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Funny Patch Notes
RosieTheRadiant
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I truly appreciate the humor ZOS puts in the patch notes. A few gems:
* Reporting a player will now also ignore them when the ticket is submitted.
* Vivec’s underwear is now the same color as his loin cloth, for those of you who previously checked.
* The Ashlanders have discovered how to use bowls!
* Slash now produces audio (a wicked guitar solo! Har har.)
* The Incomprehensible Artifact found in the Halls of Fabrication now has appropriate flavor text for its incomprehensibility.
* Slaves are now easier to steal from. You monster.
* Certain Servants in Hew’s Bane were carrying items associated with Addicts. They’ve kicked the habit, and no longer carry these items.
* Reporting a player will now also ignore them when the ticket is submitted.
* Vivec’s underwear is now the same color as his loin cloth, for those of you who previously checked.
* The Ashlanders have discovered how to use bowls!
* Slash now produces audio (a wicked guitar solo! Har har.)
* The Incomprehensible Artifact found in the Halls of Fabrication now has appropriate flavor text for its incomprehensibility.
* Slaves are now easier to steal from. You monster.
* Certain Servants in Hew’s Bane were carrying items associated with Addicts. They’ve kicked the habit, and no longer carry these items.
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DirkRavenclaw✭✭✭✭This one wonders how much Skooma ZOS had when writing this patch notesCouncil Member of AtWritsEnd, Member of LoneWolfeHelp, Donor of GhostSeaTradingCO., Factor of EastEmpireTradingCO.,HonourGuard of ´DominionImperialGuard(DIG/PVP)
Master Crafter including Jewelry, i craft for Mats and Donation, always happy to help, if Im not in the Middle of PVP, i play since around 14 Months3 -
Enemy-of-Coldharbour✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭RosieTheRadiant wrote: »I truly appreciate the humor ZOS puts in the patch notes. A few gems:
* Certain Servants in Hew’s Bane were carrying items associated with Addicts. They’ve kicked the habit, and no longer carry these items.
So, they nerfed this drop location for the skooma bubbler? Jerks.
Silivren (Silly) Thalionwen | Altmer Templar | Magicka | 9-Trait Master Crafter/Jeweler | Master Angler | PVE Main - Killed by U35
Jahsul at-Sahan | Redguard Sorcerer | Stamina | Werewolf - Free Bites | PVP Main
Derrok Gunnolf | Redguard Dragonknight | Stamina | Werewolf - Free Bites
Liliana Littleleaf | 9-Trait Grand Master Crafter/Jeweler (non-combat)
Amber Emberheart | Breton Dragonknight | Stamina | Master Angler
Vlos Anon | Dunmer Nightblade | Magicka | Vampire - Free Bites
Kalina Valos | Dunmer Warden | Magicka | Vampire - Free Bites
Swiftpaws-Moonshadow | Khajiit Nightblade | Stamina
Morgul Vardar | Altmer Necromancer | Magicka
Tithin Geil | Altmer Sorceress | Magicka
Dhryk | Imperial Dragonknight | Stamina
Guild Master - ESO Traders Union
PC/NA - CP 2540+2 -
aaisoaho✭✭✭✭✭Am I the only one who imagines some snakes in kinky outfits because "Viper's String" -notes in patch notes?1 -
Epona222✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭Enemy-of-Coldharbour wrote: »RosieTheRadiant wrote: »I truly appreciate the humor ZOS puts in the patch notes. A few gems:
* Certain Servants in Hew’s Bane were carrying items associated with Addicts. They’ve kicked the habit, and no longer carry these items.
So, they nerfed this drop location for the skooma bubbler? Jerks.
This wasn't exactly a secret, it's been in the PTS patch notes which have been available for weeks. I (and many others) went and got their plan and bubblers as we had plenty of forewarning that this was going to happen with update 15.GM - Ghost Sea Trading Co - NA PC
Epona was a Romano-Celtic goddess dating back to around 1800 to 2000 years before computer games were invented.0 -
emilyhyoyeon✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭Enemy-of-Coldharbour wrote: »RosieTheRadiant wrote: »I truly appreciate the humor ZOS puts in the patch notes. A few gems:
* Certain Servants in Hew’s Bane were carrying items associated with Addicts. They’ve kicked the habit, and no longer carry these items.
So, they nerfed this drop location for the skooma bubbler? Jerks.
wasn't that the only location you could find them that wasn't from the crown store?IGN @ emilypumpkin, imperial pumpkin seller
Tullanisse Starborne, altmer battlemage & scholar of the ayleids0 -
Patouf✭✭✭RosieTheRadiant wrote: »I truly appreciate the humor ZOS puts in the patch notes. A few gems:
* Reporting a player will now also ignore them when the ticket is submitted.
