ESO Limerick Contest

Crown

It's once again time for Crown's (sort of) annual limerick contest!

The winner will be entitled to the grand prize of one million gold! Prizes can only be given to players on PC/NA (unless someone wants to donate prizes on other platforms and in other regions).

Limericks will be scored out of 10:

• Up to 7 points given for how hard you make me laugh (dirty limericks > clean limericks).
• Up to 2 points given for being ESO relevant (more relevant = better).
• 1 point given for being PvP relevant.

You may submit multiple stanzas as one submission.

Submissions should be made in the #limerick_contest channel of the ESO PvP Discord @ https://discord.gg/b7fJ4Wz. Considering that there may be rather "bad" language in some submissions, I don't want to encourage violating forum rules (or try to figure out what the stars **** mean if language is auto-corrected here). If you have a non-dirty submission you're welcome to post it here as well.

Feel free to copy-paste elsewhere. This should be fun!

goldenarcher1

There once was a Sorc who had shields

Who didn't even need many heals

One day with a clang,the nerf hammer went bang

And her weakness was horribly revealed.

EvilAutoTech

There was a young Templar named Bo

Who seemed stuck in slo-mo

I'm too slow, she wept

Unimpressive, except:

Nord women do it in the snow

Acrolas

To add permission to post in #limerick_contest, first go to #permissions and add one command from each group:

.iam AD
.iam DC
.iam EP
.iam AD/EP
.iam AD/DC
.iam DC/EP
.iam AD/DC/EP


.iam NA
.iam EU


.iam PC
.iam PlayStation
.iam XBox

Enemy-of-Coldharbour

There once was a Bosmer from Nantucket...oh wait...never mind.

Imperial_Voice

There once was a Redguard named Sai

He was a most honorable guy,

He fell in love with a Nord

Yet players he bored

So we killed him to level our guys.

BeefyMrTips

There once was a Crown on PC

Catered only to those he could see

Since we don't share a server

And quite short of murder

Lets just say

He better find a way

To get that million gold to me

GG

rumple9

There once was a Bosmer named Joe,
Who liked to slay Nightblades with Sloads
But whilst casting a shield,
He couldn’t get any heals,
And the loadscreen caused his brain to explode

BWS2K

How will I do? Well let's just see,
I'll write 'bout a lizard who's lusty,
From lady to fella
More fans than Dibella,
A pro at PvP, just you trust me!

Emphasis key:
How will I do? Well let's just see,
I'll write 'bout a lizard who's lusty,
From lady to fella
More fans than Dibella,
A pro at PvP, just you trust me!

Edit: Totally realized I messed up the rhyming scheme, so I made a tiny adjustment. I was... distracted.

WreckfulAbandon

Tien hailed from Old Elden Root,
His jagga-drenched parties a hoot,
But you all picked Orc
For your Stamina Sorcs,
So Tien went instead to the Moot.

AhPook_Is_Here

There once was a mage with a bucket,
who's staff was so long he could reach coconuts.
But his clan-fear, named Chet,
caught him polishing it,
and stunned casting shields Chet made him tuck it.

Stewart1874

I hate these *** crown crates
Its just making me frown mate,
Stop grabbing my money
its not even funny
you really should hurry
Micro-transactions make me worry
I'd rather eat slurry, than spunk any money
Its just plain greedy, needy and seedy
Exploiting chumps, just makes you lot flumps
Less than 10 percent of the base, shouldn't bring a smile to your face!
The uptakes a disgrace!!

Amanuensis

Darien Gautier loves all the chicks
Human, Beast, Mer or Daedric
The harem at his feet
Was offered a treat
"Want to give my sweetroll a lick?"

Crown

rumple9 wrote: »

There once was a Bosmer named Joe,
Who liked to slay Nightblades with Sloads
But whilst casting a shield,
He couldn’t get any heals,
And the loadscreen caused his brain to explode

@rumple9 This is my current favourite!

