Maintenance for the week of August 24:
• PC/Mac: No maintenance – August 24

Me, and Only Me, All the Time

El_Borracho
El_Borracho
✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭
Its time we acknowledge that this game needs to cater to me. My PVP build and only my PVP build should reign supreme. It should have unlimited regen, speed, and damage shields while my DPS never drops below 200K. Scratch that, my DPS numbers will increase geometrically with the passage of every minute I spend in the game. I shall be a werewolf vampire DK sorcerer dwarven maormer centaur with a mount who eats my foes once I dispatch them, eliminating them forever from the game. If anyone can survive more than one of my mighty strikes, their build needs to be nerfed immediately. Volendrung? It shall bounce off of my being and instead kill the swath of those who wield it against me. If I happen to die, by some divine force or bathroom break, both beyond my control, Cyrodiil shall immediately be rebuilt by the devs to make sure that injustice never, ever occurs again.

In addition, this build shall be equally effective in PVE, not just as a DD, but also a Tank and Healer, all at the same time. If any hardmode vet trial takes more than 5 minutes to complete, it shall be stricken from the game and all loot deposited into my account. Plus, my build shall have 100% RNG, with all drops occurring all at the same time, all the time, only for me and nobody else. Instead of gold, kills shall grant me crowns, trade bars, transmutes, and telvar, no matter where I am. Oh, and gold. All the gold.

I want one bar for health, magicka, stamina, aura, and popularity that will never go down, only up. I want a class change token, a cape, a bowstaff, and nunchakus. Why not.

We shall call this new world of ESO "Balanced."

I think that covers every single post ever.
  • ShutUpitsRed
    ShutUpitsRed
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    Can I interest you in a game called Skyrim? I think the build you're describing has the name "Dovahkiin".
  • cyclonus11
    cyclonus11
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    ✭✭✭
    giphy.gif
  • Warhawke_80
    Warhawke_80
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    This actually made me laugh :D
    ““Elric knew. The sword told him, without words of any sort. Stormbringer needed to fight, for that was its reason for existence...”― Michael Moorcock, Elric of Melniboné
  • Nestor
    Nestor
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    Sounds like a reasonable request.
    Enjoy the game, life is what you really want to be worried about.

    PakKat "Everything was going well, until I died"
    Gary Gravestink "I am glad you died, I needed the help"

  • Aislinna
    Aislinna
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    Obligatory cries of disagreement and unfairness!!
  • oddarin
    oddarin
    ✭✭✭
    And riding dragons! In the shiniest armor your imagination can ever create - there are two moons on skies, why not to become the second sun throwing all the might of my mightiness on pathetic heads of wretched enemies!
    Steam PCEU
  • shadyjane62
    shadyjane62
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    ✭✭✭
    Do you need a GF?
  • ZomZom
    ZomZom
    ✭✭✭
    I’d love to know what percentage of players mostly solo quest compared to how many forum posters do. The forum over the last 12 years has been nonstop pleas to rebalance.
  • El_Borracho
    El_Borracho
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    ✭✭✭
    Do you need a GF?

    :D

    I just felt like having some fun after seeing so many versions of bits of this post these last few weeks. Don't tell the devs that I'm not serious. Or maybe do, they might implement some of these ideas...
    Edited by El_Borracho on August 12, 2026 10:41PM
  • Arunei
    Arunei
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    There cannot genuinely be people taking this seriously lmao.

    Anyway I vote for also having everything for me. Except I want to step foot in every single Dungeon, Trial, Arena, Delve, Public Dungeon, or PvP area and instantly have everything to do with it showered upon my account to congratulate me for engaging. Even if that engagement is for all of .25 seconds lol.
    PC-NA | Been around since closed beta | Alt account: Arunei PC-NA

    Avid RPer. Hit me up in-game @Ras_Lei if you're interested in getting together for some arr-pee shenanigans!

