Why add me as a friend and then never talk to me again?

Recent · October 2023

Hello forum friends,
When I do random dungeons I always say hello at the start. More players than not will say hi too which is really nice cos those runs tend to be more fun and chill usually.
I have had friend requests from players that find me approachable as a person i guess cos im friendly. Sadly, after i accept the friend request days go by without a word exchanged between us. It feels awkward for me so I will send them a message saying hello or asking if they want to group up to hit me up anytime. Then nothing. I unfriend them eventually cos I dont see the point of keeping someone on my friends list that ignores me. I know players get busy so i dont expect some long conversations or even a chat too often...just some tiny sign that there is a connection of friendship there. I assumed these players added me to do dungeons with me but they were already doing dungeons whenever i logged in.

Do you send friend requests to random players only to ignore them?
Is this a younger generation thing?
It's not a big deal im just curious about this and yes i know i posted this on the forums but im not salty about this or butt hurt lmao i am more interested in human behaviour and why some people do what they do 😁

Thank you kindly in advance for your feedback on this 😊🌼

Rageypoo · October 2023

it's a natural thing for MMO's. Unless you join a VOIP or a guild, the interactions will be limited unless you take initiative.

tsaescishoeshiner · October 2023

I have a lot of friends on my friends list like this, and I honestly have no idea what to do differently lol. TBH the best thing I've done is invite people in my friends list into guilds I'm in.

For example, I've added people to run dungeons with and then lost interest in dungeons. Or I'll ask them and the timing won't work out for one or both. I think there's sometimes inertia to making a friend like that, before you can start syncing your activities up more.

I don't think it's a generation thing, but I do remember other MMOs where people would reach out from the friends list more.

But once you wait a long enough time, you can forget what you used to talk about

.

I recently had someone on my friends list from maybe a year or more reach out to ask how to get to a certain zone. I thought it was nice! Hi.

TaSheen · October 2023

I don't routinely accept friend requests. I have a few people added - they do tend to be like me, busy in game and not chatty. Those who push chat on me get removed. I'm not friendly. I'm not chatty. I don't do group stuff, and that includes people on the friends list (who, as I said above, aren't any more interested in that sort of interaction than I am.)

Most of the people on my friends list on my main account are people I know IRL, plus a couple from this forum that I've connected with in some way.

For the record, I am NOT social, and never will be. Just don't ask me for frieind status. And no, I NEVER send friend requests for any reason.

AcadianPaladin · October 2023

As to the original question, the only advantage I can see of a large friend list (including semi-strangers) is more options if you want to port to other characters. Could be helpful for new characters to learn a bunch of wayshrines I suppose.

I used to have a friends list but got sick and tired having their log in/out info pushed at me. And I'm not keen on advertising my own log in/out info to others - I log in to spend time with my elf, not to chat. So I emptied my friends list completely and keep it that way. I belong to a small guild and if a guildie wants to see if I'm on line they can just check the guild roster and see. I'm quite happy with this solution.

katanagirl1 · October 2023

I generally don’t send friend requests myself, but if others send one and I’ve had a positive experience with them, like being in a group finder dungeon together and had a good run, I will accept.

I do admit that I am confused about some of the people who have been close friends with me when we both played ESO, and we messaged back and forth all day long when online, but when they stopped playing the game I never heard from them again.

SilverBride · October 2023

I've had this happen to me numerous times so I made a rule for myself that anyone on my friends list that hasn't messaged me for a week or more gets removed. This is why my friends list is short, but the players on it are real friends.

phaneub17_ESO · October 2023

Back when I used to tank randoms I get guild invites and friend requests all the time. But I'm a solo player for a reason, people would hit me up whenever I logged on if I want to go on dungeon runs. I play at very erratic times so I could be in the dead of night or early morning where people could wait for hours before a group formed, instant go for me.

I eventually stopped, converted all 6 of my tanks into Hybrids and solo the dungeons instead, this was before companions. I stopped getting the guild invites and friend requests.

Dr_Con · October 2023

For many people, adding someone as a friend in MMOs is mostly a transactional event as opposed to a social one.
edit: it could be renamed to "Contacts" list as opposed to "Friends," but it wouldn't matter in the end.

Ilsabet · October 2023

For the most part, my friend list is a compendium of people I talked to or had a fun experience with one time and we got along well enough to add each other, but we haven't really talked since. This is fine with me, as someone who doesn't initiate a lot of social chatting unless I have something particular to say. It would feel more awkward to go through the "hey how are you" "fine how about you" small talk just for the sake of going through the motions, especially when I've got my own stuff to spend my game time on. And then you've got the people who only reach out when they want help with something or are looking to get gear made, and that just kinda makes me seize up since I don't necessarily want to be mean but I also don't necessarily want to drop what I'm doing to be their on-call helper.

So my friend list is more of a record of people I've had cool experiences with, complete with notes to remind me who the hell they were.

