Guild ettiquete: How do you make friends in a new guild and do you enjoy chatting on discord?

wishlist14 · May 2019

I'm looking for as much information and guidance as possible on guild ettiquette please. Not guild rules set out by the guild masters but your own personal ettiquette you follow when you join a new guild and are trying to settle in and eventually make friends or even just aquaintances.

The reason for this post is first and foremost my social anxiety that affects how I feel when I join guilds. I am a very friendly and empathic person and I enjoy helping people but I do suffer from paranoia due to the anxiety i feel in social settings.

I join a guild and I always say hello and thank you for the invite and everyone is welcoming and chatty. I connect to discord. First day I tend to read guild chat or discord and usually join in a bit more the next day. Now here is when it gets a bit strange for me...About a day in the guild goes either deathly quiet ( yes I get it that ppl get busy) or if they are talking a lot I may join in and I get ignored. Guild members start talking among themselves. I know this because they refer to each other by name. Then i may add something that is in context with the converstation and I'm totally ignored. This kind of situation has happened to me in many guilds. I have personal rules. I never brag, never judge or swear or anything of that nature. Sometimes it feels like i walked into a clique.

Another strange situation is where I meet my guildies for a dungeon, we have fun, run goes smooth, we talk on discord, we tell jokes and we laugh, I get added to someone's friend list ....next day I say hi in guild chat and that friend/ guildy is online and they ignore me for hours then they log out and don't even say bye. I'm not pushy or overbearing. I know not to bother people when they get busy. I offer to join groups if anyone needs a hand or just some company. I dont spam my offer just say it once.

What am I doing wrong? Maybe if you all share your experiences or your tips and advice it might help me stay in guilds longer cause I tend to run when i start to feel like im not welcome. I could be over thinking things or just doing it wrong. Social anxiety is really crap. I hope your help can also help other players that feel worried about joining guilds or trying to fit in and make friends. Some people love me but others just avoid me like i have the khajiiti flu lol. I am a female but there are a lot more female gamers now so i really doubt that is an issue.

Isojukka · May 2019

Don't worry, you're just over thinking. Give them time and be friendly.

UntrustedExistenz · May 2019

Agree with Isojukka, you are over thinking.
Sometimes, ppl are quite busy ingame and they didn't answer on chat. And if someone is in 5 guilds and don't have good chat configuration, sometimes they even don't see you.
Sometimes u join guild,where a lot of members know each other from real life. These group are sometimes more hermetic than random guild.
You see, I use word "sometimes" a lot becouse every guild, every person is a different story.
Give yourself some time and remember, you are in MMO, you can be whoever you want to be

Tamrik · May 2019

The responses you've had already are right. Each guild is different and these things take time.

I tend to take long breaks from the game due to my health and a lot of the time I end up being removed from a guild and have to start all over again, joining and fitting in with a new group of people. I also suffer from social anxiety but for me I find that joining guilds helps with mine in the long term. You have to give it time with a new fold, you are essentially joining a clique as by nature is what guilds are. A lot of people who have grown together in the game and become good online friends. Don't take it personal when you don't get the attention from people in the first few weeks of joining a new one.

Example. I started playing again a couple of months ago and joined a new guild, during my first few weeks there I interacted with its members and got little back, which tends to always be the case, the longer you're there and the more you just chat and be friendly, the more likely you are to become accepted into the group. It just takes time.

Helpful hint, don't discuss politics, religion etc as things like that can get heated and turn some people against you.

Just give it time, get to know a few people and refer to them by their handle and slowly you'll break down the barriers and become one of them

Good luck and safe travels in Tamriel

max_only · May 2019

I’m the person on the other side of the friend request. I have social anxiety as well so when people friend me I accept the prompt so I’m not mean, but I’d rather quest alone so I don’t say hi when they log in. It feels horrible. I don’t know op, I’m going to say “try not to take it to heart” even though I also take it to heart lol

Btw, in vanilla wow we were known by character names not account names so if I felt sociable I’d log into my healer who had a lot of friends. If I felt like solo questing I’d log into my hunter who had none.

I didn’t like this account name system at all and waited until over 400 cp before joining a guild that is specifically for loners.

Good luck op, you’re doing the best you can with the information and resources you have. One can’t read other peoples minds so just keep your communication line in the water, someone will bite eventually lol

Huyen · May 2019

wishlist14 wrote: »

I'm looking for as much information and guidance as possible on guild ettiquette please. Not guild rules set out by the guild masters but your own personal ettiquette you follow when you join a new guild and are trying to settle in and eventually make friends or even just aquaintances.

