Funny guard quotes

Sp3d_scout

One day in Elden Root when I accidentally stole fish when I was trying to talk to an NPC, a guard approached me and said "as much as I would like to-" and then I panicked and paid him a fine before he could finish his sentence. I personally found the words "as much as I would like to" funny, as this guard was a wood elf. I also accidentally started lockpicking a safebox in Windhelm once, and the guard said something along the lines of "I like you, thief!" Also funny. After these I wondered if any other guards said funny things to any of you. Surely there must be guard quotes funnier than the ones I witnessed. Have any examples?

NotaDaedraWorshipper

I like how they gave guards a couple of different personality types that also varies a bit between zones. I love the flirty guards, and a few of the cowardly ones has given me a laugh when I first experienced them. The nice and understanding ones are just nice to be caught by. The violent and aggressive along with the ones that seems that they don't want to be guards can be quite funny too.

A couple of flirty guards:

A nice guard in Anvil:

This bosmer guard is probably one of my favourites I've seen of the angry ones. Probably because she really surprised me. ....I paid the bounty. Please, calm down.

FeedbackOnly

I like the ones that feel bad for you like times are rough kind of empathy.

Kisakee

Sadly my bounties are too high so guards always attack me on sight but i like the flirty ones the most. As a Guar loving person i'd also like to "have a word" with that elf..

TooWeak2Live

"We should meet later. We could... talk."

amig186

One of the guards in Alinor is either underslept or daydreaming on the job. She constantly forgets what you're wanted for or why you're giving her money. It's kind of endearing.

Examples:

DivineKitty

Some of the Redoran guards in Vvardenfell lament that slavery is now illegal when they catch you, I'm pretty sure.