Uncle Sheo's Tri-Weekly Newsletter

Morimizo · May 2016

HELLLLLOOOOO! Mad God here! And over there, but that's not important. What is important:

Ever drive your 342nd daughter to East Mania Elementary in a Triangular Mobiculum?

A more jostly form of conveyance I have yet to endure; except maybe riding a bear, but at least they have four-wheel drive.

You lot probably think of the Dwemer as genius incarnate, and well, they did create mechanical spider legs, the ability to blow steam out of your chest, and author the questionably fabulous "How to Resurrect an Angry God, but Allowing a Madman to Do So is a very, VERY Bad Idea," .....but transportation?

Cruel AND unusual. I usually like both of those, especially the latter, but YOU try having your head bumped into the inverse angle of a pointy roof 75 times a minute and see how you like it!!!

Actually, I liked the aforementioned book. Thought the premise was a bit...misguided, though.

Anyway, me daughter was complaining that I wasn't driving. I calmly explained that I know these paths like the back of me foot, and all I had to do was point the blasted thing in the right direction, and we'd get there eventually.

She rather not calmly shouted something from her favorite bedtime story, "Worm Diagnostics and Guarana Crepes: Similarities and Differences," about straight lines, and obstructions, I think. Oh, and something about if I dump her off at West Dementia again, I'll never see me spleen again.

Well, needless to say, I couldn't have that, so I got in the confounded passenger seat and let Haskill drive.

I bet you're wondering who the mother is, eh? I bet you'd think you'd be surprised if it was Valaste, wouldn't YOU?!

Well, you CAN'T be surprised.

Because I AM THE SURPRISE.

Most sincerely,
Uncle Sheo

rotaugen454 · May 2016

Uncle Sheo, I've been meaning to ask ye, how many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop? And what is the last digit of pi? And where do all of me missing socks go when I do me laundry?

Morimizo · May 2016

@rotaugen454

Hmmm...the first one is one. At least for a deadroth. I mean, have you ever seen that tongue? Actually, if you value that bit of flesh above your shoulders, better not check.

0. I would punctuate this answer with "trust me," but you really shouldn't.

Me scamps get cold feet when they sleep at night. I'd return the socks after they use them, but do you really want me to?

Most sincerely,
Uncle Sheo

Inarre · May 2016

Uncle Sheo, Have you ever licked a lamppost in winter?

rotaugen454 · May 2016

I was so glad to see data mining showing they be coming out with an Uncle Sheo outfit for the crown store! Now we can all be snappy dressers like The Mad God. I'm hoping it comes with an Unlimited Cheese memento. Of course, Uncle Sheo might not like all those mortals dressing like him (even me, his second favorite mortal), and might change all of them to be vomit green and orange.

Rohamad_Ali · May 2016

People should have to put their questions here in the form of an answer .

SantieClaws · May 2016

Good evening Uncle Sheo.

Khajiit can have cheese please yes?

Yours with paws
Santie Claws

Taleof2Cities · May 2016

Haskill: "Driving your daughter? How pedestrian ... "

Uncle Sheo: "True true ... WAIT ... by a Golden Saint's form-fitting brassiere, 'PEDESTRIAN' is another form of transportation! Why didn't we do that in the first place??

Haskill (nonchalant): "Just doing the Lord's bidding ... but I see what you did there."

Morimizo · May 2016

@Inarre ,

I did indeed try this once. All the cool Daedra Lords were doing it, so I thought, what's the worst that could happen?

Well, I ended up with a tongue piercing that was a skosh too long, and even though my Xivilai girlfriend at the time thought it was....oh I'd better not mention the details...too gruesome, really...well, I had to make it disappear.

Put it in the Wabbajack rotation though.

Rant and Rave reviews, of course. Just the way I like it!!

Most sincerely,
Uncle Sheo

Morimizo · May 2016

@SantieClaws ,

OF COURSE!!! CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!!!!

Well, except for Shali.

He just doesn't appreciate the delicate nuances of culinary delicacies like the rest of us.

Besides, he never writes, he never calls.

Rude.

Most sincerely,
Uncle Sheo

Morimizo · May 2016

@Taleof2Cities ,

Every time you hear a positively miserable mortal wail, "I've gotta get this monkey off my back," in the most piteous tones possible, yeah, well, erm...I might, just maybe and perhaps, be the encumbrance of which the beleaguered speaks.

What, you think the only way I can move about is in a cloud of butterflies?!?

