ZOS Ganks your Employer, Institutes RNG Paycheck System

Morimizo

Market News: ZOS hostile takeover of your Employer, Institutes RNG Paycheck System!


Investors swooned earlier this week as the infamous mega-MMO corp, ZOS, bought out your employer for a good bit of gold.

"We're really excited about the opportunity to help make this company successful again. We believe that the best way to cut expenses is to reduce payroll. Now, we're not megalomaniac bandits wanting to just gank all the employees, leaving them to beg for sweet rolls at the Writ sign in Craglorn. No indeed. There will not be mass disconnects (for the most part), just a small "adjustment" to employee income. And an extended wait time in the line for punching the clock, but that's neither here nor there...

We are implementing an RNG system with employee paychecks. It's going to save the company a ton of gold, and it's fun besides. Even in the extremely unlikely event that an employee quits, our expert analysts assure us that at least a hundred more destitute and gullible individuals will quickly take their place. After all, WE HAVE LORE.

The system is really quite simple: regardless of how many hours someone toils, their paycheck will be adjusted by a 20-85% modifying factor. For example, take Joe. He spent 58 hours this week not only on his own job, but with the extra tasks heaped on top (because we had to remove a few dissenters). Imagine how excited he was, heading to Peasant Resources, wondering how much he would get paid. That's right! Even though there is a very likely chance he'll only get 20% of his hourly earnings, he has a steadily decreasing likelihood of earning up to 85%! Because we have the venerable mercy of Stendaar, we also grant a .001% chance to earn 110% of your paycheck!!**

Brilliant, we know. And we're happy for you to serve us. We look forward to a long and non-mutually prosperous relationship with our slaves employees, and the ever-increasing bonus rewards from our shareholders for us."


**In order to qualify for the .001% chance to earn 110% of their paycheck, employees will need to present the "Golden Printer Ink" upon receipt. This is easily and speedily acquired thusly:

--Ink Shards are hidden throughout the office complex. Shards can be found in parking meters (watch out for the traffic cops; it's illegal to tamper with the meters and we will not be held responsible for employee greed), urinals, sink plumbing, elevator shafts, roof gargoyle's teeth (long way down, chief!), as well as many other completely inconvenient locations.

Gloves, gas-masks, and professional climbing gear recommended.

Employees will need to collect 20 in order to buy a Golden Ink Geode from the Peasant Resources secretary, for half of an employee's last weekly paycheck.

--Once a Golden Ink Geode is purchased, employees will use this as a pass to enter an exam based on:
(1) The 1,498-page company policy book, "How to turn your customers upside down, shake out the change from their pockets, and get them to sincerely ask for it again";
(2) The CEO's complete family tree, along with middle names and favorite colors;
and,
(3) Scientific names for Merethic-era microorganisms.

If, in the most certainly impossible circumstance, an employee scores a 101 on this test, the lucky someone will receive a Golden Ink Gemstone.

--If an employee is one of the zero people who have earned this Golden Ink Gemstone, they will then need to report to the roof for a physical fitness test.
This will include, but is not limited to, strapping on a 75-pound backpack and leaping from rooftop to rooftop in an obstacle course specifically designed to make sure that said employee is not capable of receiving the Golden Printer Ink and getting paid more than their sorry butts should be paid.

We will not be held responsible for side-effects from this fitness test, such as falling trauma, company assassin sniper shots, being squished into jelly by a troll, or being ganked by the company mercs on the way to collecting the Golden Printer Ink after successfully finishing the trial. And it is also not the fault of the company that an employee's reviving soul gems were tainted and didn't work. It is the responsibility of the employee to adequately check their equipment before attempting difficult endeavors.

"As your new 'Fabulous for its Philanthropy" employer, we look forward to many lols from your repeated, epic, and in vain, struggles. Enjoy!!"



This parody is brought to you by the ridiculous decision for harvest nodes in Orsinium to be RNG. ENOUGH with the RNG!!! Sheesh.

Evergnar

Brilliant!!!

badash5255

lol

WaTeR-aBuSeR

In before they say ok you don't want RNG, 1000000 mats per armor piece

SHADOW2KK

Hehe nicely done OP

Xjcon

LMAO.

Riga_Mortis

EPIC

Elektrakosh

Lol!

Ourorboros

What, no golf metaphor? Sounds like my former job.

