The title of this discussion may not make a lot of sense, but I couldn't think of anything else that expresses how I feel at the moment. Some of you will probably find my next statement stupid and some won't understand just exactly what I want to convey, but there is really no other way to say it: I miss my Stamblade.

Six years ago, I was lucky enough to join this amazing game during the last beta. And man this game was a complete and utter mess back then. I often like to joke that the maximum level during beta and the first few days after release was Lv 3, because the door to get off the damn boat didn't work. However, despite its flaws and as a fan of the series, I fell in love with the game. And as corny as it sounds, I found part of myself in this game. I found myself in the form of a Khajiit Nightblade, Auri-el's Dagger (thats right, I'm a nerd). I wouldn't have called myself a stamblade or magblade, because there was no such thing back then. Just simply Nightblade. I had no idea what I was doing back then, I just knew that I enjoyed the game and enjoyed being a Nightblade. Running around doing the awesome story-line quests, killing delve bosses (thinking I was amazing for soloing them), sneaking around for no reason other than fact I was a Nightblade, and of course, accidentally walking into a different zone that was of higher level and getting destroyed by a mudcrab (oops?). At the time, I was just playing the game and making memories (some of which I cringe at nowadays). I continued playing solo, off and on, for about three years. Until I joined an absolutely amazing guild three(ish) years ago, The Silverlight Brotherhood (SLB), and then suddenly I wanted more. I wanted to be more.

I wouldn't say there is anything uniquely special that drew me to The Silverlight Brotherhood (it is just a simple social guild), I just enjoyed the people and the company (but maybe that is special in and of itself). After being part of the guild for a few weeks, I finally worked up the courage to ask if I could join the normal trials run (just a simple Craglorn run that happened weekly, it was open to anyone). I don't remember exactly which trial I did first, but I have fond (remembering how truly awful I was back then) memories of all three Craglorn trials during that time. And with these simple runs, I fell in love with the game in an entirely different way. Suddenly, I wanted to be the guy that people could depend on. When everything is going wrong, when everyone is dead, Shadow is the guy who can pull the group through. The only problem with this picture: I was a *** player. So, I asked the Guildmaster of SLB (who was doing the mythical veteran trials) how I could become a better player. Thus, the evolution of my Nightblade to a Stamina Nightblade, began.

To put it simply, when I started the journey to improve my damage as a player, I had no idea which way was up and which was down. After a few weeks of reading guides, downloading addons, playing with different skills, and getting my Stamblade kitted out in the most basic of gear, Night Mother's Gaze and Hunding's Rage, I was finally ready to do my first official parse on a three-mil skeleton. Six(ish) minutes later, 8.3k dps. And I was actually proud of myself (omg, the horror). At the time, I remember someone saying 10k dps was a good number to be at for basic content. So, after a couple weeks of floundering around, *cough*, I mean practicing my rotation I hit 12k and thought I was a complete badass (you have no idea how ashamed I am of myself right now). But it wasn't enough, I wanted to be cool, I wanted to be a veteran trial raider. That is when I hit one of the biggest hurdles I think I've ever faced in this game. Hitting 20k dps.

At the time, 20k was the bare minimum I needed to be invited to my first veteran trials guild. I practiced, practiced, practiced, practiced, and just when you think I'm not going to type practiced again, I practiced more. For three months, that is all I did. That was all that was on my mind when I played ESO. The only time I wasn't in front of a parse dummy is when I had to make money for more potions. I remember cheering when I hit 15k and then 18k, thinking to myself, I am getting there, I am getting better. And then, I remember crying when I couldn't get passed 19.5k. I wouldn't say that I was improving on any specific dps mechanic during this time, but just improving overall until that hit its limit, and a number continued to haunt me for a month, 19.5k. Not matter what I did, what I tried, I couldn't get passed that damned number, 19.5k. Now, at the time, I was practicing on my own with no teacher except a few tips here and there from the SLB Guildmaster and I was by no mean a natural at anything, so my progress was slow. But one day, something clicked, something made sense. One of the mechanics of my Stamblade rotation just made sense. What was it? Efficiently proc-ing Assassin's Scourge from my Bow bar (such a minor thing looking back, but it meant the world to me at the time). All of a sudden, 22k. I thought it was a mistake, so I did it again, 21k. and again, and again. After about 10ish times, I was finally able to convince myself that I had actually done it. And I cried again...and joined my first trials guild, Sap'n Fury.

