Thanks to user FistOfMuffins who had me shift Windows 10 out of Test Mode, which it was in because I need to use an unsigned USB driver for a 3D printer board. If for any reason your version of Windows 10 says "Test Mode" in the lower right corner of the Desktop, or if you're suffering from the crash to desktop at the first Bethesda splays screen, here's the instructions FistofMuffins gave to me that got the game working for me again.
"Open the command prompt, choose run as administrator. Copy and paste these two lines: bcdedit -set TESTSIGNING OFF bcdedit -set NOINTEGRITYCHECKS OFF, then hit enter after each line, and then close the command prompt and restart your computer."
I tried reinstalling the 3D printer driver, which again forced Windows 10 back into Test Mode, and once again the game crashed at the Bethesda splash screen.