunmer bankers absconding with your hard earned coin. Simply send us your gold and we will take care of the rest for you! How much more simple could it be? Have the peace of mind knowing we are taking care of your finances.

    I also wish to hasten to assure you that any rumors of our company being involved in Skooma smuggling, the Argonian slave trade, or helping to supply Khajiit fur to clothiers is pure nonsense started by our competition to besmirch our reputation. I have personally made that they have no witnesses to any such happenings!

    I'm not prejudiced; I hate everyone equally !
  • researchmonkey
    Dear @Nyghthowler,

    Thank you for your timely offer of discrete and secure financial services. Please rest assured I am not the type of person easily dissuaded from ventures merely on the basis of unsubstantiated rumor and gossip, likely spread about by jealous rivals.

    I will be most happy to receive a detailed prospectus from you outlining your one, two and five year investment returns.

    Wishing you great returns on capital,

    Grumbles the Vague.

    - Grumbles the Vague
  • newtinmpls
    Lots of work,

    Well done!!
    Tenesi Faryon of Telvanni - Dunmer Sorceress who deliberately sought sacrifice into Cold Harbor to rescue her beloved.
    Hisa Ni Caemaire - Altmer Sorceress, member of the Order Draconis and Adept of the House of Dibella.
    Broken Branch Toothmaul - goblin (for my goblin characters, I use either orsimer or bosmer templates) Templar, member of the Order Draconis and persistently unskilled pickpocket
    Mol gro Durga - Orsimer Socerer/Battlemage who died the first time when the Nibenay Valley chapterhouse of the Order Draconis was destroyed, then went back to Cold Harbor to rescue his second/partner who was still captive. He overestimated his resistance to the hopelessness of Oblivion, about to give up, and looked up to see the golden glow of atherius surrounding a beautiful young woman who extended her hand to him and said "I can help you". He carried Fianna Kingsley out of Cold Harbor on his shoulder. He carried Alvard Stower under one arm. He also irritated the Prophet who had intended the portal for only Mol and Lyris.
    Order Draconis - well c'mon there has to be some explanation for all those dragon tattoos.
    House of Dibella - If you have ever seen or read "Memoirs of a Geisha" that's just the beginning...
    Nibenay Valley Chapterhouse - Where now stands only desolate ground and a dolmen there once was a thriving community supporting one of the major chapterhouses of the Order Draconis
  • EllieBlue
    I want to be your friend. But I am on pc-eu. How can this be? Life is unfair.
    Edited by EllieBlue on October 18, 2017 3:12AM
    Nirn Traders GM (est 2015)
    PC EU
    Semi-retired. Playing games for fun. Super casual.
  • ZOS_Mika
    We've recently removed a few non constructive comments. Please keep the discussion civil and on topic.
    The Elder Scrolls Online: Tamriel Unlimited - ZeniMax Online Studios
    Forum Rules | Code of Conduct | Terms of Service | Home Page | Help Site
    Staff Post
  • SunnyBunny
    MissBizz wrote: »
    This took dedication. I just went to see the house and I'm impressed.

    I'm assuming it's on PC? Wish I could see it. :'(

    I'm assuming it's on PC NA, as I'm in that Iron Bank guild... I might just need to swing on by.

    Lone Wolf Help ~ Royal Bank of Tamriel ~ Black Market Wares

    I Know I'm Lost

    *Ernestina - Imperial Temp
    *Ennus - Bosmer Sorc
    *Greavy - Orc DK
    *Somniate - Ra Gada NB
    *Cilano - Imperial DK
    *Ba'Raka - Khajiit Warden
    *Bird In Hand - Argonian Templar
  • Gan Xing
    Gan Xing
    I'm honestly impressed in how much effort you put into this
    Gan Xing - Crafting Nightblade
    Elrana Tinuviel - Hybrid Dragonknight
    Elentári Peregrine - Sorcerer "bank"
    Rán Xīng - Hybrid Templar
    Laurïsil Imlachwen - Stamina Templar
    Helotë Tinuviel - Hybrid/Magicka Warden
    Odin banker - obv banker
    Yan of the Red Mountain - lvl 3 DK - not sure when I will work on em

    Seeks the unusual and unique playstyles...
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