    RP Characters:
    Sarah Lacroix: Breton Vampire who really really REALLY likes likes learning Magick and also her Altmer husbando
    Kaalhil Swiftstrike: Tiny shapeshifting monster hunter Bosmeri lady with enough sass to kill a dragon or ten
    Gwendolyn Jenelle: Friendly healer with a coffee addiction and her own medical practice
    Krisiel: Literally crazy Werewolf, no like legit insane. She nuts
    Kiju Veran: Ex-Fighters Guild Suthay who likes to punch things and is also a spy and ALSO a Werewolf
    Niralae Elsinal: Young Altmeri woman with way too much Magicka and Vampire husbando
    Slondor: TESified Slenderman, except lazier and has more of a thing for deals than Clavicus Vile does
    Marius Vastino: Sarah's Imperial apathetic sire who likes to monologue
    Lirawyn Calatare: Traveling performer and bard who's 101% vanilla bean
    Soliril Larethian: Blind alchemist who uses animals to see and brews plagues in his spare time
  • Elvenheart
    Elvenheart
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    ✭✭✭✭
    Its time we acknowledge that this game needs to cater to me. My PVP build and only my PVP build should reign supreme. It should have unlimited regen, speed, and damage shields while my DPS never drops below 200K. Scratch that, my DPS numbers will increase geometrically with the passage of every minute I spend in the game. I shall be a werewolf vampire DK sorcerer dwarven maormer centaur with a mount who eats my foes once I dispatch them, eliminating them forever from the game. If anyone can survive more than one of my mighty strikes, their build needs to be nerfed immediately. Volendrung? It shall bounce off of my being and instead kill the swath of those who wield it against me. If I happen to die, by some divine force or bathroom break, both beyond my control, Cyrodiil shall immediately be rebuilt by the devs to make sure that injustice never, ever occurs again.

    In addition, this build shall be equally effective in PVE, not just as a DD, but also a Tank and Healer, all at the same time. If any hardmode vet trial takes more than 5 minutes to complete, it shall be stricken from the game and all loot deposited into my account. Plus, my build shall have 100% RNG, with all drops occurring all at the same time, all the time, only for me and nobody else. Instead of gold, kills shall grant me crowns, trade bars, transmutes, and telvar, no matter where I am. Oh, and gold. All the gold.

    I want one bar for health, magicka, stamina, aura, and popularity that will never go down, only up. I want a class change token, a cape, a bowstaff, and nunchakus. Why not.

    We shall call this new world of ESO "Balanced."

    I think that covers every single post ever.

    You forgot horse armor. 🐎
    Edited by Elvenheart on August 13, 2026 1:45AM
  • PoveusRonin
    PoveusRonin
    ✭✭✭
    ZomZom wrote: »
    I’d love to know what percentage of players mostly solo quest compared to how many forum posters do. The forum over the last 12 years has been nonstop pleas to rebalance.

    Rebalance? Rebalance? All I see are threads saying nerf this, nerf that, and omg my class is dead fix it. While the OP was more of a satire piece, it honestly feels like an honest representation of what a lot of posts have been recently.
  • Malprave
    Malprave
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    It's a 100% accurate take on these forums and shows how even when Zos was more on the ball they faced a challenge they could never win.
  • Taarente
    Taarente
    ✭✭✭✭
    I think you missed having a new exclusive title: “Objectively Better Than Everyone Else.”
  • Luneca
    Luneca
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    Malprave wrote: »
    It's a 100% accurate take on these forums and shows how even when Zos was more on the ball they faced a challenge they could never win.

    It's because people won't give up their cheese. NB is in a bad spot because ZOS ddin't address cloak/invis/stealth sooner. Now it sucks for PvE and PvP due to all the "changes" (nerfs) over the year to balance the power budget of the class with that mechanic.

    Really would like to see it uncoupled from the mechanic and have better options, then power restored elsewhere. A lot of people don't understand that what ultimately happens is a net nerf. Look at what happened to templar when people defended Living Dark being so powerful -- the class got nerfed elsewhere and then the skill is now also nerfed leaving it in a bad spot.

    Same trend will happen to DK soon probably. But hey, at least the players defending it got to have it "back" for a while.
  • Blood_again
    Blood_again
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    this game needs to cater to me and my cat

    Fixed it B)
  • Major_Mangle
    Major_Mangle
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    How people asking for zos to use battle spirit for all balancing sounds like
    Ps4 EU 2016-2020
    PC/EU: 2020 -
  • AlienSlof
    AlienSlof
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    ✭✭✭
    Its time we acknowledge that this game needs to cater to me. My PVP build and only my PVP build should reign supreme. It should have unlimited regen, speed, and damage shields while my DPS never drops below 200K. Scratch that, my DPS numbers will increase geometrically with the passage of every minute I spend in the game. I shall be a werewolf vampire DK sorcerer dwarven maormer centaur with a mount who eats my foes once I dispatch them, eliminating them forever from the game. If anyone can survive more than one of my mighty strikes, their build needs to be nerfed immediately. Volendrung? It shall bounce off of my being and instead kill the swath of those who wield it against me. If I happen to die, by some divine force or bathroom break, both beyond my control, Cyrodiil shall immediately be rebuilt by the devs to make sure that injustice never, ever occurs again.

    In addition, this build shall be equally effective in PVE, not just as a DD, but also a Tank and Healer, all at the same time. If any hardmode vet trial takes more than 5 minutes to complete, it shall be stricken from the game and all loot deposited into my account. Plus, my build shall have 100% RNG, with all drops occurring all at the same time, all the time, only for me and nobody else. Instead of gold, kills shall grant me crowns, trade bars, transmutes, and telvar, no matter where I am. Oh, and gold. All the gold.