And some are people I know better, who I like seeing pop on just to know they're around. I do more socializing in guild chats since those conversations are more open and I can just drift in and out if I'm paying attention and have something to contribute.

Of course I also don't send random friend invites to people I haven't gotten to know at least a little, so I wouldn't be one of the mysteriously antisocial people you're talking about. But I can see where making the initial connection is the important part and any conversation that happens after that is more incidental.

Jaimeh · October 2023

OP, maybe they forgot where they added you from. I mean they could still have whispered back and not ignore you (though they could have been afk, chat tabbed out, etc.), but maybe they thought you were a random person in their list. I don't think it's always ill-meant or a bad reason behind it, so don't feel bad about it.

Treeshka · October 2023

Online interactions have degraded the meaning of Friend word a lot in my opinion. In your case it is probably they forgot where they added you from or generally forgot to message back.

spartaxoxo · October 2023

I am very quiet and reserved unless I'm pretty comfortable with a person and that takes time.

alternatelder · October 2023

I rarely add, or get added, but when I do..."player has signed out....for 6+ months."

LalMirchi · October 2023

I do not have friends atm.

I did have very pleasant interactions with in-game friends and still have pleasant memories of clearing difficulties together but those were very long ago.

Unfortunately my playstyle is very haphazard as I jump around from activity to activity without rhyme or reason and would not like to subject a new friend to that.

Strangely enough I get quite a few requests while doing my daily chaos and admit to a level of anxiety when refusing.

endgamesmug · October 2023

The only people on my friends list who have been on lately have been my guildmembers, i usually remove after a time after meeting new people if theyre non responsive.

FayJolyn · October 2023

I have a huge lists of people in my friend list that I met in a dungeon, had a good convo with once. I don't expect people to keep track of me, but I can also feel the dilemma the OP feels.
When I first started growing my friends list, I did feel a certain awkwardness, but over time I let it go. It's just hard to keep track of people, I don't always remember anymore why I added them.
Today I consider my friends list more like a mutual thumbs up of approval. I don't feel any pressure to say Hi, but I do wish it was possible sometimes to see a little * to their name to indicate that we are friends, or something like that. It would be easier to recognize people in the wild.

FantasticFreddie · October 2023

I like your vibes but that doesn't mean I am a chatty person

JanTanhide · October 2023

I've friended others and not messaged them for months or ever. It's not that I am being mean or whatever. It's because usually when I friend someone it's to send them an item or two I crafted for them or to send them gear they asked for. If I don't friend the person(s) I usually forget their name.

But yeah, I have some people on my Friends list I haven't messaged in forever. Nothing personal about it.

Warhawke_80 · October 2023

I'm not one for striking up conversations...but I will participate enthusiastically when others do as long as it's good conversation and not just a string of political idiocy or "your mom" jokes

freespirit · October 2023

My friends list has two types of people.....

1:- Actual friends who I talk with all the time and

2:- People who I've added so I can find them if I needed to swap characters whilst crafting for them, these people do sometimes progress to be part of 1 too but more often than not they disappear and are never heard from again, I just forget to remove them!

Mesite · October 2023

I had two who I knew some of their real life background through chats - I messaged them to catch up, but rarely, and we never played together. One other kept asking me if I was free to group up. Others were strangers.

Elsonso · October 2023

SilverBride wrote: »

I've had this happen to me numerous times so I made a rule for myself that anyone on my friends list that hasn't messaged me for a week or more gets removed. This is why my friends list is short, but the players on it are real friends.

Interesting. How do you track how long since they last messaged you?

katanagirl1 wrote: »

I do admit that I am confused about some of the people who have been close friends with me when we both played ESO, and we messaged back and forth all day long when online, but when they stopped playing the game I never heard from them again.

I don't find that unusual. To the contrary, I think it is a thing that naturally happens in social interactions when the common purpose that brought people together is no longer common. Sad when it happens, yes, but it usually isn't a closed door, just some distance.

Recent wrote: »

When I do random dungeons I always say hello at the start. More players than not will say hi too which is really nice cos those runs tend to be more fun and chill usually.

I try to do this, but if I am a late arrival, or someone is already engaged with mobs, I skip it. What I do not skip is the "TYFG" at the end, although, some of the people are already gone by then.

Well.. unless the group was a real ****, then I am usually the one that is already gone. Happened very rarely.

Recent wrote: »

I have had friend requests from players that find me approachable as a person i guess cos im friendly. Sadly, after i accept the friend request days go by without a word exchanged between us. It feels awkward for me so I will send them a message saying hello or asking if they want to group up to hit me up anytime. Then nothing. I unfriend them eventually cos I dont see the point of keeping someone on my friends list that ignores me. I know players get busy so i dont expect some long conversations or even a chat too often...just some tiny sign that there is a connection of friendship there. I assumed these players added me to do dungeons with me but they were already doing dungeons whenever i logged in.

Do you send friend requests to random players only to ignore them?

Is this a younger generation thing?

Not a younger generation thing.