The reason for this post is first and foremost my social anxiety that affects how I feel when I join guilds. I am a very friendly and empathic person and I enjoy helping people but I do suffer from paranoia due to the anxiety i feel in social settings.

I join a guild and I always say hello and thank you for the invite and everyone is welcoming and chatty. I connect to discord. First day I tend to read guild chat or discord and usually join in a bit more the next day. Now here is when it gets a bit strange for me...About a day in the guild goes either deathly quiet ( yes I get it that ppl get busy) or if they are talking a lot I may join in and I get ignored. Guild members start talking among themselves. I know this because they refer to each other by name. Then i may add something that is in context with the converstation and I'm totally ignored. This kind of situation has happened to me in many guilds. I have personal rules. I never brag, never judge or swear or anything of that nature. Sometimes it feels like i walked into a clique.

Another strange situation is where I meet my guildies for a dungeon, we have fun, run goes smooth, we talk on discord, we tell jokes and we laugh, I get added to someone's friend list ....next day I say hi in guild chat and that friend/ guildy is online and they ignore me for hours then they log out and don't even say bye. I'm not pushy or overbearing. I know not to bother people when they get busy. I offer to join groups if anyone needs a hand or just some company. I dont spam my offer just say it once.

What am I doing wrong? Maybe if you all share your experiences or your tips and advice it might help me stay in guilds longer cause I tend to run when i start to feel like im not welcome. I could be over thinking things or just doing it wrong. Social anxiety is really crap. I hope your help can also help other players that feel worried about joining guilds or trying to fit in and make friends. Some people love me but others just avoid me like i have the khajiiti flu lol. I am a female but there are a lot more female gamers now so i really doubt that is an issue.

This is exactly why I quit the game. I get that its a mmo but most times my anxiety got the better of me, to a point that I simply quit the game.

eliisra · May 2019

Yeah, you're overthinking. People ignoring you is becuse they're busy with PvE/PvP, afk, not reading chat or can't be bothered(in multiple guilds). It's normal that no one responds to "hi" or questions in guild chats.

Not everyone uses friendlist as a place for friends, so that's nothing against you. I have loads of contacts on my list, I barely talk to. I only contact them if need them for something(like pledges). So just becuse you get added, doesn't mean you'll be talking to that person.

When guildies type random stuff in a way where you feel excluded and dunno what's going on, it's normally becuse they're using voice chat and the main conversion is going on there. So you're missing the context and not part of it.

You need a more lighthearted approach to socializing in guilds. No one wants you to leave. It's more about them not being mindful about how they come across and how it's affecting new members. They don't get how much lack of interest och silence, can make (some)people feel rejected. You need a certain level of maturity to fully understand that.

zvavi · May 2019

I am shameless. I just do what i want, join conversations, drag people to vet dlc dungeons, drag them to vet dlc again. And again. Sometimes trials. Vet dlc dungeons again. Fun

wishlist14 · May 2019

zvavi wrote: »

I am shameless. I just do what i want, join conversations, drag people to vet dlc dungeons, drag them to vet dlc again. And again. Sometimes trials. Vet dlc dungeons again. Fun

😂😆😆😆lo i love that you're shameless haha .

BomblePants · May 2019

I’m really shy... not sure if it’s SA but I’m very shy and it does get in the way of enjoying the game to its fullest.

By the way OP.... you sound like you are doing all the right things and are actually very friendly.

wishlist14 · May 2019

Thank you all so much for your amazing replies, you have helped me so much. Now when i get a bit paranoid i'll remember all your comments. I hope other players get comfort here too. I'm venturing forwards 😘❤❤❤

wishlist14 · May 2019

BomblePants wrote: »

I’m really shy... not sure if it’s SA but I’m very shy and it does get in the way of enjoying the game to its fullest.

By the way OP.... you sound like you are doing all the right things and are actually very friendly.

Thank you so much I hope you find some inspiration here like I have. I love our eso community. Thank you for being a part of it too. Your reply means a lot to me. 😊❤

Elwendryll · May 2019

In my opinion, the best way to make friends is being someone people want to spend time with as well as showing them you want to spend time together. As it's a game, I'm more likely to befriend people that are good at it, because I can play the content I aim for with them. Just being interesting or funny is often enough, if people like to talk to you, they'll want to talk to you when they
have the opportunity, but you also have to start conversations yourself. I figured out that some people tend to give up and isolate themselves if they're persuaded that they're being ignored, while waiting for people to reach to them (fear of rejection?) . As people said, don't overthink, if you like someone, just try to spend time with them, iniate some things.

