Shouldn't Uncle Sheo compose Hireling Mails?

Morimizo · May 2016

HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO, mortals, your dearly beloved and reviled Mad God is sad today. I received confirmation that me application to ZOS was rejected, regarding taking up the mantle of composing the Hireling Mails when their current authors decide to endlessly repeat themselves. ENDLESSLY!! Repeat Themselves! And some things don't merit being repeated. Especially themselves. But I repeat myself.

Never had to fill out an application before. Me status and qualifications always preceded meself, you know? But NOOO. Everyone in your twisted existence has to be vetted or some such. Whatever.

Thought I might share me resume that I only resumed yesterday. Assuming you're not busy? Great. Funny how you can get folks to read when their ears are held open and their feet are tied to a Daedroth. Perhaps you can be insightful as to why me foray into authoritarian authorship has hit a snag?

"OFFICIAL ZOS JOB APPLICATION:

Name: Lord Sheogorath
Address: Shivering Isles, but not always.
Phone Number: What? Non-applicable. Ask butterflies for semi-reasonablly quick contact. Depends on who I am, and what they're doing, doesn't it?
SSN: Sheogorath's Secret Number? NYOB. And, furthermore, MYOB. THAT"S PERSONAL!!

Qualifications: DAEDRIC LORD.

Work History: See previous, or if you really must know, I have creatively driven 437,956,427,138 souls to Mania and Dementia, many times both. This may seem like I'm just a Taxi driver, but it doesn't quite work like that. Want a vacation? Butterflies depart in 17 minutes.

Education: Home schooled by me great-great-great-greatest Aunt Profezzorazeth in Daedric Realm Fundamentals, but I'm mostly self-taught. I'm a learn-by-doing sort.

Why do you want this job? Mostly because I've been receiving me shipment of Buttered Scamp Knuckles with the same note atttached, "Enjoy your culinary components," since before the Merethic Era was hatched. You wonder why I'm LOSING it!?!? Whacko!?! Three Jazbays short of a Crostata!!?!? How could the Mad God get MADDER, you might ask? Well, I did. Ask. Just to meself yesterday. Politely, of course. When I wasn't quite as mad about things. But I was rather mad before and after that, F-Y-I!!!

And I truly believe I can bring the magnificent randomness of rudderless thought to the Hireling Mails with the same chance of repeating meself as there currently is of finding a decent article of loot in a confounded chest!!

When can you start? Last Mundas is fine. Me First Era is all gigged up, sorry."

So, mortals, me question is, could I have perhaps modified me tone a bit, or been more explicit in me work history? Haskill does most of, well maybe all, the work anyway. BUT I LEAD!! I'm the brain muscle of this operation!!

Mostly sincerely,
Uncle Sheo

Reorx_Holybeard · May 2016

I think to truly evaluate your ability to compose hireling mails we will need to see a few samples of your work....

Morimizo · May 2016

Of course, you're right. Took that for granted, I did, that me skill of letting words fall onto scroll parchment and write themselves was enough. Here's a tiny whiff for the cheese-deprived masses:

"Allow meself to introduce meself. I'm Sheo. Except when I'm not. What, you're always YOURself? Try looking in a mirror. See that hideous reflection of naive jejuneness? Think that's you? It's not. Well, it was you. 3 nanoseconds ago. Contemplate how much you've learned since then...how many rash decisions you've made...how many horkers can fit inside a skeever...and know, to the very center of your outer layer, that YOU'RE A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW. At least, it's like that for me.

Now that we have that out of the way, here's some junk you probably won't use. More yesterday!! What, Haskill? You are SUCH a nag! Okay, more tomorrow then. You mortals and your 'time always moving forward' malarkey."

Volkodav · May 2016

Ahh,but Uncle Sheo,..would you send us fun stuff in our emails? Like all the different cheeses you love?
Or,maybe that Wabbajack for Christmas??

Morimizo · May 2016

@Volkodav , 1) Absopositivaffirmatively, and 2) that's me favorite subject, and 7) I'll see about getting that AoE version of the Wabby approved in marketing, just in time for Saturnalia. Until then, here's another splendidly meandering sample:

"So, mortals, you know your Uncle doesn't actually collect these components, right? Send me scamps to do it. With somewhat mixed results.

They come back with handfuls of grass, small pebbles, and old mead bottles filled with sea water mostly. When they come back at all. See, it's springtime, and in springtime, a scamp's fancy turns to Flame Atronachs, and off they go, following them like lost puppies.

Don't worry your still-attached heads about it, though, I'll make more.

And here's some more detritus you'll probably never use. Just for you.

Because I care."

MasterSpatula · May 2016

No to Uncle Sheo, but someone should. It's been a loooooong time since there were new hireling mails, and they promised us more were coming over a year ago.

Morimizo · May 2016

@MasterSpatula ,

NOO!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!?!?!!

Funny how that word always sounds like such sweet music when I say it.

And like Echatere claws on a polished river stone when someone else does.

A most prudent and well-respected sage once prophesized,

"It is not wise to say no to a Deadric Lord, especially if it is Lord Sheogorath..."

He rambled on about me temper and me propensity to hold era-long tantrums, and how me face got red and blotchy, and, well, I figured if he all he wanted to do was spew slanderous stones of malice all day, I'd turn him into a volcano, so he could be more in his natural state. So I did. But the joke's on him, since I made it a dormant volcano. Can't spew a thing now. It's quite peaceful. Got rave reviews from Dunmer tourists.

As for you, Mr. Negative, remember the phrase TGIF?

