Woe#1: I Thought That I was Doing What's Right
It all started when I decided to help balance wise, for red. Then and there, my situations began. I thought that I was doing what's right, But mayhap's I'm doing what's wrong to others.
Or methinks, that I'm causing more harm than good? Yes it's true that 1 person can't fix Cyrodiil, for balance. But yet what is considered balance if others have different points of view?
It's not because of the numbers. The numbers are totally fine, even better now. However, if the numbers are fine, then what should be the cause of balance? Is the balance cause due to Score?
Woe #2: Night Camping (Grace Period)
3 weeks I have now been serving reds. Helping out where I can. Ever since Scourge PS4 EU deletion. To also the suggestion's from others to continue help with balance, from forum.
I'm unsure if this is good idea for me to continue helping reds, even more so. More details later. However, this is the 3rd week of Reds being 3rd place. Sure reds have the numbers, but also disadvantage of "night camping" by other alliances when Reds go to bed.
The term "Night Camping" however I don't believe it's a reasonable term. Due to the fact of it will always be someone else's morning. So what is it, if it's not "Night Camping"? I call it, a free points period, (Grace Period)
Of what I could gather from these 3 weeks of me helping reds, since campaigns are open 24/7 (minus maintenance and updates) There is no way for reds to catch up, via score wise. In regardless if I was helping or not. So what now?
Woe# 3: I Don't Belong On Red
This is a little touchy subject, nothing personal and I meant no offense. Sorry in advance. After Scourge deletion for second time. I wasn't sure what to do honestly. Everything changed, all was not the same.
I was like a newborn "Elf" (A High Elf, to be exact. Most of my characters are High Elves) Anyways I wasn't sure what to do. I became lost, So I sought guidance on forums. To stay AD or help EP with balance. I was suggested to help red.
Sure I was happy to help EP at first, but now I'm not. Mostly because I caused situations. I won't go in detail. However because I made a certain guild mad at me, even after I wrote 7 page apology letter and offered many times to fix. I don't think I'm welcome to be honest.
Sure some reds like me and say I can stay. But In honestly I believe I'm causing more harm then good. While I on EP helping out. Even more so when I was told to be quiet in Zone, because I'm a Yellow (also one of Guild Members, of certain 1 whom I made mad)
So now because of me not saying anymore warnings. Via zone, Because I was told to be quiet. I'm hurting EP even more so. Now I don't even give out warnings especially when keeps are being attacked.
There's this other situation, I got on, Saw sejanus being attacked. I rushed there, Saw door open. Saw 3 AD getting flags. I did try to attack. But I deal no damage, I do amazing heals though even when those 3 attacked me back. But it was a stalemate.
So I was forced to retreat out of Sejanus, however I was caught by other reds since I was at sejanus the only 1 at the time. Until I retreated. Once I retreated away a good distance away from sejanus door. That was when reds showed.
So I went back to Sejanus and repaired door while rest attack AD. Sure I guess it not look good on my part, but I did went back. However at same time I not attack those 3 AD when those reds attacked them.
So whose fault is it but mine? Mine alone. However at same time, EP zone chat bothers me, I do my best to ignore. How they hate AD and other things I not wish to discuss. Kinda offensive in a way.
Sure every alliance hate each other, there's no way to stop. But it's the way of how others do it. Yes I'm considered as a guest on EP to try my best to help out, but same time I don't believe I'm useful and cause more harm than good.
Woe #4: What Am I?, What Am I Fighting For?
What am I?, What am I fighting for? It all began. When I used to be red for 1 week in Scourge PS4 EU, (Before 1St Scourge Deletion) I was not happy on how my Alliance always have everything. All the time. I became bored on red.
At the time AD was struggling, always push, but yet reds where to powerful. Always outnumbering AD, AD always fall back. It all began after I met these 2 AD Kajiits, whom are my friends now.
But it was because of those two AD, I decided that I want something to fight for, something to try my best to take keeps, even while being against all odds. No matter how the situation is.
I was so happy to help AD for balance wise. Way back when. I served AD, all the way to Scourge PS4 EU, second deletion. I stayed AD for 1 yr and 2 months, (minus couple of days on red and blue)
I was happy to serve AD, but I was not AD. I was a red whom I was helping out AD for balance purposes. I felt my true Alliance was red, so did many other AD at the time. O, But how wrong I so very was.
You see, after Scourge PS4 EU 2nd deletion. I thought this is now my chance to go back on red, because I thought I was red plus also hurting alliance. But during these 3 weeks, of me helping red in Haderus.
That is when I began to question myself, what am I actually, what am I fighting for? I thought I was fighting for balance, I thought I was being of use. But as you can see above; I don't believe that is the case. I believe I do more harm on red than good.
In honestly I now believe I am truly an AD all along, I believe this is my alliance all along. Is it because I have been accustomed to helping AD for 1 yr and 2 months? Maybe, Who really knows. Better than me? But myself.
Alas, I showed my true colors, by taking my costume off and uncovered my Phoenix armor. AD style to be exact. Maybe it was wrong of me to do. Even while on red, However it was the only Phoenix Armor I had from when I was serving AD.
But at the same time, this Phoenix armor is very special, by wearing this armor, I remember all the good times I had while serving AD. Sure there was some bad moments while I used to serve AD in Scourge, but most of times was so amazing.
Alas at the same time, I may be an AD, I'm also again doing my best to try help EP by so called "balance" at the same time I don't enjoy attacking my alliance. I honestly regret every time I do attack AD.
I should've protect my Alliance instead of attacking them. Again I thought I was doing the right thing, that I must make a sacrifice for a great cause. To attack my alliance in the name of balance.
I'm unsure how long I be able to fight for balance, Then again what is considered balance if numbers are the same plus the Night Camping "Grace Period" In honestly believe it's best for me to switch back to AD soon.
Again I do believe I'm causing more harm than good while serving EP, I don't believe it's best for me to remain and help EP, but if I leave EP, good chance I will feel guilty for leaving EP because of the score.
But if I stay EP, I'm forced to attack my alliance, sometimes because there's allegations I'm working with AD. Which I'm not working with AD while on red. But I don't enjoy attacking my Alliance all the same. Plus AD likes me to.
In honestly also I do visit AD keeps, while I'm on Red. AD knows this also. At times AD leave me alone near there keeps when I'm alone. Sometimes there's dancing while I play lute. However reds don't know this, until now.
So what is best for me? I do not know, I really want to go back to my alliance. AD so very bad. Sure it may seem I'm playing on winning alliance. But, alas is it better to remain and continue to help EP if I cause more harm? I'm kinda bummed honestly.