They're not always available, you know. Something about nectar, and they really can't be bothered all the time. They can get rather snippy. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

Of course, so have I, and it does absolutely no good whatsoever. I ask nicely; they sometimes comply, sometimes flappily demonstrate their displeasure with being asked in the first place; I command, and then it gets NASTY. But, because I am the epitome of kindness and compassion (well, a fraction of the instances), I relent, and search out alternative ambulation.

Besides, having someone to talk to while on a road trip makes the tedious journey go by quicker don't you think?

Don't judge.

Or I might.

Most sincerely,
Uncle Sheo

rotaugen454 · May 2016

Uncle Sheo, you are the greatest! I'd offer you my soul, if Molag Bal had not already taken it.

aldriq · May 2016

Just wanted to say – I'm mighty disappointed that your suggestion to replace veteran ranks with Cheese Points was in the end disregarded in favour of the much more boring, prosaic, meaningless Champion points. I do hope the developers will eventually realise the error of their ways and accept that cheese knowledge is the only true measure of power, either in Tamriel or Oblivion.

Asherons_Call · May 2016

Tri weekly????!!!! That is amazing! Is it the same three days every week? Odd days? Even days? Days that end in Y? Just who's calendar are we going off of anyway? Maybe it's a calendar that only has three days in a week then we would get a newsletter EVERY DAY! Wait what if there were only 2 days in a week??

Morimizo · May 2016

@Asherons_Call ,

You don't think the Aurbis revolves around Nirn, do you? Of course everyone has different amounts of days in a week, different months in their seconds, and different hours in their hollandaise sauce.

I chose Tri-Weekly, or once every three weeks, because:

1) I'm too lazy/distracted/bored/angry/busy to share me thoughts more often;
2) I like Tricycles, but hate Triangular Mobiculums;
and
3) Try as I might, I find the trifling process of trying to remember why me publisher asked for the Tri-Weekly a bit trying, so the tried and true approach is best. The Triumph of Triviality!!!

Truffle?

Most sincerely,
Uncle Sheo

Taisynn · May 2016

Dear Uncle Sheo,

I am a huge fan! A dedicated one, actually. I set cheese in front of your altar, the one I made, and in front of it is your darling and most attractive idol in your likeness. I sometimes kiss it.

Do you think you could be my date to the cheese-lovers ball? It's a most wondorous occasion for us fans, aka, me... Just me and my goat poet Agatha, my Goet, (she's soon to be better than Vivec, I swear!)

And then maybe... Just maybe we could fall madly in love (such wonderous madness! A mortal and a daedric prince!) and replace the rain with cheese fondue!

And we will hear the pitter patter of scamp feet for the rest of our days!

Love,
Shizuko
Your beloved devotee and President of the I Love Uncle Sheo Fan Club!
Countersigned, Agatha, Goet of The Bards Cheese College

Morimizo · May 2016

@Taisynn ,

Ah, the tremendous burden of being so daedrishly handsome can be overwhelming to bear for me Titan-esque broad shoulders, but Haskill does all the real lifting; so I manage.

I've longed longed to visit that rock outcrop in Wrothgar,
where goats bleat their bleat into the distance afar;
But the Echatere's echelons of attache cases,
filled to the hilt with Cheddars and Sharpness;
Distracts me stroll, led away by sentient bootlaces,
Humming the hum of the fetchers with Harpness.

Perhaps Agatha could find time to critique these ruminations? Of course, listening isn't me strong suit. That's me Ancestor Silk number. Always wear it during the family's "Annual Spear of Bitter Mercy Juggling Championships," cause everyone's good at tossing, not so much at catching.

As for you, me dear mortal, I'm still in some excruciatingly financially-debilitating divorce proceedings from me time as Clan Chief. I didn't much like the idea of Forge-Wives, or Shield-Wives, so I had 8 Cheese-Wives. It just didn't work out, though on Elder Scroll Paper, it seems like a fabulous idea, does it not?! Poor things couldn't make anything but Echatere cheese, and I strayed for some Colovian Cheddar in a moment of weakness. Not a whole heap of forgiveness amongst the Orsimer, is there?

You're probably wondering, why didn't I just turn the whole village into cheese, all different, robust flavors, and be free of the madness?

Hellllooooo, Mad God.

If you ever need Cheese Rain, or Cheese Reign, though, find a singing river betty, tell her what you need, and I just might get the message through the Jazbay Grapevine.

But, that thing I mentioned about listening?

Most sincerely,
Uncle Sheo