Thank sheoGorath It's Fredas!!?

Not for you anymore! That's right, straight from Turdas to Loredas for you!!

When all your friends at work gather around the Star Dew barrel on Mundas morning to chew the horker fat about how magnificent their Fredas nights were, and for some reason had no mead-induced headaches the next morning, and thank the Aurbis for not letting us succumb to our Mead Spectacles and bring home a Spider Daedra to wake up in the bed next to us, and find a new egg sac in the garage with over a thousand new mouths to feed, and how would we ever find the space to accommodate all those webs, and how would we tell our wife that it was all just a misunderstanding, because we really can't remember anything? Anything at all!!!

Perhaps you'd like to rethink your answer.

Mostly sincerely,
Uncle Sheo

MasterSpatula · May 2016

^ A perfect illustration of the dangers of your idea.

A little cray-cray goes a long way-way.

rotaugen454 · May 2016

If Uncle Sheo wrote the hireling mails, I'd actually read all of them.

driosketch · May 2016

So basically a chance to get a fun unique letter every time along with my components?

Take attachment, check bag, and it's cheese. Actually, everything is cheese, including the bag. Wait, I'm just holding a big wheel of cheese aren't I?

Jennifur_Vultee · May 2016

Pacrooti thinks perhaps he is out of a job but would come back...if you have coin.

Bring back Pacrooti with new adventures!

Wreuntzylla · May 2016

I hope you don't mind but I am passing your resume to our HR department. I'm sure we can find something for you to do here....

MasterSpatula · May 2016

Jennifur_Vultee wrote: »

Pacrooti thinks perhaps he is out of a job but would come back...if you have coin.

Bring back Pacrooti with new adventures!

This I support!

WhiteCoatSyndrome · May 2016

I want to see a competition. Ask the fanbase to write up sets of hireling mails, with the best five or so for each profession to be used in-game.

Volkodav · May 2016

rotaugen454 wrote: »

If Uncle Sheo wrote the hireling mails, I'd actually read all of them.

I KNOW! These are such well written posts!As if the OP really IS Uncle Sheo.
Wait,..could it be,...nnnaaaaawwwh.
Right? Naawwh.

Morimizo · May 2016

@Jennifur_Vultee ,

Do you mean that Grandmaster of the Whispering Fang?

I feel compelled to mention that while I was practicing me craft of purloining crafting components, in the high hopes of landing such a lucrative gig providing absolute jackwaddle for substandard effort, we may have had a teensy-weensy little dispute over who should rightfully own what wasn't either of ours in the first place, and there was a skirmish. A kerfuffle. A brouhaha of sorts.

Though he was no match for me Screaming Elbow style, I came to respect his persnickety persistence.

Once he's done sorting me stockpile of Kragenmoor Goudas, I expect he'll be back. And in one piece too!!

I'm tossing around the idea of including something useful in your mails, like free Champion whats-its, bright fuschia weapon dyes, and rare cheeses that upgrade any provisioning recipe to legendary.

But you lot don't want anything useful, or fun, do you?

You want NERFS.

Well, tough tabbledeewonk!!

Mostly sincerely,
Uncle Sheo

Morimizo · May 2016

Okay me deconstructively critical mortals, here's another inciteful, erm, insightful parable for the mails:

Familiar with the phrase, "Giant Bats in the Belfry" ?

Yeah, me neither. So I decided I could always ask questions later, and put a nice murder of Cliff Racers in me Inverted Bell Tower. I AM the HIM in WHIM, or haven't you been giving all your gold to Attention until now?

You may be asking yourself, "Why inverted?"

And I may acquiesce and respond to yourself, "Can't stand the cacophonous polyphony of those nirn-sized palladium cups, so I turned them downside up. Now me afternoons are tranquil solitude."

Or they were, until another realmquake din shook the very foundations of every aimlessly wandering citizen's eardrum throughout the whole of the Isles. And the hole. The acoustics in there really amplified it.

Needless to mention, but there was panic. I sent butterflies to all corners of every dimensional vortex, every rock that would listen in the Oblivion planes, every spec of sand in the masonry of every Master's Guild in Atmora----oooohhh...tsk,tsk----mustn't give away secrets!, but no one and nothing could solve the problem of the Cliff Racers in the Inverted Bell Tower.

But, surely, you mumble to yourself, Uncle Sheo could fix this?

Well, I stood up, diagonal and sort of tall, clasped me Lordly Gauntlet around me precious Spoon of Horripilation (what!? you think the Fork was the only one in the set? I've got 4 place settings!! Complete with salad fork, soup spoon, sporks, pointy knives, dull knives, knorks, and the knoons are me favorite), and strode arrogantly and bombastically to the corrupted source.

I knocked politely on the door.

No answer, but it wasn't locked, so I went inside.

"Yoohoo!!" I called, and then all the Deadlands broke loose. Actually, it was worse. And I couldn't even hit the blasted birdbeasts!! Even tried me backup weapon, me Wabbajack Plus-Plus, and all it did was turn them into Titans.

And you know the phrase about not letting a Titan loose in your Porcelain Pantry? Well, you shouldn't. And I shouldn't have. But I did. Now I have to float back to Akavir to replace all me luxurious flatware.

After all, there's going to be a party. Right after I make this barely noticeable amendment to the elder scroll concerning the period of a possibly questionably prudent decision to build an Inverted Bell Tower.

Oh, and that bit about the flying reptile monstrosities. Yes, that too.

The Elder Scrolls Online

Shouldn't Uncle Sheo compose Hireling Mails?

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