TLDR: title summed it up. I’m going to ramble. Feel free to read the title and peace out. :-P
______________________________
Honestly, this expansion’s writing reminded me of my best friend, who quit around High Isle. He got real peeved, because he was expecting an expansion with spell-swords, crazy Breton wizards doing all sorts of things to cheat death, and the usual shtick you see Bretons getting up to in baseline Elder Scroll games. “Looks like they’re just going to be Renn Faire cosplayers in High Isle, prattling on about knightly orders and druids. This sucks! Does ZOS even understand why we like Bretons?”
What did I say? “Fair enough man, but what you’re describing was a story they weren’t interested in telling. They went their own way. It is what it is. You need to leave your expectations to the side a bit. Appreciate what you have.” He quit. I miss him in this game. A lot.
Well… here I am, almost in the same boat not two years later, feeling like a jerk. Realizing I was a jerk. I don’t like it, haha.
Is the writing in Gold Road bad? No, it’s not. Most of the time, anyway. The problem is my expectations. I know it. I feel it in my bones.
I love the Colovians like my friend loved the Bretons. They’re rough-and-tumble Imperials. Not as diplomatic as their Nibenay siblings, and willing to throw down! I expected an epic story with the Count of Skingrad rallying his battle-hardened soldiers to fend off Valenwood invaders… which Colovia could easily do, if Valenwood didn’t have a Daedric Prince not bound by the Coldharbour Compact. Against a literal god romper-stomping across West Weald, there’s only so much you can do. A tragic, doomed resistance… or is it? That’s where the player comes in. Ooo. Awesome.
Instead, the Colovians are incompetent idiots. Their leader is an ineffectual, inoffensive, forgettable milksop whose only quest involves rescuing his pet cub BurntBiscuits. Theres’ no sign of Colovian troops trying to hold the line at Wildburn, and they are shown to be utterly worthless at two delve forts. Outside of Feldagard Keep, their resistance to the Bosmer is NON-EXISTENT. Just… eh.
The Colovians don’t try to use diplomacy to force the Aldmeri to step in and bring Dawnwood to task (stop your boys or our neutrality ends and we join the Covenant). They don’t use diplomacy to bring in Covenant help (if we fall to Valenwood, the Aldmeri will be able to hit your Craglorn supply lines). They don’t use diplomacy to pull in Southern Hammerfell help (hey Crown leaders, if we fall… war will come to your southern doorstep and the Aldmeri might attack you next to open a front with your Forebear cousins).
The only diplomacy the Colovians engage in? Giving up 1/3rd of their kingdom to wood elves. Willingly and needlessly. What?!
I hate it. It’s not what Colovians would do. Where is their warrior edge? Where is their Imperial acumen? Why surrender so much to a bested foe, bereft of its god and stripped of its main army? The Bosmer don’t fare any better, either. They keep insisting that the region they claimed was barely inhabited and was free real estate… but the first quest in Dawnwood literally involves rescuing people from the ruined city of Ostumir, which was CLEARLY HEAVILY POPULATED AND DEVELOPED. Dawnwood is full of ruined homes, destroyed manors, over-run ranches, and Colovian corpses. How dense and full of denial are these elves? The Bosmer have always been goobers, but they’ve never been willfully ignorant, oblivious goobers lacking a grasp of reality.
And in the end, when the Bosmer realize their forest was a colonizer’s land-grab, do they agree to return the pilfered lands to the surviving owners? To do the right thing and back off? No, they “promise to be good neighbors going forward.” “We can’t give back what Nantharion has taken.” Yes, you could. You could leave. You totally could. You’re choosing not to.
And the Colovians BUY IT. It’d be like if my neighbor’s husband stole half my backyard, my garage, and ate my dog before I finally bested him. “I can’t give back what my husband took from you,” his wife says as she chomps down on a piece of puppy-jerky. “Mainly because I don’t want to. But I will take good care of your garage and western backyard, because they’re mine now, and be the bestest neighbor ever. You’re welcome! I’m exceedingly generous, aren’t I?”
It’s dumb, and it doesn’t even amount to anything. Dawnwood is not even a memory by the 3rd Era. With neither Ithelia’s power nor The Recollection to maintain the new wood, it recedes against the power of Talos’ CHIM / the Colovian war machine and disappears completely. So the Colovians are made to look weak, incompetent, and pathetic for nothing. The Bosmer are made to look foolish, covetous, and oblivious to reality for nothing. It’s all pointless. It’s all meaningless. Overtly so.
And I picture my friend, laughing. “Well Ingel, what you would have wanted wasn’t the story these developers were interested in telling. It is what it is. Problem is you and your expectations. Set those aside and judge this on its own merits. Appreciate what you have, har har har!”
Oi. I hate eating crow. :-/ He’d be right, too. In isolation, this story isn’t bad. If I ignore all the Colovian lore I’ve gotten to read over the years, basic property law, and so on… works fine. I’m just hung up on my own mind. My own expectations.
Anyways… I came back from a break to see this expansion (your 10 year anniversary RNG dolmen / geyser grind broke my Ubisoft-honed “gotta collect them all” spirit, left me partially embittered, and I moved on to other things and hobbies), and I don’t intend to leave again. Not fully. I am going to considerably scale things back again, though. I’m picturing Nibenay agreeing to cede 1/3rd of its lands to noble-savage goblins, or spending a whole Dres expansion running an underground railroad instead of getting to be delectably bad, and it takes the wind out of my sails. I can’t muster enthusiasm for it. I think I’m not the audience for this anymore, at least right now. I need to apologize to my friend.
Oh, while I’m at it… the Fyrelight Cave quest was torture for me. Not just because it was predictable. No… dowries weren’t pay-to-bypass, convenience of life micro-transactions to skip courtship. People had to pay them, and in some countries still pay them, to show their commitment to the marriage and their financial means. If you couldn’t pony up the money, you clearly weren’t of sufficient fiscal /societal status to join with the other family. “Next time, tell him no dowry. Do it right. Actual courtship” was one of the dumbest things I have ever read in this game. It showed no understanding of the very concept of dowry. Eh. "It is what it is. Problem is you and your expectations. Set those aside and judge this on its own merits." I hate myself right now.
Edit addition: fixed some spacing. I have no one to vent this to, so I vented it here. If you read it, thanks. If not, I can't blame you. :-P This is the first time I have genuinely not felt like part of the modern audience. Maybe I'm just too old to get it. *shrug*
Edited by Ingel_Riday on 24 June 2024 15:48