IRL author: David Sims
Fictional author: Brendalyn Jurarde of Jurardes of Wayrest, who did however fight on the side of the Ebonhart Pact during the Triple Alliance War of 2E 582-5.
Once upon a time there were three sisters: Delicious, Delightful, and Disgusting. Now, Delicious and Delightful were both very pretty girls. But Disgusting was ugly. She was fat. She had a big nose. And she had a wart growing under her right eye.
One day a prince came riding along on a big, white horse, when he heard someone crying beside the road. Looking down from his horse, the Prince saw Disgusting sobbing into a handkerchief.
"Fai—um. Young maid, why are you crying?" asked the Prince.
"Because I'm ugly and nobody loves me," replied the young maid.
The Prince took pity on Disgusting. He climbed down from his horse, swept her up into his arms, and gave her a big kiss. Unfortunately, during the kiss the Prince's face made contact with the wart, and he became infected.
Two weeks later, back at the palace, the Prince woke up, looked into a mirror, and saw a big, ugly wart growing under his left eye. In a panic, the Prince called the royal physicians and told them to cure his wart.
"I can't be seen like this!" The Prince cried.
"Never fear, Your Highness," said the physicians. "We'll cure that wart right off your face."
The castle herb healers went to work, brewing up their strongest anti-wart potions. They painted the evil-smelling stuff on the Prince's face, covering up the wart. Alas, the wart just laughed at the concoction. It didn't go anywhere. It didn't even get any smaller.
When the herbalists failed, the castle chirurgeons went to work. They took a sharp knife and cut the wart off. But by two days later, it had grown back, bigger than ever. The palace physicians regretfully told the Prince that he was stuck with it.
By and by, the old King died, and the Prince became the new King. Now, it is a rule that all kings must beget heirs. If a King were to die without begetting an heir, there would be a civil war in the kingdom because everybody would suppose himself to be the logical choice to be the next king. Civil wars are very bad things because many people are killed in them. So to prevent such a calamity there is a rule that all Kings must produce heirs.
But before a King may produce an heir, he must have a wife, and the new King hadn't married yet. To seek a wife, the King decided to hold a ball in the palace and invite all the princesses from the neighboring kingdoms to dance with him. So the date was set and the invitations were mailed, and, since nobody outside the palace had yet found out about the King's wart, all of the princesses for many miles around were eager to attend.
At the ball, the King danced with each princess, starting with the prettiest and working his way down the list. And as they danced, the King proposed marriage. But each of the princesses said, "Eww no! You are so ugly! I'm going to ask my Daddy to marry me to a king or a prince on the other side of his kingdom."
Since no princess in her right mind would marry someone who had a wart on his face, the King was forced to turn to the only woman who would have him.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present Queen Disgusting!
Moral: Never pretend affection for the unworthy.
Historical footnote: During her reign, Queen Disgusting outlawed feminine beauty throughout the kingdom and had her two sisters executed for the crime of being too pretty.
"Argonians have fat, scaly tails." —Rissa Manyclaws.
"Once upon a time there were three sisters: Delicious, Delightful, and Disgusting. Now, Delicious and Delightful were both very pretty girls..." —Brendalyn Jurarde.
"I smell to the nobility." —Indrasa Avani.
"A bargain with an animal is not a contract made." —Haderus Atrimus.
"Redguard makeup for sale. Free samples. Secret ingredients. Unique application method. Lots of satisfied customers." —The Mudball Goblin (aka, Cognac Vinecroft)
"Your armor looks like underwear." —Shuns-the-Knife.