So, about the New Life Festival.. WHAT!?

Judas Helviaryn

It's late at night, I'm halfway through my charity writs to work on the frost skin achievement, and I realize I have to make twelve cups each time I get a cup writ. Okay, that's a little weird, I guess it's going to a group of people though, so no worries it's for a good cause. It eats at me, and eats and me, and I finally break habit and do the one thing I never do.

I read the writ text.



WHAT CHILDREN!? WHAT ORPHANS? THIS IS ESO, there are no children here!

Who are we sending this crap to? Some orcs sitting around in the woods drunk off their ass with a ridiculous pile of shoddy furniture piled high in tribute to the furniture gods? Oh, we might as well just start letting our chairs sit on US, shouldn't we? Bow down to the mighty overloads of stained wood and cast iron, the deities of glass and stone, for we are just petty mortals who couldn't possibly fathom the majesty that is our latest chamber pot rotting in the nearest ditch. Is that what you're trying to tell us, oh mighty Lords of Leisure?

What does R.H. even stand for? Recliner Hoarder?




Is THIS what you wanted ZOS? Chair walls? Walls of chairs? Glass lickers? (You know who you are.)

May the furniture gods be forever sated, for they are ONE errant squeak of a door hinge away from being cast out of the pantheon, and those are some VERY big shoes to fill!

I can't even.


EDIT: DO FURNITURE GODS EVEN WEAR SHOES?

Double Edit: TWELVE BED ROLLS, ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? WHO SLEEPS THAT MUCH ASIDE FROM DEAD GODS? ARE THE FURNITURE GODS DEAD? IS THIS WHY YOU'RE PILING COAT RACKS TO THE MOONS AND BACK?

jrgray93

Well, you see, the chairs are being dragged over to the Maelstrom Arena portal, where they receive a paint job. From there, they're taken through a temporal anomaly and end up on the luxury furnishing vendor sometime in 2017.

So you're giving yourself free chairs. Little did you know, you were the orphan all along.

sedi

No questions...just more chairs and baths for the kids.

AlienSlof

Kids? Where? I see no kids!

Same with that high elf's orphans fund thing (New Life Quest). What orphans? Where?

Maybe they should use the cash to open a fertility clinic!

sedi

If you had a kid would you let them run around in Tamriel? Even the Guars have attitude! They obviously hide them away until they are of fighting age.

Riverlynn

Perhaps the programmers took the 18+ age rating very seriously.

Cave_Canem

Judas Helviaryn wrote: »

WHAT CHILDREN!? WHAT ORPHANS? THIS IS ESO, there are no children here!

...if you build it, they will come...

Mr_Walker

I have a bosmer. They scare me. I think they might be like the Spartans.

RaddlemanNumber7

The children are there, but The Vestige is not permitted to see them. Lore says, “Children are protected by Arkay's Grace, which is bestowed upon them at birth, to protect the souls of these innocents until they are old enough to exercise their own volition.” If they are innocent they don't need the attentions of the Vestige. The Vestige can’t see children and they cannot see it.

It seems that Arkay's grace does not stretch to Khajiit though. There are young Khajiit in the game. Perhaps a Khajiit would care to explain why that is. A lack of innocence from birth perhaps?

Merlin13KAGL

RaddlemanNumber7 wrote: »

The children are there, but The Vestige is not permitted to see them. Lore says, “Children are protected by Arkay's Grace, which is bestowed upon them at birth, to protect the souls of these innocents until they are old enough to exercise their own volition.” If they are innocent they don't need the attentions of the Vestige. The Vestige can’t see children and they cannot see it.

It seems that Arkay's grace does not stretch to Khajiit though. There are young Khajiit in the game. Perhaps a Khajiit would care to explain why that is. A lack of innocence from birth perhaps?

Where?

aaisoaho

This seems to be some sort of daedric trickery. A while ago, some daedra hating dunmer named Zanil Theran robbed all of the daedric thrones and gave them away for free. For the apparent lack of chairs for daedras, they decided to run a campaign to get them chairs.

MornaBaine

jrgray93 wrote: »

Well, you see, the chairs are being dragged over to the Maelstrom Arena portal, where they receive a paint job. From there, they're taken through a temporal anomaly and end up on the luxury furnishing vendor sometime in 2017.