CGPsaint

In other news, I have been trying to get a complete Adroitness Set, and odds are that I will have progressed beyond the drop levels before I find a 3rd piece. On the bright side, I looted my first purple armor last night... so I guess that's the same thing as completing a set. Granted, it's not a great set, however I have found that I simply cannot complete a single set due to the awesome RNG that this game uses, and I'm hellbent to complete that set just to see if it can be done.

daemonios

They won't get the message as long as there are enough people who happily open their wallets to remove any "inconvenience" game designers deliberately throw in the game. By the time most players are fed up, ZOS execs and shareholders will have bought their new cars/houses from selling bits and pixels in their monopoly marketplace.

My will to keep subbing - and playing - is hanging by a thread.

Morimizo

Ourorboros wrote: »

What, no golf metaphor? Sounds like my former job.

lol, no...thought I'd branch out a bit..., although,

If you worked for commission in a Retail Golf Outlet, this would not be a far-fetched scenario...

xaraan

LOL

Seriously though, I don't mind RNG, but the fact that the "N" is crap.

No player should run vet WGT two dozen times and only end up with only one drop and that drop be crap.

No player should open up over 20 vaults and only have three usable drops total out of it.

No player should have an enchanter hireling and not get one single kuta delivery in six months.

No player should have to deal with a company that secretly nerfs the RNG of something like psijic ambrosia fragments so they can sell more in the crown store (same thing happened to other fragments as well).

Make it random, but give players a good chance of having a set of something by the time they've run something twenty times.
Certain traits should not even be in the RNG or give high level crafters the ability to change traits.

Morimizo

xaraan wrote: »

LOL

Seriously though, I don't mind RNG, but the fact that the "N" is crap.

No player should run vet WGT two dozen times and only end up with only one drop and that drop be crap.

No player should open up over 20 vaults and only have three usable drops total out of it.

No player should have an enchanter hireling and not get one single kuta delivery in six months.

No player should have to deal with a company that secretly nerfs the RNG of something like psijic ambrosia fragments so they can sell more in the crown store (same thing happened to other fragments as well).

Make it random, but give players a good chance of having a set of something by the time they've run something twenty times.
Certain traits should not even be in the RNG or give high level crafters the ability to change traits.

Agreed! And in jest, since this deserves an AMEN, your character should be allowed to preach at the Talos statue in Whiterun for a day.

If the bolded is really true, and could be proved (with pics and teary-eyed confessionals of course), wonder how folks would react?

Scyantific

"Working as intended" - Payroll team lead

Lightninvash

Morimizo wrote: »

Market News: ZOS hostile takeover of your Employer, Institutes RNG Paycheck System!


Investors swooned earlier this week as the infamous mega-MMO corp, ZOS, bought out your employer for a good bit of gold.

"We're really excited about the opportunity to help make this company successful again. We believe that the best way to cut expenses is to reduce payroll. Now, we're not megalomaniac bandits wanting to just gank all the employees, leaving them to beg for sweet rolls at the Writ sign in Craglorn. No indeed. There will not be mass disconnects (for the most part), just a small "adjustment" to employee income. And an extended wait time in the line for punching the clock, but that's neither here nor there...

We are implementing an RNG system with employee paychecks. It's going to save the company a ton of gold, and it's fun besides. Even in the extremely unlikely event that an employee quits, our expert analysts assure us that at least a hundred more destitute and gullible individuals will quickly take their place. After all, WE HAVE LORE.

The system is really quite simple: regardless of how many hours someone toils, their paycheck will be adjusted by a 20-85% modifying factor. For example, take Joe. He spent 58 hours this week not only on his own job, but with the extra tasks heaped on top (because we had to remove a few dissenters). Imagine how excited he was, heading to Peasant Resources, wondering how much he would get paid. That's right! Even though there is a very likely chance he'll only get 20% of his hourly earnings, he has a steadily decreasing likelihood of earning up to 85%! Because we have the venerable mercy of Stendaar, we also grant a .001% chance to earn 110% of your paycheck!!**

Brilliant, we know. And we're happy for you to serve us. We look forward to a long and non-mutually prosperous relationship with our slaves employees, and the ever-increasing bonus rewards from our shareholders for us."


**In order to qualify for the .001% chance to earn 110% of their paycheck, employees will need to present the "Golden Printer Ink" upon receipt. This is easily and speedily acquired thusly:

--Ink Shards are hidden throughout the office complex. Shards can be found in parking meters (watch out for the traffic cops; it's illegal to tamper with the meters and we will not be held responsible for employee greed), urinals, sink plumbing, elevator shafts, roof gargoyle's teeth (long way down, chief!), as well as many other completely inconvenient locations.

