I posted this on MMORPG on April 12. I got locked then banned. Was told I was trolling. I wanted it to post it on these forums but did not know where to post it. It seems I gave people too much credit and made some assumptions about them understanding what I was doing. This is satyr so please people take it with a grain of salt. If you like the old way MMO, I am sorry. I don't mean to offend. If you none of you feel offended then screw you MMORPG!!

I originally titled this thread, "10 reasons why ESO SUCKS BIG DONKEY BALLS!"

11. No "yellow brick road". After UO and ever since EQ1 I have been trained a certain way to play a MMO. You get a quest. You don't read the text (or in ESO's case listen to voice-over... yes every single quest has a voice over). You spam click the convo until there are no more and you exit the convo. Wait for the YBR and follow it along. I was trained, conditioned, brainwashed to do this. This is the way you do things. This is how you progress from one quest to another. Well, someone forgot to tell ESO this is how it is done. They expect me to read/listen to the quests NPCs. They actually give directions that are vital to the quest. There are alternative outcomes to the quest conclusions. And sometimes I am running around in a circle asking myself, where the hell am I suppose to go. And that stupid triangle is not enough help!! Sometimes I know where to go but my pathing is so bad I get completely lost and I have to turn around (Dam you stupid hills).

9. No "easy levels". Again, if you did not want to bother with quests, the previous MMOs have trained me that a viable alternative is to go in the field filled with rabbits and kill rabbits. Kill a handful and you should level past the newbie area and be able to progress. If you don't know where the rabbit field is, that is ok, because a quest telling you to kill 10 rabbits will be able to show you to the rabbit field. Well again, ESO has to be "different". There are no rabbits to kill. You have to do quests. Which means you have to read the quest prompts, and think about the quests and make choices... You can go kill mudcrabs but you have to kill thousands of them to level. But if you can stand there and kill over 100k mudcrabs you can get to 50... I think.

8. Graphics too realistic. I endured the painful quests and lack of easy mobs to grind and was able to get to the next zone. I was running around and jumping over trees trying to get to the next quest. I did not quite know where the next quest was but I knew if I ran around a bit I would eventually be able to find one. As I was running I saw a resource node and I ran to it. As I was gathering some flax a freaken giant bat started attacking me. The bat was next to a tree which was next to the resource node. But the bat blended in with the tree so much I was unaware and it screeched at me and jumped down on me. Scared the freaken crap out of me. You don't do that in an MMO. You don't hide monsters in the foliage and have them jump out at you. That is not fair. And the freaken bat was scary as crap to look at. It should look blocky and cute. It should not make loud screeching noises and jump on me while I am harvesting a node. I am old man. I could have had a heart-attack. I could totally sue them. Oh and there are trolls under bridges. I was running over a bridge and as soon as I got to the other side a big ugly troll came smacking me from behind. I was like WTF ESO!!? You don't ambush me while I am running around aimlessly looking for the next quest! You don't do that! Don't even let get into crocodiles in swamps laying in wait...

7. Too many quests. I am the kind of guy that likes to complete everything before I go to the next zone. I am *** that way. And it usually is not problematic as everything is laid out for me and each zone is not that big. Well again, ESO did not get that memo. It is hard to find all the quests. Things are hidden around the map and you have to literally run around and explore. That would not be a problem if they would make the zones smaller. Each zone is so freaken big and there are so many quests, caves, mini-bosses, islands and other crap to go around and see that it takes so freaken long to do everything in a zone!! It is just too big! Which leads to point 6.

6. Too much content. After a few days I finally finished the first zone. I pre-ordered the game so I got the early access. I was able to put a good 6 hours each day and it took me three days to get to the second zone. After I completed the second zone (third zone if you count the starter island) and I pressed map on the third zone and saw how big it was, I almost wanted to stop playing right there. It just seemed like so much to do. I was barely over lvl 24. I recalled how long it took me to complete the other two zones and I was just mentally fatigued. I have to run around and look for the quests and dungeons. I have to pay attention to the quest givers. I have to think to complete most of them. To do that in each zone and averaging only 10 to 15 levels each zone. I realized how long it would take me and I was just not use to that. I should be max level in a week at most. I was mentally preparing myself for the end game grind after like 7 days and here after 7 days I am in the third zone and not even half way to max level. WHAT IS GOING ON ESO!!!

5. No grind at the end. A few of the other guild members who have more time on their hands were able to push toward 50 in a week. I guess I just suck. I was waiting to have them tell me what to grind at 50 and how I should prepare myself for it. But there was no grind. Heck they hit 50 and that just meant they could go to the next continent and do all their quests. And of course ESO doesn't make it easy and they scale it to 50. Not only is it scaled they are different quests!!! What is going on!!! I want to relax and go brain dead. I don't need another freaken set of zones like I have been going through. Why are they doing this? I don't understand. Twenty years of MMOs have scripted a way things should be and they are going off script! Who the hell do they think they are?

