Make your own patch notes!

Aliyavana

Hello all! Everyone in this thread is allowed to make their own patch notes weither satrical or helpful... here it goes.

* After careful consideration we no longer consider argonians a race... all sets that benifit from running a pet build now are Increased in effectiveness at 2 percent per argonian in your group. Argonian racials are now renamed to pet racials... along with their swim speed they now take 5 percent extra damage from dunmer.
* We feel stamina didn't really fit our vision for pve trials, so dual wield and bows cost for stamina has doubled while in trials to incentisize running magika even more in trials.
* Magika shield durations has doubled in both duration and strength to further avoid bringing stamina builds in trial groups... this game is the elder staves online right?
* Bosmer now gain a racial called cannibalism that restores four percent of your health along with increasing your movement speed by 30 percent after killing something. Rank 2 of this racial will now restore both magika and stamina as well and rank 3 will grant you a 5 percent damage bonus to the enemy type you last killed (khajiit player, dwemer automatron, dremora, etc)
* We detected too much players having fun and so I'm our attempts to nerf fun, we introduced a transmog system that requires you to purchase a appearance slot for 1k crowns each
* To make up for our nerfs to fun, mounts will now ride you instead of you riding your mounts
* We wanted to add Cliff racers everywheeeeere to annoy the shot of our playerbase, but then scrapped that idea because that would be somewhat fun and nostalgic so instead we removed all mention of cliff racers from lore and they never existed! Completed chimed out of nirn... and now reside with the dwemer wherever they are
*Cliff racers have completly been replaced with argonians flying through the sky with the swim animation! Help stop the flying argonian threat in morrowind

* nbs have been nerfed so much in pve so I'm order to help them out a bit, all nbs at the start of morrowind will be teleported to cyrodil and be unable to leave, so that they don't feel left out compared to other classes in pve and instead get to enjoy pvp where they would excel at!

Edit:

We decided mag sorcs were overperforming so we have nerfed the damage of streak in order to align itself with the amount of other class nerfs.

Many people were complaining about nbs this patch and how they will be non existant and are pretty much a worse version of a sorc, so all nbs upon morrowinds release will be removed from the game and turned into sorcs to compensate

Many people were complaining that stamina Templars were not seeing much play, so we have decided to not allow Templars to dump points into stamina at all to join the magika Templar meta so they wouldn't feel left out.

We feel to much racism was involved with argonians so argonians are no longer a playable race so that the players who chose the wrong race are no longer harassed. All current argonians players have been turned into superior dunmer... you are welcome.

Tommy_The_Gun

- All NB skills will now cost health
xD

LiquidPony

* Damage from the Destro Ultimate has been doubled and the cost reduced by 50%. We decided that this ability wasn't quite OP enough and we want to see interesting new raid strategies consisting of nothing but heavy attacks and Destro Ults.

redspecter23

My ideal U14 patch notes

- We're excited to add Morrowind to the game. Explore the new zone with 30+ hours of gameplay including 2 new public dungeons and a new trial with both normal and veteran modes
- Test your skill in new battlegrounds!

That's it, no game changes needed.

D0ntevenL1ft

Leave DK changes but keep minor mending.

Healing ward has a 30% cost increase (just like vigor).

Bone Pirate Skeleton only grants minor defile and no longer major protection.

Nightblades can crit from stealth but no longer stun.

Dark deal now gives stam back based on character level identical to other sustain changes.

Rajajshka

*Mudcrabs are now a playable race

LadyLavina

*Players posting Auction House threads will be permabanned, drawn, and quartered.

Neoauspex

Next patch notes:

Puncturing Strikes and it's morphs no longer deal any damage. Instead, it grants major mending for the duration of the channel.

Developer comment:

We listen to the community, and we agree that removing major mending from the Templar toolkit was crippling to the class. Muahahaha *cough*buywardens*cough*.

Blackbird_V

Big Changes

• Removed Wrobel from Zenimax Online Studios' staff list. Instead, a new person will be added who will be more competent. This is something we really want to do, though, but there's no ETA on that.

Alphaa

Weapon and spell damage are now available to buy through the crown store, but only applys to wardens.

Grymmoire

- To address player concerns regarding dueling near wayshrines and bank entrances, we are instituting the following:

Duelers will now not only need to fight one another, but random spawns of Elite Mudcrabs. These Mudcrabs will have 10 million hit points and empowered with Choking Talons and Fossilize. This will enhance your strategy and resource management, while adding a small element of danger and fun.

Tholian1

*Sorcerer - We polished the pedestal and moved it slightly to make room for an additional pedestal for the new Warden class.

Aliyavana

Lol

Dragonnord

- No need to delete Templar characters, as Templars can now be used as pets.

Cadbury

- Naryu Virian, Razum - dar, and Darien Gautier are now available in the Crown Stores as non - combat pets!
- Giant mushroom mount is also available!
- Ninja and Samurai classes now available, as we attempt to make ESO more kawaii
- No more armor! All players are now nude!

hmsdragonfly

* Jesus Beam now crit for 2 millions.

Rohamad_Ali

Servers Rolled Back to 1.5 until Nick returns with a better idea .