So you're giving yourself free chairs. Little did you know, you were the orphan all along.

myskyrim26

@Judas Helviaryn
Many ESO lorebooks directly tell about children. They are all around you, but... You'll never see them. Who are you? A person missing his soul, barganing with daedra, visiting daedra planes, killing oh so much people because of a stupid Alliance war. You are a member of a Thieves Guild, and more - of a Dark Brotherhood Guild! What mother will show YOU her child? Who will let YOU to visit orphans, even Orcish ones? No, souless one; no children for your hollow eyes, go see another daedra lord

dazee

Funny thing is the Thieves guild and Dark Brotherhood HATE each other and you could never logically be a member of both.

Merlin13KAGL

dazee wrote: »

Funny thing is the Thieves guild and Dark Brotherhood HATE each other and you could never logically be a member of both.

The standalone's disagree.

All group memberships had rules, such as not stealing from/killing another member. There were otherwise no restrictions to joint membership. Quests were generally introduced in effort to create such conflicts, but they could be avoided with enough caution.

Since fame, infamy, reputation, and guild banishment have zero place and effect in ESO, it matters even less than it did in the standalone's.

Enemoriana

dazee wrote: »

Funny thing is the Thieves guild and Dark Brotherhood HATE each other and you could never logically be a member of both.

Where is it written?

Morag Tong - yes. But Thieves guild?

Jayne_Doe

Rather long-winded post with an attempt at cleverness. Really, where do you think all the adults come from if there were never any children? We don't see them in game - so what? How many quests deal with finding a missing mother/father or daughter/son. Letters talking about missing their children/parents, etc. No, they did not physically program children to run around in the game, but it's entirely illogical to think that a game universe wouldn't actually have children. I guess everyone in Tamriel just springs up from the ground and then just picks out people to call their mother/father or daughter/son?

qbit

Step one: cut a hole in that box

kargen27

I still believe the children are better at playing hide and seek than they were in Skyrim.

VaranisArano

dazee wrote: »

Funny thing is the Thieves guild and Dark Brotherhood HATE each other and you could never logically be a member of both.

Not since Oblivion and Skyrim, no. And I don't recall anyone in the Hew's Bane Thieves Guild batting an eyelash over my Dark Brotherhood Silencer murdering everyone during their quests with the Blade of Woe...

Okay, that last bit wouldn't have flown with the Gray Fox in Oblivion. He didn't approve of murdering folks while on TG quests. (I mean, 100% chameleon made murdering witnesses a moot point.) But he didn't care what my assassin did on her own time either.

max_only

for we are just petty mortals who couldn't possibly fathom the majesty that is our latest chamber pot rotting in the nearest ditch. Is that what you're trying to tell us, oh mighty Lords of Leisure?

Op, you’re off your rocker m8

max_only

RaddlemanNumber7 wrote: »

The children are there, but The Vestige is not permitted to see them. Lore says, “Children are protected by Arkay's Grace, which is bestowed upon them at birth, to protect the souls of these innocents until they are old enough to exercise their own volition.” If they are innocent they don't need the attentions of the Vestige. The Vestige can’t see children and they cannot see it.

It seems that Arkay's grace does not stretch to Khajiit though. There are young Khajiit in the game. Perhaps a Khajiit would care to explain why that is. A lack of innocence from birth perhaps?

Where are these Khajiit kids?

paulychan

Idk I just picked up the free xp boost and went back to farming

FleetwoodSmack

All these things are for widows and orphans!


The problem is we need more of them. We're out.

Tan9oSuccka

I assumed R.H. was for Rolis Hlaalu doing his part for the poor (well, nonexistent) children of Tamriel.

https://en.uesp.net/wiki/Online:Rolis_Hlaalu

Sturmfaenger

Perhaps its kind of an easter egg in reminiscence of Skyrims Honorhall Orphanage?

And there are hints of children even in ESO *thinks of the orcish cradle furniture*

I bet they just hush them away when one of the every multiplying swarm of Vestiges comes along that flooded Tamriel - too much bad influence ^^

geonsocal

Jayne_Doe wrote: »

Rather long-winded post with an attempt at cleverness. Really, where do you think all the adults come from if there were never any children? We don't see them in game - so what? How many quests deal with finding a missing mother/father or daughter/son. Letters talking about missing their children/parents, etc. No, they did not physically program children to run around in the game, but it's entirely illogical to think that a game universe wouldn't actually have children. I guess everyone in Tamriel just springs up from the ground and then just picks out people to call their mother/father or daughter/son?

Pink_E_808

There are plenty of children... In zone chat 🙊

phairdon

The children were turned into skeevers.

Sylvermynx

Eh, these are the children best neither seen nor heard.... Truthfully.... I don't want kids in games.

Well.... I don't want kids around IRL either.

Salvas_Aren

The kids in ESO are like the kids IRL:

Follow the trace to the next highspeed internet connection and you find them.