Crown

Amanuensis wrote: »

Darien Gautier loves all the chicks
Human, Beast, Mer or Daedric
The harem at his feet
Was offered a treat
"Want to give my sweetroll a lick?"

Oh my god.. @Amanuensis This is also my favourite!

Keep them coming!

Crown

@ZOS_GinaBruno @ZOS_JessicaFolsom Would it be possible to add a lore book somewhere in an upcoming patch with the best results of this contest?

Moonscythe

This elf can not play on PC
So the prize makes no difference to me
I'll just sit on the side
And act really snide
'Cause my limerick's still better, you see.

StamWhipCultist

How long does it take to make sorc cry?
1 second

Enslaved

I am actually very glad
That pvp sorc is finaly dead
Era of jumping has come to an end
Cyro will become mag sorc free land

They can cry here or in game
Unable to hide their own shame
No more shieldstacking and thats OK
I hope these changes are here to stay

Zero skill class will cease to be
No more light armor tanking in PvP
Either adapt or go away
Stop shedding tears and L2P

If you decide to leave the game
I will pm you my account name
So you can send me some of ur stuff
I could use some financial buff

Protossyder

I once met a player called Mitch
he ganked me when I crossed Alessia bridge
not only lagging,
but also teabagging
wow, what a honorless b*tch

@Protossyder

RaddlemanNumber7

There once was an authorly dark elf,
Who was really in love with himself.
Narsis Dren was his name,
And tomb robbing his game,
So, do not take his books off the shelf.

StamWhipCultist

Vogtard

One day, while casting a shield
Got ganked, bursted, and killed
Sucked a bag of tea
Enjoyed the loading screen
It's time to respec my build

Sheezabeast

There once was a tavern in Riften,
Where wanderers came in from driftin'.
They caroused and they drank,
Some smelled pretty rank,
And a good time was had by most.

Those frowning were leery,
Some even teary,
From the people RPing in chat.

The Orcs began stripping,
Some Nords pants were ripping...
And the mead continued to flow.

The bartender turned an eye,
To the scene gone awry!
As he poured them more drinks,
To himself he thinks,
"This is why it's called the Withered Tree!"

Merlin13KAGL

My alts would all like to know,
How to tell their attacks where to go,
Because targeting sucks,
Worse than RNG luck,
And impatience is starting to grow.

It is also my keenest desire,
That when I press a skill it should fire,
'Cause when mashing on keys,
Like you have a disease,
No results tend to increase my ire.

xxthir13enxx

Enemy-of-Coldharbour wrote: »

There once was a Bosmer from Nantucket...oh wait...never mind.

^Wins cause I intended to make the same post...lol

StamWhipCultist

23 alts on 2 accounts,
thousands of hours spent in the game
countless pets, costumes, mounts
and in PvP I am still lame

Maining a DK thats stamina based
I must admit I do lack a skill
There are enemies that leave me amazed
With godlike damage, and hard to kill

Being a weakling I somteimes do send
toxic whispers to players like these
Later I cool down and in the end
all I can do is salute their skill and expertise

On other hand if your gear is pure cheese
consisting of bs like sloads or zaan
know that you deserved whispers like these
where ppl question are you a man.

Kolache

Nightblade overlords have been elected
They'll crumble when their stealth is detected
I quaff my potion
And ready the lotion
G** DAMMIT I'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED

greenmachine

There was a Khajiit named Pacrooti
Who saw it as his civic duty
To convert my bankroll
Into potions and scrolls
Now I can't afford skooma or booty

The Bosmer at whom I make passes
Completely ignores my advances
But I find it a hoot
The way she stands in Elden Root
And pronounces the word BRRRRANCHES

My fingers stained with wormwood and cornflower
Rolis Hlaalu makes my mood sour
When he says, snootily indeed,
"About time. Got what I need?"
Though I've been turning in Alchemy writs for an hour

Noose

Edit: Saw the rules

Saucy_Jack

There once was a jester, quite festive
whose jokes were rather suggestive
he told to an orc
dirty puns about pork
so she roundhoused him right in his testives