Now, I am sure at this point you could care less about my story, so; for your sake, I am going to summarize the next two years in a more efficient manner. Upon reaching Sap'n Fury, I once again, found a small part of myself. I made new friends, had an awesome raid lead, ect, ect...We had a small group of three melee dps (including myself) that wore the Khajiit mask and called ourself the Kitty Squad. I remember dying 30+ times in my first vAS clear (P.S. Don't be a stamina character as you're first time in vAS, learned that the hard way). Eventually Sap'n Fury was disbanded, but I had made enough friends that I immediately joined another. This trend continued for the next two years, I joined three guilds in total during this time. I threw vMA in there at some point, for the bow (now that is another journey full of a lot of angry yelling, crying, and cheering). I dabbled with Magblade. All the while pushing myself to become not only a better dps, but a better player. I remember setting goals for myself, 25k, 30k, 33k, 36k, ect. Just like hitting the 20k goal, I remember hitting walls that took me weeks to overcome and each mechanic in my rotation that I became better at. Overcoming the 30k barrier by improving my LA ratio causing me to get three Assassin's Scourges in that 20 second time frame. Pushing past 45k by keeping AY up without dropping it on my backbar. Until I finally hit what I consider the pinnacle of my Stamblade career, 52k on a self-buffed six-mil parse dummy. I remember exactly which part of the rotation I got better at to break that once mythical 50k mark. Light attacking before barswapping and immediately going into Endless Hail. (Side note, this was thanks to Liko Stamblade guide, that I read at the time. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why there was a pause in casting skills after barswapping, honestly Liko, you were a lifesaver with that guide, so thank you {not that you'll read this}). This simple change in the rotation took me from 49k to 52k.

Now I would never call myself the best player, or even a great player/damage dealer. But at that moment, the moment I hit over 50k by myself, I remember thinking "Damn, I'm good." At this moment, after years of practice, I was finally content with myself. I had finally decided that I could call myself a good player; no, a good Stamblade. I was a Stamblade, through and through. Just thinking about it and typing about it, I remember the feel of that rotation. How fast paced it was, how smooth it all felt. I see all the timers and how they all fit together. I can hear the rhythm that my button pressing, mouse clicking, and Assassin's Scourge proc-ing made together. The ever so satisfying sound of Killer's Blade when you see that magical 25%. I find myself itching, needing, to do it again...but I can't. I don't know exactly when it happened, or what patch did it, but sometime within the last 1.5 years, I lost that part of myself.

It wasn't a sudden change. I can remember the gradual decline of my ability as the meta changed. I would change my skills, my gear, my CP, ect. I would practice to try and maintain similar numbers each patch, but I always felt part of myself slipping away. Until one day, I just couldn't. I logged on to get ready for a trial (I don't remember which one anymore). I made sure I had potions, food, soul gems, repair kits, ect...and then I got ready for my almost ritualistic, before-trials-parse. I stood off to the side of the parse dummy, making sure that barswap was working, doing a practice "Trap-Swap-Hail" to make sure it was a fluid opening. Then, I lined myself up with the parse dummy, thinking "Ready, Set, Go." .... but nothing happened. My fingers didn't press the buttons. My mind went blank and I just sat there, staring at my screen. I tried to convince myself that "I am a Stamblade, I am a Stamblade, do the Stamblade rotation." But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't, because all of a sudden it hit me. This wasn't the Stamblade I had grown to love. The Stamblade I spent years chasing perfection with. The Stamblade that died 30 times in vAS. "Okay, okay, I just need a break. I'll play my Magsorc for a bit and then come back to Stamblade." A couple days later, log onto my Stamblade, "Maybe I'll make a new MagDK and play as it. That will get me out of this funk." And this has continued since then. I've made 4-5 different characters from scratch to avoid having to play my Stamblade because I don't want to lose the memory of what this class was and what it means to me. But not one of the other characters has felt right, so I rotate through them never spending more than two-ish weeks at a time on one. However, each switch makes me feel more and more out of place in the game. Until I hit a critical thought, "I'm no longer a Stamblade," and now I feel like I've lost a huge part of myself that I can't get back.

I still love this game and I still play, and will continue to play this game, but now every session starts with a hint of sadness as the first thing I read upon logging in is: Auri-El's Dagger, Level 50 Nightblade.



Say what you will. Maybe I am being overly dramatic. Regardless, if you've made it this far, thank you for reading.
Cheers,
Shadow