*Drops Mic*

vyndral13preub18_ESO

To further class balance and bring more classes in line with the exciting new Templar mechanic. When used All class regen skills will now stop anyone nearby of the same class from using their class regen skills.

phairdon

New necromancer class, complete with its own pvp skill line. Resurrect dead enemy players to fight for you.

Catches_the_Sun

BlackbirdV wrote: »

Big Changes

• Removed Wrobel from Zenimax Online Studios' staff list. Instead, a new person will be added who will be more competent. This is something we really want to do, though, but there's no ETA on that.

Developer Comments

This is a buff if you play ESO. Otherwise, it's a nerf.

kadochka

-A new memento will be added in the next patch; the Glazed Spoon, when held, will leave a sugary trail of sweetrolls everywhere you walk. Eat up!

-New mounts are coming, too! Many water-themed ones like the Finned Guar will not dismount you when driven into the waves.

-From now on, typing into the chat, "Fluffy elves and donkeys!" will get you 1,000 gold, and quoting, "fite me!" will get you temporarily kicked. This is to lessen the duels in towns, since the civilians have been complaining about the noise.

Betsararie

The Warden is now the only class. And you have to buy it. We took out all the other classes.

Also we hate you.

Happy hunting.

- ZoS

Blacksmoke

-Changed the appearance of all wayshrines, they will now look like giant middle fingers to help remind our players of what they mean to us.

Enslaved

• Templars always were a scrub class, so we removed them from the game
• Bretons always were a scrub race, so we removed them as a playable choice
• Breton templars were always a scrublord choice, so we rerolled them on ppl's accounts for Saxhleel sap tanks

Runs

Future Natch Potes wrote:

New Target Dummies
We've really enjoyeed all the requests for an Eric Wrobel target dummy so we have decided to make a set target dummies modeled and voice acted by your favorite ZOS employees.

• Rich Lambert - With his ever fashionable shorts he will laugh with every hit towards him. If you kill him you will hear his most popular phrase "You know you don't have to be here, right?" and then you will be kicked back to the login menu.
• Heather Powers - Our marketing director, hit her with your best shots. This one is a crown store only item going up for only 5,000 crowns. Each hit on her and your account loses 10 crowns. Sure to be a ZOS money maker.
• Matt Firor - He forced us to include him on this. Literally nobody requested one of him.
• Eric Wrobel - Our number one request. Every attack on him will progressively make your character weaker and at the same time his Nerf Aura radius will get bigger. Anyone standing in his Nerf Aura will be permanently nerfed.

New Assistants
We have also decided to add two new assistants voice acted and modeled by ZOS employees to continue with the theme.

• Jessica Folsom(Reporting Assistant) - Will automatically ban any player you report on the spot. Only a review by a live Game Master will let the player back into game. Single use assistant. 10k crowns per purchase.
• Gina Bruno(Maid Assistant) - Will randomly walk around your home, dusting and putting your lighting back to your desired setting(when changed by visitors). When summoned she will use whichever furniture you are nearest to. However if summoned while near a bed you will just hear the word "Soon"

lonewolf26

* Due to the overwhelming damage caused by attacks in the last several patches we've removed them effective this patch. The only ways to cause damage now are to tickle your enemies, to talk their ears off in zone chat and to stare awkwardly at them for hours.

Dyride

For serious,

Shards and Necrotic Orb return x amount of your lowest resource and y amount of your current highest resource. Feels so clunky to be getting a resource return that may not be needed at the moment. If I just cast Critical Surge, my magicka is quite low, but I may still want stamina.

Pirate Skeleton proc last 10 secs with 15 sec cooldown. Keep 5% or 6% proc chance, doesn't matter if the proc duration is changed and has longer gap before cooldown.

Igneous Shield gives Major Mending for 3 secs or how long shield lasts, whichever is greater.

Repentence returns a flat value of stamina per corpse to allies. Restores same value as live to caster.

Leeching Strikes and Siphoning Attacks has no cost but returns roughly similar resources to PTS version.

Streak bug inside keeps, towers and gates fixed.

Luminous Shards given Fossilize/Agony treatment for disorient with damage threshold so that it doesn't give free CC immunity.

Aliyavana

Cadbury wrote: »

- Naryu Virian, Razum - dar, and Darien Gautier are now available in the Crown Stores as non - combat pets!
- Giant mushroom mount is also available!
- Ninja and Samurai classes now available, as we attempt to make ESO more kawaii
- No more armor! All players are now nude!

How would you use the costumes if you have the 3rd aption? xD

MCBIZZLE300

Token system, token system and some more token system.

SaRuZ

Fixed everything that wasn't broken. Broke everything that was fixed, ignored everything that needed fixed.

Sincerely Yours,
ZoS.

P.S. None of you will quit because you're all filthy game addicts that fill our bank accounts with $$$. Now preorder Morrowind or GTFO!

Blackfyre20

Catches_the_Sun wrote: »

BlackbirdV wrote: »

Big Changes

• Removed Wrobel from Zenimax Online Studios' staff list. Instead, a new person will be added who will be more competent. This is something we really want to do, though, but there's no ETA on that.

Developer Comments

This is a buff if you play ESO. Otherwise, it's a nerf.

Amazing