    I want one bar for health, magicka, stamina, aura, and popularity that will never go down, only up. I want a class change token, a cape, a bowstaff, and nunchakus. Why not.

    We shall call this new world of ESO "Balanced."

    I think that covers every single post ever.

    Thank you for my morning giggle! :D

    All the more amusing because it's so true!
    RIP Atherton, my beautiful little gentle friend, my Shining Light. I will miss you forever. Without you I am a hollow shell.
  • Vulkunne
    Vulkunne
    ✭✭✭✭✭
    Its time we acknowledge that this game needs to cater to me. My PVP build and only my PVP build should reign supreme. It should have unlimited regen, speed, and damage shields while my DPS never drops below 200K. Scratch that, my DPS numbers will increase geometrically with the passage of every minute I spend in the game. I shall be a werewolf vampire DK sorcerer dwarven maormer centaur with a mount who eats my foes once I dispatch them, eliminating them forever from the game. If anyone can survive more than one of my mighty strikes, their build needs to be nerfed immediately. Volendrung? It shall bounce off of my being and instead kill the swath of those who wield it against me. If I happen to die, by some divine force or bathroom break, both beyond my control, Cyrodiil shall immediately be rebuilt by the devs to make sure that injustice never, ever occurs again.

    In addition, this build shall be equally effective in PVE, not just as a DD, but also a Tank and Healer, all at the same time. If any hardmode vet trial takes more than 5 minutes to complete, it shall be stricken from the game and all loot deposited into my account. Plus, my build shall have 100% RNG, with all drops occurring all at the same time, all the time, only for me and nobody else. Instead of gold, kills shall grant me crowns, trade bars, transmutes, and telvar, no matter where I am. Oh, and gold. All the gold.

    I want one bar for health, magicka, stamina, aura, and popularity that will never go down, only up. I want a class change token, a cape, a bowstaff, and nunchakus. Why not.

    We shall call this new world of ESO "Balanced."

    I think that covers every single post ever.

    Exactly that is good. Your Guild is all that matters. Regardless of how frequently you exploit or your computer group just steps on everyone else's PvP and everyone else there to enjoy a balanced game. Just step on 'em you know? Them little people's. Just lie to them saying that they can ask for support in zone chat for things like scroll runs. Tell us sweet little lies.

    Its also helpful, that um you single out you know, they solos and the others who might be better players than you and that's why you bring your group so 7 to 8 other players can buff you while you take on the solos. Cause otherwise its not fair to face someone else in a uh well its a little hoky, the traditional 1v1 you know, as a Guild leader, in PvP, and possibly a streamer as well, you gotta keep up your image.

    And image, is more important than some of these ideas the little people have about being honorable, keeping your word, show casing actual skill. And you know, if someone makes a joke, and its AD Blackreach, Destroy them. No jokes allowed. Just take 'em out and say whatever you like, no matter how hurtful or how um this person supported your faction in the past, no matter how they covered your behind and protected you, its important to not show respect and to keep things personal yeah.

    And also, lets not forget... if someone is using like 1 or maybe 2 lancers and EP slips thru the door, don't do any call outs. Like EP will often call out if an enemy gets thru the lines, you know so others can pull up their siege? But AD on Blackreach, we don't do that here. Just let 'em thru, let 'em kill the ones doing the most good for you defense and leave their artillery there to burn. Cause your Khajit has more important things to do, by standing there and you know... protecting uh the thin air around them, than to put out the fires on your expensive artillery, that was so thoughtfully provided for the benefit of the faction and just watch it burn. Then when I run back, stare at me like you're never seen an Orc before.

    Yeah that is best and everyone will think very highly of you and appreciate your kindness and good effort to protect their good effort on the part of you and the faction. Just like if someone is running a scroll and your DC ball group is there, you know AD is about the ambush them, just leave 'em. Yeah just leave them to their fate because its their fault for stepping up and trying to run a scroll when no one else would. These are things ball group, many AD players, and just Guild leader in general provide for the faction and I think its time, before anything happens to ESO, for us all to turn and recognize all the good they have done over the years.

    Guys, you're just hitting home runs. We can't thank you enough.

    Thank you AD on Blackreach, thank you DC ball groups, for everything over the years.

    *Let's give it up folks, round of applause*
    Edited by Vulkunne on August 13, 2026 3:30PM
    Today Victory is mines... Long Live the Empire. - From a galaxy far far away.
  • Melivar
    Melivar
    ✭✭✭✭
    Just the pick me up I needed this morning. Gave me a good laugh and sadly just so darn true.
Sign In or Register to comment.