Lusty Argonian Maid Competition! (CANCLED! THANKS ZOS! :( )

MornaBaine

UPDATE: Sadly, since some silly forum mod decided to move this thread here to die, I'm going to have to cancel the contest due to lack of entries. Sorry gang. ZoS you are a bunch of freakin' killjoys!

You all know and love that amazing literary masterpiece, The Lusty Argonian Maid wherein the trials and travails of the plucky Lifts-Her-Tail are told in all their salacious detail. If you don't, read here!
http://elderscrolls.wikia.com/wiki/The_Lusty_Argonian_Maid

But gosh, it seems as if this is the ONLY trashy novel in all of Tamriel and that's just not right! Not to mention it is sorely lacking a companion for the lady readers out there. Where's our 50 Shades of Manly Gray Dunmer?

So, I am announcing a contest! In the comments here I want to see YOUR answer to The Lusty Argonian Maid! You have until Sunday, Nov. 23rd to share your creative Tamriel-appropriate masterpiece here in the comments.

Here are the Rules:
1. It must have a title.
2. It must be no longer than the average length of the scenes we have from The Lusty Argonain Maid itself. So approximately 200 words.
3. It must be APPROPRIATE. The tale from which you are supposed to take your inspiration is risque, not smutty! Well, okay, it's a little smutty! But, you know, no naughty, sure to be censored, words!
4. You may only enter once. If you enter more than once only your first entry will be considered.

How will you know if you have won? When the deadline is reached I will make a NEW Poll and it will have a link so that everyone may reference back to this thread to read the tales and the poll "answers" will be the titles of the various tales. This "Poll" will run for one week. At the end of that week, midnight EST, the tale title with the most votes will be declared the winner.

Is there a prize? You mean aside from forum fame (or possibly infamy)? Yes! I will contact the winner and once they have given me their in-game info I will mail them the extraordinary and princely sum of 5,000 gold! Am I awesome or what?

Sadly, I only have a North American Server account to unless an EU player will pledge to offer the purse to EU players this contest can only be open to NA players. If a sponsor for EU is found I will update this post with that information.

So! Sharpen your quills, grab your parchment, turn on some...er...lusty... music and have at it!

lecarcajou_ESO

Lemme see... ok, something about a Khajit in Heat, maybe... man, I dunno. I'm tired. Sooo tired. That's what she said.

MornaBaine

lecarcajou_ESO wrote: »

Lemme see... ok, something about a Khajit in Heat, maybe... man, I dunno. I'm tired. Sooo tired. That's what she said.

Khajit Heat sounds like an...umm... awesome!...title! I say come back when you're rested and roll with it! LOL

lecarcajou_ESO

Also...

• The Nord Who Was Hord (in the diction of Brooke Lynn)
• I Got Wood Elves
• The Dunmer Done Her
• Little Red Rising Redguard
• High Elves, Sly Elves
• Imperial Impaler
• ...and last but certainly not least, Broad-Breasted Breton Broads (a tongue twister)

lecarcajou_ESO

Surely someone must be tickled into creativity by my titular titillations...

kijima

Debbie does Dunmer

Louis

"My Love for Guar" an Argonian Tragedy
short description:
experience love, hate, and lust towards a satisfying revenge, when jumps-on-guars turns from a sweet and loving person to a hateful and vengeful assassin to return a favor that was dear to his heart.

not joining btw ) just posting for fun hahaha but maybe i will if i get motivation

Blud

I'm thinking something along the lines of:

Fur, Skin, and Scales

kijima

50 shades of Coldharbour Grey

lecarcajou_ESO

Blud wrote: »

I'm thinking something along the lines of:

Fur, Skin, and Scales

Ooooh, kinkaaaay!

Aett_Thorn

Desert Heat: Tales of an Amorous Redguard

lecarcajou_ESO

Uh oh... now I can't stop...

• I Would Hit That: A Nord Tale of Love and Violence
• Eat Me Raw: An Erotic Culinary Journey With The Bosmer
• Scratch My Back, And I'll Lacerate Yours: Khajit in Heat
• Quama Sutra: Ribald Rites of the Dunmer
• I Walked With My Egg Cousin: Forbidden Argonian Passion
• Fifty Shades of Feygele: The Myth of the Manly Altmer

Sorry, couldn't come up with more for the Bretons, Redguards, and Imperials, and didn't wanna 'force' it. That's what she said.

WraithAzraiel

Thief of My Loins
That Draggin' Night
Pillage My Templar
The Sore Sorceror

yiasemi

The ballad Of Ragnar the Not-so-good-in-bed.

Oh, there once was a hero named Ragnar the Red
Who came riding to Whiterun from ole Hagrid's bed (he said)
(pause)

And the braggart did swagger and brandish his blade
As he told of bold conquests and maidens he had made

(longer pause)

But then he went quiet, did Ragnar the Red
When he met the shield-maiden Matilda, who said;

(shorter pause)

"Oh, you talk and you lie and you drink all our mead
Now I think it's high time that you and me did the deed!"

(pause)

And so then came dashing and clean show of heel
As the brave lass Matilda charged in, full of zeal

(pause)

And the braggart named Ragnar was boastful no more-
I've never seen a Nord virgin leave faster through the door!

lecarcajou_ESO

Beautiful! And unlike ESO, it didn't crash right before every zesty rhyme!

yiasemi

Go on then one more entry (um so to speak)

Barbarian's ABC

A is for Argonian Maids in frilly dress,
Enough said, Dibella bless
The mod that allows such sweet delight
And makes Cassius Curio's night, just right.