* Vivec’s underwear is now the same color as his loin cloth, for those of you who previously checked.
* The Ashlanders have discovered how to use bowls!
* Slash now produces audio (a wicked guitar solo! Har har.)
* The Incomprehensible Artifact found in the Halls of Fabrication now has appropriate flavor text for its incomprehensibility.
* Slaves are now easier to steal from. You monster.
* Certain Servants in Hew’s Bane were carrying items associated with Addicts. They’ve kicked the habit, and no longer carry these items.
Patch notes has never been funny, because so many incomprehensible changes ! And Patch notes means : Patch Day No Play and... lot of bugs during the DLC release week !Ruined Laggy Broken GameSithis & Psijic OrderSithis and spacetime. From nothing to everything.Dark, Aurbis, Aetherius-Oblivion, Mundus, Nirn, Tamriel. Dark again, something else.Dark is categorical, the absolute zero.VØID1 -
bebynnag✭✭✭✭✭
✭RosieTheRadiant wrote: »I truly appreciate the humor ZOS puts in the patch notes. A few gems:
* Reporting a player will now also ignore them when the ticket is submitted.
* Vivec’s underwear is now the same color as his loin cloth, for those of you who previously checked.
* The Ashlanders have discovered how to use bowls!
* Slash now produces audio (a wicked guitar solo! Har har.)
* The Incomprehensible Artifact found in the Halls of Fabrication now has appropriate flavor text for its incomprehensibility.
* Slaves are now easier to steal from. You monster.
* Certain Servants in Hew’s Bane were carrying items associated with Addicts. They’ve kicked the habit, and no longer carry these items.
this offends me
because when i make crappy jokes of the forum i get randoms hurling abuse at me unless i put a JK/ / 
at the end.... so no - i do not find the crappy jokes in the patch notes amusing
(now u all need to try and work out if this post is serious or a joke)0 -
Mureel✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭BUT WHERE ARE THE Addicts? (and I have a pattern already and a bubbler)Edited by Mureel on August 23, 2017 2:57PM0 -
Feanor✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭The patch notes are a constant joke that unfortunately is on us the most times.Main characters: Feanor the Believer - AD Altmer mSorc - AR 50 - Flawless Conqueror (PC EU)Idril Arnanor - AD Altmer mSorc - CP 217 - Stormproof (PC NA)Other characters:Necrophilius Killgood - DC Imperial NecromancerFearscales - AD Argonian Templar - Stormproof (healer)Draco Imperialis - AD Imperial DK (tank)Cabed Naearamarth - AD Dunmer mDKValirion Willowthorne - AD Bosmer stamBladeTuruna - AD Altmer magBladeKheled Zaram - AD Redguard stamDKKibil Nala - AD Redguard stamSorc - StormproofYavanna Kémentárí - AD Breton magWardenAzog gro-Ghâsh - EP Orc stamWardenVidar Drakenblød - DC Nord mDKMarquis de Peyrac - DC Breton mSorc - StormproofRawlith Khaj'ra - AD Khajiit stamWardenTu'waccah - AD Redguard StamplarAll chars 50 @ CP 1900+. Playing and enjoying PvP with RdK mostly on PC EU.0 -
starkerealm✭✭✭✭✭
✭✭✭✭✭My personal favorite is... damn near everything in this post:ZOS_GinaBruno wrote: »FIXES & IMPROVEMENTS, BASE GAME PATCH
Alliance War
General- Eliminated all mosquitos from the jungles of Cyrodiil in order to improve PvP performance.
- A new item, the Trench Digger, is now available at all Siege merchants in Cyrodiil.
- Placing the Trench Digger on the ground will begin a channeling spell and create a hole on the battlefield. The longer you channel the spell, the larger the hole will get.
- Once completed, the hole will be camouflaged for enemy player characters, allowing you to either hide in it or trap other player characters.
- Please note that Trench Holes can become deep enough to place siege oil on top of them. Killing enemy player characters like this will unlock the exclusive “Firepit” achievement.
- Significantly improved the AI of Keep guards.
- Guards can now fall asleep if their outpost hasn’t been attacked for a long time (the exact time is a secret), or can be distracted by birds flying over the Keep, or kittens playing in the Keep yard.
- Keep an eye out for tell-tale signs and your next raid might even find a postern door that has been forgotten to lock properly.