Maybe it's just terrible advice and I'm not good to make friend myself, but, online it's harder to get the intentions of people, being in the same guild or being in-game friends is often not enough for people to get that you like them. Show your intentions.

Unij · May 2019

There are some tricks to get friends. My recommendation for you is to look up psycholgical tips, videos, articles aso.

For example something I have seen a lot is, when you mind only your own business people will start to talk more with you to get your attention. And it can really be annoying, when 20 people whisper you at the same time. Now when you start to ignore annoying people you were friendly with before, then be warned, some may turn to stalkers. The more you ignore them the more they try to contact you. This principe works also for parents, thats why they are always annoying (or never there when you need them) xD.

While when you want to talk with someone and everyone is buisy you start to feel not needed even if thats not the case, here starts social anxiety and you think to much why you got no answer and try even harder (potential stalker), and get ignored even more, you question yourself and simply leave at the end, like you wrote before. So you see, there are two sides, you just need to find a balance and not move from one extreme to the other.

Btw guild discords tend to be either super active (with the same 4-5 people talking and you have no chance to take part at their conversation) or not active at all (where someone writes something once a week and gets no answer). Best way is to invite people to talk with you but not the same people all the time. And don't take too much time for others do your own stuff while talking and ask them to take part. Don't try to be helpful all the time but also ask for help sometimes (because other people also like to feel helpful and not have the feeling they owe you something).

And don't think too much. Most people join guilds just to have people around in case they need help with something.

FierceSam · May 2019

I would take it easy and try not to overthink things (much like life itself).

There is no ‘right’ way. And aside from ‘don’t be a *****’ there’s no set etiquette. However, being yourself, being polite and having fun in the game goes a long, long way and is what I would recommend.

For instance, I like to say hello whenever I’m in a group. Sometimes people say hello back, sometimes they don’t, but the response or lack of it seems to have no relation to how the group performs or my enjoyment of it.

My own response to other players also varies a lot. If there’s a question in guild chat I might answer it, I might not, but this has NOTHING to do with the questioner and everything to do with what I’m doing in game, if I have anything useful to contribute etc. You could talk to me all you wanted in chat during a Battleground and I would not respond because I don’t see my chat at that point.

Or, right now in our guild it’s harder than usual to find groups for DLC pledges. I’ll put up a LFG request and get fewer/no responses. But this has nothing to do with me, or DLC content, it’s much more likely to be because everyone is in Elsweyr playing the new content.

I’ve also been in (and out of) a bunch of guilds. Some work brilliantly for me, others don’t quite fit, it’s one of those elusive right time, right place things, a happy accident. I didn’t have to do anything special with the ones that worked and there wasn’t any particular reason why the others didn’t click.

TL:DR there’s no set etiquette, be yourself, don’t overthink it and, most importantly, have fun playing your game

Hallothiel · May 2019

It can be hard in guilds, especially if you play at different times, or are not doing the same stuff as others - when i first joined my main one i was a bit shy but now i am quite active.

My advice is don’t take people not responding to you in chat to heart. I don’t always notice it in game, and i don’t always look at discord/psn chat. But keep saying hello as there will be ones who do notice. They may even be as shy as you & don’t know how to respond.

Another thing is to join in with events, if your guild run them. Skyshard or world boss runs etc can be a good way to meet & talk with others - but you do that anyway. 🙂

Also remember that it can take a while to find people you are comfortable with, just like in real life.

(Just try not to get involved in guild politics - oh my lord! Worse than anything you may find at work! And in a game! Astounding!)

And i wish you happy gaming.

D0PAMINE · May 2019

I use a talkbot on Discord. D0PAMINE doesn't speak. Ever.

Tasear · May 2019

Intergration into new environments take time and interaction. Join them in things. Take time to talk in guild about adventures even if nobody is talking back.

Coatmagic · May 2019

Am happy there is finally a guild finder so I don't find myself in /zone looking for folks that would like a small quiet guild xD

I know there a lot of people playing like this, but many have chat turned off so /zone calls would just get me lots of flak, LOL.

Anyway, gave up a while ago, and now with guild finder, guild is finally filling up with folks that like to do their own thing but also have others to talk with from time to time.

