Zenimax Board meeting (A parody satire, or is it??)

Rylana

Chairman Moneybags: Good morning gentlemen, and ladies, today we are going to discuss target goals for Q3 2014. According to our tracking data, the product is underperforming in several key sectors, most notably all of them. I would like to hear from each department head about their proposed solutions to rectify this issue before Q3 is due out to our investors.

CEO Businessman: I will begin by stating that our move to console is still in the works and great strides are being made on this port. We expect pushout sometime in 2017, but we have chosen December 2014 as the proper time to start preorder.

Chairman Moneybags: Sounds good, we can use the preorder revenue to fund the additional staff required to complete the port in line with a release date of August 2019.

CEO Businessman: Well sir, I did say twenty sevente

Chairman Moneybags: Nineteen. Moving along, lets hear from financials.

CFO Shenanigans: We are spending more on the game than we are making. The decline in subscription rate directly attributable to the performance of competing markets and by no means the result of incompetence in our operational staff has forced us to start a Kickstarter campaign, this will alleviate pressure in budgets.

Chairman Moneybags: Good to hear, the consumer should always be responsible for the direct financing of ongoing operational costs whether they already paid for them or not. Mister Tent?

COO Incompi Tent, Esq.: Indeed, our budgeting was so good that we created way more programming than we needed. In fact we made so much that the hardware required for our software hasnt even been invented yet, isnt that awesome? We are so far ahead of the curve that our competition will never catch up! Have you even seen how amazing our lighting works? Granted only like five of our subscribers can experience it, and everyone else suffers from crushing lag most of the time, but they will get better computers soon, i just know they will

All: *thunderous applause*

Debbie Downer, VP of QA: We never even got a chance to test that stuf...

Chairman Moneybags: Now now Debbie, you were given a whole 24 hours to test the product, besides the players are testing it right now, and as you can see by the polls they are posting on our forums, most of them never experience this lag. This is a step in the right direction, our business partners at XYZ Supercomputers will be very pleased with the results.

Debbie: But sir, what if they leave the game instead of buying new computers?

*crickets chirp for 30 seconds*

Chairman Moneybags: Ms. Downer, that is not a progressive outlook on the fiscal future of this product or this company. You need to have more faith in the sheeple of the world. If you give them a chance, they will pay you until the end of time to finance their gaming addiction. Since you still cant comprehend this, I am hereby requesting that I see your resignation on my desk by 9am tomorrow, you are dismissed from this meeting.

*round of snickers*

to be continued.... maybe...

Mud_Puppy

Give me the crack. Now.

Brizz

LOL. It's funny because it's true.

indytims_ESO

Keep your day job. Seriously. Whatever it is.

magickats242cub18_ESO

I'm sorry, but I had to post this:

SFBryan18

Seek help.

ZOS_MichelleA

ZOS_MichelleA: As a final note to this meeting...

We do appreciate feedback, even when couched in the form of a joke "parody," but we do ask that feedback is stated in a clear and constructive manner. As such, we will be closing this thread. Thanks.