Do I send random friend requests and then ignore them? Nope. I don't normally send friend requests to anyone I have not met IRL.

I also don't initiate in-game private messages to anyone on my ESO "friends" list unless I know them or have met them in real life.

As for messages I receive... I will say that I don't spend a lot of time watching my chat box in the game. I direct certain loot notifications to chat, so it is a rather busy place, at times. More than once, I have seen something directed at me in the chat box only to realize that it was minutes ago that it arrived. I am sure there are ones that I never even saw.

I generally decline Friend requests. Interestingly, I seem to get more of them on my female characters, particularly the blonde one that I created for the purpose of seeing whether I would get more friend requests, than I do on my other characters. That experiment made me a little wary about why people send friend requests to randoms.

Soraka · October 2023

I have several people on my friends list that I have either accidentally added or have accidentally added me during intense cyro battles trying to revive people. Sometimes people walk in front of the bodies and I accidentally interact and add friend with them 😄. I never bother to remove and sometimes accept friend requests when this happens to get the notification away. I don't have a huge friends list so I don't really care if they're on it lol.

SilverBride · October 2023

Elsonso wrote: »

SilverBride wrote: »

I've had this happen to me numerous times so I made a rule for myself that anyone on my friends list that hasn't messaged me for a week or more gets removed. This is why my friends list is short, but the players on it are real friends.

Interesting. How do you track how long since they last messaged you?

I should have said "around a week or so" because I don't keep it to exactly a week, or keep an accurate log of who added me when. But when I look at my list after logging in to see who is on and I think "this player hasn't messaged me once since their friend request and it's been at least a week" then I'll delete them.

I don't understand why players friend request others just because they were in a random group with them or other similar situations. I send very few friends requests because I only friend others I feel a connection to and have talked to or had a lot of fun grouping with. But never anyone I haven't even spoken to.

ArchMikem · October 2023

The Social Media Age.

Making Friends is more important than being Friends.

Michaelkeir · October 2023

I never add people, but due to me having several tanks specifically built for random vet DLC dungeons and running said dungeons on a daily basis, people tend to add me after a successful run. Do they ever reach out to me, no.Am I mad about it, no. I’m not a very social person, and the only time I ever get on mic or in chat is when I run into a group that’s just not getting the mechanics of a boss fight.

YffresTrill · October 2023

I think people sometimes add you as a friend out of some obligatory politeness, just because you had a single positive interaction. I accept because I am not looking to have a discussion over why I refused, then remove them a few weeks down the line after they have surely forgotten who I am.

Don't feel bad about removing these people, OP; they likely won't even realise their massive list of "friends" dropped a member.

WiseSky · October 2023

Consider this perspective: individuals often have approximately 50+ friends in ESO, an additional 200+ friends on Facebook, and even more connections on various other social media platforms.

Then... there are work colleagues, friends from hobbies, and so on, totaling around 50+ people.

In the realm of physical interactions, there are genuine friends and family, totaling perhaps 10+ more people.

So technically , you are in competition with all these individuals for a person's time. To maintain their attention and communication, you need to have made an exceptionally positive impression on them as they will only socialize with the most important ones.

Personally, I find peace in the fact that only a handful of people request my time. If everyone on my "friends" list sought daily interaction, it would consume all my available time.

As always Quality over quantity, I also would suggest, to think of the term "Friends list" in ESO as "A list of names I chose to save when, and if, I ever need to interact with them."

Danikat · October 2023

I only have people on my friends list I'm actually friends with, mostly people I already knew who I then discovered also play ESO.

Sometimes I'll get friend requests pop-up in-game but every time I check carefully and as far as I tell it's someone I've never interacted with at all, so I reject it. I assume if I ever do that to an actual friend they'll ask me why, or it'll be mentioned at some point and then we can fix it, but that's never happened. Maybe I've rejected people I recently did a dungeon with, but if so it was a while after doing it. Usually it happens when I'm in town, often near the bank, so I assume it's people just adding anyone who stays still long enough for them to get the menu up.

I also don't use the friends list as a general purpose grouping 'tool'. If I want people to do a dungeon with or whatever I'm not going to ask all my friends, I'll put a message in my guild chat because then it goes to lots of people at once and no one is individually pressured to reply. My friends list is more for going "Hey do you want me to show you that thing we were talking about yesterday?"

Danikat · October 2023

WiseSky wrote: »

Consider this perspective: individuals often have approximately 50+ friends in ESO, an additional 200+ friends on Facebook, and even more connections on various other social media platforms.

Then... there are work colleagues, friends from hobbies, and so on, totaling around 50+ people.

Wouldn't a lot of those be the same people though? I was recently checking through my Facebook friends and the majority are family, people I know from work (including 3 former bosses) or even from back in school and quite a few are people I know from various online communities, but they're all people I knew in some way before adding them on Facebook. So it's more like an amalgamation of (many but not all) of my contacts rather than an addition to people I know and connect with elsewhere.