Gloves, gas-masks, and professional climbing gear recommended.

Employees will need to collect 20 in order to buy a Golden Ink Geode from the Peasant Resources secretary, for half of an employee's last weekly paycheck.

--Once a Golden Ink Geode is purchased, employees will use this as a pass to enter an exam based on:
(1) The 1,498-page company policy book, "How to turn your customers upside down, shake out the change from their pockets, and get them to sincerely ask for it again";
(2) The CEO's complete family tree, along with middle names and favorite colors;
and,
(3) Scientific names for Merethic-era microorganisms.

If, in the most certainly impossible circumstance, an employee scores a 101 on this test, the lucky someone will receive a Golden Ink Gemstone.

--If an employee is one of the zero people who have earned this Golden Ink Gemstone, they will then need to report to the roof for a physical fitness test.
This will include, but is not limited to, strapping on a 75-pound backpack and leaping from rooftop to rooftop in an obstacle course specifically designed to make sure that said employee is not capable of receiving the Golden Printer Ink and getting paid more than their sorry butts should be paid.

We will not be held responsible for side-effects from this fitness test, such as falling trauma, company assassin sniper shots, being squished into jelly by a troll, or being ganked by the company mercs on the way to collecting the Golden Printer Ink after successfully finishing the trial. And it is also not the fault of the company that an employee's reviving soul gems were tainted and didn't work. It is the responsibility of the employee to adequately check their equipment before attempting difficult endeavors.

"As your new 'Fabulous for its Philanthropy" employer, we look forward to many lols from your repeated, epic, and in vain, struggles. Enjoy!!"



This parody is brought to you by the ridiculous decision for harvest nodes in Orsinium to be RNG. ENOUGH with the RNG!!! Sheesh.

I think we just became friends haha this is awesome

WaTeR-aBuSeR

sadly the loot is so much rng because of no lockout timers. However, it doesn't need to be as bad as diablo 3 was awhile ago. They need to add in barter items you get per run so atleast after 50 you get a piece you want or are able to change the trait.

Preyfar

I never get paid. 30+ gold keys and ZERO SHOULDERS... I'd quit, find another job.

tordr86b16_ESO

Good read, this was more entertaining than playing the game.

Victus

Too long. Didn't read.

Morimizo

Victus wrote: »

Too long. Didn't read.

lol--short version:

Me no like that lower tier crafting material can drop from Tier 10 Orsinium harvest nodes.

No more RNG.

Have enough already.

Better?

nimander99

I give you a capital G for Gangsta

UltimaJoe777

Morimizo wrote: »

Market News: ZOS hostile takeover of your Employer, Institutes RNG Paycheck System!


Investors swooned earlier this week as the infamous mega-MMO corp, ZOS, bought out your employer for a good bit of gold.

"We're really excited about the opportunity to help make this company successful again. We believe that the best way to cut expenses is to reduce payroll. Now, we're not megalomaniac bandits wanting to just gank all the employees, leaving them to beg for sweet rolls at the Writ sign in Craglorn. No indeed. There will not be mass disconnects (for the most part), just a small "adjustment" to employee income. And an extended wait time in the line for punching the clock, but that's neither here nor there...

We are implementing an RNG system with employee paychecks. It's going to save the company a ton of gold, and it's fun besides. Even in the extremely unlikely event that an employee quits, our expert analysts assure us that at least a hundred more destitute and gullible individuals will quickly take their place. After all, WE HAVE LORE.

The system is really quite simple: regardless of how many hours someone toils, their paycheck will be adjusted by a 20-85% modifying factor. For example, take Joe. He spent 58 hours this week not only on his own job, but with the extra tasks heaped on top (because we had to remove a few dissenters). Imagine how excited he was, heading to Peasant Resources, wondering how much he would get paid. That's right! Even though there is a very likely chance he'll only get 20% of his hourly earnings, he has a steadily decreasing likelihood of earning up to 85%! Because we have the venerable mercy of Stendaar, we also grant a .001% chance to earn 110% of your paycheck!!**

Brilliant, we know. And we're happy for you to serve us. We look forward to a long and non-mutually prosperous relationship with our slaves employees, and the ever-increasing bonus rewards from our shareholders for us."


**In order to qualify for the .001% chance to earn 110% of their paycheck, employees will need to present the "Golden Printer Ink" upon receipt. This is easily and speedily acquired thusly:

--Ink Shards are hidden throughout the office complex. Shards can be found in parking meters (watch out for the traffic cops; it's illegal to tamper with the meters and we will not be held responsible for employee greed), urinals, sink plumbing, elevator shafts, roof gargoyle's teeth (long way down, chief!), as well as many other completely inconvenient locations.