- Modified the ruleset for the Azura’s Star campaign so you will no longer be able to engage in combat with other player characters unless you ask nicely first.
Audio
General- To improve overall immersion, we have removed the option to skip NPC voiceover dialogue.
Combat & Gameplay
General- We’ve introduced Master Ranks, a 16-tiered system that allows players to acquire the skill lines of other classes. To advance in the Master Ranks, your character will have complete Cadwell’s Platinum by playing through the content of your alliance again with increased monster levels.
- Added a new Synergy Synergy system.
- We heard you like Synergies, so Synergy Synergies are Synergies that synergize with Synergies.
- Synergizing with a Synergy has small chance to trigger a Synergy Synergy event, which, if synergized with, will activate a Synergy Synergy.
- Abilities with Synergies can trigger Synergy Synergy events, provided you have synergized with a Synergy Synergy recently.
- Note: Synergy Synergy Synergies will be introduced in a future patch, to prepare for Synergy Synergy Synergy Synergies.
- We heard you like Synergies, so Synergy Synergies are Synergies that synergize with Synergies.
- A new class has been added to the game: Bumnog
- This class specializes in harpy punching, harpy grappling, and harpy trapping.
- Fixed an issue related to stamina recovery and block, by removing block.
Dragonknight- Ardent Flame
- Fiery Grip: This ability and its morph can now be used to target and pull down entire Keep wall sections.
Nightblade- Assassination
- Assassin’s Blade: To reduce the spamming of executions, this ability will now kill your character if you fail to kill your opponent with it.
Sorcerer- Daedric Summoning
- Fixed an issue where Sorcerers were not using the pets from this line. The Unstable Familiar and Winged Twilight will now always be permanently slotted on your ability bars.
Templar- General
- Possibly made a number of changes to some Templar abilities. We will award 5 gold for each correctly identified change.
Legerdemain- Basketry: Added this new ability at level 11 of the Legerdemain skill line.
- Targeting any Witness NPC with Basketry will place a small basket on their heads for 10 seconds. During this time, they cannot witness crimes.
Crafting & Economy
General- We’ve added a new consumable, the Scroll of Icarian Sight. It increases you jump height by 5000% for a single leap straight up for the next 10 seconds.
- Scrolls of Icarian Sight also come with a free filled Grand Soul gem.
- Scrolls of Icarian Sight grant no protection against fall damage.
- All bankers have been replaced with Daggerfall's favorite banker darling, Angier Stower, who will greet you with the old favorite "Do you know the old saying? Neither a borrower or lender be? Rubbish! Without borrowers or lenders, how would we ever be able to buy or sell anything? But pardon me. Welcome to the bank of Daggerfall."
- You will not be able to access your bank until Angier finishes sharing her wisdom with you.
Fishing- Introduced new, varied fishing rods, ranging from the simple Birch Rod to the Whaling Harpoon. Using the correct rod with the correct bait at the correct fishing hole may significantly increase your chance to catch rare fish.
- Rare fish spawns, such as the Astral Narwhal, are now hostile when they spot a player with equipped bait.
- We’ve introduced four new categories of bait:
- Crustaceans
- Linnorms
- Cheese Balls
- Bosmer
- Known Issue: Players hooking Dwemer Submersibles will unfortunately be dragged into slaughterfish-infested waters and unable to swim to safety.
Itemization- The Collection system is being discontinued.
- All former collectibles (including DLC) will be converted into items and returned to your inventories.
- To avoid confusion between these former collectibles and “real” items, they’ll all be labeled with the item type of Trophy, and occupy two inventory slots instead of one.
Crown Store
General- Added a new Crown Store item category, Weapons of Eternal Praise.
- This item will praise the incredible skills of its owner and the unbelievable size of certain body parts whenever he (or she) kills a PvP opponent, all while calling the loser of a battle a noob who has to learn to play.
- The weapon will also broadcast excuses should the owner lose a fight because the opponent was zerging, cheating, or caught him while his cat walked over the keyboard.
- Buyers can chose between 4 different voice-over actors or submit their own audio files for additional crowns.
- The new Razum-dar-Senche mount is now available in the Crown Store for a limited time!
Dungeons & Group Content
General- A new World Boss has been added to the game: The Random Number God.
- The Random Number God is balanced for a random number of player characters.
- When killed, the Random Number God will give a completely random item from all available items in the game.
- Or not, if it feels like it. Who knows?
Justice System
General- If caught by a guard when you don't have enough gold to pay for your bounty, all city guards will now take your pants.
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