Have had to put discord back up and am always happy to have a guildy or two in (usually new players atm) with lots of questions etc

Anyway, I feel you with your anxiety as I too suffer from this problem... took me 5 years to finally get up the nerve to do any group content with an actual group xD And though I will go into other large guild discords, it's only for when I need to hear/ask instructions on content I've not done yet. Also, am from the states but live in the UK and play on EU server and my social anxiety manifests itself into humour.. which the EU folks often just don't get (jaja ~ it's not just cuz i'm not funny ;P)

Anyway, as all the rest have said, just try to overthink everything (ikr?) and I too miss the time I could just switch to my loner char when I wanted to be left alone xD PS: You can actually hide yourself online via the friends panel in the upper left corner you can set yourself to offline and no one will see you

wishlist14 · May 2019

Coatmagic wrote: »

Am happy there is finally a guild finder so I don't find myself in /zone looking for folks that would like a small quiet guild xD

I know there a lot of people playing like this, but many have chat turned off so /zone calls would just get me lots of flak, LOL.

Anyway, gave up a while ago, and now with guild finder, guild is finally filling up with folks that like to do their own thing but also have others to talk with from time to time.

Have had to put discord back up and am always happy to have a guildy or two in (usually new players atm) with lots of questions etc

Anyway, I feel you with your anxiety as I too suffer from this problem... took me 5 years to finally get up the nerve to do any group content with an actual group xD And though I will go into other large guild discords, it's only for when I need to hear/ask instructions on content I've not done yet. Also, am from the states but live in the UK and play on EU server and my social anxiety manifests itself into humour.. which the EU folks often just don't get (jaja ~ it's not just cuz i'm not funny ;P)

Anyway, as all the rest have said, just try to overthink everything (ikr?) and I too miss the time I could just switch to my loner char when I wanted to be left alone xD PS: You can actually hide yourself online via the friends panel in the upper left corner you can set yourself to offline and no one will see you

Thank you so much for sharing your and also I didn't realise i can hide myself online via the friends panel . Thank you for that great tip😊❤

wishlist14 · May 2019

D0PAMINE wrote: »

I use a talkbot on Discord. D0PAMINE doesn't speak. Ever.

🖒❤

wishlist14 · May 2019

Hallothiel wrote: »

It can be hard in guilds, especially if you play at different times, or are not doing the same stuff as others - when i first joined my main one i was a bit shy but now i am quite active.

My advice is don’t take people not responding to you in chat to heart. I don’t always notice it in game, and i don’t always look at discord/psn chat. But keep saying hello as there will be ones who do notice. They may even be as shy as you & don’t know how to respond.

Another thing is to join in with events, if your guild run them. Skyshard or world boss runs etc can be a good way to meet & talk with others - but you do that anyway. 🙂

Also remember that it can take a while to find people you are comfortable with, just like in real life.

(Just try not to get involved in guild politics - oh my lord! Worse than anything you may find at work! And in a game! Astounding!)

And i wish you happy gaming.

😊❤ i will keep your advice in mind thank you

wishlist14 · May 2019

Unij wrote: »

There are some tricks to get friends. My recommendation for you is to look up psycholgical tips, videos, articles aso.

For example something I have seen a lot is, when you mind only your own business people will start to talk more with you to get your attention. And it can really be annoying, when 20 people whisper you at the same time. Now when you start to ignore annoying people you were friendly with before, then be warned, some may turn to stalkers. The more you ignore them the more they try to contact you. This principe works also for parents, thats why they are always annoying (or never there when you need them) xD.

While when you want to talk with someone and everyone is buisy you start to feel not needed even if thats not the case, here starts social anxiety and you think to much why you got no answer and try even harder (potential stalker), and get ignored even more, you question yourself and simply leave at the end, like you wrote before. So you see, there are two sides, you just need to find a balance and not move from one extreme to the other.

Btw guild discords tend to be either super active (with the same 4-5 people talking and you have no chance to take part at their conversation) or not active at all (where someone writes something once a week and gets no answer). Best way is to invite people to talk with you but not the same people all the time. And don't take too much time for others do your own stuff while talking and ask them to take part. Don't try to be helpful all the time but also ask for help sometimes (because other people also like to feel helpful and not have the feeling they owe you something).

And don't think too much. Most people join guilds just to have people around in case they need help with something.

😃😆 Great advice thanks ...balance is key yes i agree and will work on this ❤

JKorr · May 2019

wishlist14 wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your amazing replies, you have helped me so much. Now when i get a bit paranoid i'll remember all your comments. I hope other players get comfort here too. I'm venturing forwards 😘❤❤❤

If you're on pc/na and would like an invite to a couple of good guilds, let me know. No one minds questions, lots of helpful crafters, and people will lend a hand when you want one, and be perfectly happy to let you alone when you don't.