Gloves, gas-masks, and professional climbing gear recommended.

Employees will need to collect 20 in order to buy a Golden Ink Geode from the Peasant Resources secretary, for half of an employee's last weekly paycheck.

--Once a Golden Ink Geode is purchased, employees will use this as a pass to enter an exam based on:
(1) The 1,498-page company policy book, "How to turn your customers upside down, shake out the change from their pockets, and get them to sincerely ask for it again";
(2) The CEO's complete family tree, along with middle names and favorite colors;
and,
(3) Scientific names for Merethic-era microorganisms.

If, in the most certainly impossible circumstance, an employee scores a 101 on this test, the lucky someone will receive a Golden Ink Gemstone.

--If an employee is one of the zero people who have earned this Golden Ink Gemstone, they will then need to report to the roof for a physical fitness test.
This will include, but is not limited to, strapping on a 75-pound backpack and leaping from rooftop to rooftop in an obstacle course specifically designed to make sure that said employee is not capable of receiving the Golden Printer Ink and getting paid more than their sorry butts should be paid.

We will not be held responsible for side-effects from this fitness test, such as falling trauma, company assassin sniper shots, being squished into jelly by a troll, or being ganked by the company mercs on the way to collecting the Golden Printer Ink after successfully finishing the trial. And it is also not the fault of the company that an employee's reviving soul gems were tainted and didn't work. It is the responsibility of the employee to adequately check their equipment before attempting difficult endeavors.

"As your new 'Fabulous for its Philanthropy" employer, we look forward to many lols from your repeated, epic, and in vain, struggles. Enjoy!!"



This parody is brought to you by the ridiculous decision for harvest nodes in Orsinium to be RNG. ENOUGH with the RNG!!! Sheesh.

The sooner you accept that every single game with any sort of random factor uses RNG, the better off you'll be... Unless RNG itself drives you so completely bonkers that you begin relying on RNG in real life out of the sheer insanity RNG itself has brought upon you, including how RNG suddenly decides all of your actions and decisions from that day on.

Also just stop complaining about RNG period... If it were so easy to get the best it wouldn't be "the best" and it certainly wouldn't prolong the game because you'd get bored of just going around doing stuff with the best gear and nothing left to aim for.

Also leave me out of this >:O

Scyantific

Morimizo wrote: »

Victus wrote: »

Too long. Didn't read.

Me no like that lower tier crafting material can drop from Tier 10 Orsinium harvest nodes.

Wait what? how much lower are we talking? Like, "here, have a Rubedite node with Iron in it!" low?

Xendyn

Victus wrote: »

Too long. Didn't read.

Your loss
Guy writes pretty good satires.

Elephant42

+ Eleventy billion internetz

AnnieBeGood

oh.... lol - clever stuff. Have an awesome my dear fellow.

RoxyPhoenix

nicely done OP, somehow I doubt ZOS will appreciate the effort tho.

Morimizo

UltimaJoe777 wrote: »

The sooner you accept that every single game with any sort of random factor uses RNG, the better off you'll be... Unless RNG itself drives you so completely bonkers that you begin relying on RNG in real life out of the sheer insanity RNG itself has brought upon you, including how RNG suddenly decides all of your actions and decisions from that day on.

Also just stop complaining about RNG period... If it were so easy to get the best it wouldn't be "the best" and it certainly wouldn't prolong the game because you'd get bored of just going around doing stuff with the best gear and nothing left to aim for.

Also leave me out of this >:O

It's not ALL RNG I want curtailed, or removed, it's the obscene level to which it has been used. And yes, I would prefer the best gear and loot to be acquired through player skill, not LUCK. It doesn't mean there can't be randomness, in terms of what the rewards are for time invested.

Scyantific wrote: »

Wait what? how much lower are we talking? Like, "here, have a Rubedite node with Iron in it!" low?

According to the patch notes for 2.2.1, the Tier 10 crafting nodes still have the probability of dropping the Tier 9 material, at least. Maybe someone can confirm if lower tiers than that drop.

Spearshard

Zos patchnotes: satire is op, nerf ed. Also decreased drop rates for paychecks.

Carter_DC

BEST POST EVER ON THESE FORUMS. PERIOD.
(however u should have specified that employees who thought they could group in parties of twelve can still try to get some Ink Shards but won't get any anyway.)