4. Promotes Anti-social behavior. You don't have to group or join a guild. It is not a requirement. But they MAKE YOU adventurer with other players. In ALL... and I mean ALL!!!! other mmos you need to group through a dungeon or a special mob fight to get credit for completion. So you know, you sit around and do a zone chat asking for a group and after an hour or so you go find a group and you head out. Some games have group finders and you have to submit your resume (1500 dps, experienced in raid A, B, C... type resume) Not in this game. I don't know how they do it, but you can just go to a dungeon and other players are all running down there as well and doing the same thing you are doing and you get full credit for it. You can help them or they can help you and there is no steal killing or grief-ing. People run around do their stuff and leave. No waiting in line. No arguments about who was here first or why did you steal this or anything. Even if you wanted to solo (which would be near impossible to finish the dungeon) ESO won't let you. If there is a difficult mini-boss you run into, do a local shout and people come help you kill and leave. No grouping, no ninja loot stealing (all loot is instanced per individual) just come help kill and leave. I enjoyed the downtime I had when I need a group. I enjoyed sitting around in the city reading the zone chat and listening to people talk politics and how WOW was the first MMO. I like those moments. It was a good break from killing the 10 rabbits. But no, ESO says you don't get to do that. If you want to group great but you do not HAVE TO. They are anarchists!

3. No Auto Follow Command. I know a lot of people complain about gold farmers. But you have to realize those people need to make a living too. Just because we live in prosperous places and have plenty of food does not mean that exists everywhere. Certain places are not as fortunate. A lot of these places the only job you can get is gold farming video games and selling the gold so they can put food on their table. Don't hate them for trying to make a living. The auto follow command is essential for gold farmers. It does my heart good to see ASDF being followed by FGHJ and JKLM. I smile when they go kill the rabbits in the rabbit field. I smile when they farm the same monster over and over again. I don't mind that they are taking away the rabbits I need to grind to get to next level or that they are stealing my resources. I feel like I am helping the common man by letting them kill the rabbits. ASDF is my friend. One day I will name a dog ASDF.

2. Crafting is too complex. I don't understand it. I don't get it. All the other games it is gather press a button and repeat. Actually to be fair other games recently coming out has also made crafting complex. But at least in those games they make crafting all doable in a central location. Here I hear people saying you have to go this place to craft a special piece or you have to do this research in this order so you can go over here to get this bonus and you need this to do that and.... FRAK YOU ESO!!! Why do you make my brain hurt! As I got to later levels this was worse than I thought. I asked a guy to craft me some armor to celebrate me turning VR1. I said, "craft me a set of armor. I got like 20k gold." He responds, "Sure. Did you want a set piece? I can do 5 but not 6 in full medium. I prefer Hundings but that depends on your build. Some like Nightmother's. Do you know which motiff and which traight? You gonna go full medium or 5/2?" I was like, "WHAT? What language are you speaking? Just craft me some damn armor!"

1. Stable game. First thing I do when a game launches is read the hacker forums to find out the best way to exploit the game. I look for quick exp exploits as well as economy exploits. Lets be real here. The 5 day early access is not so you can get 5 days early to play the game. it is 5 days to exploit the game. We all know it and that is why you have to be constantly monitoring reddit. Well sure enough ESO had an exp exploit. I figured I had some time so I decided to read more up on it. Most games take at least a couple weeks before fixing such an exploit. Two days. Are you kidding me? HOW THE FRAK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO EXPLOIT THE GAME IN TWO DAYS!! Hell I could not even get to lvl 10 to do the exploit in two days! After two days they bring down the servers and I am like... no impossible. But yeah possible.

ESO needs to understand something. Twenty years of MMO play has made me have certain expectations. You have met none of those expectations. I am greatly disturbed and I strongly suggest you rethink your game design. I know what you fanboys are saying. Why come on and whine about the game, just quit. Well, first I paid for the game and I did a 6 month subscription. Now would they reimburse my 6 months? Probably, but I am not going to let them get off that easily. I am going to whine and cry like a princess in Compton! And if they don't give me back my YBR soon, things are going to get ugly! Hulk vs. Loki type ugly!

Ok end of satyr. I understand this is post might not have the same impact given it is now out 2 months+ as opposed to when I originally posted on April 12. Still the point I was trying to make then and trying to make now is... Don't compare anything to a memory. You think that last MMO you played is better. You think UO, EQ1, DaoC was perfect and better. They were not. The memory of them was better. Give it time boys. Go play Wildstar... lol see how well that is going.

[Moderator Note: Added the term "Satire" to the thread title to clarify the purpose of this post.]