B is for Bosmer skimpy attire
That leaves much to simply admire
But just remember do not look
For it is you they like to cook.

C is for codpieces
The largest of which
Are worn by Nords
Who have met a witch.

D is for Daedra
Who will be our saviour?
Although if I am caught by a Seducer
Please just make my bonds a little looser.

E is for Elf
Both men and women are so fair
Which is my lover?
I don't care.

F is for Elsweyr fondue
Sticks like moon sugar glue
This one says it brings luck
But this one cannot think of a final line.

etc

MornaBaine

lecarcajou_ESO wrote: »

Uh oh... now I can't stop...

• I Would Hit That: A Nord Tale of Love and Violence
• Eat Me Raw: An Erotic Culinary Journey With The Bosmer
• Scratch My Back, And I'll Lacerate Yours: Khajit in Heat
• Quama Sutra: Ribald Rites of the Dunmer
• I Walked With My Egg Cousin: Forbidden Argonian Passion
• Fifty Shades of Feygele: The Myth of the Manly Altmer

Sorry, couldn't come up with more for the Bretons, Redguards, and Imperials, and didn't wanna 'force' it. That's what she said.

OMG these are ***! I want to see the STORIES that go with them! LOL Remember, to enter there must be a title AND a story!

Blud

lecarcajou_ESO wrote: »

Uh oh... now I can't stop...


[*] Quama Sutra: Ribald Rites of the Dunmer

This is so funny!

RDMyers65b14_ESO

Can I submit the original "Lusty Lance"? It is at the bottom of the link.

http://www.teso-rp.com/forum/m/9324623/viewthread/16183543-opcast-contest-halorinmorriel-reading-in-livestream

MornaBaine

RDMyers65b14_ESO wrote: »

Can I submit the original "Lusty Lance"? It is at the bottom of the link.

http://www.teso-rp.com/forum/m/9324623/viewthread/16183543-opcast-contest-halorinmorriel-reading-in-livestream

LOL Sure! But please copy/paste it here so people don't have to go to the link.

Ragefist

This is definitely best thread I seen in weeks. So refreshing among all the QQ spam

Unfortunately english isnt native to me so best I could come up with would be Horny Horned Argonian Stablemaster

MornaBaine

Ragefist wrote: »

This is definitely best thread I seen in weeks. So refreshing among all the QQ spam

Unfortunately english isnt native to me so best I could come up with would be Horny Horned Argonian Stablemaster

Now write the story to go with it! Don't be afraid...most native English speakers aren't all Hemingways in the making either. The point of this is just silly fun... Something these forums desperately need at the moment.

Selique

This thread is full of win.

Thoric

The Argonian lover......by Jizzed-in-pants
A story of passion and mis-fortune

MornaBaine

Thoric wrote: »

The Argonian lover......by Jizzed-in-pants
A story of passion and mis-fortune

Now write the story! It's not just a title competition!

Thoric

kijima wrote: »

Debbie does Dunmer

Wow, you're as old as me, you still have it on VHS?

ZOS_AmeliaR

Hey everyone! We've moved this extremely entertaining thread to the Community Creations section, as we believe it's a better fit for that category. Keep up the creativity!

Heishi

lecarcajou_ESO wrote: »

Lemme see... ok, something about a Khajit in Heat, maybe... man, I dunno. I'm tired. Sooo tired. That's what she said.

This makes me think of the female Khajiit in Reapers March who is getting way to excited by the player, to the extent of talking about making her want to clean herself o.O

AaronMB

lecarcajou_ESO wrote: »

Uh oh... now I can't stop...

• I Would Hit That: A Nord Tale of Love and Violence
• Eat Me Raw: An Erotic Culinary Journey With The Bosmer
• Scratch My Back, And I'll Lacerate Yours: Khajit in Heat
• Quama Sutra: Ribald Rites of the Dunmer
• I Walked With My Egg Cousin: Forbidden Argonian Passion
• Fifty Shades of Feygele: The Myth of the Manly Altmer

...

Awesome.

RDMyers65b14_ESO

OK, here's Lusty Lance without the link.

Lusty Lance :
Oh, let us be away, my maiden fair.
I wish to view the sunshine in your hair.
We will hide from the common view
And pray to Dibella an hour or two.

Nadia the Nord:
It's the mead that makes you brave
For you are but a complete knave.
Frankly, I have more important things to do
Than to spend any time with the likes of you.

Lusty Lance:
But fair maiden with eyes so blue,
Any man would wish to lie with you.
I wouldn't say that to just any Nord.
For you are skilled with a sword.

Nadia the Nord:
Aye, in the battle of love I shall fight
And if you win, you will secure the right.
Meet me in the secluded glade
And we will see if you can weild your blade.

Lusty Lance:
Woman of battle that was not fair
You distracted me with golden hair.
Now bruised am I from head to toe.
It seems that it may be time to go.

Nadia the Nord :
Hah, bested you I easily did
Scum like you of the world I have rid.
There is no need for you to frown
You can still pee sitting down.

lecarcajou_ESO

Ragefist wrote: »

This is definitely best thread I seen in weeks. So refreshing among all the QQ spam

Unfortunately english isnt native to me so best I could come up with would be Horny Horned Argonian Stablemaster

Why not submit in your primary language? It'll be like those Elvish poems in the Lord Of The Rings—mellifluous mysteries only the very wise understand!