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A Sketchy History of Humans in Tamriel

goatlyonesub17_ESO
goatlyonesub17_ESO
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A Sketchy History of Humans In Tamriel
by Haderus Atrimus

Four thousand five hundred years ago, the first humans appeared in Tamriel. This was in the Merethic Era, a thousand years before the First Era began. About five hundred years after humans landed where Windhelm still stands today, the Dragon War began, and it lasted for three or four hundred years. And then came the First Age, when the ancestors of the Nords drove out the Snow Elves, and, under King Harald, created the country of Skyrim. About that time, or maybe a few years later, the Imperials in Cyrodiil rebelled against the Elves and conquered the heartland. Their fighting extended toward the northwest, into High Rock, and, after a hundred years or so, Alessa was crowned Empress of an Empire that lasted for about two thousand years. During the Alessan Empire, Olaf One-Eye caught a dragon, the Dwemer disappeared, the Dunmer Tribunal rose, Yokuda sank into the sea, and the Redguards invaded Hammerfell. The Alessan Empire ended after the Thrassian Plague, which was followed by the War of Righteousness. Then there was an interregnum, which is not the interregnum that we are having now, but is the interregnum that began twelve centuries ago, after the War of Righteousness, and ended with the rise of Emperor Reman Cyrodiil I, about eight hundred years ago. The Reman emperors would reign for six or seven hundred years, during which the Dark Brotherhood was secretly established, and later also the Mages Guild and the Fighter's Guild. Then came another interregnum, which began almost six hundred years ago, and it is still going on today, even though one upstart "emperor" after another pops up in Cyrodiil, only to be dethroned (and usually decapitated) after only a few days. Ours is also the time when the Knahaten Flu is just beginning to wind down. We never locked down any cities and we kept coughing in each others' faces, but we eventually became immune to the disease and we now tell jokes about it. After all, it was mostly the weak who died.
"Argonians have fat, scaly tails." —Rissa Manyclaws.
"Once upon a time there were three sisters: Delicious, Delightful, and Disgusting. Now, Delicious and Delightful were both very pretty girls..." —Brendalyn Jurarde.
"I smell to the nobility." —Indrasa Avani.
"A bargain with an animal is not a contract made." —Haderus Atrimus.
"The mudballs are especially disgusting today." —The Mudball Goblin (aka, Cognac Vinecroft)
"Your armor looks like underwear." —Shuns-the-Knife.
  • goatlyonesub17_ESO
    goatlyonesub17_ESO
    ✭✭✭
    Dear Editor, I am writing to convey my disapproving of your striking out my parenthetical comments, such as the one where I recommended that the Redguards be returned to Yokuda, with weights tied to their legs to ensure that they get there. Please publish a new edition of my history which has all of my parenthetical comments restored. Signed, Haderus Atrimus.
    "Argonians have fat, scaly tails." —Rissa Manyclaws.
    "Once upon a time there were three sisters: Delicious, Delightful, and Disgusting. Now, Delicious and Delightful were both very pretty girls..." —Brendalyn Jurarde.
    "I smell to the nobility." —Indrasa Avani.
    "A bargain with an animal is not a contract made." —Haderus Atrimus.
    "The mudballs are especially disgusting today." —The Mudball Goblin (aka, Cognac Vinecroft)
    "Your armor looks like underwear." —Shuns-the-Knife.
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